Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - So those twins are skanks. Wow.

Wow, and I thought the Bachelor was filled with pathetic skanks. This show sets a new low. I mean, I’ve watched before, but I guess I blocked out a lot of the skankness. The best part is how the old contestants think they were chosen to be on this show because they’re the most famous or something. Hello? You were chosen because you’re the gross of the gross. I’m talking to you, Jaclyn. Fuck, all of you, actually…but some are clearly more skanked out than others. We’ll get to it.

Anyway, I’m still in Tahoe and I forced my friend to watch the show with me again. She was actually into it this time and I’m the first to admit I was entertained too. Mostly by the shock of it. People are really like this? Wow.

Chris Harrison lays it out for us, explaining how this season will not just be old contestants but super fans too. To which my friend asks, “Aren’t they all just fans? It’s not like any of them are famous, so they’re all just fans. It’s not like Jennifer Aniston is there, too.” She has a point. The


Skank Cast 

Chris from Emily’s season: The 25-year-old who thinks he’s mature, but cried like a fucking pussy. And has a huge temper. Apparently, his frighteningly low self-esteem manifests itself on the Bachelor Pad in the form of man-skank. A common theme on this show…and in life actually: Feel shitty about yourself? Bang everyone you can! Maybe someone will love you!

Lindzi from Ben’s season: I had mixed feelings about her. I wanted to think she was normal, and at times she seems cool, but then I found out she changed the spelling of her name to “Lindzi” just to seem extra special for the show. Unacceptable.

Reid from Jillian’s season: Reid was a favorite with the ladies. Not crazy hot, but he was so damn cool and a nice guy. He definitely would have won me over waaaaay before STD-laden Ed.

Ed from Jillian’s season: Speaking of dickhead Ed, here he is. In a nutshell, he thinks he is reaaaaaally, really cool for being on the Bachelorette and loves to take advantage of his false fame to bang chicks seven nights a week that he picks up in skank bars. I’m not saying you can’t be fun, young, and single, but he takes it to another skank level. In other words, he’s perfect for this show.

Blakeley from Ben’s season: In one of my recaps from Ben’s season I called her a lesbian cougar transvestite. Jesus Jen, not nice. I take back lesbian and transvestite, but I will keep cougar and add desperate, sad and resembles an Olympic female softball player. Also, she has the self-esteem of Nerf football. But she claims her ass-waxing job keeps her fulfilled so that’s nice.

Jaclyn from Ben’s season: One of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen, inside and out. What a fucking bitch. My friend says she looks like Paris Hilton after she got hit in the face with a frying pan. I say that’s too generous.

Kalon from Emily’s season: The way he looks at himself in the mirror, as he’s standing there in his underwear, is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. He looks like a murderer. I bet he’d ask if he could tie you up naked and poop on your chest on your first date. I turn to my husband (who is trapped in the same room as me since we’re on vacation) and I say, “I will never leave you no matter what because if I have to date in the real world again and fuckfaces like that are out there, I don’t want to go.” He replies, “Thanks? I guess…”

Paige, 24 – She’s one of the super fans. She thinks Chris is cute, so clearly her judgment is a little off. But I guess I’d say she’s normal-ish. Boring, not remarkably hot. Whatevs.

Chris, 28 – Another super fan…and I mean SUPER FAN. He likes to come home from a day of SWAT-teaming to his JC Penney pajamas, candles and red wine, and snuggles up on the sofa alone to watch the Bachelor. He also masturbates during every commercial break. As opposed to Kalon who wants to poop on you on your first date, Chris probably wants to caress your face and make slow-gentle love while listening to Kenny G. Yucks. Anyway, he claims he wants to go on the show to find real love. What an asshole.

Donna, 22 – Another super skank fan. From this introduction, she embodies everything I don’t want my daughter to grow up to be: A fucking skank whose self-esteem is based on the way her skank body looks in a bikini. In other words, she was perfectly cast for this show.

David, 28 – Another super fan. Is this guy for real?

Brittany and Erica – Holy trailer trash times two. Skank twins. And I mean, these chicks exemplify the definition of the word skank. One of them is apparently a virgin, but guess what, Virgin? You can still be a fucking virgin whore. I bet she’s given more blowjobs than all other Bachelor contestants combined, yet claims she’s a virgin so she seems clean. Yo bitch, wash that mouth out. There’s sperm on the side of your face. So anyway, I hate these bitches – they’re not only whores (the non-virgin admits she might have sex with someone as strategy), but they’re stupid and mean with terrible color jobs on their hair. I’m especially offended that they call Blakeley “old” since they think she’s 37. That’s my age and I’m not entering menopause soon, you stupid fucks. And yeah, I’m old, but I’d take my old, wrinkly ass over your stupid skankness any day. Enjoy your future, whoring and working at Yogurt Park. You fucks.

 Double the skank


Limos Arrive 

We see some of the people mentioned above and then a couple more we barely care about. Nick, the personal trainer from Ashley’s season. He seems the same and he looks like…well, a personal trainer. Exciting stuff.

