Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - My Jef love is at an all-time high. I even want his puppet naked on top of me

We’re down to six guys. And by six, I mean four. Actually three. The top three was obvious five weeks ago and it’s more obvious after this week. As if she’ll marry that pussy, Chris? Puuuleaese.

The gang is in Prague this week and the four who get roses this week get to take Emily home to meet their families (always a highlight episode – weird sisters, horrendous wallpaper and other weird middle-America shit).

Sean is excited to be in Prague. He tells the Bachelor cam this (and while you’re reading this, say it in a robot voice. Or a monotone, slow, boring voice): “I’ve never been here. I want to soak up the culture and spend time with Emily.” God, that’s boring. He’s hot, I’ll give him that, but too muscular and I’m not sure how much super fun time I’d have with him. Know what I’m sayin?

Smitty is there! Smitty is a name that some friends coined for Chris Harrison. It makes no sense and nobody knows why we named him that, but it totally works, right?

So Smitty gets a trip to Prague and tells the guys there are three one-on-one dates this week and one group date. The only rose is on the group date. Let’s dive in (that’s what he said).

No reason for that picture. I just want to look at him. It’s my new computer wallpaper. My husband is totally stoked.

Arie Date 

What the fuck is she wearing? South, weigh in here. Are these shorts the norm out there? I couldn’t live there, if that’s the case. Do you wear this shit for preschool drop-off too?

Despite the very fancy shorts, Emily claims NOT to have a plan for today. Let me guess – you want to walk around and shop? Pretend you’re there with your husband? On your little holiday? Where the fuck are your thirteen kids you want to have with this new husband? At home? While you’re in Prague? Good luck with that. If you want to see how life will REALLY be with your new husband, you should stay home, not shower, cry in the closet sometimes, clean toddler feces off your kitchen table (that’s right, I said kitchen table), do some laundry, clean chocolate off a window and go to bed and THEN realize you forgot to talk to your husband all day. Sex in Prague? Totally almost like that.

Anyway, Arie and Emily walk around and make out a lot. Arie claims he has a lot invested in her…like his emotions and feelings. Welllllll, we didn’t really think you had anything ELSE invested in her? Like money? Livestock maybe? What?

They order something called a “hot one” at some street food cart. I’m sure that’s not the real name but I like “hot one”.

They stumble across a bronze dog that you’re supposed to rub for loyalty. Emily tells us that Arie is keeping a secret from her. She says, “It’s weird to rub a dog for loyalty when he’s hiding a secret from me”. You know what? It’s weird to rub a bronze dog for loyalty no matter what. Also, I hope they brought that hand-sanitizer gel stuff.

Smitty’s back! He tells us that many years ago, Arie had a very brief relationship with Bachelor producer, Cassie. Cassie told Emily about it, so they decide to have an interview with Emily about the situation…but despite the fact Cassie puts a microphone on her and points a camera at her, I don’t think Emily realizes it’s an interview. Also, it’s one of the most unprofessional interviews I’ve ever seen. Emily says, “It’s just weird because it’s not a production thing, it’s a real life thing.” Ummm, you have a MICROPHONE on. It’s now a production thing.

 CASS DAWG - This is what all the drama is about?

Skip to Arie and Emily’s Date. “What’s important to you in a relationship, Emily?” “Not having secrets.” “OK I have a tattoo. What else is important?” “Not having secrets. That’s all. That’s the only thing that matters.”

Anyway, Emily is just pissed that Arie didn’t tell her about it upfront. Smitty (he’s back!) tells us that Cassie, Arie and Emily DID have a discussion about it together, but it was not filmed for TV. Assholes! How selfish.

Smitty concludes by saying Emily forgave Arie and decided it’s not that big of a deal after all. Side note: This is about thirty times the amount of work Smitty normally does in any given week. He must be EXHASUTED.

Back on the date, they’re hanging out on a boat or a pier, I don’t care. They are CLOSE talking. If my husband were in my face like that, I’d be all, “Back off, yo. Why you all up in my grill? Shit.” But Emily looooves Arie and his bright red neck zits. Arie tells her that he loves her and they make out – very wet and slow-like. Yummers.

John But you can call me Wolf Date 

Honestly, why is “Wolf” still written next to his name? I’m the only one who even mentions it. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it’s odd that it’s still there.

Guess what they’re doing on their date? Walking the streets! Bingo! They write on a wall, they walk around. That is what my notes say from this segment.

