Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - Newsflash: Emily still plugging her nose when jumping in water

It is just me or did Emily show a little more spunk this week? I still feel like she’s heavy on the “interview” thing, and I’m mildly annoyed at her insanely obvious desperation to have babies, and the fact she still plugs her nose when jumping into a body of water, but she’s growing on me.

Anyhoo, we’re down to 13 dudes this week. Chris tells them there will be three dates this week – the group date, the one-on-one date and the dreaded two-on-one ménage a trois of awkwardness. He then tells them that they get to go to Bermuda – weee!

Alejandro’s nipple is so excited:

 So is Michael’s pretty yellow headband:

Emily is very excited to get to Bermuda because the NEXT time she’ll be there, she’ll be pregnant. This logic is lost on me as well, but she said it.

The guys pull into their hotel on a group of scooters and they look like a bunch of Lloyd’s from Dumb and Dumber. Or they look like a group of mental patients that all escaped at the same time. Either way, it’s funny.

Doug Date 

I don’t like Doug (the 33 year-old, single Dad and Realtor from Seattle). He’s too pussy for me. First of all, he’s as nervous as a 16 year-old girl on her way to prom, for his date with Emily. It just feels yucky. Man up, dude. The other guys sense this and make a LOT of fun of him, and I am in love with this scene. They are teasing puss boy and he’s MAD. Arie says to the camera that Doug is like the Hulk, “Doug Mad! Doug Smash. Doug Sad….” Too funny.

Emily picks him up and they go shopping. Doug replies, “Are we going shopping? I love it!” Another reason I dislike him. No dudes like to shop. Sure, it would be really fun if my husband wanted to shop with me, but the truth is, if he did, I’d be totally turned off. Lame, right? But so true.

Emily says things about Doug like, “It’s like we’ve known each other for years! He’s positive. The conversation is easy.” That’s like the kiss of death. On your FIRST date, you don’t want to feel like you’ve known each other for years. When you know someone for years, it means you poop with the door open. That’s not a good thing, people. Also, I know lust isn’t grounds for a stable marriage, but on my FIRST date, I’d like to be saying, “I want to rip his clothes off”, not “Gosh, he’s so positive.” Which brings me to the most critical point of all with Doug. I can’t picture him naked on top of me. He’d be trying to flex his big arms while being sensitive. Yuck. He’d probably say things like, “Do you like it here? How about when I do this?” Shut the fuck up. Do NOT talk to me when we’re having sex.

They walk around awhile and it is literally the most boring date ever. They probably had something exciting planned but when it rained they made them walk around instead. She writes his son a postcard. They walk through a giant O and make a wish. I’m asleep.

I wake back up when they head to dinner because I am startled by the butterfly dress. I mean…What. The. Fuck. She’s so pretty – but someone style her, please.

Doug says to Emily that when she wrote the postcard to Austin, it put him on cloud nine. Reason number 17 I hate Doug. Dudes shouldn’t say things like, “I’m on cloud nine”.

Emily thinks he’s too perfect and grills him for his flaws. He’s kind of douchey and says things like, “I’m with my son too much and I don’t wash my girlfriend’s car ENOUGH.” He asks her what her flaws are and she’s just as bullshit, saying, “I’m sensitive and I like to stay in my pajamas all day sometimes.” She adds on, “It’s weird though. Even when I do that, I’m oddly, just as hot.”

Doug then says that his grandpa told him never to kiss a girl unless it’s clear she wanted to be kissed. GREAT advice. I LOVE it when I basically have to beg a dude to kiss me. Feels really great. He then says, “I never make the first move. Ever.” What the fuck? You complete pussy. I don’t need to be manhandled, but I do need you to be a fucking man and kiss me. Two more good reasons I hate him. With Emily’s demure, shy, Southern ways, these two will NEVER kiss, apparently.

I almost forgot! Best and biggest reason I dislike Dougie: He says, “If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know.” Referring to yourself in the third person is also a total turn-on. (“Do you want Dougie to stick it in now?”) You asswipe.

Group Date

The group date this week is for Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon. They’re going sailing and Kalon says he’s in his element. Just like acting is his element. Just like “fucking supermodels” is his element (his words, not mine. See his Facebook note below. Warning – trying to read it will make your eyes bleed)

Apparently, the guys have to race sailboats, in teams of four. The winning team gets to spend the evening with Emily and the losing team goes home. Sean said that he played “D1 football” so he’s prepared. Not sure I see the connection? That’s like me saying I bought a new camera so I’m all ready to make pancakes now.

