Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette Recap - What's worse? Arie's shine or Sean's Toms?

Do you feel like there’s finally a light at the end of the tunnel? Two more weeks, peeps. Two more weeks. Of course, that brings us to Herpes Bachelor Pad, but I need a Jef break. He’s consuming my thoughts. And my marriage.

We’re down to three dudes this week: Sean (hot, too much muscle, not much interesting stuff going on behind those eyes), Jef (don’t even get me started…he’s the Chosen one), and Arie (cute, fun, but overly shiny and a bit of a molester-type vibe. Also, can she really drink from the racecar-driver-well twice? Actually three times, because apparently she dated Dale Earnhardt Jr. before. I digress)

They head to Curacao and Emily tells us how hard this week will be for her because she feels so strongly about them all. Translation: She feels really strongly for Jef and Arie, and feels super bad about dumping Sean. She gives us a rundown of each guy:

Sean – “He’s what I want in a husband. He’d always be there for me. It’s deeper than just having butterflies for a guy.” Translation: He is a perfect guy on paper and I want to shoot myself for not having any feelings for him whatsoever. Also “deeper than just having butterflies” means, “I don’t have any butterflies.” As a final note, despite all my blabber about Jef and that I actually might bang him if given the chance, I love my husband – and I don’t get butterflies anymore. He leaves the door open when he shits, for fucks’ sake. Butterflies go away when you’re married. Except if you’re Kevin Bacon’s wife who claims she still gets butterflies, which means she’s a liar. Jesus, is it tangent day? Chill out, Jen.

Jef – “He’s his own person and marches to his own drum completely.” Yikes. This worries me for Jef. When you set out to find a husband, your list doesn’t look like this: 1) Funny 2) Loving 3) Loyal 4) Marches to his own drum. Anyway, she says he makes her laugh, which is KEY…this is why all of a sudden I think she picks him in the end. Because of that, and that damn letter.

Arie – “There’s a youthfulness about him.” Huh? Why is that good? So he’ll sleep in until noon like an 18-year old and forget his car payments? Youthfulness is super fun in a husband. (?) She also starts weeping a bit saying if she was with him, he’d love her forever. Why are we crying, Em? Cause you’re planning on dumping him? Also of note: Jef is the only one who she talks about how she FEELS about HIM, instead of his husband qualifications.

Before her three dates this week, Emily vows to make the most of her time with each guy. Translation: hump their brains out, but not on camera so Ricki doesn’t know.

Side note: Wouldn’t it be fun if I followed Emily around in real life as her translator? For everything she said, I would pop my head over her shoulder and translate what her polite Southern-lady ways were really trying to say. Emily: “Yes, I’d like a refill of iced tea while I wait for my lunch. Thank you.” Jen: “She wants her fucking salad. Hurry the fuck up!”

Sean Date 

They take a helicopter to a private island…and they sit there. Awkward-city. He’s gotten by his whole life on being hot and nice, so he’s never had to be mister funny or mister charming. They talk about the family visit and Emily says his sister told her that Sean treated his ex-girlfriends like buddies. Ummm, why would uncool sister say that to a chick he’s trying to woo? (Woo=best word ever) Sean explains that it was just the last girlfriend who super loved him, but he didn’t love her back, so he never held her hand, etc. Here’s what I think: Sean is hot, super sweet and kind and has a great family. But a good heartbreak for this guy might do him wonders. He’s probably never been dumped before. You don’t really know about relationships until you get hurt. How does one know what love is until your super mean ex-boyfriend calls you a cunt in front of your sorority sisters at a frat party and then dumps YOU the next day and dates a girl with flowing blond hair who will drive you crazy with jealousy for the next ten months? Not that I’m speaking from personal experience.

They decide the silence is too painful and go snorkeling, which seems impossible with Emily’s requirement to plug her nose when jumping into bodies of water, no?

After a day of talking and snorkeling (aka sitting in silence and walking in water), they head to dinner and some chill time by the fire. I actually have no idea if there was a fire. There usually is. Anyway, Sean reads Emily a letter that he wrote as if he’s Ricki’s dad? I’m confused. Also, he has girly handwriting. I think he was hired by the producers to write the fantasy suite cards as well.

