Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - I'm dumber for having met those twins

Seriously, am I the only one even watching this garbage? Holy crap this is trash. This show makes the Bachelor and the Bachelorette look like an educational PBS special. Add to that the fact that the Olympics are on and it’s a miracle ABC is even bothering to air this shit. And don’t even get me started on those fucking twins. What a bunch of empty-headed whore bags.

Because I’m convinced nobody is even reading this, I’m making this short. Also, my head begins to bleed out my ears when I think about this show for too long.


 The competition this week is a rhythmic gymnastics routine. It literally pains me to have to spend two hours watching this show instead of the Olympics, but I WILL say that this display was probably more entertaining than Olympic rhythmic gymnastics. Why? Two words: Erica Rose.

She wears a dress to the practice. When you find out you’ll be doing rolls on the ground, maybe you go grab a pair of shorts? Just a thought. I mean, fuck.

Besides the shorts, Erica is horrible at gymnastics anyway. She says, “I’m not good at performing and I’m not good at remembering choreography.” She adds on, “I’m also not good at basic math. Or any kind of logic. Or sometimes just thinking. But I’m really good at talking slow and stupid.’”

Anyway, they practice and learn a routine. The best guy and girl win and get a rose for safety this week. They also get to go out on a date with three people and give one of them a rose too. The one deemed the worst (a really tough call), gets one vote against them at the elimination vote this week.

In a nutshell, the girls are just horrid. Horrid. Erica is clearly the worst. The judges (JP and Ashley Hebert of course, and some poor ex-Olympian with nothing better to do) are in shock at how shitty the girls are. After the girls are done, JP says, “I can’t even clap.” The guys are watching and say things like, “What’s happening here?” or “It looks like a preschool dance recital.” They aren’t far off. However, slut bag Donna thinks she’s great and is worried about her competition - Blakeley. Or Jamie. But her makeup is weighing her down. Seriously, ease UP on that shit, Jdog. It’s too much. Your face looks…thick.

The guys aren’t any better, but get a lot of applause because they at least tried to make it entertaining. But there isn’t any real gymnastics going on. They did the worm across the floor, for fucks’ sake.

The judges vote Ed and Erica as the worst performers, and Blakeley and Michael as the best.

Now Blakester and Michael need to decide who to take on their date. Donna is chatting with someone in the kitchen about how much she wants to go on a date with Michael. She keeps commenting on how she can normally get any guy she wants, and that guys are usually head-over-heels for her the first second they meet her, but she has to fight for Michael. I’m going out on a limb here…but I’d say these guys she can “get” or who are “head over heels” for her, just want to bang her. And they usually succeed, so she thinks she’s Miss Popular. I really need to teach my daughter this critical difference. It’s not a big WIN in life to have guys want to bang you. I’m 37 and certainly not the hottest chick around, sporting a lot of weird post-baby shapes on my body…but I know with certainty I could walk down a street in San Francisco right now and if I screamed “Free Sex with me!” that SOMEONE would take me up on it. I’m not saying it would be a quality guy, but please, if you throw it out there Donna, someone will bang you. It doesn’t mean you’re awesome. It means you’re slutty.

The other interesting part of the show (and “interesting” is a stretch) is dirtbag Chris. Now that Blakeley has a rose, he says he will continue to bang her so he can be safe too, even though he hates her and thinks she’s scary as fuck. I’m paraphrasing but I’m not far off. What a stand-up guy.

Michael Date 

Michael claims he’s going on his date for love, not strategy. However, he chooses Donna so he must be taking girls out based on whore-ability too. He also picks Rachel who I think is cool, and Lindzi who needs to lay off the bronzer.

They go to a theater and listen to some band perform. It’s a little awkward since they only allow twenty people in the door and everyone is watching the Bachelor Pad people dance together. It’s weird. Michael makes out with Rachel a bit…she claims he’s a phenomenal kisser and that dancing with him was romantic. Ummm, right up until he takes Donna away and they pretend they’re in the tongue fencing Olympics. This was nauseating.

Meanwhile back at the house, Ryan is making Jamie a special sushi dinner, along with a balloon and flower-filled surprise for her birthday. Really? Jamie? I think Ryan’s mind is all clogged and fucked up with 32 years of pent up virginity. His judgment is off since he thinks Jamie is the type of girl he wants to take home to Mom. Really? Did you not see Ben’s season? That kissing scene is unforgivable.

Anyway, as he spreads rose petals on her bed, I can’t help but think, “Yup, that’s why you’re still a virgin.”

