Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – I can’t be tortured like this, says Tierra. And me.

For the love of God, thirteen girls left and four hours of Bachelor next week? That’s enough to push one blogger over the edge. It’s been seven years of blogging this crap. Perhaps I’m over it? The anger seems to be escalating, no?


Selma Date 

Selma, the 29 year-old Real Estate Developer from San Diego, gets the first one-on-one date with Sean this week. Sean tells us that Selma says people judge her too quickly, based on her looks – they say she’s just another pretty face. Can I just say it takes major balls to say something like this? That’s like saying, “Seriously, it’s hard to be so beautiful” or “It can be a real struggle to get people to look past my perfect physique” or “Being a NASA engineer is a lot of work!”

Anyway, Selma is mildly annoying in the limo and then on the private plane. She says, “Can you handle all 110 pounds of this (pointing to herself?)” Again, shut up about how skinny and perfect you are. Geesh. Also, I think 100 of those pounds are in her boobs.

Sean keeps saying, “Selma assumes we’re going somewhere nice because we’re on a private plane, but I have a surprise for her!” Ummm, no she doesn’t. She knows damn well you’re doing something dirty and athletic…wanna know why? Because per the producer’s instructions, SHE’S WEARING WORK OUT CLOTHES, you dumb fuck.

They land in the desert and Selma says, “I don’t do well in heat. I’m so disappointed.” She sounds SUPER fun, no? And also not very acclimated to desert heat for being Iraqi.

They’re in Joshua Tree National Park and Sean breaks the news they are rock climbing today. Sean says, “She’s mentioned she’s not athletic”. Ummm, why would you mention this, Selma? I’m not saying you want to date the next Hope Solo, but maybe don’t want to come across like an uncoordinated mass of bones. Just so I’m clear, you also don’t want to date the actual Hope Solo. Crazy cray cray. I’d date Kerri Walsh though! Maybe even Gabi Douglas – she’d be flexible! What the hell am I talking about?

Selma is nervous and bitching a lot, but shockingly climbs the rock and doesn’t die. I keep hoping she doesn’t fart as she’s climbing above Sean.

They go to dinner at a funky, theme-y RV park. There’s that slashed Bachelor budget again. While snuggling after dinner, she tells Sean all about her super strict Arabic family, and how she was raised a Muslim in a very strict household. Please please please please please please please, for the love of God (Allah?) go to her house for a hometown date. Please. Blogger heaven. Please.

Selma can’t kiss Sean because she’s barely allowed to date, let alone go on TV and make out in hot tubs, etc. So her Mom especially would just freak the shit out, so no kissing for them. Sean moans to the camera for awhile about how he wants to kiss her soooo bad. He says to the Bachelor producers, “Can you Google “Muslim and blow jobs”? Maybe those are ok?”

He gives her the rose and she gives him blue balls.


Group Date 

This group date has a chance to make Bachelor history. I mean, they put a bunch of catty, unathletic bitches in roller skates and basically ask them to fight. And one of them is missing an arm. And Tierra is there. And self-proclaimed “I don’t do anything adventurous” AshLEE. I’m so excited I could pee. Sean says, “This is going to be so much fun to watch.” Holy shit, you can say that again.

So they get geared up, and ummm…they can barely stand up. I mean, it is so fucking funny. I would have paid money to be there. I bet the crew was friggin dying. Not to mention those butch roller derby chicks.

Oops, did I fall like this? I’m so flexible! 

Poor Sarah really struggles because, understandably, her balance is off. I feel bad for her… But really, how many times will one have this problem? She never needs to step foot in another roller derby arena ever again.

Amanda bangs her jaw on the floor and gets shipped off to the hospital. God, these bitches are accident-prone. Sean (the producers, actually) decide that the show’s health insurance could never cover what would happen to these ladies if they actually tried to have a roller derby battle, so Sean makes it a free-skate to Journey instead. He says, “I want them to spend time with me and not worry about cracking their jaws.” He adds, “Unless it’s on my penis.” God that was dumb. He also adds, “They weren’t ready for the physicality of roller derby but they embraced it.” Uh they did? How? By crying, bitching and falling?

At the after party, Sean chats with all the girls. Amanda, back from the hospital, gets a kiss on the jaw from Sean. She says, “I should’ve told him they took my tonsils out”, and then made this face:


It’s not that funny, but I’m posting it here because I want to know how many readers KNEW I was going to post this shot?

