Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap – I want to go back woods on Jef, if you know what I mean.

The gang arrives in London this week, which is bound to annoy London. Chris tells the dudes there will be three dates this week – two one-on-one dates and a group date with a rose “up for grabs” on each date.

After they check-in to the hotel, Sean (the 28-year-old Insurance Agent from Dallas) gets the first one-on-one date card. Sean comments, “She’s the ideal woman for me.” So let me get this off my chest. It’s clear everyone looooves Sean. But I don’t. Here’s why. Sean is all about this image of the perfect Southern woman. Remember he made a bunch of creepy comments a few episodes back about how he wants a woman who will let him lead her? And how his Dad taught him to be a man? Blah blah blah? It might be coming off wrong, but I get the MAJOR impression that he wants the good, Southern, sweet wife who will bow at his feet, be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and let him run the show. It just feels like he’s looking to fulfill a checklist. I could be off. I’m known for being a tad judgmental, in case you haven’t noticed.

Sean Date 

They tour London on their own double-decker bus, which actually sounds fun…until Sean does this:

Aaand they’re touring. Mmm hmm. It’s…you guessed it…boring. The two of them together don’t exactly exude television dynamite. Look kids, Big Ben. We know.


There is really nothing interesting that happens on the ENTIRE date…with the exception of Speakers Corner. Remind me to never, ever go to a place called Speakers corner. What a nightmare. For some inexplicable reason, Sean decides to get up on a bench and preach about love. Aaaaaand I’m under my sofa. How horrifying. I would have died. The mom in me would’ve come out full-force. I would’ve grabbed his arm and whisper-screamed, “You get your ASS of that bench RIGHT now”.

It’s just cheesy. And it’s also an outward expression of emotion – two things that make me highly uncomfortable. He starts talking about love and my discomfort turns into anger. Get the fuck down.

They have a picnic snack and Emily asks him when his last date was. He says it was four months ago, but it was only one date. She just didn’t have the qualities he was looking for. He adds on, “I figured it out pretty quick.” Uh, yeah, one date. Way to give her a chance, dude. For the record, this kind of talk confirms my suspicions that he’s just filling a job opening as well. He just wants the girl who is perfect on paper. (Side note – Sean wants a hot, sweet Southern girl. Could you imagine his horror if we went on a date together? I’d crack one tiny, innocent joke about him pooping on my chest, or I’d spill and yell FUCK and he’d be OUT of there.) Light bulb! Maybe that’s why I don’t like him. Because I know he couldn’t deal with a chick like me. God this blog writing is therapy. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I get that.

They have dinner at the Tower of London where Emily is trying to explain why it’s a prison. She’s talking about history so I quickly lose interest and stop listening. Yo, Bachelorette producers – know your audience. Those of us who enjoy this show, don’t care about history. A gross generalization, yes, but probably not far off.

He tells Emily it was the best day he’s ever had in his entire life and I think he needs to get out more. Emily makes me want to punch her when she starts in on her baby-making tirade. “I don’t want to rush things (liar), but I want a lot of kids. NOW.” She asks how many kids he wants and he blurts out, “Two is a good number.” But he quickly senses Emily’s disappointment in that and says, “But…I’m open to more. Two, three… (she’s still not smiling) Six, Ten”. OK Now she’s smiling. Wow.

She ends the date with giving him the rose saying, “I can’t imagine him being any more marriage material.” See? These two are made for each other. They don’t even know if they LIKE each other, but they’re hot and fill the open position they’re both trying to fill. Ahhh, true love.

Group Date 

The group date is for Chris (25, Chicago), Arie (30, Race Car Driver), Ryan (31, Trainer from Augusta), Doug (33, Single Dad Realtor, Seattle), Alejandro (24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco), Travis (30, Missouri, Egg Dude), John but you can call me Wolf (30, St. Louis), and Kalon (the 27-year-old prick from Houston who looks like he’s had lip injections).

They travel to Shakespeare’s birthplace where they are forced to participate in acting out some scenes from Romeo and Juliet. It really is a horrid idea, all-around. Romeo is apparently a rotating part, played by Alejandro (huh?), John but you can call me Wolf, Ryan and Kalon. Holy Poor casting, for fucks’ sake.

Arie and Doug are nurses, and look ridiculous. See?

I have no idea what Travis is, but he sounds a tad Shakespearean…and Southern…and Irish all at the same time.

Arie has no idea who Shakespeare even is, unfortunately not painting himself as the smartest in the crowd. Kalon looks ridiculous and is clearly taking this too seriously. He barks at Emily to go away so they can rehearse. Does he really think he needs to be GREAT because Emily is basing her husband choice on Shakespearean acting ability? What a fucking douche bag.

The show is every bit as painful and stupid as one would imagine. Emily claims she’s MORE attracted to Arie dressed as a nurse. Ryan kisses Emily a few times for his scene and she says that kissing him was a surprise to her and that “it was so sweet.” Why is it a surprise he’s a sweet kisser? Did she expect him to shove his tongue angrily down her throat while somehow simultaneously yelling at her that she has to stay thin and hot forever? Cause I did.

