Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - Just another week...missing self-esteem and missing arms

All I kept thinking about last night was how awesome it would be if Sean only booted all the black chicks and the chick with one arm?

Sooooo, Sean is back and looking for love. He’s plenty fulfilled already, with a great Dad, great nieces and nephews, great job and great green shirts to work out in…but he wants to be a dad and husband too. Awww.

As a recap…Sean is 29, from Dallas, works in Insurance or something, and was third place on Emily’s season. I love that Emily dumped him because I feel like he’s never been dumped and needed a little bit of humility. Yes, he’s good looking, but he’s waaaay over-muscular for my tastes. And I always thought he was super boring…but this week’s show proved he had a little more personality than previously thought. I do still think he has a bit of “I want a southern wife to obey me, pump out my babies and cook for me” going on. We’ll see.

Aaaanyway, let’s get started. This recap always sucks because I’m trying to sort out the 100 friggin crazy women. So bear with me. We start with a summary of Sean’s history on the show: Emily dumped him, he was heartbroken, he works out a lot and only wants to be engaged once. Now you’re up to speed.


Arie’s visit 

Arie’s visit really helped me like him more. He never did much for me, but he was so damn funny here. I love that the Bachelor producers were like, “Go to Sean’s place and give him advice on how to find love.” And Arie was all, “Fuck that, I’ll go and fuck around with him.”

Arie and Sean first decide to practice how he will say, “Will you accept this rose?” They try different emphasis on different words. Will YOU accept this rose? Will you ACCEPT this rose? I find it funny. I just wish they tried this one: WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE? How awesome would it be if Sean just fucking screamed it at the first chick? Arie then shows his kissing technique:


But the best part was discussing how Sean will dump them…he can’t say he’s moving. He can’t just stop texting them. He says that he can’t say, “It’s not you, it’s me”, because it’s obviously going to be them, not him. This simultaneously makes me love him and hate him. Let’s meet these chicks.


A preview of the crazies 

Smitty tells us that these ladies have signed up for a chance to become Mrs. Sean Lowe. I mean, for fucks’ sake. Are we in 1955? A chance to become a wife? The ultimate prize! Wife Contest!

Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. This chick is dying to get married. She also looks a little like Katie Holmes. She acts like Suri though.

Tierra, 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. Worst name ever. It screams stripper. She looks super cute, but when she stops smiling, she looks super fucking evil. And guess what?? SHE’S FAMILY ORIENTED LIKE SEAN!

Robyn, 24, Oil Field Account Manager (she sells oil fields?), Houston. She’s black. I’m just sayin’ it because it’s painfully obvious that the Bachelor peeps made an effort to include diversity in the pool. She sticks post-its everywhere to help learn Spanish…probably the least effective way to learn a language ever.

Diana, 31, Salon Owner, Salt Lake City. She’s a single mom of two. She’s the oldie. And yes, I know I’m a dinosaur at six years older than her, but for this show, she’s friggin old.

Sarah, 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She has one arm. Let’s just say it. She has one arm. The bad news? This chick is a friend of a friend, so I can’t make fun of her. But honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.

Ashley P., 28, Hair Stylist, Michigan. She “has no idea why she’s still single”. Fuck, really? It might be the fact that you’ve “actively searched for a boyfriend”, or that now your life is “just me and my cat”. Or that you’re addicted to shitty porn. Or that you’re an alcoholic. Or that you’re an asshole in general. Maybe one of those?

Lesley M., 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. You guys, she is a HUGE advocate for the environment. She is hot, I think. She’s normal, I think. She’s a little butch, I think. I’m on the fence.

Kristy, 25, Model, Wisconsin. She thinks she is hot shit but she’s one of those chicks that look WAY better while modeling than she comes across in real life. She looks a tad drag-queeny?

AshLee F., 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. I could write an entire blog on this chick. Let’s start with the name. For real? AshLee? Fuck you. And Personal Organizer as a career is a cry for help. I’m painfully organized too, and I realize it’s just about having a need to control shit. Being that she was bounced around in foster homes, I get that need for control but holy shit, it makes for one complicated bitch. Put that chick on the Bachelor and we’ve got TV gold. I expect big things here.


