Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap – Jef in a kilt. Mmmmm. Yum.

We’re down to eight this week, and I’m still bored since it’s pretty obvious who the final four will be. That’s when things will get interesting…right? Please?

They head to Croatia this week, but I’m pretty sure someone had a typo on the itinerary, and they were supposed to land in Scotland instead. More on that later.

Travis Date 

Poor Travis gets the first one-on-one date this week and it’s clear from the get-go that this is doomed. There is so little chemistry between them – it would be like me walking around town with a coat rack. Very dry…very boring. He seems like a nice guy, but there’s just nothing there. Remember Casey “Guard and protect your heart” guy from Ali’s season? I always said his voice sounded like he swallowed a gym sock. Well, Travis sounds like he swallowed a cotton ball. It’s not as bas as Casey, but there are similarities. Also, his voice inflection is weird – it gets REALLY high at the end of every sentence. Kind of annoying. And don’t even get me started on the naked-on-top-of-me criteria. Ain’t happening.

They go shopping and walking around town. They find a rock ledge sticking out of a wall – if you can stand on it and take your shirt off, you’ll be lucky in love. I’d bet a lot of money the producers made that up. Or some drunken Croatian dude made it up at 3am while walking home from a bar.

Travis gets up on the ledge but doesn’t take his shirt off. Yes, this is honestly what they waste time on. They need to cut these episodes to 1.5 hours. I don’t need to see this.

Travis is ready to “bust out of friend zone”, and it’s safe to say that if you are actually muttering this sentence, you ain’t busting out of it anytime soon.

Side note: Back at the hotel, Ryan is wearing this. What the?

Back on the date things are growing more grim for poor Travis, as Emily says things like, “I feel like I can be myself around him.” She might as well have said, “I think I’m going to poop on the floor next to the table at dinner tonight. I feel THAT comfortable with him. It’s so great.” I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Needless to say, dinner is a disaster. Travis admits he hasn’t so much as kissed another chick in two years, so his boner keeps toppling the table (not really). She is not turned on by this information. I like poor Travis, but he’s coming across as a little desperate and pussy-like. Poor guy…I think he’d be a good catch. If you’re into that sort of thing.

She tells him she can’t give him the rose because she doesn’t think they have that romance connection. Well he has it, since he’d like to bang hot Emily, but she doesn’t. So basically, she should just say, “I just can’t picture you on top of me naked.” Because that’s the truth, right, people?

Group Date 

The group date is for Jef with one f, Arie, Sean, Doug, John but you can call me Wolf, and Chris. In a painfully obvious plug, they watch Pixar’s new movie, Brave…which takes place in Scotland. I guess Pixar didn’t have any Croatian-based animated movies coming out this weekend?

They head to a theatre for their private screening. Just what every guy and girl want – to watch a fucking two-hour cartoon with five other dudes. And could they be sitting any farther from the screen?

Emily sits next to Jef and for the record, I would have totally stuck my hand down Jef’s pants during the movie.

After the movie, Emily forces them to wear kilts and short-sleeved shirts, despite the obviously cold temperature, and ride a donkey to a field. There, they are forced to compete in the Highland Games, a series of three embarrassing tasks. Also, why I am totally turned on by this?

Let’s talk about the donkeys for a minute. There is no way this is true – no way that it’s customary for Croatian men to ride donkeys into battle. How inefficient would that be? And if they’re wearing kilts, does that mean their balls are just rubbing around on the hairy donkey’s back? Gross.

The first task is archery, and the guys do really well, except Chris, who looks completely insane. His ass sticks out and he is awkward and embarrassed. He shoots his arrow into the ground. I’m not into the muscle thing at all, so being strong wouldn’t impress me, but you can’t look like this either. Yikes.

Next they flip a log over and Jef and Chris are disqualified because it didn’t flip all the way over. Jef somehow looks endearing when he throws his, but again, Chris looks awkward-city. Sean breaks his log because he’s so strong which does little to impress me, but Emily is hot and bothered. Mama like.

Then there is some weird task where two guys each hold onto a log, trying to pull the other one over it. Chris and Doug compete against each other, and poor Chris loses. However, Doug really loses since he is facing Emily during the competition while making this face:

Oh God, what if that’s his orgasm face?

At the end, Emily gives Chris the “bravest” award. He’s excited but I’m horrified for him. This is like the award they give the worst athlete in class but the one that “tried the hardest” or something. It’s not a compliment.

