Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Sad Update!

First of all, THIS:


Second of all, I have bad news. I’m retiring. And by “retiring”, I mean I won’t be posting recaps/thoughts for a little while, but I’m sure I’ll be one of those people who says she’s retiring but then decides to come out of retirement because she hates being retired and everyone is like “what the fuck I thought she retired.”

I watched Monday’s show and took notes and have been staring at them ever since. I have nothing new to say! It’s just the same shit and I have the same jokes. Last week, some bitch commented on my post that it was terrible and I’ve given up. Yes, super rude, but also true. I’m certainly not quitting because of some chick who throws out insults to people she doesn’t know online, but she wasn’t all wrong either. My thoughts aren’t that funny anymore. I’ve been doing this a long ass time and I honestly think if I walk away for awhile, I might come back better, funnier and happier.

Plus there’s a lot of real life craziness going on – not bad stuff, but just stuff that makes it really hard to dedicate any amount of time to this blog and I don’t want to keep churning out shit, just so I keep the blog going. You get me?

I can’t tell you how happy your comments and witty banter on Facebook have made me, over the years. I truly love my readers and it’s 100% why I’ve continued to do it the last year or so. You’re all (uh mostly) so kind to me and I love the e-friendships I’ve developed with my loyal followers, especially the guy who buys me Mexican food every year on my birthday. And the ladies who printed up my face and brought me to their Bachelorette finale viewing party one year so we could watch it “together”. And the random people who recognize me at weddings and shit and take selfies with me. And all the people who send me Bachelor contestant sightings. You’re all my kind of people and I love you. And I’m sorry!

I’m sure I’ll be back – maybe not full force but I know I’ll watch this crap no matter what and I may not be able to help myself from commenting on some of it, somehow, somewhere.

Thanks again for your loyalty over the years – you’re such fun people. I wish we were all friends and lived in the same town and could all get drunk together at my house while watching the show. Goodbye for now!

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

The Bachelorette - My thoughts. On Copper's toe.

You guys. Her dog DOES have three legs! OK not really, but it looks like it. Just FYI - I Googled it – apparently he broke his toe. Dogs have toes?

Thoughts:

• Group date one is for: Dean, Jack, John, and some other guys. Wow, those are white names. Like, really white.

• The first group date is a barbecue and then an insanely stupid competition with a fake baby and plastic food. Oh and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis. Apparently the rules are quite soft, as everybody cheats. A real baby would’ve died in any of those Bjorns.

So I just stand here and pretend I'm barbecuing, right? 


• The after-party is at a warehouse filled with shitty old neon signs. Where did the budget go this season?

• Rachel tells us she’s not getting the romance out of this date. I wonder why? Could it be the tickle monster talking about how to wipe a baby’s asshole, Blake’s hairy chest and dog tag, or obnoxious dude who recites poems?

 The chest/necklace combo? That's the shit nightmares are made of.


• I like Dean. I am unsure if I want him having an orgasm on top of me, but I like him nonetheless.

• Kenny does NOT seem like a professional wrestler. Whaboom does.

• Peter gets the one-on-one date and it certainly comes close to the top of the “worst date of all time” list. Barkfest? I want NO part of that Parvo fest thank you very much.

• Peter and Rachel and Copper head outside to check out some fireworks… like a shitload of fireworks. Hasn’t poor Copper been through enough? With his oversized cast for his dog toe and now these loud ass fireworks. Way to mentally damage the poor dog, Producers.

• Group date two is for: Diggy, Demario, Josiah and some other guys. Wow, those are NOT white names. Like, really not white.

• DeMario’s ex-girlfriend is a smidge on the dirty side, let’s be honest here.

• Josiah definitely moans a lot during sex.


OK That’s it for me, peeps. I’m going to take the furry terrorist out to crap since my carpets have had enough.

My new pup. 

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

The Bachelorette – So there’s an Iggy AND a Diggy?

You guys. I have a new puppy. And a job. And a sick kid. I’m doing my best to get this shit out within 48 hours but it’s not lookin’ good. Some quick thoughts:

• She brought her goddamn dog to Los Angeles? And is he missing a leg?

• Kenny, the wrestler, definitely talks slow and gross when making love.

I mean, how could you NOT want to date him?


• I’m going to guess that approximately 85% of these guys are gay. Refer to photo above for exhibit #1.