The note says he’d never replace her dad and he’d love her forever or something, I don’t know, I’m not listening. I know Sean is over-confident, though. “This is going to mean a lot to her.” And “My life is going to change drastically and I’m excited for that.” See? That’s what happens when everything always works out for you. You don’t even comprehend the idea of her NOT choosing you.

He reads the fantasy suite card and Em Dawg doesn’t hesitate to say yes. They head back and Sean is stoked because 1) He thinks he’s getting his dick wet, let’s be honest, and 2) He says, “I’m really excited about tonight, because its just me and her. There are no distractions. That’s how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives.” Ummmmmmm does the word RICKI mean anything to you? No distractions? Hello? Kids are the biggest distractions of all! My daughter stands with me when I shit because she doesn’t want to leave my side. You think you guys will have six seconds of privacy ever again? Wrong! It’s parenthood and it’s a marriage killer, deal with it. (kiiiiidding)

Anyway, she boots him out of the fantasy suite in hopes of setting a good example for the Rickster. You’re on the Bachelorette, girlfriend. Your cover is blown, no? Maybe she was just turned off by his Toms. Or, as my friend texted, Emily is probably just on the rag.


Jef Date 

They head out on a pirate ship of some sort. I don’t know, I’d just be pissed it’s not a yacht. There’s a lot of talk between them about “getting” each other. She gets me, I get her, etc. There’s also a lot of talk about the Rickmeister. He’s worried. He digs this chick but it’s almost as if Jef JUST realized he’ll have Rickibomb around his ass 24 hours a day. Sure, she might be a good kid, but that’s different than meeting someone and THEN introducing chaos into your house together. Jef is smart to at least be thinking about it. But again, he could do no wrong in my book. Even when he says “It’s time to bridle our passions”. If anyone else said that I’d be ripping him a new one, but with Jef it sounds sophisticated.

Also, I want to hump him.

They have a fun day jumping off boats and things and guess what?

Em still hasn’t figured out the “blow out your nose really hard when you hit the water” trick. Seriously, just blow out. Stop plugging your nose. FUCK, it’s driving me nuts. My 4-year olds jump off diving boards and don’t plug their noses. How have THEY figured it out, but Em hasn’t? She doesn’t really scream athleticism. It’s OK – she’s hot. I’ve said it before, that’s God’s way of equaling things out. You can’t have it all. Me? I’m funny and have great feet, but I don’t look like Emily and when I bend over forward, my stomach looks like something out of a fucking horror movie (Thanks, twins!)

 This makes me want to stab my eyes out with jealousy.

They chat at dinner and Jef asks her why her past relationships haven’t worked out, and if he’d be a good fit for Ricki and where she wants to live. It’s all very sweet and normal. But I can tell he’s worried about the Rickinator.

When she gives him the fantasy suite card, he tells her that he’d respect her decision not to go, because he understands how Ricki is watching (please don’t say she’s watching), and their families would see it (Mormon parents) and it’s OK because pretty soon they’ll be spending every night in their own fantasy suite (Me = jealous).

They go hang out for awhile in the fantasy suite and make out. But their passions were bridled, don’t worry. (My passion for Jef? Not bridled)

Pan to my living room:

Jen: (yelling out of the room) “Rob? Did we ever have unbridled passion?”
Rob: “I’m taking a shit, I’ll be right there.”
Jen: “Sounds good! Woo, that Indian food didn’t treat you right, huh? Shit stinks!”
Rob: “No kidding. I feel like there’s a hot spike in my ass. Anyway, what did you ask me?”
Jen: “Nothing. Question answered.”

Arie Date 

This date is 95% making out, 2% talking and 3% being scared off by dolphins. (FYI – His kisses are still very slow, slobbery and graphic)

They head out on a boat too, but this is more “catamaran-like” than “pirate ship-like”. They put on some snorkel gear, which Emily struggles to use, and they go swimming with dolphins in the ocean. She is, not surprisingly, freaking out and Arie is holding her, while treading water, which might feel like someone is drowning you, no? Get the fuck off me. Emily realizes now that Arie would make a good dad. Wait, what? I think she meant to say “good lifeguard”.

They make out on the boat for a bit, where they attempt to stop and speak every now and then, probably because the producers are yelling at them, “Umm guys? Guys? You need to talk a little. It’s a TV show?”