The limos dump off their loads 

AshLee F. 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. She personally organized her arrival. And then walked away from Sean without saying anything. Awkward.

Jackie, 25, Cosmetic Consultant, Florida. Fancy way of saying she works at the Clinique counter at Penny’s.

Selma, 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego (Whale’s Vagina). She’s pretty and exotic. I bet also, 100% crazy as fuck.

Leslie H., 29, Poker Dealer, Los Angeles. Big Mouth. Odds of her ending up with Sean? About the same odds as me being able to laugh without peeing myself juuuust a little.

Daniella, 24, Commercial Casting Associate, San Francisco. She looks just a tad stoned.

Kelly, 28, Cruise Ship Entertainer, Tennessee. Oh lord. My first “under the couch” moment. Why do we sing to him? Why? So awkward. And why so much tanner? She looks orange and insane.

Katie, Yoga Instructor, 27, Charlotte. Her face is pretty…but weird. No way this is happening for Sean.

Ashley P., 28, Hair Stylist, Michigan. She pulls out a tie in reference to 50 Shades of Gray and it’s clear Sean has no idea what it’s for. Do you think Sean is looking for a wife that is into dirty bondage? Doubtful.

Taryn, 30, Health Club Manager, Oregon. She’s very pretty and quiet and in about ten minutes it will become clear that she has the self-esteem of a sand dollar.

Catherine, 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. She calls Sean “a hunk”. She giggles like a ten-year-old girl. It’s not attractive.

Robyn, 24, Oil Field Account Manager, Houston. Hola! It’s Robyn. She fucking falls on her face while doing a back handspring or something. It’s amazeballs. What an asshole. Did she practice that shit in a dress? He’s not looking for a gymnast. Did nobody do research on Sean? What would have impressed him is if you walked out of the limo with a Kitchenaid Mixer in your hand, and vow to bake for him every day and obey him at night.

Lacey, 24, Graduate Student, Valencia. Dying to know what kind of graduate student. She has lots of sparkles and hair extensions and wants to be called “Lace”, just to slut-up her name a little.

Paige, 25, Jumbotron Operator, New York. This bitch is a Jumbotron Operator? I mean, that’s amazing. If you’re a Jumbotron Operator, you go get a new job before going on this show, just so you don’t have to write “Jumbotron Operator” on your application. She was one of the “super fans” from Bachelor Pad last summer, and looked a lot more normal then.

Tierra, 24, Leasing Consultant, Denver. She tells Sean that she has an open heart (tattoo) and hopefully Sean will be the guy to fill it. That’s not all Sean wants to fill. He tells her to stay there while he tells Smitty he wants to change the rules and give her a rose right away. So at least he’s not too blinded by looks. She bitch doesn’t even talk and gets a rose?

Amanda, 26, Fit Model 26, Newport Beach. I think she was born with more teeth than the average human has.

Keriann, 29, Entrepreneur, Florida. Entrepreneur is code for “I’m trying to start my own beaded jewelry line.”

Desiree, 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. She brought pennies so they can make a wish in the fountain. Gay.

Sarah, 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. Solo arm.
 
Brooke, 25, Community Organizer, Philadelphia. The black lady with red hair. She would fit RIGHT IN with Sean’s family.

Diana, 31, Salon Owner, Salt Lake City. Snooze.

Lesley, 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. She brings a football, which always bugs me when the chicks try to look so…”check me out, I’m such a guys’ girl. So down-to-earth and I know what a football is!” She looks a little butchier here than she might have intended.

Kristy, 25, Model, Wisconsin. She is wearing waaaaay too much makeup. And I mean, waaaay too much. RuPaul would even think so. This shit scares guys off. No guy wants to see you peel off your face at night and watch it fall into the sink.

Ashley H., 25, Fashion Model, 25, Denver. She’s black too. Nicki Minaj in a prom dress from 1982. I thank my best friend, Wendy, for that comment.

Lauren, 27, Journalist, Rhode Island. Totally forgettable.