The race looks exhausting, but somehow team yellow pulls off the win. Team yellow is Ryan, Jef, Arie and Kalon. Oddly, Sean’s D1 football experience didn’t come through. Hmmm.

Charlie, Travis, Sean and Chris head home. I think Charlie might be crying, but I can’t be sure since I’m too busy throwing a bowl of peanuts at my TV while screaming, “You’re all fucking pussies, for shit’s sake!”

The after party is interesting, only thanks to Ryan. This guy is fucking delusional. How in the world does he think he’s a catch? He’s a judgmental, egotistical dirt bag, who isn’t even good looking. In three minutes, he manages to tell Emily she’s a trophy wife, and that she’s still not allowed to be fat because God designed her to be a beautiful woman. This logic is also lost on me. A common theme this week…

Ryan says he’s very intentional about what he’s doing here. Ummm, as opposed to unintentional? They are all there to be on the show, to date Emily. Does he think Jef just stumbled, unintentionally, upon the crew filming one day and said, “Oh hey, I’ll hang out for a bit! No idea what this is for though.”

Ryan talks to Emily and says that there’s a lot of depth to him. No there’s not. You’re a fucking idiot.

He tells her that he’s not here to impress her, but to make an impression upon her. Say what? What you talkin’ bout Willis? (Please say I have readers old enough to understand that reference)

This is the best part. He says that girls will be watching Emily to see how she conducts herself, and that she’s a role model… basically she should keep her knees shut (except with him, I’m sure). Then he gets mad at her for kissing Arie. Ummm, have you SEEN this show before, Ryan? The moral compass of this franchise is hazy at best, dude. If little girls are watching this show to learn about how to conduct themselves with men, they are already completely fucked.

She also sits with Jef, who I freaking love to death. She’ll never pick him, but I love him. Although even he pusses out here and won’t kiss her. Disappointing. Emily thinks so too.

She makes up for her lack of kissing with Jef by slurping the shit out of Arie’s face. The noises are nauseating. But he’s pretty cute.

John but you can call me Wolf and Nate Date 

The three of these people put together do not exactly equal television dynamite. I mean, SNOOZE. For fucks’ sake. What a boring damn date.

They meet on a yacht, ride to an island and they jump off a cliff (where Emily is still plugging her nose. Dammit, Emily. I’m beginning to like you, but you need to work that out). There is literally nothing to say about the entire first half of the date. The second half is a romantic dinner in a cave. How’s THIS for awkward:

 Just when I think things can’t get any more awkward, this is how the three of them are seated. In a straight line. Fun.

Then you realize that there is NO noise whatsoever in this cave, and the three of them are all meek and boring as fuck. At this point, I decide it’s best if I just hide under the sofa for a bit.

After what feels like twelve hours at the table, Emily takes Nate aside to chat. He cries about missing his family. Sweet, I guess, but WOW what a turn-off. He’s hot too, but now I can’t picture him naked on top of me anymore. Would he be crying?

John but you can call me Wolf and Emily talk alone for awhile, where he proceeds to sell himself to her for twenty minutes straight. He then ends the discussion by saying, “I don’t feel the need to sell myself.” Did I miss something while I was under the couch? What the?

She gives John the rose, boots Nate and the only thing I can think of is please, please don’t make the three of them take the 40 minute walk out of the cave together. I’ve had enough awkwardness for tonight, thanks.

It came down to the fact that Emily feels Nate is too young for her. She says, “I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I want someone for the rest of my life.” She tacks on, “And ideally, he’d be willing to sign an ironclad contract promising exactly that.”

Cocktail Party 

A couple days ago, Doug, who is 33, made a comment that there’s a difference between age 25 and 30, maturity wise. Obviously, the immature 25-year-old, Chris, doesn’t like this since he’s trying to sell Emily on the fact that despite his age, he’s more than ready to be a husband and dad. He did go to college, after all (See last week’s recap if you’re confused here). The big drama of the cocktail party is Chris telling Doug he didn’t like him saying that. Seriously, I’m so bored. THIS is the season’s drama? Anyway, Doug is kind of a dick here, making Chris feel crazy (I think Doug is a tiny bit manipulative) but Chris shows his immaturity by the way he fights. And I think he’s got a temper problem. And a massive amount of insecurity. But at least he’ll kiss Emily and doesn’t refer to himself in the third person, so he’s still ahead of Doug in my book. Let’s move on.