Tierra and Robyn bicker about something, I don’t know, and Tierra loses it. She threatens to leave, then runs off to whine to Sean. She freaks out, screaming, “I can’t be tortured like this!” And “I’m holding it all in!” (Uhhh, this is holding it in?) Of course, she’s hot enough for Sean to want to keep her around. Any normal-looking chick would get the boot STAT but because she’s hot, he begs her to stay and even gives her a fucking rose. I’m angry with Sean for this. When chicks cry and get all emotional and needy, it’s a turn-off, but if you’re hot enough, it gets you a rose!? This is not sending crazy girls the right message. Rightfully so, the other girls are disgusted.


Leslie Date

Leslie, the 29 year-old Poker Dealer from Los Angeles gets the next one-on-one date. Yes, you read that right. She received earrings with the date card, and she’s stupid excited, saying, “I’ve never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend before!” Umm, you still haven’t. He’s not your boyfriend, first of all, and second, the Producers came up with the idea and bought them. HOW do they not know this? These fucking chicks are delusional. Unhinged, all of them.

Sigh. Anyway, this is the overdone “Pretty Woman” date, which supposedly all girls dream of. Ehhh, not really. It’s not romantic to try on dresses with a dude watching, really. And do we really want to emulate the movie where a rich dude buys a hooker clothes because he’s embarrassed by her skankness?

Leslie finds her perfect dress. Winner winner chicken dinner, she proclaims. Fuck you. And stop playing with your goddamn hair.

Next stop, Neil Lane, who negotiated more airtime into his contract this season. He lends Leslie a necklace. Fuck me, I’m bored. Leslie says, “I’ve never been treated this good before.” Oh my god, please someone explain to her – this is not Sean’s money or Sean’s idea. Go make out with the Producer if you’re impressed with what’s going on. Idiot.

They head to dinner where it’s clear this is going nowhere. She’s annoying…I’m sure she’s nice, but she laughs crazy and seems awkward all the time. Their conversation was ALMOST an under-the-sofa moment. (She grew up “in church?”) It was like a horrible awkward interview. And I know I’ve said it before, but I really hate the question, “What do you want in a husband?” There’s only one answer. We all want the same shit. Humorous, love, loyal, smart, blah blah. Nobody wants a Unabomber.

Sure enough, Sean tells her that he doesn’t feel a romantic connection with her. I appreciate his honestly and gentleness when booting her. She’s a little torn-up, saying she’s lost right now. Soooo, she went on one date with him. Your 20-year marriage didn’t dissolve, poker lady. It was ONE date.

If they hit it off, some dude was supposed to sing for them, but she’s gone now. Contractually, they promised this dude some airtime, but it would be too gay for Sean to just sit there alone and listen to him, so he watches him from a balcony…while music guy plays to nobody.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Robyn tells the camera she needs to do something tonight to get his attention and I start to get excited. I love it when the bitches get desperate. She proceeds to ask Sean if he wants to eat chocolate. He says yes, because really, who doesn’t like chocolate? Dammit, Sean, she’s talking about her! White girls can’t do this, because if I asked a guy if he wanted to taste something vanilla he could easily say no because vanilla isn’t nearly as popular as chocolate.
 • AshLEE is chill and sweet, so Sean digs that, but I don’t think this chick is spirited enough. She’s too quiet, chill and reserved. The two of them would put each other to sleep. Snooze.
• Tierra tells Sean not to listen to the other girls if they talk shit about her. I mean, how many warnings does this dude need? He says, “Tierra needs more reassurance than anyone else in the house, but I don’t see that as a bad thing.” Ummm, this is such bullshit. Of course that’s a bad thing, you asshole. It means she’s insecure and needy. Also means she’s an attention whore and totally selfish. Last week she falls down the stairs, this week she freaks out for attention and next week she apparently falls through an iceberg. She loves the drama. Drama is not a good quality in a wife. Trust me. Just ask my husband.
• She DOES have a dent in her forehead. Probably from playing softball in prison.
• Daniella needs some powder.
• I just noticed how much lip-gloss is in this room. Herpes can stick to that shit.
• On a related note, these chicks all look like they just finished eating pork chops and snorting crank.
• Catherine gives Sean a piece of paper with a kiss on it, tells him she’s really attracted to him, and I want to fucking punch her. She takes him to the driveway so they can make out in private, and I’m under my sofa.


Rose Ceremony 

Tierra and Selma have roses already. The remaining roses go to:

-Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Awkward city. He will never choose her. Not gonna happen.
-Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Didn’t speak one word this week, but still a viable choice for Seannie.
-Lindsay - 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. Sean likes to make out with wedding dress girl but it ain’t going anywhere.
-Lesley - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. Also didn’t speak one word this week, but she’ll be around awhile.
-Robyn - 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Sexual chocolate.
-AshLEE - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. Control freak, very organized and non-adventurous. Sounds like FUN!
-Sarah- 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She’s a super trooper for even attempting roller derby with one arm, but her lack of confidence will be her demise.
-Jackie - 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. I still want to know what a cosmetic consultant is.
-Daniella - 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. Shiny and very little role. She’ll be gone within two weeks.