They write on a wall and walk around. There was also some nonsense about putting a lock on a fence but I have faith it was boring.

They have dinner in a dungeon and Emily expresses concern about John not being able to open up. She’s concerned he won’t let himself fall in love. This can be translated as “She is concerned she won’t like him.” I love that she never says, “You know what? I didn’t like him. I don’t want him on top of me naked and I don’t like him all that much. There’s nothing there.” Cause that’s what she feels, so say it, sister.

John explains he’s a slow-starter. He’s a closer. Well, a girl can’t hear that enough! I love to date “closers”. Giving yourself that title makes it sound like you fuck around all night at the bar, barely talking to anyone, and then right before the bar closes, you grab three bitches to take home and hump, all at the same time. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea where these thoughts come from.

They kiss a little but it is painfully clear Emily isn’t picking him to be Mr. Emily Maynard.

He comes home from the date and Sean oddly decides to run around the streets of Prague looking for Emily. With a camera crew in tow. These camera guys have been busy filming all day and they’re so excited to put those heavy things down and sink into a crappy Prague hotel bathtub…when Sean says, “Come on, guys! Let’s run around Prague!”

He finds her, which is so stupid. Of course he did. You think the producers would just let him run around all night with their poor cameramen? He finds her and says, “I just wanted to see you.” She says, “This is a nice surprise.” He says, “I know.”

She looks smitten-kitten with this one. They go have a drink…or maybe they just use a table in some café to make out at. Anyway, they make out because the conversation is too damn boring. He walks her back to the hotel but pins her up against a wall on the way home and dry humps her. Ahh, to be in junior high again. Ye ole dry hump. Memories…

Group Date 

Let me tell you who ISN’T pleased about the group date? Little fucking bitch girl, Chris. What a little whiny bitch. Part of me likes him – he seems very sweet and nice, but he is SHOWING his age. Wow. And he’s painfully, painfully insecure. This whole episode is about how sad he is, how much he loves Emily and how pissed he is that he doesn’t get the one-on-one date with her.

A horse-drawn carriage pulls up and Pissy Pants McGraw barks, “We’re all going to fit in there?”

On the flip side, Dougie had some serious uppers this morning: “Today is going to be an awesome day! A castle! Woo hoo!”

Once they arrive at said castle, Emily and Doug have some one-on-one time, or as Emily calls it, “My justification for sending Doug home, stat.”

They talk, but Doug is practically facing the other way with his arms crossed. I agree with Emily here that his body language isn’t exactly portraying “I want to love all over you.”

She decides it’s time for Doug to leave. She’s trying to give him the boot - explaining that they don’t have a romantic connection and that there’s been NO movement in their relationship, and he oddly picks THAT moment to lean in and kiss her. Guess where I am? Hot damn, yes, under my sofa. Please. Stop. Talking. Eeeeeeeek….

He leaves while shouting, “Have a good one! See ya!” I’m now searching for the remote to turn this off because under the sofa isn’t good enough. I need this shit off. I’m sooooo embarrassed for him. Poor guy. In the car, he says that his girl radar is off. I’d say not only is that true, but it’s the understatement of the year. He’s so right…He’s been in daddy land for so long, that he forgets how to be normal around a girl. He needs to date. Get back on that horse, Dougie!

The group date has horrifically turned into an awkward-city, two-on-one date. Chris claims he’s not intimidated by Sean at all. Really? Did you have bullshit for breakfast? Liar. I’M intimidated by Sean, so sure as shit you should be.

Again, Sean and Emily don’t have much to SAY so they just make out a lot. He probably tried to grab her boobs by now too. If he could find them through that silky tarp thing.

Chris has one-on-one time and tells her he’s pissed at her for not giving him a one-on-one date, but despite his anger and pissiness at the Bachelor cam all day, he’s nice to her and it’s just another boring conversation.

Emily gives Sean the rose but she might as well as just given it to his penis. That’s what it’s all about with this guy, right, ladies? He’s hot. And nice, yes, but I’m not seeing anything exciting. Besides his penis.

 Glad this isn't awkward!

Jef with one f Date 

The date card says, “Jef – this is your chance to pull at my heartstrings.” God, he’s so hot. Emily wants him too. That card might as well say, “This is your chance to pull at my vagina strings.” But then wait…a vagina string sounds like a tampon. Jef, this is your chance to pull at my tampon string – well that just sounds like a different type of date altogether. Oh God, gross. Forget I said anything. Let’s move on.