• Whaboom? Seriously, what’s happening with him? I like a funny guy but that shit is exhausting.

• Blake talks a LOT about sex. And how he’s gotten better at it. And his penis. Which basically means he’s really gay, has a small penis and can’t figure out how to hump without being gross and poundy.

• Limo introductions were all ridiculous of course and I zoned out for much of it. The highlight was Whaboom telling her one of his testicles was bigger than the other. Also, I really wanted Kenny the Wrestler to body slam her.

• How did that big nerdy dude get nicknamed the Tickle Monster?

• Why is that guy vacuuming? I don’t mind it.

• Adam Junior is another highlight.

• Jamey spelled that way reminds me of gamey. Like the taste of duck.

• Bryan speaks Spanish and tells her that he’s here for something serious. I also get the feeling he will FUCKING KILL YOU if you forget to text him ten times each day.

• Also the way he almost swallows her face when kissing her will now haunt my dreams.

• Rachel says things like “I like where your headspace is at”. I don’t hate her, but there’s something very Un-Jen about her that annoys me.

• “I guess she doesn’t like someone with perfect hair and perfect facial features”. Yup, that’s it. That MUST be why she didn’t choose you. Not for the fact you’re a douche bag for saying those things. It must be because she has bad taste in hair.

• Bryan gets the first impression rose which causes him to chomp at her face more. Good god, stop! It’s actually scary to watch. What if she suffocates in there?

• I’m not listing all these people who get roses at the rose ceremony. All the black guys look the same and all the white guys look the same. There was one Asian dude in the mix and one Indian dude but they both got the boot.

• Milton didn’t get a rose and comments that he’s sad because he had a bunch of new outfits he wanted to show off. Please refer back to bullet point three above.

See you next week if my puppy terrorist doesn’t suck the life out of me by then.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Bachelor – Finale Thoughts

It looks really cold in Finland. I recognize this isn’t a groundbreaking comment but after 400 years of blogging, I might be out of shit to say. Here are some thoughts:

• Nick’s Dad, Chris, is talking about the entire Bachelor experience with Nick and says, “At times, going through this was excruciating.” Fuck, I HEAR you on that one, Chris.

• Vanessa is chatting with Nick’s mom and asks her if it’s normal that she doesn’t feel 100% ready to get engaged. I can answer that. Yes, it’s totally normal not to feel 100% ready to get engaged when you’ve been dating a guy for three weeks and he humped someone else LAST NIGHT. However, it is NOT normal to tell your almost-fiancé’s mom that you’re not sure you want to marry her son. Your honesty isn’t going to win you points here. Look, if you want to win this show, you should never be honest. You suck it up and pretend to be something you’re not and pretend you’re OK with this fucked up premise and lie. THEN you’ll win and you can dump out all your crazy once you’ve landed your man. Got it?

• Vanessa asks Nick’s dad if love is enough to make a marriage last. God, I hate her right now. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? Honestly, did you honestly expect him to say, “YUP! Nothing else matters. Not a goddamn thing. Just love.”

• Once dad breaks it to Vanessa that no, dipshit, love is not enough, she starts crying her eyes out. “WHAT?!? I HAVE TO COMPROMISE??! What about Sunday brunch? Fuck this, ‘Nessa OUT.”

• Sigourney Weaver sister wants to know if Nick is concerned his love won’t be reciprocated. He replies, “You HAVE seen my past on this franchise, right?”

• Last date with Vanessa oddly consists of horseback riding (“this is so pretty”, “this is so fun”, “this is really pretty”, “wow, this is pretty), a visit with Santa who may or may not actually be a pedophile, and then a bunch of fighting while sitting on a log. I zone out totally and didn’t hear a second of this. I am SO TIRED of talking about feelings and fears.

• I like it when Vanessa says to the camera that her not knowing if she’s the one yet, makes it less romantic. YOU THINK? That’s like saying when it rains, it’s wet outside. But really, it’s not as romantic when your soon-to-be fiancé still can’t decide if he’ll propose to you or someone else the next day? Weird!

• Ice skating with Raven. I HATE that “kiss me” song. So they have fun together, but this is when I realize he ain’t picking her. They play up their relationship as so easy and playful. They never have to talk about journeys and fears. They just hang out. When it’s so obvious she’s the better play for him, that’s when you know he actually picks the other one. 
 
