Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Bachelorette "Men Tell All" Recap - I miss Jef.

This show doesn’t need to be two hours. FUCK. Sorry, I get a little ornery by the end of the season. And the thought of blogging a fucking three-hour finale next week and then the Bachelor Pad the next day is almost too much for this gal. But I’m committed, dammit. God that’s pathetic.

Anyhoo, tonight was the Men Tell All episode, which is half-ass entertainment. Of course, Sean is still perfect, Ryan is still arrogant (and tan) and Kalon is still a douche bag. And by the way? That dude is not cute. If he procreated with Emily, the kid would have big teeth.

 "OMG, Becky, Kalon is like, such a loser."

Chris first sits with Emily and chats about “unforgettable moments”. Everything they chat about is discussed AGAIN with the guys, in the studio, so this part is stupid. (See? I told you I’m over this) WAIT! I just realized why I don’t like this episode. Jef isn’t there. Now it makes sense.

The only half interesting part was when we saw “moments the audience didn’t see”, which only confirms some of the earlier shit talking I did this season. For example, Travis really is a massive dork. Your ostrich egg was stupid, but you made Emily sing to it? What part of you thought that would turn her on? I may have sent him home right then and there. At the very least, I would have said, “In all honesty, I’m probably sending you home soon, but on the off-chance I keep you one more week, you need to cut this weird shit out. Stat.”

Arie’s creepy twin brothers hide in the bush to watch them make out. Well, if they weren’t creepy before, that cemented it. I wonder if they masturbate together too. Twins are weird.

For sure, the best parts of this entire episode were the Bachelor Pad previews and sneak peaks. It’s almost as if the Producers can read my mind. They know we’re exhausted over the Emily season and the idea of committing to another six weeks from this franchise is unimaginable. So they need to prove that there will be entertainment. Well, I’m fucking sold. I admit it. I want to see pussy Tony cry about his son while trying to bang chicks. And I want to see psycho Chris, and overly sexed Jamie and cougar Blakeley, etc. I’m mildly annoyed Erica is back again – I like new blood. And Michael coming back again is a bit overdone, but we all like Michael, right? And he gets it on with Rachel who I dig, so that could be fun.

Chris brings the men out next and it’s funny to see some of the early folks who never stood a chance. Poor Joe. Chris recaps some of the guys’ best scenes (Just check it, says Doug). And then we spend some time tearing apart the guys. Ryan is arrogant, Chris gets mad at the smallest stuff (well, duh) and Kalon is just an idiot. Sigh, this is going to be a long two hours.

Side note: Wolf is wearing pink pants. And I dig it.

Kalon in the hot seat 

Kalon sits in the hot seat and I love Smitty so much here. He definitely comes closest to saying what I would say if I was there. With less “fucks” and “douche bags”, but it’s not bad.

He asks Kalon first why he even came on the show since he knew it was Emily and she had a kid. He admits that when he found out it was Emily, it was a huge issue that she had a daughter. Aaaand then he doesn’t really answer the question. I don’t think it’s a secret that he wants to be cool and famous…and he thinks he can bang hotter whores with a little TV exposure. Ladies – If you live in LA and this douche bag propositions you, please say no. You’re worth more that. ANYONE is worth more than this fuck.

Smitty asks him if he thought it was rude to tell Emily to “run along” when she came up to them while they were practicing, during the Shakespeare date. He says, “It’s a unique scenario and some people thrive and some don’t.” Ummm, OK. This is like my husband asking me, “What do you want for dinner, honey?” and me saying, “Turtles are very curious creatures, you know. Also, ambulances are loud.” WTF, right? Not exactly on-topic? Exactly.

Onto the baggage discussion… Kalon called Ricki “baggage” and Emily was outraged. Let’s be honest here. Kalon doesn’t mean that Ricki is a fucking asshole. He means, dating Emily means taking on a whole CHILD, which is a lot. And it is…he’s right. He didn’t want that and other guys were ready for it. That’s honest, and acceptable in my book. Kalon’s problem is that he’s a fucking douche bag about the way he communicates this.