Therefore, Amanda goes home. Good, she was just…off a little. He tells her he’ll walk her out…to the foyer anyway.

Only TWO girls are gone this week?? And there are TWO two-hour episodes next week? (Monday and Tuesday nights) Are you trying to wear us down? That’s just too much. Also, it’s super predictable who the last few chicks will be, right? No way he’ll end up with Robyn, Catherine, Lindsay, Daniella, or Jackie. Final six are Sarah, Tierra, Selma, Desiree, Lesley, and AshLEE (Again, just my guess, I don’t read spoilers). I bet final three are Tierra, Desiree and Lesley.

See you next week…

24 comments:

  1. What?! No joke about sending the girl with the dysfuntional jaw home? LOL

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  2. "On a related note, these chicks all look like they just finished eating pork chops and snorting crank." OMG Jen, LOL.

    -BM Barbie

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  3. "On a related note, these chicks all look like they just finished eating pork chops and snorting crank." OMG Jen, LOL.

    Yours Forever, BM Barbie

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  4. I totally thought you would post a picture of Sean's package in the harness when he and Selma were sitting at the top of the rock they climbed! It was horrible!

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  5. Omg what about the scene after Sean dumps Leslie, and he stands over the balcony holding the rose, listening to the guy play, and.....wait for it.....the. Rose. Drops. to. the floor. in slow mo. ahahahahahah!

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  6. I accidentally saw a spoiler this morning that Leslie was going home, so I skipped most of their date but I kind of felt bad for her. Like, I don't really think she felt too much for him either but just wanted it to work really badly. She's really pretty and she seems nice, so good luck to her. Amanda, on the other hand, is crazytown so I don't even know what I wish for her.

    Also, FUCK Tierra and her non-apology and her theatrics. She has to have worn non-waterproof mascara in next week's episode because she wanted to make sure everyone saw that she was crying. No way was that not planned. She's quickly joining Vienna and Courtney on my crazy, horrible bitch list.

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  7. Awesome blog. I was waiting for someone to pickup on Leslie's "Winner,winner, chicken dinner!"chant accompanied by a little dance. Sheesh.

    They can't all be dense; they must have some inkling that the lead doesn't choose or pay for any of the dates and tchotckes. I assume they say things like "No boyfriend has ever given me jewelry before"in response to a prompt. And then it just makes them sound dumb, as if most of them need any help.

    Their real thoughts would be more like, "Well, I'm going to enjoy while I'm here because Sean's idea of a romantic dinner is burgers and beer, and he'd be poaching from my plate and expect me to split the check." Yeah.

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  8. Anonymous I agree with you. I think the girls are prompted to say those stupid things about Sean supposedly planning the dates and treating them so well. They can't all be that stupid, and every season, they all say it.

    I had to laugh at Selma not wanting to kiss Sean due to her Muslim upbringing. I am sure that appearing on such a show as this at all is high up on their list of acceptable behaviour. Yes, I would LOVE to see a hometown date with her parents!!

    Have a confession to make. I was so angry at Sean for giving Tierra the rose last night after her silly outburst that I checked the spoilers. Don't worry, I have locked my lips and have thrown away the key....

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  9. I am totally over the Bachelor too, but I still watch just so I can laugh at your blog the next day! Sean is quite the snoozefest, so thanks for writing even though he doesn't provide the best material for you to work with.

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  10. Also, Leslie kept saying "Holy Moley, Batman" at the beginning of their date. Or just plain "Holy Moley". I couldn't decide which was worse, but ahhhh!! she was killing me with how obnoxious she was!
    Also, I was under the couch when she "double-checked" with Sean that he didn't feel *anything* romantic. NO, bitch! Now get in the car. And stop fumbling with the necklace...

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  11. As I was watching last night, I kept thinking about what would show up in your blog... right on point! The whole chicken dinner thing made me just cringe!

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  12. Fun read.
    Selma is so full of SHIT! That no-kiss is a manipulative ploy..Go to her twitter account..she has near half naked photos of herself all over the place..and loves to use the F-word...but she cant kiss a guy? Then on youtube is a video of her on a yacht. We that video she has a photo shoot topless with her covering her tits with her arm..yes a public video for mom to see...yet she cant kiss a guy... Man I HATE fake shit like that..Sean should have sent her home right then and there..manipulative BITCH! She reminded me of Elizabeth Kitt from Jakes season, she wouldn't kiss also, but when she went on Bachelor Pad1- She was the first one naked having sex with Jesse. I hope Selma ends up on BP4..watch her change from Miss Kissless into Miss Horn Dog.. 100% guaranteed!