Emily pulls Chris aside for some one-on-one time and she leans in to give him a peck, but he sticks around, in the kiss for way too long and they end up making out. I don’t think she’s feeling it. Or maybe that’s just me? Yup, ok, that’s just me. Again, he seems like a nice guy, but kind of a pussy.

The next stop on this never-ending date is the after-party. They just drink and take turns making out with Emily, basically.

Sean and Emily chat, and he tells her that he has strong feelings toward her. Wow. How romantic. These two are perfect looking and perfect for each other on paper. And probably have some physical chemistry. But there’s absolutely nothing interesting here either. I don’t think she’ll pick him in the end. It’s too easy or something. I can’t put my finger on it. She tells him to “keep that confidence even when things get harder”, so she plans on keeping him around awhile.

Arie and Emily take a walk and in the best move I’ve seen in awhile, he sort of pins her up against a wall and makes out with her. This is what I’m referring to when I say these guys need to stop being such pussies. Don’t ASK me if you can kiss me. Don’t make ME make the first move. Make a bold move like that – it’s hot. However, do NOT caress my face when we kiss. So ooogly. Yuckers. And stop making your slurpy tongue slow and sloth-like in my mouth. Easy Arie.

Jef with one f and Emily snuggle for awhile and I am seriously in love with this guy. It’s a little odd how much I want to be naked with him, if I’m being honest. What’s the appeal? He’s hot, confident, quirky and so damn cute. But he does say the word “like” a whole lot. A lot. So that’s annoying. But I’d, like, still totally get naked with him.

That’s about all for the group date. Oh, Emily gives the rose to Chris. I’m surprised, actually, because there is very, very little appeal to him being naked on top of me.

Ryan Date 

Oh Lord. This is comedy though. Ryan voiceovers himself for awhile, while he’s getting ready, saying things like, “I know what I have to offer as a man.” He also says that he looks in the mirror every morning and asks himself, “Who do you want to be today?” He comments that most men don’t do this. Ummm, yeeees, correct, most men don’t do that. Why would they? Does Ryan sometimes say, “Who do you want to be today, Ryan?” and then he answers himself, “How about a lion? ROAR!” or maybe, “I’m going to be a gay jockey” or “It’s Wednesday! That means it’s space shuttle day! Vrrrrooooom!”

She picks up Ryan and before they even leave the hotel, he’s being cheesy and embarrassing and Arie pulls a Jen and almost hides under the sofa. Besides the intense sloth-kissing, I think I like Arie.

Emily likes Ryan because he’s playful, fun and charismatic. I get it. But he’s such a douche bag. He’s the guy we all dated when we were 22 (See previous post about band dude who cheated on me. Definition of charismatic douche. Great guy, fun, cute…horrific boyfriend.)

Anyhoo, they drive around and apparently Ryan is Croatia’s worst driver or the people of Croatia have serious road rage because there is a lot of honking. They go “oystering” on a boat, and I’m pretty sure that’s not the official term for it. She puts one in her mouth and has to spit it out over the side of the boat. Ryan is not impressed she’s not a swallower.

They chat on a bench and he blabs on and on about her being a trophy wife. Can someone please tell him that’s not a compliment? Fuck, shut up, dude. Emily comments that she likes him…sometimes. Her opinion goes “back and forth on him hourly”. Ahhh, true love.

At dinner, he tells her that he wrote down the 12 qualities he’d like to find in a wife. They are such things as “Logical, not overly emotional” (good luck with that, dude. You are marrying a WOMAN, right?) and “nurturer, unselfish, a server” yet “confident, magnetic sexy and beautiful.” This guy is so confused. He basically wants to marry a supermodel with a great personality, yet one who has absolutely nothing going on in her own world so she can dedicate herself 100% to making everyone but herself happy? And despite that she has nothing for herself, she should have rocking self-confidence? She doesn’t exist dude. And by the way? You’re an asshole. Are YOU going to offer HER anything? How about a list of the things YOU can give to Emily? I love that he wants someone un-selfish so she can wait on him and his selfishness all day.

Here’s what my list would say: Someone who makes me laugh, and laughs at my jokes. Someone who takes care of me and the kids, but has his own interests too. Someone fun to be with. Someone kind and loving. That’s it! Of course, there would be thirty other things on that list that I would NEVER share with him, like he can’t chew with his mouth open, he can’t caress my face when we kiss, he can’t talk to me during sex and he can’t be a total pussy. He also can’t be an annoying man’s-man, where he insists he HAS to go hunting every weekend or some bullshit like that. And he can’t be selfish. Holy shit, maybe I’m an asshole too.