 Other highlights include:

• Alejandro tells Emily he has passion for mushroom farming. Seriously, how is he still here?
• Ryan says to Emily, “Just cause you’re the center of attention doesn’t make you worthy.” I don’t know about you, ladies, but I LOVE it when a guy says such romantic things like this to me. It’s right up there with being slapped around and spit on.
• Ryan says to the Bachelor camera that although he sees great potential in Emily (like a solid mutual fund?), he feels he is called to something bigger. He then goes on to tell Michael that he would like to be the Augusta, Georgia Bachelor when this is done. A small, sad, pathetic part of me thinks it would be great entertainment to watch this.
• Emily makes out with Sean for a bit, but they finish with a prayer, which always takes the heat out of a seduction scene. Juuuust kidding. They didn’t really pray. (out loud, anyway)
• Arie and Emily chat some more and there’s nothing new here. She clearly likes him and he clearly likes her sweet ass and access to a heavily NASCAR connected family. Juuuust kidding again. I’m sure he’s here for ALL the right reasons.
• Doug says he doesn’t need to kiss Emily to feel like he’s on the same page as everyone else. That’s something pussies say when they don’t have the balls to kiss a hot chick.
• Jef wears this below... Oddly, I find it attractive.

 Rose Ceremony 

Emily chats with Chris before the rose ceremony. She tells Chris that she knows Ryan thinks he has her where he wants her, but she knows what a manipulator he is. But then she keeps him. Way to stand your ground, Emily. I have faith you won’t marry the dude, but tell him to fuck off already.

She comments that she loves Jef and Arie but isn’t sure Mushroom Farmer is ready to be a dad. Why not? Is it the rat tail? The two diamond earrings? The nipples? What?

Anyway, Jef (hot), Doug (douche dad) and John but you can call me Wolf already have roses. And Nate has already gone home. She has seven roses to give out, sending two more guys home.

Roses go to:

-Sean - 28, Insurance Agent, Dallas. Hot, but overly exercised, and a bible beater. Wants Emily barefoot and pregnant, which is perfect for her, actually.
-Arie - 30, Race Car Driver, Scottsdale. Cute, loves Emily but overly loud kissing technique.
-Travis - 30, Advertising Sales Rep, Missouri. The egg dude. Despite the fact the egg is now gone, he’ll always be egg dude. Clearly not around much longer.
-Chris - 25, Corporate Sales Director, Chicago. Suffering from low self esteem and age discrimination.
-Ryan - 31, Pro Sports Trainer, Augusta. Smarmy, really gross, always shiny and likes to insult women to make them feel like shit about themselves. Winner.
-Kalon - 27, Luxury Brand Consultant, Houston. Super douche. Read the Facebook note and give me one good reason why he shouldn’t be smacked in the nuts.
 -Alejandro - 24, Mushroom Farmer, San Francisco. That’s right – he’s only 24 and farms mushrooms. This guy has as much of a chance of winning as I do winning the 200-meter Fly in the London games this summer.

Which means Charlie and Michael are sent home. Michael comments he’s never been in love (with anything other than his ponytail, that is). Charlie holds it together pretty well, too, but looks a litttttttle weepy in the rain. I had high hopes for him, and I can’t believe Emily kept Ryan, Kalon and Alejandro over him. I mean, come on. I love a good mushroom, but this is ridiculous.

I don’t read spoilers and I HATE it when someone blows it for me, so this isn’t coming from an “official” place, but I bet the final three are Jef, Sean and Arie, right? MAYBE Chris, Doug and Wolf will battle for a spot in there, but I don’t think so. I want to fast forward three weeks, please.

They’re going to London next week when one of the dudes calls Ricki “baggage”. Emily tells them to “get the fuck out”, which is bound to win points with me. Stay tuned.


  1. Jen I can't say we're brothers from another mother but we must have dated the same guys or something in college for we have the exact same taste!

    Ryan is so desperate to be the bachelor before his hair starts falling out. His peacock crown is all to make it look like he has a lot of hair up top. NOPE he's most likely using Rogaine already and that egotistical douche will absolutely be wearing a rug before he is 50. I now christen him Ryan Rogaine please spread it so he DOESN'T become the next bachelor.

    As for our shared favorite Jef - I know exactly why I like him. He's like the cutest guy in 6th grade (and he says 'like' a lot just like I do - so very valley boy/girl) just bigger. We would have fought to the death over him in college, had we known each other, and had he not been 5 at the time (you know what I'm talkin' about willis!)