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  13. So Psyco Selmas' strict Muslim upbringing won't let her kiss a dude but there's no problem being on the bachelor and guzzling wine in a trailer park? Good to know.

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  14. Thank you for mentioning the dent.

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  15. Wait, 4 HOURS next week??? What??? Whyyy???
    By the way, the trailer park on Selma's date is the same place that Brinkley and Tony(?? forgot his name??) went on a date on Bach Pad last season and they "fell in love". They're reusing dates. They are definitely running out of money and ideas!

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  16. Yes, thank you for mentioning the dent! I was wondering why I was the only one who seemed to see it! She's hot? I must be the only one who CAN'T see that.

    And, yea. Kisses: No. 100lb boob job: Perfectly fine???

    I never thought about the fart. That would have been priceless!

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  17. Funny comment on the fart...Haaaa.. HELL yeah that would have been good TV had they eaten before at a Mexican Fast FOOD all Beans cafe..then went rock climbing...Selma would have left at least 50 rotten farts and silent but deadly stinkers on Sean ( as he was under her the entire time) That would have made some good damn TV...HAaaa

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  18. So, confession time. While my dent is in no way similar to the shape and intensity as Tierra's, I too have a dent on my forehead. It's the product of falling down and hitting my head on the corner of the end table when I was a toddler. So, while I will knock her for being your typical, selfish, back-stabbing slut-faced hoebag (or is she so much more than that?), I can't ridicule the dent. I just can't. Unless we find out that it's the product of a bad botox job, then, well, that's changes things.

    Also, I too use the phrase holy moly. I may utter "holy cannoli" from time to time. Sometimes a geez Louise may slip out. Thanks, Leslie, for pointing out how dumb I sound. I'll try to ease up. However, under no circumstances have I used the "batman" phrase...or "winner winner, chicken dinner". That's where I draw the line.

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  19. It’s really interesting to see someone like Selma on the show especially if her family doesn’t condone what she’s doing, nonetheless likes to keep dating quiet. My DISH co-worker points out that nothing is quiet on The Bachelor and if her mother is watching, Sean’s comments alone will have her going through the roof. He plays it cool like Prince Charming and says that he respects her for following her upbringing and not kissing her which I think is garbage. We’ll see how long they can keep their lips off of each other. I’ve got my DISH Hopper recording the show for me while I’m out with the kids. Thanks to the Hopper’s huge hard drive I can record up to 2,000 hours of my favorite TV shows and movies. It puts me in control of how I watch TV and I can watch whenever I get the chance.

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  20. I also liked how Tierra started her conversation with Robyn and Jackie (what did Jackie do, by the way??)... it was something like this: "I want to apologize. I'm sorry that the other night, you attacked me. And it really wasn't fair."

    Best apology ever.

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  21. Four hours next week? Ain't nobody got time fo' that! At least that's two extra hours of material for you to rip on.

    I totally was hoping Selma would rip one right in Sean's face. That's why I watched the show till the very end when they do the out takes.

    That Tierra apology was the best! I was hoping one of the girls would tell her that using the word "apology" doesn't actually make it an apology, especially when you state all the things the other person did wrong to you. I enjoy watching her cry though.

    Sean is so boring that I think it's time the show pick a bachelor who'll be like "I can tell this Tierra bitch is one crazy, manipulative, desperate ho bag but I'm keeping her around for shits and giggles. Hollatchaboy!"

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  22. I only watch the show just so that I can read your blog! You have an awesome sense of humor which I'm sure is only enhanced with tequila! Looking forward to next weeks blog. " double the romance and double the std's..."

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  23. For the record, I have never watched this show regularly (EVER), but after reading your blog last year about the Bachelorette (it was recommended by a friend), I started watching this year, mainly so I could laugh at what you have to say about it the next day.
    That said, as a 28 year old female, also in Los Angeles, I do find it fascinating that people like this really exist. Mainly how stupid they are. And as a volleyball player, don't even get me started on last week.
    I'd like to think that Sean is a fairly sensible guy, but the more he talks to Tierra, the more I think, this guy must be really dumb. He went all, "I totally open up to them and am genuine with them, and expect that in return," and yet you don't see through her ridiculousness? It almost makes me feel bad for the guy, but I don't know if I feel bad that he's being manipulated, or I feel bad because he's dumb.

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  24. Also, in response to Jill's confession, it's one thing to have a dent from hitting your head as a toddler. It's another thing to have a dent from turning into a raging psycho. Notice it only comes out when she's bitching? I would NOT put yourself in the same "we have a dent in our foreheads so don't make fun of us" category as Tierra!

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