Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Bachelor Pad Recap - Jef? Are you there? I miss you.

We’re down to the final four... Final four couples, that is. For those of you who aren’t great at math, that’s eight goddamn people. However, I’m confident in the fact that next week is the finale, so there is an end in sight. Which is good because I’m beginning to have nightmares about Jaclyn’s face. I need a Jaclyn-face-break.

Recap of the four remaining couples:

 -Rachel and Nick (She’s overly emotional about Michael, and he’s the personal trainer who didn’t talk for the first seven weeks of this show)
-Ed and Jaclyn (He’s funny, but a total douche bag, and she just plain sucks – literally and figuratively)
-Tony and Blakeley (oddest pair in BP history. She’s a bit hood rat, and he’s a smidge feminine. Also, if she sat on him, he would die. She’s not fat but her gargantuan boobies would squish him)
-Chris and Sarah (He is a fucking asshole and her mouth is really disturbing to watch when she talks.)


Each couple picks one person to sit on a seat dangling above the water, and another to answer trivia questions about the Bachelor franchise. If they get a question wrong, one of the four cables that hold the seat up is cut. Once three are cut the seat drops away and the person has to suspend themselves from a bar. Whoever is last dangling above the water wins. I can’t believe I just wasted five sentences explaining that. Who gives a fuck.

The questions are all boring – nothing scandalous. Somehow Sarah knows all of them. Chris says, “Sarah’s TV watching is definitely paying off right now.” There’s a sentence my husband will never say. There will never be a reason for him to say that. Never.

Anyway, Sarah knows waaaay too much and I’m not impressed…it makes her look a little pathetic. I mean, what kind of person knows so much about reality TV? Who would ever make reality TV such a huge part of their life? I bet she’s pathetic enough to write a blog about these shit shows. Wait…

Once their seats drop out, nobody can hang onto the bar for more than ten seconds. So it all came down to the questions, and idiot savant Sarah wins, so Chris is happy about that. For winning, they don’t get roses though. They have to choose a couple to go home right away. They choose Blakeley and her boobs along with tiny Tony. She is crying like she just found out her best friend was hit by a bus. Easy Blakester. It’s Bachelor Pad.

In the limo on the way home, Tony of course goes with her even though THAT move is waaaay overdone. He says that he wants to see where things go with Blakeley and he’s so happy he’s met her, blah blah blah. This ain’t goin’ anywhere. No chance in hell. She’d eat him alive.

 Do you think they're going to the airport like this?

Another Competition? 

The final three couples then ride to the Hollywood Palladium where they get a one-song concert from Night Ranger. You guessed it – Sister Christian. They sound pretty good, I’ll give them that. Were they lip-synching? They look a SMIDGE tired. Okay, a lot tired.

Oh and in case you were wondering, seeing Night Ranger is a dream come true for Ed because this song is on his running playlist. His words, people.

The competition is for each couple to sing that song in front of a live audience the next night. Night Ranger will be the judges. So that’s fun…they better turn their hearing aids up!

WHY they wasted these poor vocal coaches’ time is beyond me. As if it helped? Nope. The rehearsals are horrid. I can’t believe how tone deaf Sarah is. It’s shocking actually. Ed and Jaclyn are freaking out about how difficult this is. Jaclyn says, “The next 24 hours are the most important of my life thus far.” Wow, if that’s true, she REALLY needs to reevaluate her life.

I don’t get why they are so stressed out. I would literally just get fucked up beyond words, sing the shit out of that song and do the worm on the ground. Crowd pleaser much? I did that shit in my wedding dress and let me tell you, it WAS.

OK It’s show time. Smitty introduces the judges, Night Ranger, but there are only three of them at the judges’ table. What, did the other two die already? Oh wait, they’re in the band behind them perhaps?

Rachel and Nick go first and seem to do a decent job, but we don’t realize how great it is until we have the other two to compare it to. Next to Ed, Jaclyn, Chris and Sarah (wow, especially Sarah), Nick and Rachel look like Grammy winners. Ed and Jaclyn jack up the beginning so royally, that there was no recovering. Jaclyn missed her cue and then squirreled into the air, “Uh can we start over?” Ummm, no you can’t. So Ed decides that the next best thing to actually performing and singing is to simulate dirty sex with a hooker (uh Jaclyn, looking the part) on stage. It was graphic. And so so wrong. And just plain weird – why are they banging? That’s not what Night Ranger used to do.