He tells her that he thinks she saves the good dates for him and she says with excitement, “Yeah, like Dollywood!” To which he replies, “Riiiiight, I forgot. Dollywood. Mmm hmm. That was…yeah, awesome. Right.”

At dinner, I have to admit, Arie does a decent job of finally taking his tongue out of her throat for a minute and sounding like a normal, mature adult. Well, until he tells Emily he wakes up at 9am and goes out to dinner every night. But Emily tells him that she wants someone to come in and love Ricki like she’s his own. Really? I would never expect a guy who hasn’t met my kids before to love them like they were his own? I would actually settle for “I hope you don’t want to kill them cause they can be little assholes sometimes.” Arie agrees with me and tries to set her straight saying it’s probably more like a slow progression - he needs to first be Ricki’s friend and win her over a bit and love will grow from there. Makes sense to me.

They blab on a little bit more about how they dig each other. Emily says that she always looks for him and he’s always been the light at the end of the tunnel for her. Even when she picks up other guys for dates, she’d always look for him. This doesn’t sound good for my Jeffy…

She decides not to give him the fantasy suite card because she “doesn’t trust herself” that she’ll be able to keep her throbbing loins off of him. Really? But he’s so shiny.

I know one dude who is not pleased with this season’s fantasy suite episode. Smitty. Cause he can’t hide under the bed and masturbate like other seasons. (This is a long-standing hypothesis of mine).

Rose Ceremony 

Let’s get this out of the way. What the fuck is she wearing? Her boobs look ginormous, by the way. But that outfit? My friend says it best: “Is her skirt supposed to be like shells? So stupid and heavy and hot. Almost as stupid as the Swarovski bird.”

Emily spends a good hour crying to Chris Harrison about the rose ceremony. She’s not torn about her decision – she knows Sean is getting the boot, but just feels really bad about it. He is a nice guy, and his Dad was a saint, so she feels bad. I get that, I would too. Emily might plug her nose when jumping in water, but I think she’s still a nice person. So yeah, that would blow.

Smitty is grilling her a bit since she’s not admitting too much. She says, “I just feel really bad” and he says “I’m sorry” and she says “It’s Ok” and he says, “I know, but it sucks.” Which is why I love Smitty for keeping it real. Maybe Smitty is more my type than Jef…and by “my type” I mean, “Older and divorced and more down to bang me even with my fucked up stomach”. It looks normal again when I lie down. Smitty? You interested?

Emily then watches painfully awkward video messages, with each promising to love her forever blah blah blah. I admit, I’m jealous. This chick is STOKED.

At the rose ceremony, she tells the guys that she can see her fairy tale ending but with any one of the three guys left! Good move, I’m sure they LOVED hearing that. She then gives a rose to Jef, and one to Arie, sending Sean home.

I have to admit, it was fun to watch because for once I had no idea who she was going to send home. I certainly didn’t think she had a whole lot of chemistry with Sean, but they edit these damn things in ways to confuse us sometimes, so I was worried poor Jef wouldn’t make the cut. But he did…it’s down to him and Arie. I’m not sure what she’ll do. She seems to have more love for Jef, but more physical attraction to Arie. I worry Jef might be too much of a world traveler for her, because in reality she just wants to be a soccer mom. Arie might be too much of a kid though and not ready for this parent-action. Also, I’m sad I’ve put this so much goddamn thought into this.

Back to Sean’s departure…Sean is shocked and Emily does very little to explain herself. She sits in silence for a bit…and then tells him that she wanted it to be him so badly. Uhh, thanks? But he was a gentleman. In the limo, he said, “I pictured myself with her and the big family that she wanted. I had a beautiful picture of what my life was going to look like and now it’s gone.” Ouch. Also, meet your next Bachelor, America.

Next week is Men Tell All and then the finale airs on SUNDAY, JULY 22nd, not Monday, just FYI. See you next week, friends.


  1. Can't. Stop. Laughing. You had me at your daughter standing with you in the bathroom and your self-deprecating body comments.

    One thing bugs me though... she pretty much MADE Sean tell her he loved her...then she lit up, like WINNING! THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR FROM YOU BEFORE I DUMP YOU!

    thanks for the laugh at my desk...

  2. So you totally nailed the handwriting thing- hubs and I were watching it and he said "He writes like a girl!" and then the other thing he said that was so funny (cuz I love getting a guy's point of view on the whole thing...) was "Aluminum Foil pants is about to give out the roses! Hurry yo'ass back in here wife!" (I needed more wine to get through the entire show...)