Rachel from Ben’s season: I liked her. She seemed normal and fun.

Sarah from Brad’s first season: Who the fuck is this? She is not especially attractive or fun or skanky. I have no clue why she is on this show. They must have really had to grasp at straws to fill some last cast spots. Wow.

Ryan from DeAnna’s season: He’s a 32-year-old virgin who doesn’t drink. He’s a good guy who is a refreshing change from the skank twins but doesn’t hold much value for a show like Bachelor Pad. Also, what in God’s name possessed him to go on this show?

Jaclyn pops out of the limo and says, “I’m not here to please.” Guess what bitch? You’re also not pleasing my eyes.

Tony from Emily’s season: He gets out of the car asking, “Is this the gay Bachelor Pad? Am I in the right place?” I don’t know, he just seems a little gay. Anyway, Tony was the pussy who cried about his son all the time on Emily’s season. He says he wants to walk away from this show with the money AND love. Yeah, good luck with that. Your chances are much, much higher walking away with a genital wart outbreak.

Michael – Yeah, I don’t know. He seems like a funny guy, even sweet and normal. But I hate him for coming back to this show over and over. Move on with your life, dude.

Erica – Vapid, horrible chick. She’s just really shallow and stupid, but there’s always something that makes me feel bad for her. She just has NO self-esteem and spends her money trying to look good. Also, she needs a refund for those horrid extensions. She and Kalon have a feud brewing, probably because they’re battling for the Worst Human Award. She yells at Kalon to stop attacking her appearance because she’s worked hard on it. God, that’s so sad. Go work hard on being less stupid. Go study something.

The super fans are out next and you sort of want to punch all of them in the face. What assholes.


Cocktail Party 

The first night is filled with Ed doing nothing but trying to set a new drunken asshole standard. Don’t get me wrong, he looks like he’s having a good time and I’d love to do that too, but I hope I’d know not to throw it all out there. The first night. On national TV.

Smitty tells us there’s a competition each week and the winner gets a rose, which gives them immunity from being voted off. They also win a fun outing together. Sounds riveting, doesn’t it?

Smitty tells them that this week they will compete in couples, so they have to pair up. (FYI – the skank twins vote as one…because alone, they’re not smart enough to figure out how to put the picture in the ballot box.) The couples spend some time picking and choosing partners, but Ed is too drunk to participate. So when nobody picks Jaclyn, she is forced to take Ed. She runs out to the hot tub to tell him and understandably, he tries to drown himself when he realizes he’ll have to be with her.


Competition 

This competition consists of the couples hanging out in a giant heart and whoever can stay there the longest wins. The big heart is hanging over a mat and gets tilted downward every few minutes. The first one to fall off gets a vote against them at the elimination that week.

Nate and Paige are partners, and there’s a little bit of flirtation there, but nothing exciting. Chris and Blakeley are partners – he isn’t really interested in her, but she is psychotically involved with him already. This is going to get good, people.

First ones down are Erica and Nate, and it’s shocking Erica isn’t more athletic. Not really.

One of the skank twins and David (a super fan) win the competition. God, could I care less? David asks himself, “Now I just have to figure out how to stick my penis into two vaginas at the same time…Hmmm.” I don’t think it’ll be that hard, actually. I’m sure their vaginas are huge. Actually one skank won’t put penises in her vagina, so she can just give you a blowjob later. God, this is gross and graphic.


Later on… 

The twins and David go on their date, which consists of riding some roller coasters at the Santa Monica pier and (shocking) skinny-dipping. That guy is stoked…but won’t be so happy when he wakes up with an enlarged, rashy penis.

Jamie is here…the horrendously awkward kisser from Ben’s season. She straddled him once and narrated her entire make out session with Ben and it was by far, the most awkward moment I’ve ever endured watching this show. But in that one moment, the producers saw what slut potential she had and immediately cast her in this show. She doesn’t disappoint – she takes Chris away to a dark room and makes out with him. They attempt to talk but that was oddly more awkward than anything, so they just decided to start kissing.

Blakeley somehow, misread the instructions from Smitty, and thought that by partnering with Chris it means she is sexually, emotionally and physically tied to him for the durationo of the show. Umm, Blakes? Please stop making us oldies look so fucking desperate and crazy. You’re his partner in a GAME, but he’s allowed to kiss other bitches. You haven’t even kissed him, right? What a crazy. Also, Jamie needs to tone down the makeup STAT. Yikes.


Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony 

Apparently, the boys are voting for Erica or Paige. It seems to be split down the middle. David, the super fan, tells Erica to her face that he’s going to vote for her. I don’t know why he thinks his honesty is so cool – he’s an idiot. She cries for a bit, and then confronts him at the pool, which is probably the best part of this episode. She says something like, “You’re ugly and a loser. You call yourself a fan, that’s pathetic.” I agree it’s pathetic to call yourself a fan, but I’m not above it. I’m a fan. However, I’m not SUCH a fan that I’d be willing to risk the health of my vagina to go on this show as a super fan and catch every STD under the sun. So she’s right he’s pathetic. However, she’s just as pathetic for thinking she’s a celebrity of sorts. She says to him, “You’d never be on the regular show.” Again, like being on the regular show is such an honor? Like only the best and coolest are on the show? Umm, no Erica. Look around you, sister. I’m not saying all the contestants are horrible people, but I also wouldn’t say they only pick the cleanest and most beautiful, right?

