Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachlorette Finale Recap - Two hours and twenty minutes too long

What do you think, peeps? Good ending? I think most of us preferred Jef, right? As much as I loved him and wanted him for myself, I’m glad Emily picked him. If you really love someone, you set him free – isn’t that the saying? Go Jef, be with her. If it’s meant to be, you will find me.

Anyhoo, this week is a red-letter week because it marks the first time this season that I watched this show WITH someone. At home, my husband wants no part of this shit, but I’m on vacation in Lake Tahoe with one of my very best friends. I was dismayed to hear she doesn’t watch this show. I mean, how are we friends? I began to doubt everything. Maybe we’d have to cut the vacation short? Alas, she vowed to watch the entire three hours with me, which perhaps means she’s the best friend of all. That is a LOT to ask of someone who doesn’t watch the show. Well, it turned out, she was by far the most entertaining part of my night. She has a lot of anger and disgust for this crap and was pretty blown away so her comments were amazing. I asked if I could incorporate them into my blog post today and take credit for them…She said yes, but that doesn’t feel right. So when she has a gem for you, I’m quoting her directly. Brace yourself. So let’s get started.

They’re in Curacao and Ricki is there… with a fanny pack.

My friend: “How old is Ricki? Because that is not a 6-year-old body.”

Meet the Maynards 

Emily tells us she is in love with two guys and also, she is very bronzed. Her family is there to meet the guys and give her their opinions. Her Dad seems normal and very Dad-like. Her mother, Suzy, will look like Magda from “There’s Something About Mary” in about 10 years. And her brother turns out to be sweet, but he is scary as fuck out of the gate.

So Jef meets the family first and does a bang-up job. Suzy grills him but he answers in his poetic way and once again, I find myself wanting him to be naked on top of me. I get the feeling Suzy does too. He ends it with, “I want to marry her and love her forever.” Sigh…Her brother takes Jef away next and his face says, “I’m going to fucking kill this dude.” And he opens with, “Ricky (big Ricky) was perfect and nobody has ever lived up to him or given her what he did.” Well, okaaaaaay then, thanks. But then out of nowhere, he loves him. Jef talks to Pops next and asks for his approval if he proposes to Emily, and of course, Dad agrees. Everyone looooves Jef.

Arie is up next and he is very, very bronzey as well. And right away, he’s sweaty as balls. It’s extreeeeemely painful and awkward at first and my friend is confused as to why I’m trying to lift up the sofa in our condo to climb under it.

It starts to get a little better and Arie presents them with a gift: a box of all the roses Emily has given him throughout the show. “It symbolizes all the memories”, he says. They look genuinely touched.

My friend: “Thanks for the dead roses, Arie. In one box. We will…share them…somehow. Thank you.”

Magda talks to Arie and oddly, this crazy bird is totally growing on me. And she loves Arie too. And scary brother Ernie also digs Arie. He says he’s at a loss of what to tell his sister because he loves them both. Dad loves Arie. Shit, even I love Arie right now.

After they’re both gone, Emily asks her family’s advice and I’m sure they would agree with this: They are by far the least opinionated, least helpful family in the history of this show. It must be the Southern classy thing again. Nobody has the balls to speak up. Doesn’t even the sister-in-law want to say, “Well, that Arie guy IS a little sweaty.”

Finally, Magda and Pops say that it’s probably not realistic that she’s in love with two guys and Magda tells her maybe it’s wise to hold off on getting engaged. Emily and her uterus don’t like this rational voice-of-reason. She needs an engagement and baby STAT.

Back to the studio audience. I’m not enjoying this audience-participation thing. Just play the finale and then the special afterwards. Leave the dickwad audience out of it. And they are a bunch of dickwads… It’s fun to watch the two or three guys there – they are not happy.

Back to the show. We see Ricki frolicking with Emily again, as she gets ready for her date with Jef.

My friend: “Does Ricki have a disease or something?” (I look at her with wide eyes that say, “holy shit, did you just fucking say that? Brutal.”) She says, “No, no, the fanny pack. Why the fanny pack? Is she carrying insulin or something?” This makes me laugh.

Jef Date 

Jef and Emily meet on the beach for their last date. He asks how she is and she says that she’s stressed. He asks what is she stressed about?