    I don't understand her thing for Arie at all, except that maybe it will be easier at the end to turn him down vs. Sean?

    And yeah, meet your new Bachelor America... Sean it is. I wonder if he'll turn into an Evil Jake type? Now THAT would be some good TV.

    Thanks for the giggles today girlfriend.

    OH and PS, the finale? On my 40th birthday. Totally pissed this might get roped into my big day, only because I'm the idiot that feels she has to watch it.

  3. this is the funniest blog ever. COCKBLOCKED. i'm dying!

    are you calling chris harrison "smitty" because he looks like michael w smith?

  4. Did anyone else notice Chris wasn't wearing his wedding ring? He had probably just gone through the split with his wife. :( I was trying to imagine what was going through his head as Emily was crying over which man she was going to send home. Smitty for Bachelor!

  5. Ok so I heard that the new Bachelor is going to be Roberto from Ali's season, am I wrong? Oh and did you notice that they didn't show any of the proposal in the previews of the finale? They showed her Dad? saying it was impossible for her to be 'in love' with 2 guys at the same time and her Mom saying that maybe she shouldn't accept a proposal at this time because of that....
    Guess the producers might be trying to make us crazy?

  6. Jen, this was my favourite blog post! I LOL'd many times.

    I noticed that Sean's writing looked suspiciously like the date card writing and made a mental note to compare it to the fantasy suite invite card that is supposedly written by Smitty. I was disappointed to see that there was a difference. One of the PA's did NOT write Sean's letter, therefore he DOES have girly writing.

    I am surprised she sent him home. I felt the awkwardness of their date but I thought Arie's mom freaked her out enough to get him eliminated but she is clearly VERY hot for him, enough to make her forget about mom's ass.

    Did anyone else notice Smitty trying to hold back tears while he was talking to Em? OOOOOOooooh, juicy rumour if they are dating, and I am sure he would be all for it. Me senses a crush and didn't his wife file for divorce while they were filming this season?

    I am betting on Arie winning this one, and if Roberto is not next Batch, it will surely be Sean. Em obviously is really into the whole racing lifestyle. They are making it look like she doesn't pick any of them but I don't buy it.

    Anyone catch Arie's bloopers at the end? Yeah, like he's totally serious about his feelings for her (insert eye roll here).


  7. Jen, how do you know what I’m thinking when I watch this ridiculous show!!??

    Your translations are totally accurate and had me laughing out loud, which is just one more reason why my husband thinks I’m not quite right in the head. But then again, he didn’t read your “She wants her fucking salad. Hurry the fuck up!” translation, which I found delightfully funny.

    I’m with you all the way on the boring Sean date AND his girly handwriting. What’s up with that? All that was missing was a heart to dot the Is. And he totally was the first guy in history to get cockblocked by a girl who gave him a key to her sex suite, so excellent photo caption, woman!

    It’s sweet that Emily doesn’t want to look like a ho-bag in front of Ricki by not bumping uglies in the fantasy suite. But when Jef turned her down first, I actually wanted her to laugh at him and say, “You’re a pussy. Hit this shit or get out of my face.”

    And ohmigod, WHAT was with Em’s huge boobs? And Arie’s shiny rosacea face? Just one more reason I do not understand Em’s loin throbbing attraction to him.

    Oh, and you ought to treat yourself to a solo shit once in a while. You deserve it.

  8. Your recap was hilarious! I love Jef too. I feel you with the passionless marriage. I think those who still have a little of that left do not have multiples.

    I have twins too. They're 2 1/2 now, identical girls. I have quite a few battle scars from carrying them plus my humongous singleton for 41 1/2 weeks. Third surgery (hopefully the last) coming up in September.

  9. I just discovered your blog today and it is hilarious! Thank you so much for writing something that literally made me laugh so hard I cried. I dropped what I was planning to do and went immediately and read all of the column's for this season-having a clean kitchen was really not that important anyway. I also share you immense love of Jef to the point of a personal detriment. I am justifying this obsession because he does remind me exactly of my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend cannot seem to get his hair to do that (I tried) and I finally convinced him to wear less skinny jeans (I had to protect his future baby making powers). Thanks agin and I look forward to reading.