Ryan in the hot seat 

After some recaps of Ryan’s douchebagness during the show, Ryan begins by telling Chris, “I’m very confident in me, but I’m also very confident in who God made me to be.” Again, this is like me saying, “Honey, I’d like a burrito for dinner, but also, I’d love Mexican food, like a burrito.”

Chris tries to yell at him, I think, but he ends up making Ryan look completely normal and he looks more fucking psycho than ever before. I mean, he’s not only immature, but he’s got a bit of a temper problem, no? If I asked Chris what he wanted for dinner, he’d say, “FUCK! I want a fucking burrito, did I not make that clear?!?! FUCK!!!! AHH!”

I’m sliding off course here. Sorry.

Ryan talks about his comment that he made to Emily when discussing her fake future weight gain. If Emily decided to get fat after they were married he said, “Well, I’d still love you, but I probably wouldn’t love ON you as much.” They even flashback to the day in the park and show Emily’s friends horrified at Ryan. Here’s Wendy, who clearly wants to smack Ryan. Also, Wendy is now my new best friend. For reals. She’s awesome and says fuck a lot and we’re going to run away together one day and open up some kind of shit-talking business.

 Wendy + Jen = BFF

OK Back to the “not loving on you as much” comment… Ryan got nailed for saying that, of course. But you know what? This is true fucking fact – true. We all would rather bang hotter people than fat people. Sorry, it’s true. If you’re married, yes, you’d still love your fat wife or husband, but you wouldn’t want to bang them as much. I’m a little fatter than I was when I was 22 and I’d much rather bang 22 year-old Jen than 37-year-old-post-twin-birth Jen. He’s right. HOWEVER, and I mean HOW-FUCKING-EVER: YOU DON’T SAY THAT WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO WIN OVER A CHICK. You don’t throw that out there. You don’t admit it. Ever. We all know it’s true. You lie about it. Keep your mouth shut and lie…THAT is how you win over a woman.

Do I need to re-evaluate my moral code?

Chris in the hot seat 

Newsflash: Besides Chris’ immaturity and rage problem, his biggest issue is a massive lack of self-esteem. He says he’s confident but everything about him just oozes pussy (Ewww, that came out wrong). He just seems like a scared little kid. And if I put down my bitchy blogger attitude for a second, in all honesty, I’d say he seems like a decent guy. He’s just gotta work some shit out and grow up a couple years. He’ll be a real catch in 2018. This is also why you shouldn’t get married in your twenties. Because we’re all fucking crazy in our twenties. I mean, in my twenties I seriously considered becoming a dolphin trainer and I wanted to marry a guy who planned on playing in his cover band and cheating on me the rest of his life. Not okay.

 "I am full of rage watching this clip. I am literally going to turn into the Hulk."

Chris talks to him about how sad he was when Emily dumped him and he said he loved her 110%, blah blah blah and how he’s only really loved one other girl before and that was “young love”. It all makes sense now, right? Who marries the SECOND person they loved? I married the SEVENTH person I loved. And I was fucking heartbroken and pissed six times before that.

Chris asks him, “Do you think you anger easily?" I love Smitty. He’s slowly replacing my love for Jef. OK not really, but maybe a little.

Sean in the hot seat 

The girls are going crazy for him and everything he says is completely sweet and normal. The guy is literally perfect. And it does nothing for me. Like Emily, I apparently appreciate a guy with edge too. This is boring.

Sean watches clips of their time together and says it’s hard to watch and it’s hard to see Emily so emotional. See? Too fucking sweet. You can’t say a bad thing about this guy. There’s no doubt ABC is currently scouring their contract with Roberto as the next Bachelor to see if they can’t squeeze Sean in there instead.

Sean again mentions how he’s never had his heart broken and his Mom tells him that this heartbreak will be good for him in the long run. We all need to have our heart broken. It’s character building. And it teaches you how to deal with disappointment. And it shows you how, mostly, love just blows. KIDDING. But anyway, Sean’s mom and I are totes on the same page! I said that last week! I feel so validated!