They’re walking around Prague (shocking) and come across a creepy doll store. They buy horrendous looking versions of themselves, and Jef actually goes back in to buy Ricki one too, which is kind of nice, I admit.

They go into some library where they decide to reenact their relationship up until now with the creepy puppets. Seriously, who had this idea? Cassie, that slutty producer? GREAT idea.

Jef’s puppet tells Emily he’s a million percent in love with Emily’s puppet. It’s actually cute. Don’t get me wrong, if it were Chris doing this, I would be calling him a total pussy but when Jef does it, it’s perfect and endearing. I am blinded by my love for him. Holy shit I love him. Love.

Four hours later, they’re STILL sitting in the library, talking about all the kids Emily wants yesterday. She says that there aren’t many people she could lay on the floor with and still be really happy. Just Jef. And maybe Arie. And Sean, but only if he didn’t talk and just made out with her.

He ends the date by rolling on top of her, kissing her and saying, “I want to date you so hard and marry the shit out of you.” She laughs. Notice how Sean or Arie don’t make her laugh? OK, yes, I’m a little biased, but if Jef hadn’t won me before, he just did. I heart him. And yes, that includes him naked on top of me. Sigh.

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Jef tells the Bachelor Cam that it’s either Chris or John but you can call me Wolf who are going home tonight. I love that it’s SO obvious, even to the other guys, that the show is letting the guys narrate what will happen.

Chris keeps whining about the fact that he has a lot to say to her tonight. Shut up, already. He does look pretty pissed though:

Emily tells Smitty that she doesn’t want a rose ceremony because she already knows what she wants to do. Ohhhh Chris is NOT going to be pleased about this. Smitty tells the guys this news. What I wouldn’t do to read Crazy Chris’ mind right now. On the other hand, John but you can call me Wolf is rather pleased. He says, “I just closed the deal. Game over. Rose is mine.” This makes me laugh. Even if it WAS true, and she got rid of Chris tonight and gave John a rose…he wouldn’t last one more week. Has he not SEEN Jef or Sean? Geesh.

So Sean is the only one with a rose already. At the rose ceremony, she gives one to Jef and then Arie. Duh. The last rose comes down to John or Chris…and Chris asks to speak with her in private. It’s pretty tame – he just apologizes for not making it easy on her yesterday and for acting like a boy and not a man. He’s not ready for it to end, blah blah blah. Begging is NOT attractive, so in my mind I keep telling him to chill out and sound normal. He does a decent job, I guess. Aaaaand she gives him the rose.

John is pissed, but I’m sure Chris didn’t change her mind. She’s never been into Wolf, despite his closing abilities. I’m sure she was planning on giving the rose to Chris all along. Whatever.

Emily walks John out and says she didn’t want to meet his family if she wasn’t 100% sure where they stood. Here, I’ll decode for you: “I didn’t want to meet your family because I just don’t like you that much. I like the other guys more. I mean, have you SEEN Jef or Sean?”

Emily toasts the remaining guys, saying, “Sending John home was hard, but I’m so confident in the three of you I have here. I mean, four… right, right. I forgot Chris is still here. Four, yes.”

Needless to say, it’s pretty obvious the top three will be Sean, Arie and Jef. That’s my prediction (and I don’t read spoilers). I hate to say it but I think it will come down to Sean and Arie, leaving my poor Jef heartbroken and all alone. I wonder if having a 37-year-old married mother of two smartass blogger lying on top of him naked would make him feel better? Worth a shot?

See you next week, peeps.


  1. I was so waiting for your post today because I knew you'd be with me on the whole Jef date. So much love. I'm only half kidding when I say that I would leave my fiance if Jef was like, "Hey let's make out some." My mom was making fun of Arie for saying he loves Emily and I was like, "YOU DON'T JUDGE WHO TELLS HER THEY LOVE HER!" meaning Jef, of course, because I don't care about Arie. And if Chris had done the marionette thing, I would have thought it was the stupidest thing in the history of ever.

    Oh! What are Jef's parents doing though? He said they were committed to some stuff for several years, which I assume means they're probably doing volunteer work in Africa or something, but what if they're in prison? Or a cult? (Can you tell I'm really bored by this season? Besides all the Jef stuff, obviously.)