Is that a massive dead reindeer they’re sitting on? 


• Raven and Nick are sitting on the couch and she’s not bitching and crying and demanding answers. She says to him, “I’m ready and I love you.” Man, how can he not look at her and think, “Fuck this is so much easier than my alternative.”

• Raven is overly confident. Maybe it’s the orgasm she finally had last week, but she says things like, “The next time I see him he’ll be my fiancé instead of my boyfriend.” Eeeeek.

• NEIL LANE! In FINLAND! He’s all, “It’s cold as shit in Finland.” Also, Neil forgot his jacket so he’s frozen solid, but whatever.

• He pulls out some rings for Nick to check out and says, “Now this one is the biggest ring I’ve ever done.” PICK THAT ONE. Duh. I mean, Nick, come on.

• Neil tries to sell Nick on another ring by calling it “classical”. Nick responds with, “Not classic?” Neil says, “No way. This one is classical.”

• Nick is proposing in the same room where my kids sat on Santa’s lap last Christmas.

• Raven arrives first…the kiss of death. He tells her he loved so much about her, but he’s not in love with her. His heart is somewhere else. She replies with, “I hope it’s in Canada, you dick, because if it’s not, that shit is doomed. Good luck, captain jerk off.” She didn’t say that.

• I cry for Raven and I hate myself for it. He then proposes to Vanessa, but I feel like she’s less crazy here so I’m beginning to like her again. But I won’t like her again in 8 minutes on the After the Final Rose special.

• After the Final Rose: Some Hollywood makeup lady got her fucking hands all over Raven’s face and I’m all, “Where’s my Raven?! Who is this skank?”

• Raven is going to Bachelor in Paradise, where her odds are actually much better.

• Vanessa and Nick are doomed. I never want the final couple to be doomed but these two are. They don’t look happy, especially Nick. She’s all over his ass, guaranteed. I’m shocked to learn she’s heading to America but still, I fear this relationship will suck the life out of both of them.

• I can’t tell if they’ve been fighting a lot or is it just because fucking Chris Harrison asks them no less than 10 times if they’ve been fighting a lot.

• Rachel appears to be on the show for no reason. We just talked to her at the Women Tell All Special. The girl talks like she’s running for office by the way – so politically correct. Anyhoo, we soon realize she’s there so the producers can fuck with her by introducing her to four dudes from her season NOW.

• First guy is black and named Demario. He bought her Vegas plane tickets. Second guy is white, named Blake and told her she smelled good. But this franchise isn’t racist at all.

• Smitty did some crank before the special. Whoa. Host boy is hyped up!

• Dean (white) tells Rachel he’s ready to go black and he’s never going back. Still not racist show.

OK people, it’s all done for now. Rachel’s season starts in May sometime (I think), and Bachelor in Paradise is later this summer. Thanks so much for reading and sticking with me! I love you guys!

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Ten Thoughts

I think it’s funny that they couldn’t squeeze out enough content from the fantasy suite dates to fill two hours so they made the bitches fight for two hours instead. I could seriously do without the Tell All specials. They’re so stupid. As stupid as Josephine’s lipstick. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

 • I’m willing to bet money Raven didn’t have an orgasm.

• Rachel and Nick combined make the world’s worst cross-country skiing team.

• Stop talking about fears and being closed off. Next to “journey”, talking about “fear” is the second most popular discussion on this show. Third is “herpes”. Fourth is “anal doesn’t count as real sex so it’s ok, come on.” That one was just a guess.

• Rachel and Nick’s “sleigh ride” was definitely not as romantic as it looked. Guaranteed it was bumpy and jerky and smelled like reindeer shit.

 Weeeeeee!


• This ice bath, sauna torture sounds horrendous. Why would that be fun? I would’ve done that shit once and then said, I’m out, hot tub please.

 • Of COURSE, dunking in an ice bath turns into a platform to discuss this: If they can get though THAT, they can get through anything together. Makes total sense. Sharing a difficult four-second ice bath is a lot like being diagnosed with cancer or peeing yourself a lot after having kids or screaming at each other that you KNOW you don’t NEED Botox, but you are certain it would help. Wait, what?