Emily in the hot seat 

Emily probably chooses Jef, because let’s face it – you’d be crazy not to….and apparently they’ve been very busy having round-the-clock, very athletic sex these past months, because holy shit this chick is skinny. Wow. And her boobers are huge.

She says hi to the guys, and a special hi to Sean. Smitty asks her if it’s tough to see Sean? I can’t hear her answer because Chris is shouting, “Hey! Hey! What about me?! It’s hard to see me too, right?!?”

She tells Sean she had real feelings for him and Sean thanks her for opening his eyes to love again. Thank god these two didn’t pick each other, or else their conversation would constantly be putting themselves to sleep.

We briefly touch on Doug and the horrible awkward kiss he plants on her while she’s dumping him. I can’t even write about it without being under my sofa. Soooo painful.

Kalon tells her he’s sorry for his behavior but he’s using it as a growing experience. Emily tells him it’s the biggest load of shit she’s ever heard. It’s super endearing when Emily drops swear words. It’s those times I think we could be friends.

Finally, the bloopers, which are all friggin stupid. Emily freaks out about spilling wine on her dress. It’s those times I think we could never be friends.

However, Smitty saves the crappy blooper reel by asking Emily casually how many guys she hopes to sleep with during this whole thing? Without skipping a beat, she answers, “All 25, that would be a success.” It’s those times I think we could be friends.

The previews for the finale make me cry because Jef says, “I feel like we’ll have a love that makes the storybooks jealous.” I got chills. I admit it. I also got the opposite kind of chills when I keep seeing Arie face-grab while kissing Emily. Cut that out. Yucks.

The finale is two hours this coming Sunday – not Monday. After the two-hour finale, there’s a one-hour LIVE “After the Final Rose” special, which is awesome, yes, but three hours is painful. I don’t want to do anything for three hours.

Finally, next Monday is Bachelor Pad. I think one could get an STD from just WATCHING this show, but I’m willing to risk it. Bring it on.


  1. I bet you could lay naked under Jef with one F for 3 hours...though I'm sure you'd rather fuck his brains out! oops, can I say fuck? guess I just did.
    thanks for the postings!

  2. Do you need to re-evaluate your moral code? Hell no. You don't tell a woman you wouldn't bang her as much if she were fat just like you don't tell your kids that you're slightly resentful they made you fat, broke, sexless and spending your Saturday nights watching Disney movies. This is something life teaches you.

    You totally nailed the Seanhasalwaysbeenthedumper thing! As for Sean's perfection, remember how everyone thought Brad was the perfect man and then he turned out to be a raging, angry psycho? (OK maybe I'm being a bit harsh but the point is we learned in the Brad/Emily After the Final Rose show that he wasn't perfect) That's how I see Sean. He's hot but he may have goat heads burried under his front porch. Maybe.

    And is it just me, or is there something slightly, ummmm...... "fabulous" about Arie? Not like he'll be leading the gay parade tomorrow in rainbow spandex twirling a baton and blowing a kazoo, but like in a couple of decades he'll leave his wife, buy Louis Vuitton luggage and move to Palm Springs. Anyone? Do I hear crickets?

  3. Ditto 2nd anonymous about Arie moving to Palm Springs. Last night when they should a clip of him saying hi to Emily I totally thought, "This guy needs some testoterone." Right on!

    Jen, I just started reading your blog and I am in love with your humor and crass-ness (that's a word, right?).

  4. Ditto 2nd anonymous about Arie moving to Palm Springs. Last night when they should a clip of him saying hi to Emily I totally thought, "This guy needs some testoterone." Right on!

    Jen, I just started reading your blog and I am in love with your humor and crass-ness (that's a word, right?).

  5. I don't why Men Tell All is two hours either. They rehash the clips for about an hour if you put it all together. Why would we need to see it all again if we have been watching? Seriously, last night was the most boring one ever, except for the part where Emily told Kalon he was giving her a load of s?&t.