Things finally get interesting at the after-party. Wait – side note – it just dawned on me that Arie reminds me of John Travolta! Not as gay of course, but there’s definitely a resemblance.

Arie and Emily chat at the party, and by “chat”, I mean they say hello and then just make out for awhile. He says, “Our time together was amazing.” Well yeah, you had a boner for 15 minutes.

Ryan gives her a necklace and even manages to make that look like a douche-bag move. First, he pulls it out of his pocket without a box. Then he compliments his own gift by saying, “Isn’t that nice?” And then the piece de resistance? He does this:

Finally, the good stuff. Chris tells Arie that Kalon called Ricki “baggage” yesterday. Arie gets mad, and by mad, I mean ehh mildly annoyed. He tells Doug, who gets madder since he actually has a kid and knows how rude that is. So Doug runs to Emily to tell her. She first says she’s trying to think of the most ladylike way to respond (certainly, certainly would not be my first concern). Then she adds on, “I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them.” Now we’re sounding a little more like me! She caps it off with, “I want to go West Virginia hood rat back woods on his ass,” Aaaaaand now I’m an Emily fan. Officially. She needs to get rid of the cheesy French manicure, but besides that? Huge fan today.

Doug and Emily gather everyone together and Doug announces what is going on, which is highly annoying. Sit the fuck down, Dad. Hood rat Emily is on the case. She asks Kalon if he has anything to say for himself, which he does not. He then interrupts her and she throws his line back in his face – “I love to hear you talk but not until I’m done.” She doesn’t get the line right, but it’s close enough. I’ll let it slide. You GO girl.

She says she’s disappointed and finally tells him to get the fuck out. Zing! So good. He leaves, and in the taxi admits that he’s probably not the partner who will make her life easier. Ummm, YEAH, that’s safe to say. But you ARE the right guy for her if she’s ever looking for tips on how to inject her lips, bang a supermodel or get her herpes under control since I’m sure Kalon has done all of that.

Doug, feeling rather proud of himself, tries to talk to her and she blows right past him saying she just wants to be by herself right now. That ought to chill his shit out for a bit. He’s annoying.

OK When Emily reappears she explains that now she’s pissed at all the other guys too for not warning her earlier about Kalon. Nobody said anything to her and she feels like nobody has her back. This is where I get really annoyed. She’s totally right…but you know what? The guys don’t say anything because they’ve all watched Ben’s season of the Bachelor and they know the rules. It NEVER bodes well for the chicks that want to warn the Bachelor about the one girl who is there for the wrong reasons. Never. Ben was an asshole about it, telling the girls to shut the fuck up and not to worry about the other girls. But somehow when a dude is a dick, the other guys are EXPECTED to tattle on him? I don’t get it.

Emily’s had a bad night and doesn’t hand out the rose to anyone. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Doug.

Jef Date 

Jef and his hair are SUPER excited for his date with Emily. She tells him they’re having afternoon tea and he says, “That sounds delightful.” That’s acceptable if you say it sarcastically, but I think he’s serious, which is a major offense. It’s like Doug saying last week he was “on cloud nine.” These are things dudes shouldn’t say. But because I am inexplicably in love with Jef, I’m letting this one slide.

They have an etiquette lesson with Jean while they’re enjoying their tea and this whole scene is pretty much my fucking nightmare. Jean is terrible – highly particular, highly pretentious and highly annoying. This is graphic but here goes: Jean needs to get the stuffiness violently banged out of her. A good humping would do this lady wonders.

Anyway, she is also horrified at Jef’s tea pouring behavior. Jef hates her too, saying she’s all up in their shit and he just wants to chat with Emily for awhile. Alone. But nope, Jean said that ain’t happening. She’s just yapping in their ears, or as Jef explains:

They finally ditch Jean and head to a pub. Jef tells Emily that Kalon said a bunch of crap to him about Ricki but Jef defended her. I mean, not enough to TELL Emily, but I guess Emily is impressed with that? I don’t get it. Anyway, Jef says that if Ricki is baggage than she’s the Chloe handbag he’d want for the rest of his life. Whoa. I barely know Chloe – how the hell does he? I’m hearing gay talk about Jef and I don’t get that vibe…until now. But guess what? I still love him. It doesn’t matter. It’s like I’m 20 again and even when my boyfriend calls me a “cunt” at a party in front of thirty people (true story), I still love him. Or I’m 22 and my boyfriend in the band is CLEARLY cheating on me, but I still let him live in my apartment rent free cause he’s poor. Or my other boyfriend at 22 who WAS gay. Like all of them…Jef can do no wrong in my head. Me heart Jef with one f. 4 Eva. (Side note – I’ve come a loooong way since then. My husband is awesome. He rarely, rarely calls me a cunt. Kiiiiidding.)

Emily comments that Jef says he’s into her but tonight she needs him to SHOW her that he’s into her. And then she adds on, “No, I mean I want him to literally show me that he’s IN me.” Har har.