Anyway, Jamie wants no part of Ryan’s seduction scene. Instead she wants to floss her teeth and spend time with Chris. Her words, not mine. She doesn’t know why Chris likes Blakeley because she thinks SHE is the girl Chris should want to bring home to Mom. Who? THIS GIRL:

She finally gets time with Chris and it’s just so gross. She pretends to tease him and I’m so uncomfortable. I switch to the Olympics, but this is what I find. What the? Nice camera angle.

Anyway, Chris wants to fuck Jamie and her makeup but I think he wants to fuck Blakeley too to ensure his safety. Either way, I’m nauseated. He ends up sleeping with Blakeley after making out with Jamie, even though he knows Jamie sleeps on the top bunk over Blakeley. Seriously, what am I watching.

Back on the date, Michael gives the rose to Rachel. Donna is sad so she soothes herself by going back to the house, getting drunk and making out with Erica Rose. Yum.

Blakeley Date 

Blakeley takes Chris, Ed and Dave on her date. They head to a soapbox derby race, where they make cars and race them. Ed wins. I’m BORED.

They head to the random house where the Bachelor lives during his season and they…sit around, and maybe hang out in a hot tub. Snooze fest. David, the nerdy fan, tries to get Blakeley to give him the rose which of course is ridiculous, since Blakeley will do whatever Chris wants because chicks on this show are pathetic and do whatever they think will land them a man.

Back at the house 

Everyone is wasted back at the house. Kalon and Lindzi are snuggly, which is odd, but fun for me to watch. David is making out with one of the twins but has to stop when he realizes that even touching one of those skanks gives him an instant herpes outbreak.

Ed is a wasted hot mess. I kind of love what a fucking asshole he is. He is pretty damn funny. I kind of enjoy how he doesn’t give a shit about anything. He doesn’t want to meet a chick, or play the game. He wants to get wasted and have a good time. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from getting a blowjob from skank fest participant number three, Sara. This chick needs some serious self-esteem instruction. She says, “I don’t want to be the only one not hooking up with someone in a hot tub! That would be so pathetic.” Riiiiight. It’s pathetic to NOT hook up with an asshole on national TV in a hot tub. Right. Got it.

The twins now have a weird segment that takes much too long to resolve. They fight and fight and fight and yell at each other for seven hours straight and finally decide to leave. It’s all really, really stupid. I just wonder what these two skanks are going to do next. How do they UP their skank value? What do they do AFTER the Bachelor Pad and fucking The Situation on Jersey Shore? How do they top that?

Cocktail Party 

Because the twins left this week, none of the girls will be eliminated this week. It looks like the elimination is between Ed and Ryan for the guys. The girls are split. Oddly, Sara decides to vote Ed out, despite the fact she gave him a blowjob last night and kind of likes him. It’s really, really weird. As soon as she votes for him, she spends the rest of the night crying about it. I don’t get it. Nor do I care. Seriously, I’m over these fucking morons.

The swing vote comes down to Jamie, who decides to vote off her own partner, Ryan, confirming the fact she’s not just an idiot, but also a fucking asshole. Also, I love the fact that the girls vote him out because they are skanks and have no use for a virgin. Wow.

I’m going to go read a history book or something, to try to regain all the smart I lost last night watching this.


  1. Just letting you know that your blog is read! And your commentary is spot on to what I was thinking all night! Enjoy the history book!! Haha.

  2. I just have to say that i found your blog through the comments section on Reality Steve's website and you are fucken HILARIOUS! This shit show is a damn derailed train wreck. I hope these ass clowns are in a fetal position in the corner rocking themselves after seeing what douche's they look like on tv! :)

  3. Oh Jen, I so agree...I did lose some brain cells last night. And Michael Stag went on this show to find love?

  4. I didn't get to watch BP last night due to the fact that I hate it too and would much rather watch Olympians in tiny speedos jump off things and compete to be awesome winners, not trashy drunk sluts. But your blog was great...I got the point and didn't waste another 2 hours of my life on it! I really hope us readers will give you a break and find you another show to blog about! I'm good if you switch to So You Think You Can Dance or something??

  5. Can't stand BP this year, so thanks for watching it for us -- a valuable community service!

  6. Oh please don't stop writing! I need the comic relief. My teen started reading your blog too because she wanted to know why I was laughing so hard. :-)

  7. You are not alone, for I, too, watch this digital garbage. And I love commas. I have no reason to watch this show if I didn’t have your blog to look forward to. You. Must. Continue.

