Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap – This show is Stage 7 Horrible

10 people? We have 10 goddamn people left? We’re six weeks in and it looks like we have two left – that is waaaaay too long for me. By the way, this is the shortest recap ever because nobody gives a shit about this show. Including me.


Competition 

From here on out, they will compete as couples, vote as couples and continue to bang as couples. Rachel, who is waaaaay too emotional about losing Michael, is unfortunately paired up with Nick, the dumb Trainer with little to no role on this show.

The couples pile into a school bus and head to some performing arts center where they are told they will compete in a spelling bee. And they are not pleased about it. Wow, you’d think someone told them they were about to dive in open water with sharks that feast on the herpes virus. They are freaking out…they’re afraid they can’t spell and will be embarrassed on TV? They’re afraid THIS will embarrass them?

The judges are three kids who are the top spellers in California. I cringe when I hear this. WHY oh why would their parents allow them to go on this show? These kids are smart, driven and accomplished. They have real potential! Don’t subject them to this insanity. They’ve been tainted…now their resumes read: Bachelor Pad – Cast member 2012. Yikes.

Kalon is really bad, spelling “ceremony” wrong, and Blakeley and Tony aren’t much better. Pretty soon everyone is out but the top two couples – Chris and Sara, and Ed and Jaclyn. Despite the fact Ed thinks “cockamay” is a real word, they made it to the finals. Wow.

Chris and Sara win, which means they get roses for safety this week, which pisses off the entire house since they all hate Chris now. They get an overnight date and leave right away, while the rest of the sad saps head back to the house on the bus. They don’t look happy…oh and guess what doesn’t look attractive on a guy? These things:


Ed and Jaclyn also get an overnight date, which proves to be quite entertaining. And a liiiiittle bit pathetic. More on that later.


Chris and Sara date 

As Chris and Sara drive away in the limo, they’re saying they now know they’re the smartest people in the house - this confirmed it. Um, that’s not really much of a compliment. That’s like me saying I’m the best runner…in a community of legless people. That makes no sense. I know. I’m tired.

They get on a private plane, land at Santa Margarita Ranch and take a train ride. They also swim in a freezing cold lake and hike around in high heels. Then they spend the night in a barn: eating dinner, dancing and making the hay stick together with the release of all their bodily fluids. The only interesting part is when Sara asks him about his past relationships and he pretends that he actually “dated” Emily. I love that three weeks on the Bachelorette means “dating” to him. He’s delusional. Almost as delusional as Sara insisting they have something, “real”. It’s real, yo.

Back at the house…Rachel is super depressed about Michael and Jaclyn says, “She’s a mess, like a stage 7 earthquake”. Ahhh, yes, the infamous “Stage 7” earthquake. I’ll never forget the Great Stage 7 Quake of ‘89.


Ed and Jaclyn date 

On this date, Jaclyn somehow ends up proving to us that she’s more desperate than Jamie…she just does it with a lot less flare.

In a nutshell, Ed and Jaclyn are totally banging every night. She thinks this means they like each other and are “dating”. Ed has no interest in dating her…just banging her. This is all quite simple, but Jaclyn manages to make it a Stage 7 emergency.

Ed already admitted in front of the house that he’s not looking for a relationship here. To me, that’s all you need, right? That alone tells you he likes to bang you, but he’s not going to date you. End of story. Jaclyn doesn’t see it this way.

Let’s back up…First they fly to an island, hike around, and sit and chat on a blanket. Ed tells Jaclyn that he’s been pursuing someone back home pretty seriously and still has feelings for her. Ummm, and does Ed honestly think THAT girl is going to be super stoked by his behavior on this show? Safe to say that relationship is over. Unless she’s pathetic too.