    There is only one reason I will be watching Bachelor Pad and that is REID!!! So glad he decided to do it but part of me thinks its beneath him. Jillian was an idiot to pass him up for Ed. I have a feeling that I'll be saying the same thing about Emily when she passes Jef up for Arie! I hope I'm wrong.

  6. Kalon has Aspergers. That is the only explanation...he has no filter.

  7. Ok. A couple...of thoughts...or more.
    I know you hate this post, but it goes hand in hand with this hateful episode of sir douchy douche and the funky douches.
    1. I hate Chris. His voice is annoying, his face is annoying and somehow how I felt he now had massive new found arrogance, thanks to the upcoming Bachelor Pad. did you catch how he said he never had been in love like that before...then as his maturity was questioned, Emily became the girl that helped him to love again? LIAR! She was he first...for sure. I was so annoyed. Really, I was annoyed...can you tell?

    2. Kalon's flat douchy look is another I am bummed about watching on the pad. He is shiny as well...hmmm.

    3. Highlight. Did I see what I thought in one of the clips for the pad before I dozed off? Why, I could swear I saw psycho blogger Jenna!!!!!! Did you see her or am I dreaming? She makes watching TV uncomfortable, and I love it. Please say she's on it. Yes! Thank god for Blakely. I hate Erika too, but she will bring us major cock block...if there's an upside.

    Anyway. I slept through some...as usual. Thank you for the post- even though it pained you. You complete me.

  8. Wow you have a ton of anon fans. I FUCKING love you. You are brilliant. I would like you to recap my life at my funeral. Done.

  9. You are hysterical!! Any guesses on what Em is having a dilemma with that abc is hinting about???

  10. Bummed. Jenna got cut from BP3 a week before filming. Damn. Thought I saw her.

  11. I knew there was something I forgot to do on Tuesday, and that was read your blog!!! Laughed out loud as usual.
    Methinks there will be some conflict between Ed Swid and Reid on Bach Pad. This trash I gotta see. Read somewhere that Ed is a "local celebrity" in Chicago. Gag. I live in Chicago and that is not saying much about this city.
    Admittedly I scrolled thru Jef's twitter -- several tweets in there about "the most beautiful woman in the world"; asked what his type is, he responds "blonde, southern, loves kids", etc.
    A man would not say that about another man's fiancee.........soooooooo my strong powers of deduction tell me they are a couple.
    Whatcha think?

  12. Jen - I could seriously kiss you. I live in Kansas City and Hearst (our ABC affiliate) is throwing a temper tantrum and won't accept my local cable company's rate increase. All that is to say the jackasses removed ABC from my channels and I can't see the Bachelorette! I'm totally freaking dying over here!! Thanks once again for your awesome udpates - I know they are a pain in the ass but without you, I would seriously be lost. And right at the freakin' end!

  13. Jen- I freaking love you. I live in Kansas City and Hearst (my local ABC affiliate) is in a pissing contest with my cable company over a rate increase. So they pulled the damn ABC channels, thus blocking me from the Bachelorette! AHH! I'm so freakin' pissed. Without you, I would be lost. Don't forget to post pics of Jef with one f winning Emily's heart this weekend, since I won't be able to see it. Bastards. Thanks for all you do!

  14. I totally sat at work yesterday refreshing your blog because ahmahgawd this week was boring (mostly - Em telling Kalon she hopes he finds something more than his Prada shoes and rented helicopter made me snort at my desk) and I neeeeded you. I'm pretty sure this recap is the only thing that made that torture worth watching. I skipped pretty much all of Chris because it was too much squinty bullshittery for me. There should never, ever be an other episode of anything without Jef, is what this week teaches us. Mmmm Jef. Sean's dimples will do in a pinch but I imagine even the sex would be very Sean. Nice, enjoyable, but you wouldn't scream from the mountaintops.