Next up are Chris and Sarah. I have no words. I mean, I have no words. For once, Chris doesn’t have to be embarrassed about his behavior. Ed actually put it best – he said Sarah looked like a monkey being electrocuted. Jaclyn said she didn’t know if she was dancing or if something was legitimately wrong with her. I hate Jaclyn for saying something funny, by the way. Sarah was literally just freaking the fuck out, jumping, banging, kicking, humping.

 Shock the monkey

It was painful and I mean, PAINFUL to watch. Not that I’d actually know since I was under my sofa. Anyway, she managed to do all that while singing 100% completely off-key. Amazing. Oh and Chris is reading the lyrics off his fucking arm. Yo douche bag – it would be BETTER to just forget them.

The judges clearly pick Rachel and Nick as the winners. They get to choose who to take to the finale with them next week. Chris tells the camera that he hopes they take him – he says, “We worked hard for this. I mean, do you know how many STD’s I’ve contracted in hopes of winning this money?”
Jaclyn claims she’s best friends with Rachel and would hope her bestie would take her to the finals. She says that she doesn’t want to lose a friendship over this. Ummm, yeah, more on that in a minute.

The Final Decision

Nick and Rachel talk and have to decide who to take with them to the finals. The winner is chosen by the past cast members, so Nick rightly believes that nobody will vote for Chris and Sarah because they’re horrible people, so from a strategic standpoint, it makes sense to take them. But Rachel is torn because she loves Jaclyn, despite her face.

Nick tries to convince Rachel to do it, but Rachel says that friendship means so much more than money. Really? It’s Jaclyn we’re talking about, you realize, right?

In the end, they take Chris and Sarah to the finals, sending Ed and Jaclyn home. As expected from the shallow whore, Jaclyn is pissed off, calling her best friend a piece of shit and that she wants nothing to do with her ever again. Sorry RachDog, but this bitch ain’t worth it. I would hope my bestie would forgive me if I innocently screwed her out of a quarter of a million dollars. Geesh.

Ed and Jaclyn leave, where Ed noticeably does NOT ride with Jaclyn in her limo. Rachel is weeping to the Bachelor camera saying, “Money is ugly. Truly… Wait, did I say money? I meant Jaclyn.”

So the finale will be Rachel and Nick facing off against Chris and Sarah. The finale is advertised as the “most disturbing finale ever”. No way. I don’t buy it. I don’t read spoilers so I don’t know what happens…and it’s clear that something surprising happens, but not “disturbing”. They’re trying to create drama in a land of nothingness. Either way, we get this to look forward to:

 I mean...what?


  1. Something I was thinking about today, don't ask me why...wasn't there a preview at the beginning of this season showing Michael proposing to Rachel? Did I miss something? I don't remember seeing that actually play out.

  2. I'm going to so miss your blog when the show is over!!!

  3. That was when they did the Wax museum thing.

  4. This show is so bad. And what makes it worse is the fact I have had "Sister Christian" running through my head like an rapid ear worm.

  5. The Michael proposing to Rachel was when they were at the wax museum... not real! :)

  6. Jen thank you for posting that picture of Jamie... if anything - she makes this worth watching. Train wreck!!

  7. OK so didn't Blakeley promise to donkey punch Chris in the throat a few weeks ago? If she doesn't do that on the finale I'll be pissed!

  8. I don't even watch this shit show anymore but your blog is the highlight of my midweek!! The first time I read your blog I told my friends " This girl is fucking awesome! I need her to blog about my dating life!"....just in case you're looking for something to do after this nonsense is over....I promise less STD's than this show. Then again, there are probably brothels with less STDs than the bachelor mansion...

  9. So word on the street (wetpaint and twitter) is that Blakely just moved to where the shit Tony lives. Doesn't she also have a kid? I guess they're just making a tiny, horrible Brady Bunch. And, only semi-relevant, apparently Lindzi and Kalon are still together, which makes me question everything I thought was true because the fact that anyone finds him tolerable, let alone lovable is just the worst.

    Also, I've gone through like, 18 captchas and I can't read a single fucking one.

  10. Sooo glad you mentioned Sarah's mouth when she talks, or just sits there! I keep thinking that she's having a stroke and no one gives a crap! Thought I was the only one who noticed!

  11. Something inside of me feels bad for Jamie. I don't know why, but I do. I mean, she is truly a very pretty girl yet she chooses to dress like she's #1 Competing in a pageant, #2 competing in an ice skating competition, or #3 blind. I just don't get it.

    And I should probably be embarrassed to admit this but I will...I knew all the answers during the trivia challenge. Every. Single. Answer. Good thing my therapist is on speed dial.

  12. Great blog. The funniest part of the night was Sarah and her electric monkey moves, either that or her pants were too tight and she was trying to get some circulation to her legs! Looking forward to next week.