• Nick says, “I want to be with someone who I can face things with.” That’s weird to want that. I’m sure NOBODY else in the fucking universe wants that. Nah, not me. I like to face shit alone. That’s right. Don’t bug me with your support and love and hugs. Fuck that.

• Conversation between Nick and Vanessa in the hot tub: “Your family is traditional.” WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN?” “Easy, they’re traditional”. “No really, I’m super defensive you and have to tell me right fucking now what you mean.” “They’re traditional.” “Oh ok then.”

• We all love our families, but Vanessa needs to chill the fuck out and tell Nick he’ll be important too. She’s never leaving Montreal and if she does she’ll hate Nick for it. Not gonna work.

• Nick, “I’m proud to be an American.” Vanessa, “YEAH WELL I’M PROUD TO BE CANADIAN GOD DAMMIT.” Nick: “I know, I didn’t say you weren’t, but you asked me.” THIS is the first real time I can see that Nick is bugged by Vanessa’s defensive shit. I’m all about being a strong female or whatever, but you gotta give a little and chill the fuck out.

• I must be cranky, this post is riddled with f-bombs, my god.

• Rachel goes home, finally. I like her, I just mean we knew it was happening so it’s about time.

• Women Tell All for two hours was the worst part of 2017 so far. These bitching women are so annoying. SHUT UP.

• Someone forgot to teach Josephine the art of subtlety and being understated. She’s all, “CHECK OUT MY FACE AND SHIT!”

• Liz needs therapy.

• Corinne is going to regret this show if she ever needs to apply for a real job, but besides that, I might actually think she’s one of the more normal people up there.

• I don’t get why we’re bagging on the nap so much. They’re up all night half the time and those dates last for 12 hours. Hell yes, I’d nap.

• Taylor doesn’t like being shamed for being a counselor. I’m not shaming that. I am shaming your general smugness.

• I hope Kristina finds a husband.

• Danielle L. is trying to ask Nick why he dumped her and is croaking like a frog. She wonders why they had to go on a two-on-one date if he was just going to dump her. He replies, “Well, if I just dumped everyone I didn’t like right away, that wouldn’t make for a good show, so they sort of make me take women out and delete them more slowly. You have SEEN the show, right?” He didn’t say that.

• Dominique asks him why he rejected the qualities he wanted in someone. He replies, “I just didn’t like you.” He didn’t say that.

• Rachel is the new bachelorette and comes out on stage, surprisingly fully clothed. She said she’s honored to represent African American women in this position. Does she realize she’s not like, first lady, right?

OK Finally, finally the ending is in sight. Next Monday finale and After the Final Rose so another three hour marathon, people. Hang in there.

Monday, February 27, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Nine Thoughts

YOU GUYS. It ended after 60 minutes! It was amazing! The night hadn’t dragged on for 4000 fucking minutes and I didn’t want to pull my eyes out yet. Why can’t it always be one hour? And then Harrison dick punches us all by telling us next week is three goddamn hours? I mean, that is sadistic shit.

OK Thoughts:

• Andi segment is ridiculous. Awkward city when she walks in, followed by sex talk (“bang away, good sir”, she says), and almost-flirting. Gross.

• Rose ceremony takeaways: Raven is sparkly, Vanessa’s boob is ready to jump out and say bonjour, and Corinne’s platinum vagine is given the big boot.

• Corinne wins points in my book for two reasons: 1) She doesn’t demand answers from Nick as to why she was deleted (He just doesn’t like you as much. It’s not rocket science, it never is). And 2) She says she won’t ever kiss a man’s ass again. Good for you, girlfriend. I mean, you totally will, but it’s good to have goals. Also, you didn’t really kiss Nick’s ass – you threw your ass ON him. Is that what you meant?

• They go to Finland. It’s the Northest Nick has ever been, just FYI.

• Raven and Nick take a helicopter ride and then head to a pub to play darts. She says, “I feel like this could be an every day kind of thing if we were together.” Why do they ALWAYS say this? You are jobless, in Finland for fucks’ sake, and about to have sex with a new dude for 14 hours straight in a glass hut under the Northern Lights. Nothing about this situation is everyday. Except for the 14 hours of sex – just ask my husband.

• That was a joke.

• When the local guys are talking to Raven and Nick about playing darts with them, I keep wanting to say “Big Summer Blowout, ya!” Then I remember Frozen was in Norway, not Finland.