My friend: “Are my teeth white enough?”

Jef admits there is still some doubt because he still hasn’t met Ricki. So it doesn’t take long for her to tell him that they’re going to play with Ricki today. Right then, I know how this finale will end. Emily would get too much shit from the crazies out there if she introduced Ricki to both men. Emily is too pious to do that, too. God, I’m good at this show. It’s so pathetic.

My friend: “Wow, her chomps are terrifying.”

They head over to the house she’s staying at, with Ricki, and they meet her and play in the pool. Jef is pretty cute and does a good job winning over Ricki and her fanny pack. I might add here that Ricki is much more comfortable in bodies of water than Emily. She does flips and doesn’t even plug her nose. Impressive.

Emily says she knows he’d be the best father, and Jef says meeting Ricki was the final piece of the puzzle.

My friend: “They’re just a fucking family right now. Is he going to propose in the pool?”

They hang out later and he gives her a fancy coffee table book about Curacao that he’s graffiti-ed with stick drawings of them. I admit, I sort of dig it. She laughs and laughs. They talk and talk about their “journey” and the places they’re gone to, and I’m squinting to understand them.

My friend: “Are they speaking a fucking foreign language? I can’t understand a goddamn thing. Also, is he a virgin?”

They spend some time perusing the book before he leaves.

My friend: “Why does he have a tattoo of the Sean John logo on his arm?”

This is an impressive observation. She then spends the next 20 minutes online sleuthing his tattoo. Apparently, it’s a tattoo of a word his Dad came up with, combining the names of all his siblings. It DOES use the same Sean John font though.

Chris Visit 

Despite the fact she says she woke up with a sense of peace, she invites Smitty over to chat, because he’s been through so much and knows about this show, etc.

My friend: “Is he a fucking psychologist? What the?”

 She tells Chris that Jef is the one, but immediately starts crying as she talks about Arie. She says she just can’t go on a date with him, knowing what she feels for Jef now. Smitty tells her to be honest with Arie and that he thinks she’s doing the right thing.

Arie "Date

Meanwhile, Arie goes to a creepy old witch lady who forces him to make a love potion with her. Without Emily. Isn’t he concerned as to why he’s alone on this date? He asks the lady, “Umm, do you know where Emily is?” She replies, “Oh no no no, Emily not coming.” Just kidding.

This is all just super dick of the show’s producers, by the way…but it doesn’t shock me with Mike Fleiss at the helm. That guy is smarmy.

Arie says to the Bachelor cam, “This is my last date with Emily!”

My friend: “Yeah, forever.”

He sits on a bench and waits for her, and gives her the happiest hello ever when she gets there. Ugg, this is painful. I might have to dive under the sofa for this one.

He tells Emily he made a cool love potion for her. “Super”, she replies, “I’ll bring this to Jef later.”

My friend (who is doing a modified version of couch-hiding): “ I can’t handle this. I’m going on Pinterest. I can’t watch.”

Emily does a less-than-stellar job of telling him to piss off. I get that it’s super awkward but she definitely fails a little. She keeps saying she has more confidence with her relationship with Jef. Why can’t she just say that she fell deeper in love with Jef? That’s honest and not shocking…I mean, they’re on the fucking Bachelor. It’s not like he doesn’t KNOW there’s another dude. Fuck.

She keeps blabbing on, “I always thought it would be you.” Emily…stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. And then silence. Please say something else. Fuck this is painful.

He gets up to walk away and says, “There’s nothing else to say”, as Emily chases him.

My friend: “This isn’t about getting your needs met, Emily.” I glance at her. She glances at me. “OK I’m going to keep pinning now.”

He is pissed but remains a gentleman (unlike pissy Ben Flajnik’s departure), so I’m glad Arie didn’t turn into a total douche bag.

In the car, he’s just sad, says he feels stupid and naïve, etc. He said that he still believes she’s the love of his life. Fuck, this is sad. I consider getting on Pinterest.

Back to studio audience. Smitty: “That was very sad. It’s clearly affected everyone here in the studio.” Pan to the audience to see a bunch of sad saps. You overhear the producer yelling, “OK people, we’re sad, we’re sad, hold it, hold it….no smiles, please. Hold the sadness. Cry if you can…and CUT!”