    So how do you make a hot tub and champagne completely erection deflating? Put Ed and Jaclyn hooking up in it. Facially speaking, they deserve each other. Yuck.

    Jaclyn’s face, Erica Rose’s pantied twat, Kalon’s botox, Chris’ nose/anger issues and Ed’s everything feel like it’s “their” house and the fans don’t belong there? Can someone please tell these people they are the REJECTS from a bad dating show and that none – I repeat – none of them are celebrities?! And that they’ve been casted on this horrid show that airs in whatever the opposite of sweeps is because they’re all train wrecks? I asked Siri to remind me to have this fact written in the sky over southern California next summer so the BP season 4 douches get a dose of real reality.

    Love you Jen!

  8. I only watched part of it, it's just really too disgusting. I felt dirty. But thank you for letting me know what happens!
    Don't stop writing! Just like Olympians, if they have a bad night, they need to focus on the next competition. You can do this Jen, we are here for you!!

  9. I was actually out when BP aired last night and asked my son the rabid fan (wonder why, he's 16 ;-) to just let me know what happened. Boys being boys, he summarized in like two or three sentences. Perfect! Gives me enough to be able to follow your blog the next day and I may continue the season just like this.

  10. You are the only reason I watch the bachelor and bachelorette. This is my first BP season, and I have to say, it makes me feel good about myself. Some days I feel dramatic and pathetic. Especially Mondays. So I have a glass or two of wine, watch the show, then shake until I can read your recap. You make my reality world go round. Please don't leave me in the pits of this addiction. You gave me the first hit.

  11. The ONLY reason I endure this show is because of your blog. Seriously, this group of A-holes makes me wonder about my own brain capacity....two hours of my life, gone.

  12. Hot tubs are great and they will continue to be my favorite luxury item in the house. I always get excited when I am about to use the hot tub.

  13. I unfortunately watched it too, despite all the stupid gross horribleness. But your blog is so much better than watching the show!

    Yeah I was very surprised that they actually aired this during the Olympics. I was praying to God that it would be cancelled...but it wasn't. I hate ABC. They have stolen my soul and any trace of innocence left in my mind.

  14. My sister, her husband, and I watch this show together and laugh at all the crap they do. Much like what you post in your blog. Every time they showed Jamie I was thinking "What the fuck is with those dumb ass gloves?". I mean, seriously what the hell was that?

  15. Don't stop watching and blogging, Jen! We need you!

  16. I'm reading! So glad the twins were gone, they were pretty crazy. And I might be the only one that actually likes Ryan - I think he's kinda sweet! At any rate, he's the only one from the show that I could even consider dating... they rest are just soooo trashy.

  17. OK Jen you are off the hook for being my personal Goddess - I just can't watch this pure shit ever again. How about a compromise? I will read your blog but not watch this horrid crap-filled human debris bullshit.

    I have vowed to stop watching The Soup many times but Joel McHale kicks ass so I keep watching. I think you and Joel would make a great pair by the way!

    What else can you review for us? Books? Movies? The Voice maybe?

    You did get me to watch 2 episodes of this putrid vomit, and for that I applaud you. I wouldn't watch it even if Melissa Rycroft came back on to host, and she is my Jef with one f.

    I had no idea it was Big Brother, Survivor, and Biggest Loser: STD Edition all rolled into one. No fucking thanks!

  18. What the HELL is with Jamie's gloves?

    LOVE your blogs!

  19. omg. too bad Herpes Pad wasn't on tonight during the Men's Gymnastics...that way when I was hiding under my couch because of the horrendous showing the men made, I could just stay there and watch the crazy twins, Erica Rose's crotch-shots (thank God she waxes) and yucky Jamie. She should've stuck with the 32 year old Virgin-thought that's why she wore the Madonna gloves. So she could break out in song "Like a Virgin"
    Not sure what the wanna-be "stars" from Herpes pad will do when they are off the show, but the mens gymnastic team can get a role on Magic Mike 2.

  20. Isn't Michael a breakdancer? When do we get to see that. It's been since Deanna and not one busted move. Or was that another one of the Bachelor franchise's brilliant made-up occupations for their contestants.

    Anyway. This show is dumb and I am speechless...because now I am dumb.

    Damn blog moderation. I can't even frackin read the letters in the "captcha" to get this comment posted. What the frick is a ofarcian?

  21. Im so over this show but can't help but watch so i can read your blog. You're hilarious! Keep em comin! Maybe you can blog for Dancing with the Stars... ??