Anyway, Jaclyn is pissed, which is still confusing to me. She already knows all this, doesn’t she? He told her he likes her and wants to bang her, but has made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend. What’s so confusing about this? At the end of the night, she agrees to spend the night with him and bang him until he can’t walk. She simply says, “I can’t help myself.” Oh wowzers. So you love him and he told you he doesn’t love you, but you’re going to go sleep him anyway, in hopes that he’ll change his mind and love you back? Wow, this is so friggin sad. Does anyone have an ounce of self-respect anywhere? Don’t get me wrong – if these two wanted to get drunk and hump, more power to them. But it’s different when one of those people loves the other and the other one doesn’t. To be a non-dick, Ed should have said, “I think it makes you sad when I stick it in you, so we should stop because I don’t want to hurt you.” But no, he wants to continue banging J-dawg, so he dances around it a little, and she gives in. Therefore, I give up.

When they get home, they have a rose to give to another couple, so they give it to Blakely and Tony, so they’re safe this week, too.


Cocktail party/rose ceremony 

Blakeley and Tony are safe this week, along with Sara and Chris. The elimination comes down to Rachel and Nick, or Lindzeeeee and Kalon. After forty minutes of meaningless filler, Kalon and Lindzi are sent home. I guess Jaclyn and Ed had the deciding vote and voted to keep Rachel because they’re better friends. Pretty cerebral stuff.

They say goodbye and each get in their own limo. Of course, the limo just begins to pull away and Kalon gets out to chase Lindzi down and jump in her limo. Awww, that’s sweet. You know what else it is? Repetitive. Same thing happened last year with Ames and Jackie, right? Maybe Ames wasn’t eliminated but then ran off anyway, which is basically the same thing. Details, whatever.

I’ll see you guys next week – it looks like we have two more whole weeks left which is really bad news for me. But I’m committed now, so I’ll see you then.

18 comments:

  1. I'm only commenting so that you can feel that posting is still worthwhile. Let's just keep up this act.

    You failed to mention Sarah's zip off dress with the bikini underneath...which she just happened o be wearing. If it was underwear...I wouldn't know...I have kids.

    And YES! The whole Chris "relationship" thing...don't get me started...but um... EMILY DIDN'T EVEN LIKE YOU BACK,

    Lastly, Ed should just come out and say it. "Jaclyn , if you were hotter, I'd like you."

    Blech.

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  2. Damnit! I don't know how much more I can take of this shit-fest. Chris is douchery at it's finest. There is just not other words for how ree-donk-u-lous he is. One last thing....what is with J-dawg and all her damn make-up?!! FUCK! She has so much eye make-up on it weighs them down and makes it looks like slits in the snow. Is this shit over with yet?

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  3. Sarah's mouth is really weird. It bothers me. And how many tubes (sticks? I don't know) of eyeliner do you think Lindzi goes through a week? Jeez.

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  4. Sarah's weird mouth makes me cringe, too. Plus, the way she tries to bond with Chris by insulting others is pretty sad. Who wants to be with a guy who you only relate to when you're being awful?

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  5. I'm enjoying the shit out of this show and more importantly, your blog posts. I get that you're miserable, but committed to seeing this thing through and I appreciate that! I don't, however, get the comments from the other viewers about THEIR misery watching the show...stop watching then! Just food for thought. :)

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  6. Lindze/Linsey/Lyndzeee however she spells her name since the big change, reminds me of a horse. her teeth are way to big for her mouth. then again, her mouth is huge too. i bet she and kalon just stare at each other's teeth. and floss each other too. yuck
    and i can't believe you even WATCHED the show tonight! I figured you would be out trying to console Jef with one F after southern bell hood rat cheated on him!!!!!

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  7. Thank g-d for your blog! The other night I did watch an episode of the show as I was multi-tasking. I am so thankful that I was multi-tasking, because if I were only watching the show, I'd be sooooo mad about the 2 hrs(?) of my life that I'll never get back.
    So, THANK YOU, Jen, for sacrificing yourself by watching the show and reporting to us on your blog, as only you can. You rock!