All of a sudden we’re interviewing JP and Ashley? What the fuck? Hang on, I get it. Emily jacked the finale by cutting out the entire Arie date, so we needed some filler. Ashley and JP have grown on me, but I could do without Deanna. And she could do without those jeans. Then we talk to Michael, who is fun I suppose, but who the hell is Ashley Spivey?

The Proposal

Back to the show. Emily woke up with so much love, that she and Ricki decided to spend some time writing in their journals. And she still has her insulin fanny pack.

My friend has completely bailed out at this point, by the way. She might be asleep.

Neil Lane definitely gets the short end of this stick. He has a twenty-second appearance and doesn’t get any therapist time, like he previously has. Jef picks out a big ‘ol rock and he’s on his way.

Emily and Jef are both getting ready for the big proposal night. Her dress is hoooorendous. Peach madness. Wow.

My friend (who has reemerged. I think she just needed a five-minute mental break): “Fuck, pageants R Us. Wow.”

They’re playing up some fake drama now about whether Jef will propose or not…and whether Emily will say yes or not. Of course he will. And of course she will. Geesh.

Emily makes it to shanty-town Curacao, the backdrop for this season’s big proposal. I get it – the ocean views are windy and annoying, but really this is the next best thing? It’s an alley in Curacao. And they set up a stage. And Jef walks through a fake shitty gate. I would be willing to bet this does not line up with Emily’s dream proposal.

My friend: “Is this where they make their love blossom? On this shitty set with shitty plants in a shitty alley?”

Jef arrives and Emily tells him that he’s the one. She also tells him that he was the only one to meet Ricki (duh…Jef probably knew he had it in the bag too)

Jef does an amazing job memorizing a pretty good speech. It’s very sweet and he again sounds like a friggin poet. He tells Em-dawg that God puts the right people in our lives when the time is right, and he’s so grateful she didn’t give up on love. He ends with, “If you let me into your life, I’ll never let you feel lonely ever again.” The boy is good.

He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. She waits forever to answer him and finally say yes.

My friend: “They paid her per second. Assholes.”

They play the “Glory of Love” and montage together their “journey”. I begin to tear up and I try really hard to hide it from my friend. But it gets even a tad cheesy for me. Good lord.

There’s been some debate among my friends about why they chose to use this song…I think they used it because it’s awesome. I have a soft spot for Peter Cetera. Another friend thinks the Bachelor franchise is too fucking cheap to spend money for the rights to more popular and current songs. The last argument is that the REAL target audience for this show is 40-year-old desperate housewives and this song is more in our range. I admit, it brought me right back to Ralph Macchio Karate Kid days.

My Friend: “Thank God, that was a long three hours.” I reply, “Umm, that was only two.” Friend: “FUCK!”

After the Final Rose

The After the Final Rose portion was pretty boring, mostly because Jef and Emily are still happy so there is no drama. Emily blabs on about how great Jef is…

My friend: “Her likeness to Jessica Simpson makes me think she’s dumber than she actually is.”

Arie comes out and looks like a sad little girl. He’s pretty sweet and I feel bad for him, but he’s looking a tad pussy-ish. He’s clearly not over her at all. But I am pleased to see they finally found the poor guy some powder.

He tells her that he wishes she was more direct with him and she admits she’s not good at being the bearer of bad news. See? This is boring.

Apparently, he flew to Charlotte after the season ended to see Emily but decided not to go through with it. A mature move, actually. He decided to leave her his journal, which she tells him she didn’t read. I’m about to ditch this show.

Chris asks if he was shocked the day Emily dumped him. He says he was shocked and never thought about other guys. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Hello? She’s on a show where the entire premise is to date 25 dudes. It’s not shocking she met someone else.

My friend has left the room, by the way.

Anyway, not much else interesting with Arie. I’m sure he’ll be pounding chicks down the Nascar circuit so he’s all good.

Jef comes out next and I see he’s gotten a hold of her bronzer. They blab about how wonderful they both are and how much they love each other. I’m so tired. For the love of God, let’s wrap it up. I do notice that Jef looks funny here. It might be nerves, but it might be a little diarrhea. That’s what it looks like – he looks like he might shit his pants any minute and he’s trying to hold it in.