After the list, Emily lets Ryan know he’s not getting the rose tonight. He fights her on it, saying she’s making the wrong choice, and he needs to show her the man that he is. The show does a good job of editing, because I actually think she’ll change her mind. He’s talking her into it and this is where being a Southern lady has its drawbacks. She doesn’t know how to tell him to leave, gracefully. If you’re like me, you can just say the truth: “You’re a douche bag. You’re really funny and cute, but you made a fucking list of what you want in a wife and showed it to me at dinner, forgetting to tell me anything you can offer me. Also, your list is bullshit. You make it seem like if I take a yoga class and leave you with the kids that I’m a selfish fuck. Well guess what? You’re the fuck. Get out…you fuck.” See? There are perks to being blunt, rude, and non-South.

Anyway, she sticks to her guns and gives him the boot. Yay!

In the taxi, Ryan says he’s shocked. He also says he built great friendships with the guys in the house – cut to the guys celebrating his departure. He also says he hopes that he’s edited not to look like an arrogant ass. Oops.

Arie Visit 

Arie claims he’s worried about Emily since she’s been so busy kicking guys to the curb this week. It’s just an excuse so he can go stick his sloth-tongue in her mouth for awhile, but whatever. It’s nice, I guess. He busts into her crappy Croatian apartment and tells her he wants to chat with her. He tells her Ryan would not have been a good husband for her and then sticks his tongue in her mouth. Veeeery slowly and veeeery wet. Lots o’ tongue. I like him but I can’t handle much more of the slow-motion kissing.

Cocktail Party 

Emily claims she’s probably going to send either Doug or John but you can call me Wolf home. Well, duh. But then Wolf shows Emily his grandparent’s funeral cards in his wallet and starts to cry. He claims that his dead grandparents move the chess pieces of his life. (?) It’s like a rule – you can’t send someone home after they cry about a dead person, so I should have seen this ending coming.

Anyway, she sits with Doug for a bit, who I will now refer to as TPD (Total Pussy Doug). TPD is acting fake humble because it’s really just PID (pussy in disguise). He seems so insecure and unconfident here – not a turn-on. Emily forces him to put his arm around her and he looks like he’s going to die of discomfort. I’m almost under my sofa, but I have to hang around to see if Doug starts crying too. He waits until he’s behind the scenes with the Bachelor Cam, but he doesn’t disappoint:

He’s crying, I think, because he knows he needs to man-up and make a move, but he didn’t. So he fears Emily will send him home.

Rose Ceremony 

Hey, Chris Harrison is there? What the? They fly his ass all the way to Croatia and he only makes a two-minute appearance at the rose ceremony? What gives?

Chris already has a rose and Emily has four more to give out. She gives roses to:

-Sean – Meathead. Bible beater. Hot, nice but boring.
-Jef with one F – My favorite. I want to put him in my pocket and take him home and make love to him all night long. The really dirty kind.
-Arie – Slow kisser with abundant tongue, but seems like a real dude with a sense of humor. I like him.

She has one more rose to give out. All of a sudden she looks like she’s going to puke and walks out without saying a word. Seems a smidge rude, no?

She runs outside to find Chris Harrison, who clearly makes no production decisions whatsoever, but they always like to make it seem that he does. He’s busy hitting on some producer…Chris tells her there are no rules here and she can do what she wants. Oh REALLY? Emily then tells Chris she would like to have a four-way with Sean, Arie and Jef – sending everyone else home, and the four of them will travel the world for five more months (with Ricki in tow of course), humping on every continent until she decides who she likes humping best. No rules my ass.

Anyway, she has a cryptic, edited convo with Chris Harrison. She goes back inside and tells the guys she can’t give away the final rose…

Pause pause.

BECAUSE?!?! She wants an extra rose so she can give one to both Doug and John but you can call me Wolf. Puuuulease. There is no way she’s marrying Pussy Doug or Wolf Man. Why prolong their presence? Geesh.

Anyway, so we’re down to six guys, but clearly we’re actually down to four. So we’ll see if she gets rid of John and/or Doug in Prague next week. And we get some dirt on the Producer scandal too. Apparently, Arie dated a producer on the show years ago, and this chick was a buddy of Emily’s, so she’s going to be pissed. Rightfully so, I say. Should be good stuff. Hopefully Emily shows “back woods Virginia” anger and not “Southern” anger.