  15. No dudes got sent home crying so this episode already had an uphill climb. It didn't quite get there as I fell asleep by the end. I guess Doug (who became suspiciously femme to me on his last week there) said it best -but how many times do we have to [watch] the same conversation over and over?

    I agree, not enough Jef. However cute he is though they really need to stop with the head shots only because much of the beauty of him is how he fills out a pair of pants yowza. The only update to my hottiie 6th grader analysis is that I didn't stare at dude's crotches in 6th grade like I stare at Jef's. He is youthful and fun and I want him for my eternal boyfriend.

    It's getting me hot and bothered to think he is reading this so Jef if you ever get tired of hot blondes with perfect manners and want to round out your rebel credentials there's a spicy little brunette cougar here who'd love to play house with you - just for little while. I even come with references the mormon dudes love me (wellll maybe not your brother but he doesn't have to know I am goooood at keeping secrets).

    Cant wait for the finale and for your after-blog Jen!

    Christina P.

  16. Jen you totally nailed it, as usual, especially with Sean. I bow to your wisdom and expertise - I said he would win the penis contest and there wasn't even a contest to win!

    I've only watched 2 or 3 seasons and none recently until this season, but I've noticed guys who are the rebound don't last long - women detect them right away and they are gone. Sean wasn't really on the rebound, but he's never had to take a risk and go out of his comfort zone before - so he's "perfect" (hate that word it's such bullshit) but boring.

    I think Doug may be in the same boat. He was utterly clueless, obviously, but he made some comment about "ladies will let him know when they want a kiss from Doug". So apart from not having been on a date this century, I wonder if his exes all came on to him and made it too easy for him - i.e. no risk taking for Doug either.

    If you get me to watch Bachelor Pad I will make you my personal Goddess. I couldn't even watch that crap when Melissa Rycroft hosted it and I could watch her do just about anything - you have Jef and I have Rycroft. Speaking of her, what is the deal with single dad's from Seattle? Don't need to say any more about Doug, but any moron who dumps Melissa Rycroft should have to spend eternity as Kalon's roommate. Good Lord!

    I'm also not sure Emily is ready for marriage - I think she still has a few itches to scratch - namely a certain shiny racecar driver named Arie. She trusts herself with Sean but not with Arie - wtf? Imho she needs to shag the hell out of him and then pick Jef, date Jef for a while and if that works out great - if not she needs to keep Sean's # on speed dial.

  17. Jef's endearing comments are apparently plagiarized. Several from e cards and the letter, etc from someone's wedding vows.
    From another blog--(the video is on youtube.
    Remember you thought that Jef’s letter to Emily read like wedding vows? That’s because they ARE wedding vows…from the vows that Jason Evigan, spoke to his bride, Victoria, at their wedding. His vows start at the 12-minute mark.

    He’s a songwriter, and Jef’s sis-in-law(?) posted this video to her own blog back in Feb this year. Jef’s letter isn’t an exact copy, but it is heavily influenced by these vows, tailored here and there to suit Jef’s circumstances & Jef-Em’s story. I’d call it an 80% copy.

    Also, go to the 14.40-minute mark, where the bride is saying her vows to the groom…. Did you wonder where Jef’s statement last night in the previews from next week come from? That’s right, verbatim: “We have a love that makes the storybooks jealous.”

    Whenever I hear Jef say anything interesting nowadays, the first thing that comes to mind is “I wonder where he got that from?”

  18. Jen curious what you think of Smitty as the next bachelor ....

  19. Regarding Jef's letter it didn't move me like it did otherssound it soundedis canned so me so I am not surprised. Most men are terribly bad at expressing emotion (barring artists) so in an odd way this assures me of his maleness. As long as his sense of humor is his own. BUT it makes me wonder what Emily thinks about it.


  20. Jen, I wish I could have something awesome to say here, but all I can think of is this: you are THE most ridiculously hilarious blogger I've ever read. I wish I could be half as funny as you are. Keep up the kickass work!

  21. Whoa sorry about my illegible comment. Auto. Text. Sux.