They talk about having secret meetings and hanging out with Ricki. Emily says that Jef was probably exhausted after that weekend with Ricki and he replies, “Um yeah, that was different for me.” Oh shit, he has no clue what he’s gotten himself into.

They rewatch the proposal and Chris asks what took her so long to say yes. It took ten seconds, he says…

My friend: “LIAR! It was 15 seconds because I timed it!” She’s back apparently, and more invested in this show than I thought.

At the next commercial, Chris Harrison tells us he wants to bring our attention to an issue that they care strongly about, here at the Bachelor. It’s about...protecting our oceans. I can honestly say this is the last thing I ever thought would have come out of his mouth. What. The. Fuck. Why do they care about the ocean? Because they’ve been polluting it with sperm for almost a decade?

Back to the show. Jef and Emily tell us they might get married next spring in Charleston, after they take a trip to Africa. They also tell us he’s moving to Charlotte. Interesting. I feel like these two will actually make it. I tell my friend this and she replies, “Well fuck yes. He’s Mormon and she has a kid. And she’s done this show once before and failed. They might be miserable one day but they will never break up.”

Good point, actually. Sorry for the shit recap, but I’m pooped. However, I’m actually excited for Bach Pad tonight…but my friend is not.


  1. "What. The. Fuck. Why do they care about the ocean? Because they’ve been polluting it with sperm for almost a decade?"

    Best line EVER! I almost peed my work....during a conference call.

  2. Some things.

    1. was laughing last night when Emily spoke of plugging her nose while flipping in the water. Thought of you and the "ARRRGH" that probably came out of your mouth.

    2. Glory of Love. Oh for the love of Daniel Larrusso. How f-in cheesy. I fast-forwarded, but was embarrassed because my husband was in the room and I think I lost even more points with him after Peter Cetera kicked in. (PS I am a fan tho).

    3. I loved Arie's exit and her chasing after him...what what...there's nothing more to say... massive uncomfortable moment.

    4. Magda... I was waiting for some mention of the massive amounts of Botox. Holy frozen face. But, I couldn't hate on her family. Makes me feel guilty...and not classy.

    Lastly. I get it now. Jef. I didn't until the episode before this one. At first I referred to him as "Brian Setzer Orchestra" because of his hair... but he oh so grew on me.

    You rock for doing this in Tahoe. THANK YOU! Now get your ass over to Sunnyside and have some cocktails. If I knew where you were right now, I would call in a drink for you.

  3. I was watching this at a friends house and her doorbell rang RIGHT AT THE MOMENT EM WAS TELLING SMITTY THAT SHE WANTED JEF. I have never seen someone so angry in my life ha ha...and she had to force herself to be nice because they were also friends of hers dropping by for a visit unknowingly right in the middle of the most important show finale EVER ;-)

    Wowee..I am so happy if was Jef, as I really thought it would be Arie UNTIL she brought Jef to meet Ricki. If you had half a brain in your head you knew right there and then which way she would go. Good for her, she thought with her head instead of her you know what. See girls? Instant sexual attraction does not make for a great long term partner, methinks she has learned that lesson and I truly believe that whole dating the producer thing took its toll. LOL Jen about all the sperm polluting the oceans!

    They do seem really happy together and I hope they last more than any other couple I've seen on this show.

  4. 1. WTF? was Ricky wearing platform wedge shoes (yellow ones, right after the proposal when she runs in...) why would a little kid be allowed to wear this?? she seemed to have a hard time walking in them too... but i guess you gotta start practicing early if you want to wear stilletos to cave dates like mommy...

    2. The kiss during the proposal has about a meter of space between them... oh so romantic and so much sexual tension.. NOT! There is more sexual tension in Jen's writing about Jef then there was in their proposal kiss....

    3. Emily looked so different yesterday at the 'ATFR'. She looked so much older... maybe she is not 26 after all. Maybe she is a cougar after all, which I guess would explain her attraction to Jef, as he is a hit with us older ladies (ok I am not that old, but older then Emily and Jef so I can still say that)!

    4. Jen - please release this blog a little earlier in the day (may I suggest an all nighter writing session? You can write while you are taking that nightly solo shit - two birds with one stone kind of a deal) - because frankly, I am getting a cramp in my hand every tuesday sitting here eand hitting 'refresh' to see if you have posted your blog already or not - ok, ok I am just kidding (not really...)