See you soon!


  1. I can't believe you didn't comment on the fact the guys were all sitting around in their hotel room with the hoods of their Abercrombie zip-up hoodies on!

  2. Hi Jen,
    I LOVE your recaps. They're really the best part of watching this ridiculous show. Have you noticed yet that Chris looks like a bobble head? Watch him next time. His head "bobbles" after ever sentence. Haha. Can't wait for the next recap.

  3. You make this season worth watching! Awesome!

  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Chris Harrison got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "F*ck!?! I mean, oh hi! What (the hell) are you doing here?!?" A-W-K-W-A-R-D...

  5. Travis said something on his date that I would like to use for you. Your blog is a "10 on a scale of 8." :)

  6. I firmly maintain that Chris (not Harrison, love Harrison) looks like his parents are maybe related. Not brother and sister, but like, first cousins. I don't know. But clearly Emily has glaucoma because she told him he's the most handsome man she ever met. That might also excuse the Ryan thing a little - maybe she just couldn't actually see his facial hair?

    And if I wasn't engaged, I would track Jef down and I would make him wear the kilt again and I would hump him until he tapped out. Seriously. I love him. When he said Ryan's totally a good person and then shook his head and smiled, my vagina did a little flip. I would share him with you, though, because I love you.

  7. On Ryan's tank top in the beginning, I think I have that same one. In lime green. From Forever 21.

    Anyway, great post as always. Now that all the drama-creating guys are gone this is definitely gonna get really boring. We pretty much know how it's going to end. I'm so ready for this to be over!

  8. Have we EVER had a season with more crying from the men? Jeezlouise.

    I adore Jef as well, he seems to not take this all too seriously, but does really like Emily. Ari is a funny one, and I like that too. They are my top two picks.

    Oh wait, I'm not the Bachelorette. Damn.

  9. I always love it when you say exactly what I was thinking. Ryan in his girlie white tank top, wtf? And, YES, Arie is a sloth kisser. I have to look away. He always slowly and deliberately licks his lips before each devour. Then it's sloth kissing! He is cute, I've liked him from the beginning, but I can't stand to watch his slurpy kisses. Oh, and how about a link to the Band Dude post.

  10. My husband told me that Ryan's tank top is apparently "in" for guys as he's seen it in ads before. I proceeded to tell him that if I ever caught him wearing something like that I would never sleep with him ever again because I would assume he was gay.

    And tell me WHY if they wanted so badly to plug that Pixar movie, they wouldn't go to Scotland?? Does it actually make sense to have Highland Games in Croatia of all places? Sheesh. Also, England to Scotland would have been an easy trip from them all. If I was Croatian, I would be very offended that they didn't showcase something more culturally appropriate.

    I don't know who wins because I am staying spoiler free this season, but I would bet my last dollar on Arie being the final choice. She seems WAY into him at this point but let's see how much him dating the producer dampens her hard on for him.

  11. My comments are all yours. I quit blogging because I'm super boring, so now I just harass other bloggers with my inappropriate thoughts.

  12. Good Lord I agree with you about the Ari kiss against the rock wall.
    My husband was laying in bed next to me snoring while I watched that scene. I was a little pissed that he wasn't pinning ME against a rock wall. Then I realized we have brick walls and that would hurt...and the neighbors would complain...and the children would be scarred for life. So I just lived vicariously through Emily and awaited your comment on said event.

  13. Just two things: I don't think enough blog time was given over to discussing Ryan's girly-man tank. Talk about hiding-under-the-couch-inducing shiny yuckiness. Watching and listening to Ryan makes me feel like my psyche just got raped. Also, I really try to like Arie but he's kind of "dusty" in the way that Ryan is "shiny". Like, he literally looks like he hasn't bathed in a while. Plus, there's the kissing. I'm so glad you shared my initial reaction to the kissing. But Emily seems to LIKE it! The wall scene also made me hot, but it was infinitely more fun to watch him slam her up against the wall then close my eyes and pretend it was Jef. You are not wrong about Jef. It also helps that he's a millionaire/entrepreneur philanthropist.

    OK, that was more than two things. Thanks, Jen, for doing this blog and validating the reasons I (an otherwise intelligent, successful woman) watch this show!

  14. You are great!!!! Thanks for taking over as the snarkiest blogger on all things Bach. I miss Jeff too. I had very cougar-like thoughts during this season.