They have dinner alone in a little pod of the London Eye, which is a horrible idea. The lighting needed to pull this off basically means Jef and Emily sit at a table in their pod, three feet from a camera crew and studio lights blasting on their heads. Ahhh, romance.

They’re both talking a lot about how amazing the other is and how much they like each other and how Jef feels like they could have something great. Yawn.

She gives him the rose and they make out at the waterfront. Finally. Me still heart Jef. Sigh.

Cocktail Party 

Emily spends the cocktail party time yelling at each guy individually for not standing up for her when Kalon was talking crap about Ricki with an i. Arie defends himself with my argument, saying he doesn’t want to waste their time together talking about other guys, and unlike Ben, Emily is pissed. This show confuses me.

Ryan puts her on a balcony and role-plays Romeo and Juliet. Stupid. But Emily falls for it and they make out awhile. Emily, girlfriend. Open your eyes. He’s shiny.

Sean says to her that he wants a sweet girl with a bit of an edge and he heard some of her edge came out last night with Kalon. He then adds on, “I said ‘a bit’ of an edge, not ‘a lot’ of an edge, so you’ll need to calm that shit down and be my southern lady if you want this to work. Got it?”

Rose Ceremony 

Jef with one f and Sean already have roses and Kalon and his lips are already gone. She has six more roses to give out, sending one more home. Gee, I wonder who that will be.

Roses go to:

 -Doug - 33, Charity Director/Realtor, Seattle: Annoying as fuck, tries to be group dad, probably talks about his feelings during sex.

-Ryan - 31, Pro Sports Trainer, Augusta. Really shiny, super charming in a smarmy kind of way. Probably talks to himself in mirrors.

-Chris - 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. Looks like a pussy next to some of these guys.

-John but you can call me Wolf – 30, Data Destruction Specialist, St. Louis. I still like that his nickname is Wolf and he destroys data for a living. Does that just mean he presses the delete button all day? My IT husband would be horrified at this comment.

-Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Missouri. Egg dude. He’s next to go home.

-Arie - 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. He’s not the hottest one here, but he certainly seems the most normal and probably the best match for Emily. I bet he wins it all. Just like a car race. Like the Indianapolis 500. When he wins at the end, he’ll pick up Emily and hold her over his head while Chris Harrison sprays champagne on them. Seriously, where do I get this stuff.

Home to Alejandro, the mushroom farmer. Didn’t see that one coming at ALL. They were a perfect match. He loves mushrooms and rat-tails, and she loves the Greenbrier and French manicures. Where did it go wrong?

Oddly, he’s crying, which makes no sense to the viewing audience since they only spent six minutes total together. Oh well. Back to the mushrooms, my friend.

Next week, they’re off to Croatia, which is super exciting for all of them, and for me who is actually excited to see what it’s all about. Guess who’s not excited? Croatia.

Sobering thought? We’re not even halfway done yet. Oy. See you next week!


  1. Emily had the worst time remembering about the history stuff and even saying the place in Croatia they are going. She and Arie should be intellectually perfect.

    I love that you just used the "c" word twice.


  2. Don't you think Emily and Sean are like southern barbies?

    I LOL at your 22 dating stories. HAHAHA!

    Jen, you should check out the web series "Burning Love" produced by Ben Stiller - it is a spoof on the Bach and HI-larious.

  3. Jen -
    One of your best recaps yet!

    Gotta tell you - I got my mom to start watching this horiffic train-wreck of a show only so that the next day she can read your recap.

    Thanks! I am so glad I can now share in this misery with someone close to me.

    LOVE your blog!!!

  4. Jen - I LOVE your recaps! I actually swore to myself I wasn't going to watch this season because I simply can't take the crap anymore and then stumbled upon your blog. Back to faithful watcher, simply to get your jokes. You are the best writer EVA. Love it!

  5. I told my mom while we were watching that I guaranteed you'd be under your couch for the Speakers Corner thing. I literally left the room because I couldn't take it, but I heard my mom gagging so I assume it was terrible.

    I will say I enjoyed the history part because I majored in it and it was a lot more interesting than watching two attractive blonde people discuss how many children they want.

    I love Jef even more after their date. Don't care if he's gay (really not getting that). Love him.

  6. Oh, Jen, you've done it again! Too funny, you had me laughing out loud!! Hubby and I always DVR the Bachelorette each week and I was pissed that I had to wait an extra night to view it because I knew your recap was waiting and I wanted to see what you had to say....
    Thanks so much for sharing with us, your faithful readers...
    Also I'd love to hear your commentary on the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy....wink, wink

  7. Did no one notice they didn't even EAT dessert in the London Eye? What a waste.

  8. LOVE your blog and laugh hysterically every time I read it. Just one pet peeve -- you keep saying Travis is from Missouri...he's from Mississippi, not Missouri. Big difference for a southern girl who wants a "real" southern boy.

  9. I really wish you would write more than just the Bachelor/ette recaps. It's hard waiting a whole week for your writing.

  10. Jen, you are hilarious, thank you so much!