    You are awesome and I love your blog - you are the reason I will be watching Bachelor Pad for the first time ever -- wait untill my husband finds out - he is still harboring hope that Monday nights will be quiet in our home for the next little bit... though really he shouldn'y complain, since the Bachlorette started airing he has been one tired husband ;)

    Can't wait until tomorrow's post!

    Your devoted reader from Canada.

  5. I agree about their unromantic proposal kiss. With lips closed, did you all notice that?? Eeeek.
    Well better than watching Arie's wet tongue lashing I guess, but sheesh, it could have been more sensual.

  6. I knew you would mention the shitty proposal spot! What's up with the rainbow shutters all half-assed strewn about? Lame. And this may be out of line even for you, buuut...I swear little ricki had a little rack when they walked off into the dirty alley.

  7. I noticed Ricki's wedges too! What is going on with little girls wearing heels all of a sudden? Way to ruin your feet by the time you are twenty...

  8. In the previews, I thought Emily's mom was a psychic they brought in to help Emily make the decision!

  9. I finally understand your love for Jef. He won me over.

    And this is the funniest paragraph ever:

    At the next commercial, Chris Harrison tells us he wants to bring our attention to an issue that they care strongly about, here at the Bachelor. It’s about...protecting our oceans. I can honestly say this is the last thing I ever thought would have come out of his mouth. What. The. Fuck. Why do they care about the ocean? Because they’ve been polluting it with sperm for almost a decade?


  10. First time reader Jen. I couldn't believe you and your readers spotted the same crap my wife and I did, clear down to the random shutters leaning against the walls. You gotta love the ghetto pool with the missing tiles on that last shot. Priceless.

  11. Great job as always. I had to reply because I watched it with my bestie on vacation in Tahoe as well! How'd you like the crazy hail storm today? Can't wait for your bachelor pad recaps. Thanks for a great season of hilarious blogging!

  12. Your friend is hilarious! You should force her to watch the show with you more often.

    I'm glad she picked Jef, even if that means that I can't have him. I wonder if they will make Arie the new Bachelor. I hope not...I don't think he would be very entertaining.

    Ashley girl is the 12-yr old teacher from Brad's (or Jake's??) season. There were two Ashleys and they went on a two-on-one date with Brad (Jake?) and this one stayed. She's definitely gained some weight and looks a lot sluttier.

    Glad this season is over. I think bachelor pad will be much more entertaining! Looking forward to your commentary!

  13. Great recap! I just discovered you a few weeks ago and love your writing! But, not as much as I love Jef! I've actually been having very cougar-like thoughts watching Jef.

    You remind me of RS years ago, when he was good. Before he got caught in lies, sent perverted messages to readers, etc!

  14. Can't believe the show is over! :( No more weekly Jef. Sadface.

    Few thoughts:

    I bet the fanny pack was to hold Ricky's mic. Maybe? We've gotta be able to hear her awkward giggles somehow, right?

    I almost crawled under my couch too when Emily was about to dump Arie. I should have done a drinking game where I took a shot every time either one asked, "How are you??" She talked to him like she was talking to her daughter: "You did such a great job!" [referring to the love potion] So uncomfortable...but such great television.

    Lastly, the clip that made me laugh the most was right when Jef proposed. He gets down on his knee, they zoom in and you can see Jef turning the ring box perfectly towards the camera and the name "NEIL LANE" is more noticeable than the ring itself (probably filmed later and edited in). Love the plug.

  15. OMG Jen you're hilarious. Love the ocean comment! So will you be blogging about the bachelor pad next?

  16. great ending, Jef will be a great Stepford husband someday. Emily and Jef have an unhealthy asexual relationship.

  17. Magda has effin great legs. Not that I really noticed or anything. OK, I'm a little jealous.

  18. Best recap ever! I laughed so many times while reading in it I'd almost watch the Bachelor Pad just to enjoy your recaps... almost! And I loved the friend addition... nice to have a fresh pair of eyes, when hey, I'll admit it, I'm so hooked that I can't see straight anymore. Anyhow, many thinks for a great season. Can't wait to follow you in the future!

  19. Oh lordy Emily in combat boots that HAS to be a first.

    Good for Jef, making Emily more interesting one trip at a time.