    Also, Jef's bermudas were all a nod to Emily. Bermuda is a huge English aristocrat spot and all the well off men wear the bermudas. She's from a high class family he's showing her he 'gets it' and he 'one of them.' She is going back one day to pop out her own little bermuda wearing Ricky (as opposed to Ricki) and Jef can fit the bill. I totally dig his confidence to wear that too. The fact that all the guys don't make fun of him shows they think he is the coolest boy in 6th grade too.

    I just don't see him and Emily together. If she picks him it won't last long.

    That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    Christina P

  2. My overall impression of last night's show was also that Emily is starting to develop some spunk, and thus more personality, and just in time. I liked her conversation with Chris. It seemed pretty genuine for a change, a breath of fresh air. I don't know who wins either (I'm staying away from Reality Steve because he has been so pissy lately) and I'm liking that I don't know. At this point it is clear that she is into Arie more than any of the others.

    Yeah, there is so very little drama this season and producers must have been tearing their hair out trying to work some up. There is not even anyone drunk, what is up with that!

    The three way date was so painful. Listening to all the "like, you know"s from ALL of them had me cringing. I understand being nervous but they must remember they are on TV so they need to have better sounding conversations! LIKE spit it out already! And that seating at the table was just ODD! They must have had very little room or something.

    Ah well, on to next week!

  3. Love your blog Jen! HI-larious as usual.
    I don't get your love for Jef though - at all. HAHA!

  4. HILARIOUS, as usual! As if the date couldn't get any worse, the dude pronounced quinoa "kee-noooh-ah" about 10 times and I started to die. Only made worse that neither of the other two knew that wasn't what it's actually called. You can't make this shit up.

  5. Thanks for the laugh out loud moments, Jen! I can't tell you how much it bugs me that Emily plugs her nose too! I had a friend who did that when we were little and it drove me nuts!

    Okay, so I really really don't understand everyone's obession with Jef. Seems everyone thinks he's just adorbs and I'm not seeing it. He reminds me of a pre-teen who's so awkward at the school dance. I mean really, that hair! Is he Mormon? I'm thinking yes.

    Love your crazy ass comments about the mushroom farmer. Turns out this guy has something there. His company is the ones selling this mushroom boxes at Whole Foods and they are blowing up right now! Now all I can think of when I seem them at WF is the Bachelorette. So bizarre.

    Thanks for the great recap. Love it!

  6. Thanks for the laugh out loud moments, Jen! I can't tell you how much it bugs me that Emily plugs her nose too! I had a friend who did that when we were little and it drove me nuts!

    Okay, so I really really don't understand everyone's obession with Jef. Seems everyone thinks he's just adorbs and I'm not seeing it. He reminds me of a pre-teen who's so awkward at the school dance. I mean really, that hair! Is he Mormon? I'm thinking yes.

    Love your crazy ass comments about the mushroom farmer. Turns out this guy has something there. His company is the ones selling this mushroom boxes at Whole Foods and they are blowing up right now! Now all I can think of when I seem them at WF is the Bachelorette. So bizarre.

    Thanks for the great recap. Love it!

  7. Please please please let this be true!


  8. I think Kalon said "super shiek" (sic) at least five times in the FB link you posted. I don't understand why Kalon and Ryan aren't gone. You can get away with mousy and mushroom farming, but I'd send guys packing after their rude comments.

  9. I'm really, really hoping she's just keeping Ryan and Kalon so that her next couple of eliminations are a little easier. And I'm betting Kalon is the one who called Ricki baggage. I mean, they showed it wasn't Doug or Jef, and I thiiink Ryan? And Kalon just seems stupid and self-centered enough to think something like that is ok. He and Ryan are such boners. I wish they'd both just take their lipgloss and go back to shiny-town together.

  10. Jennnn! I'm dying! Where is the blog for last night 6/11/12!?!? i missed it and I gotta get the lowdown for our Bachelorette Bracket!

  11. Hi Jen, Last night I watched the show and read your blog at the same time. It was hilarious. I was pausing it every five minutes to read it out loud to my husband. (haha) Doug is SUCH A PUSSY, I was screaming at the TV when he ran and tattled on Kalon, then proceeded to give his speech to all the guys for Emily. GAAAAH. Get out of here.
    I will say I'm surprised at how little you are bashing Ryan though. He is the creepiest, smarmy-ass dude on the show. And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he tell that long-haired guy a few episodes ago that he is using the show as a platform for possibly being the bachelor himself, and becoming a celebrity?! She needs to get him the FUCK outta there! I hate looking at his face and his stupid hair. Anyhoo, love your blog! Keep it up!

  12. Thank you for also having a crush on Jef. I can't figure it out, but there is just something about a guy who can pull of blue knee socks...