  10. I just discovered your blog today and it is hilarious! Thank you so much for writing something that literally made me laugh so hard I cried. I dropped what I was planning to do and went immediately and read all of the column's for this season-having a clean kitchen was really not that important anyway. I also share you immense love of Jef to the point of a personal detriment. I am justifying this obsession because he does remind me exactly of my boyfriend. However, my boyfriend cannot seem to get his hair to do that (I tried) and I finally convinced him to wear less skinny jeans (I had to protect his future baby making powers). T

  11. Jen -
    I, and my mother, who only watches this show so that she and I can enjoy the hell out of your blog the next day, are gonna miss you!

    This might have been one of your best ever!

    FYI - Alberto from Ally's season has been announced as the next bachelor.


  12. Jen -
    I, and my mother, who only watches this show so that she and I can enjoy the hell out of your blog the next day, are gonna miss you!

    This might have been one of your best ever!

    FYI - Alberto from Ally's season has been announced as the next bachelor.


  13. Re: Emily's outfit. I think Arie's mom gave her the skirt! She wrote a blog post on People.com that she and Arie's parents warmed up to each other, and his mom even gave her a skirt off camera. And she said "watch for me wearing it next episode!"

    That sequined atrocity was the only skirt she wore last episode, so I think she must be trying to please her possible mother-in-law to be.

  14. I think I love you. ;) This blog has made watching The Bachelorette (which I couldn't stop doing if I tried) so much better. In fact, when my 4-year-old's stomach flu hit last night right in the middle of the episode I was mostly bummed because I would have to wait until tonight to read your recap (also, the whole cleaning-up-puke thing tends to be a bummer, but still. Isn't that what husbands are for, anyway?)

    I'm totally Team Arie, but I cringe when he gets so shiny--it's TV for pete's sake, why do they let that happen to him?? Are we supposed to believe that Emily doesn't sweat?? She isn't shiny at all. Give a guy a few swipes of powder, for crying out loud.

    Sadly, the finale falls right on the night that I am supposed to be at some in-law cousin's wedding. I am seriously considering skipping the wedding to "take care of the kids" (who aren't invited), but then just watch the Bachelorette. Would that be so wrong?

    Thanks for the laughs!

  15. Also...just re-read since i read this quickly while scarfing down my lunch at the office.... I freaking love how you say what many of us are thinking...down to the part about Arie drowning Emily. I said the same thing last night to my husband when we were watching it "Get the eff off me!" ( note...that was about Emily and Arie, not my husband with me on the couch. Maybe.)

  16. I thought I read somewhere that her sequined tank top dress cost around $900. That was one of the ugliest outfits she has ever worn, and she has made some bad fashion choices this season.

  17. I think she didn't choose Sean because he has less body hair then her... he is a sweet guy but not exciting enough for some

  18. Ok again love your view of this whole mess. I just want to put this out there that I thought of this first because I just watched jay Leno and he started talking about Emily really liking chris the host of the show. I already said that people!!!!!

  19. I didn't get to read this until today, but I would like to add: WHAT'S UP WITH THAT FAKE PONYTAIL EMILY KEEPS WEARING? That thing is hideous.

  20. I love you and your recaps, Jen. Thanks for making me laugh.

  21. Jen - check out this Sean Lowe video. Def want him naked on top of me!


  22. As usual I laughed out loud several times! This drew the husband in to see what I was reading. He then asked why Chris is called Smitty and why does he masturbate under the bed.
    I'm glad you just made a comment about that cause I couldn't remember why you call him Smitty.
    Oh. And I thought of you this week while I was at camp with my kids. Don't hate me and don't write bad things about me on my blog, but I also hold my nose when I jump in the pool. I did that this week and then I laughed cause I thought of you making fun of me. Then children all around looked at me like I was crazy. Anyways. I'm sorry, I have to do it. Please don't hate me, cause I love ya!

  23. From Reality Steve, douchehole, but accurate douchehole, "Mark my words as I confirmed over a month ago, it’s going to be Roberto [as the next Bachelor]".


  24. Next Bachelor from Reality Steve, "I confirmed over a month ago, it’s going to be Roberto". He's usually right on.


  25. hey Jen. fk. great f'in blog. your my bfFf. Will you please write more, maybe do a blog on the upcoming F'g election?