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  8. Good blog, as usual. I'm at the same point, and am really looking forward to this fuckfest being over soon. This is it for me. This cast was the sleaziest, most boring group of people they could have found. I think BP has run its course. Fleiss....you bombed, your cast was actually sickening and I think everyone has had enough of your crap. And Chris, if I ever see you on the streets of Chicago I will have a really hard time not spitting or throwing something at you. Sarah and Chris, your parents must be so proud of you....NOT. Ed, get to rehab before it gets worse....no kidding with this one....you need help. What a bunch of losers. Jen, I am so sorry you have to go through this two more times, but keep up the great commentaries! You rock!

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  9. Good blog, as usual. I'm at the same point, and am really looking forward to this fuckfest being over soon. This is it for me. This cast was the sleaziest, most boring group of people they could have found. I think BP has run its course. Fleiss....you bombed, your cast was actually sickening and I think everyone has had enough of your crap. And Chris, if I ever see you on the streets of Chicago I will have a really hard time not spitting or throwing something at you. Sarah and Chris, your parents must be so proud of you....NOT. Ed, get to rehab before it gets worse....no kidding with this one....you need help. What a bunch of losers. Jen, I am so sorry you have to go through this two more times, but keep up the great commentaries! You rock!

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  10. i don't even watch the show, i just like to read your blog and i still find myself laughing out loud because of the brilliance you write with. thanks for sticking w this show, your readers really appreciate :)

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  11. Well there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is only one week left of this SHIT! Next week is 1 hour of the final Challange at the mansion, and the second hour is the "Live" finale where they vote who is the biggest idiot and they do the keep share thing to see if they get the money. I wont say what i know because i do keep up on Reality Steve, and dont want to ruin it for the others who dont like spoilers, but your almost there Jen!

    Please dont ever stop writing your blogs. You are so talented and make me laugh so hard every week! This show is so entertaining to watch when you are reading your blog and the Reality Steve Recaps with it!

    I totally appreciate you spending your time on it. Keep up the hilarity!

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  12. Well there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is only one week left of this SHIT! Next week is 1 hour of the final Challange at the mansion, and the second hour is the "Live" finale where they vote who is the biggest idiot and they do the keep share thing to see if they get the money. I wont say what i know because i do keep up on Reality Steve, and dont want to ruin it for the others who dont like spoilers, but your almost there Jen!

    Please dont ever stop writing your blogs. You are so talented and make me laugh so hard every week! This show is so entertaining to watch when you are reading your blog and the Reality Steve Recaps with it!

    I totally appreciate you spending your time on it. Keep up the hilarity!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Well there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is only one week left of this SHIT! Next week is 1 hour of the final Challange at the mansion, and the second hour is the "Live" finale where they vote who is the biggest idiot and they do the keep share thing to see if they get the money. I wont say what i know because i do keep up on Reality Steve, and dont want to ruin it for the others who dont like spoilers, but your almost there Jen!

    Please dont ever stop writing your blogs. You are so talented and make me laugh so hard every week! This show is so entertaining to watch when you are reading your blog and the Reality Steve Recaps with it!

    I totally appreciate you spending your time on it. Keep up the hilarity!

    ReplyDelete
  14. To address the "why do the complainers watch" issue...
    1. We are invested in the franchise. 2. Jen's Blog.
    3. Misery loves company :-)
    4. Jen's Blog
    5. The live show. Worth every minute of weekly grief to see their reactions to the interviews.
    6. Jen's Blog

    Keep on Calm & Blog on!

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  15. Not sure if you'd be interested but wetpaint is hiring a mom blogger! My friend sent me this because she knows it's my dream job but alas I already have two :) I thought of you! More people should be exposed to your awesomeness!

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  16. Fugly Jaclyn really needs to examine her rating systems. Just recently she also said, "On a scale of one to ten, I'm on cloud nine!" Stupid disease-ridden asswipes!

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  17. Keep it up! Great blog - when does the new blog come out - I can't wait

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  18. OK, apparently i misintrepreted what I read... There is one more week of this CRAP! sorry to get your hopes up!

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