So the girls are voting off SWAT Chris for obvious reasons – he’s a little weird, none of the girls want to bang him and he’s a super fan. The house has divided itself between super fan and alumni. The guys are debating between Paige and Erica, with all the guys lying about who they plan to vote off, so it’s difficult to keep track of who is doing what and why. Also, I don’t really care.

In the end, SWAT Chris is going home who expresses sadness in the limo because he really wanted to go on the show to start a relationship. I mean, seriously? For being a super fan, he should realize that’s not a great plan. Also, he’s gay too. My friend: “Fuck, this show has more gay men on it then Project Runway.”

Paige is sent home for the girls. I’d rather have her there than Erica, but I’d say on the grand scale of things, it’s certainly not something I’m going to lose sleep over. God, I miss Jef.

17 comments:

  1. Your comments about Kalon and Chris "Swat" were f***ing hilarious! Love your blog!

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  2. I just can't stand the last half hour of this show where everyone tries to convince everyone else to keep/kick off so and so. It drives me bananas and its the same bs every time, except the names are changed.

    Now the twins - I agree, a new low for this franchise. We all know what ABC is trying to imply here, shudder, so gross its unmentionable!

    Does anyone else think that the crazy is manufactured? I find it very hard to believe Blakeley really is so bent out of shape over Chris-Jamie after such a short time and over NOTHING.

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  3. Best recap ever! I laughed the whole way through this one. Glad to know someone else finds Jaclyn so ugly! I was starting to think I was the only one! Best part was the Paris Hilton comment. Thanks for the laughs. Look forward to your recaps every week!

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  4. Did you notice how Smitty's eyes lit up when Paige walked out of the limo? I think he was salivating.

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  5. Kalon smiling in the mirror to himself in his underwear was indeed the scariest thing I have ever seen. Creeper.

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  6. When they showed Swat dude sitting on his couch watching the show in those PJ's, I about died. WOW.
    Thanks for the laughs! Again :)

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  7. Jamie LaFountainJuly 24, 2012 at 6:35 PM

    This is officially the BEST blog I have EVER read! I am an instant fan!!!

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  8. "God, I miss Jef." Haha well said!

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  9. Gee whiz Jen I wish you'd speak your mind once in a while. So do you like the twins or not?

    Remind me to never piss you off!!!

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  10. Kalon is American Psycho. This show is so tragic that I think I almost started to like him. I have so much to say, but I'm a couple years older than Blakely and so my old ass is too tired to say it. Thanks for taking one for the team and blogging in Tahoe.

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  11. Jen this is the BEST recap ever!!
    Jaclyn looking like Paris Hilton after getting hit with a frying pan. Good Lord! Your friend is fabulous! Laughed out loud at work over that one. In fact, laughed all the way through. Ed Swiderski makes me embarrassed for all of Chicago.
    Isn't it great that Erica Rose graduated from law school and she's directing her energies into this piece of crapola??!! hahahaha

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  12. I miss Jef too, God I'm pathetic...I'm only watching this show for you Jen, you do know this?!!
    I was thinking:

    Patrick Bateman=Kalon

    Gary Sinise + American Bald Eagle=Chris B.

    Frying pan smashed Paris Hilton+ Picasso=Jacquelin

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  13. Just found your blog and I love it! This will be my new go-to blog for Bachelor recaps!

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  14. My 13 year old daughter swears the Skank Twins were on Season 3 of Jersey Shore...she said they had the same names and one was a virgin and one was...not. I know, my 13 y.o. shouldn't be watching the likes of Jersey Shores ('specially if those skanks are on it) but her mom watches Bachelor Pad, so what do you expect?

    SWAT Chris on the couch in his PJs only needed a Snuggie on to make the hilarity complete.

    Great recap as always Jenn!

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  15. The twins are from the Jersey Shore season that was filmed in Italy. One of them slept with Mike (The Situation) and the other hooked up with Deena in a lesbiana love fest. So their slutiness crosses oceans apparently.

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  16. Yikes, you are Angry Spice. i agree with a lot of your general opinions but I agree with Matt. I wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley! lol I thought jaclyn was absolutely revolting. Chris from Emily's season is pathetic, awkward, and soo unattractive. The twins were so ridiculous that I couldn't even take them seriously--- thus, they're harmless. same with Erica Rose....honestly she doesn't even bother me because I feel like she's acting. i can't wait to watch this train wreck again next week!

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  17. So what flavor of gum would the doubleskank twins be? I am thinking Yeast.

    ~cp

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