  2. Oh what the christ. My comment should've posted as Tori, but apparently I forgot I was logged into gmail. I just read Jef is Mormon, or at least his parents are, so they're probably doing missionary work, not making meth or something. GOD this season is so scandal-free.

  3. Jen, first of all, you are FANTASTIC, started reading you last season, and now have to watch the show just because of you, I kind of hate you for that, so does my toddler.
    Secondly, I can't hold it in any more, but what is it about Jef??!!! Seriously does he know how many married women in their 30's want him? Why? I don't even like younger dudes and I end up laughing like a little girl every time he speaks. It's not like he's particularly eloquent or anything. AND, he's a Mormon!!! Maybe after he marries Emily we can all line up to be sister-wives!lol!!
    I have to disagree with you, I think she ends up with Jef, have a funny feeling. Love that you brought up Arie's neck zits, so nasty. He looks like a combination between Fievel the mouse and John Travolta, with long boney fingers, gross.

    Will be reading next week, and thank you!

  4. I read a lot of Bachelorette recaps but yours is exactly like the conversations I have with my best friends (1/2 the day on Tuesday when we are 'working'...). Thank you!!!

  5. I'm so glad that you actually ask us southeners if we wear that stuff! Hell no! I freakin wear workout pants and t shirts everyday. Some days my clothes have glitter on them but it's just bc I sat in my daughters glitter stash.
    Thank you for caring.
    So are you not getting retarded tingles anymore? There has been so many opportunities for them but I guess you have taken to hiding under the couch instead. Understandable. Ecspecially if that's where you keep your stash of Jef porn.

  6. I love you Jen. In a totally non-stalker-like, girl crush kind of way I mean.

    The entire time hubs and I are watching Polly Prissy Pants (or P3 as we call her in our house) we make commentary and place bets on what you're going to blog about on Tuesday. I win this week cuz I nailed it on the glitter hot pants and the different points at which you'd be under the sofa. Score for me!

    Seriously though, you are the highlight of my Tuesdays.

    Thanks for keepin' it real girl.

  7. I just convinced my friend to apply for The Bachelor. If she gets in...she'll definitely report back and you'll have all the crap that goes on!

  8. As a Texan southerner, those pants are worn a lot when you go clubbing...but not anywhere else. I wouldn't be wearing them on a romantic date with my potential husband.

    I loovvve Jef! I want to marry him right now (sorry boyfriend, you're not as romantic as Jef)! I just think he should change his hair style. That's the same hair style as Justin Beiber and the kids in One Direction, and it makes him look too young.

  9. i love your blog, too bad i just found it a few weeks ago, i wish i would have found it during ashley's season. you are hilarious and i look forward to reading your column each week!

    i dont know what it is about Jef but he makes me smile... he is hot, cute, and quirky... but seems a bit awkward with his hands (not a good sign for those late nights...)

    for a one night stand though i think arie would win, he just has a way with his hands, and mouth, and... i think that time when he pushed Emily against the wall so effortlessly made me think the guy knows what he is doing.

    but for a husband/bf jef for the win!

  10. I saw this, and naturally thought of your blog. Emily and her lucky winner?

    Long-Term Relationship Barbie

  11. I am a 37 year old married mother of two. I can not get enough of Jef. I am here to join the club, ladies!

  12. Go and look at the latest Instagram that Jef just posted on his facebook and twitter account. To die for. Your welcome, ladies. From one lady in her 30s to another.

  13. So hilarious and spot on once again!

    The neck zits thing almost made me tinkle in my fat girl panties. Even without the Clearasil before picture that is his neck, I just don't get the Arie thing. Not that cute and really not interesting. If emily is OK with not interesting, at least go for the hot guy, Sean! Oh please oh please God, let Chris have an epic meltdown when Emily boots his ass next week. This shows needs a pick me up!

    Jen, keep those pictures of your TV coming!

  14. Belated comment to say: you guys probably call Chris Harrison Smitty because he is strangely similar looking to The Preeminent Christian Singer/Songwriter of the World, Michael W. Smith. MWS goes by Smitty sometimes. He even refers to himself as Smitty. http://www.turnbacktogod.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/michael-w-smith.jpg (Can you kind of see it?)

  15. I'm 53 and watching 1F is the first time I've ever had cougar-type thoughts. What is it about that man?

    Another great recap. Thanks!

  16. And Ed seriously needs AA or rehab. He has a serious problem!