• Don’t tell America you haven’t had an orgasm before. Just don’t. Tell Nick when the cameras leave that night. Or just fake one and don’t deal with it.

• Raven says her cheating ex couldn’t give her an orgasm, so she deduces that you must have to trust whoever you’re having sex with to orgasm. My college self vehemently disagrees with this statement. College Jen might even lobby for the opposite statement – distrust and lying dirtbags sometimes makes the best sex. Actually, that’s just something I’ve, ummm, heard.

• Nick’s turtleneck is very… turtlenecky.

• Raven tells us she’s only been “sexually active” with one man. I wonder how many she’s been sexually inactive with? I’ve been sexually inactive with a lot of dudes. It’s so much easier.

OK I’m going to go to sleep and try to save up my energy for next Monday’s marathon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Bachelor – Week Eight Thoughts

Hi people. So…confession: I actually watched the Bachelor while I was in Cabo last week. But I was so hammered that I wasn’t even able to find my computer. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to write coherently. WAIT! I should’ve done a drunken video thought-dump! Damn!

So last week, he cut it down to four: Rachel, Corinne, Raven and Vanessa. They also just announced Rachel as the new Bachelorette, so it’s really down to three. And nobody in their right fucking mind would marry Corinne, so its between Raven and Vanessa. I mean…right? Don’t tell me. I don’t read spoilers. Anyhoo, some thoughts:

• As he gives Corinne her rose, he tells her that he’s excited to meet Raquel. Then he adds, “Because no way that shit is real.”

• Wow, Hoxie, Arkansas. I would’ve paid money to see the look on Nick’s face when he walked out of the airport.

• So riding the ATVs in the mud actually looks super fun. Like, to do once or twice, ever. Not every Friday night, followed by humping my boyfriend on top of a grain bin.

 OMG SNAKES... ARE YOU SHITHEADS CRAZY?

 GET OFF GET OFF GET OFF, there are leeches crawling into your vagine. 


• Raven’s family is sweet and lovable and huggy and I love them. Plus I like it when the entire family keeps telling Nick how they thought they’d hate him.

• Rachel takes Nick to church and I want to punch her now. I don’t know why. I just do. There’s no room in the entire planet that Nick belongs in LESS than that one.

• Rachel’s sister married a whitey too. And in an ironic twist, he is forced to do this:

WTF? I’m all for chivalry but get your own ass up. 


 • Does Corinne think spending asshole amounts of money while shopping will make Nick want to be with her? I don’t get it.

• When Nick meets Corinne’s family, he hugs Raquel and I actually hear her whisper, “Ohhh thank you nobody has ever hugged me before. Please get me out of here.”

• Dad scares me a bit. I would not want to piss him off. Plus he’s a drinker, no?

This is totally how I relax on my bed with my DAD.


• At the end of the night, Dad says to the camera, “She’s the lid to Nick’s pot.” Well now THERE’S an analogy I can honestly say I’ve never heard before.

• Vanessa is clearly the hottest and most normal chick there. However, there are glimpses of freaky control shit going on. Like how she demands that Nick go over Italian words and what to say when he walks in the door, etc. I can’t shake this feeling, you guys. Something ain’t right. Call it my Bachelor gift. God, that’s pathetic.

• Things did not go well with Vanessa’s mom. Things also apparently did not go well for Vanessa’s sister in the tanning booth. Whoa.

• Why is THIS the only hometown date where people are talking about their future plans? Sure as fuck NO way Nick is staying in Hoxie, Arkansas.

• Everyone in this family has Vanessa on a giant pedestal and no man will live up to their standards. Of course, it’s NICK, we’re talking about – the reality TV dude, so they might have a point. I’ll shut up now.

• Vanessa’s Dad is terrifying.

• Vanessa’s Dad also totally calls out Nick on the fact that he’s asked FOUR dads for permission to marry their daughters. I mean he has a point. It’s actually a super rational and normal concern. Granted, he doesn’t need to be so fucking scary about it.

• Later on, Vanessa’s Dad tells Vanessa that Nick asked for his permission to marry her but that he also did for all the other chicks too. Vanessa says this makes it less meaningful and they need to reevaluate everything. You HAVE seen this show, no?

• Good ‘ol Andy is there. They might hump. We will see.

See you next week!