Lindsay, 24, Substitute Teacher, Missouri. She wears a wedding dress. She is an idiot. She kisses him on the lips, which is just gross and aggressive. She tells Sean she has balls for wearing a wedding dress and he replies, “I hope not” (another point for Sean).

Just when we think that’s all, Smitty tells us there is one more woman…and out pops Kacie from Ben’s season. She’s 25, from Tennessee, and I have no idea what she does for a living. I remember thinking she was cute and normal but SO YOUNG. And then I’m forced to remember…that horrid laugh.


Cocktail party 

Sean walks in to hang with the ladies and he starts handing out roses like nobody’s business. At first I like this idea – he can just hand them out as he “connects” with someone…but then I realize it’s WAAAAY more awkward this way, because when he sits with someone like Nicki Minaj and does NOT want to give her a rose, he then just walks away and it’s horrendously awkward (I’m hiding under my sofa after that one).

Wedding Dress Lindsay is now wasted and asks Sean to dance. I’m under my couch so I miss a lot of this, but she demands that he kiss her, as she promises she’s not contagious. She’s worried Sean doesn’t get the joke. Oh he gets it…he runs back to the Production Office and says, “OK who cast insane wedding dress girl? Good one, guys. Ha ha.”

Ashley, 50 Shades of Gray, is also wasted and pulls out the tie again. Sean claims he brought a rape whistle (another point for Sean. Props for showing personality and humor, missing until now). Next, Taryn claims she doesn’t fight over a guy. Umm, have you never seen this show? It’s not about one guy and one girl. Where’s the fun in that? The POINT of the show is not to find love, but to watch 25 girls with low self-esteem self-destruct. Anyway, she starts to cry, winning the “first to cry” award, because Sean hasn’t noticed her. People, please. Get a grip. There is no reason to cry on night one. None. Anyone who cries gets an automatic dismissal. Cray cray.

Inside Sarah talks about how she’s sad she hasn’t talked to Sean yet. She goes on to say that she doesn’t really know why she’s single, so she assumes it’s because she only has one arm. Pluuuease girlfriend, it’s not like you’re missing a vagina. You’re missing an arm. And it’s not even your right one, so you can still give hand jobs, and all guys LOVE hand jobs. I don’t think guys care you don’t have an arm – it’s probably because you’re not the most exciting chick around and your painfully low self-esteem (she claims she must not deserve what other girls do). If I had one arm, I’d just OWN it, you know? I’d make it a thing. I’d paint it red and stick it up in the air, draw attention to it, hit people with the stub, hang spaghetti off it, pretending it just fell off, and play tricks on strangers all the time. OK I’ll shut up – I’m sure it sucks for her, but she’s a pretty girl and seems really sweet and can definitely find a dude…she just needs to buck up a little!


Rose ceremony

So Sean has been handing out roses all night, like these chicks hand out their herpes, so by the time the rose ceremony comes along, I think thirteen chicks have roses:

Desiree – bridal consultant, seems to be 12 years old.
Tierra – got the very first rose, really pretty yet has streaks of sheer evil inside.
Selma – exotic, very red lips, will love Sean forever or cut his penis off during a fight. One or the other. No in-between.
Brooke – red headed black chick.
Robyn – black chick who fell on her head.
Sarah – one arm (I’m not saying it in a judgmental way. Just a classification-type-of-way)
AshLee – Organizing cougar
Katie – Yoga Instructor, not a chance in hell. Sorry, lady. Namaste.
Catherine – Say who?
Diana – Single mom, not much of a role here.
Jackie – works at Penny’s.
Leslie H. – Poker Dealer. Big mouth. Seems spunky. Aaaaand she’s black too.
Lacey – Goes by Lace. Not much to report.

Sean still has some roses to give out, which must feel great to these chicks. He didn’t like you enough to give you a rose on the spot, but he still has some extras, so here you go.

Amanda – girl with awkward pause, lots of teeth
Lesley M – Footballing politician. I dig her for some reason.
Kacie – Overly confident chick from Ben’s season. Fell hard for Ben so the jury is still out on her decision-making skills.
Kristy – She apparently won a contest titled, “The Best from the Midwest.”
Daniella – Stoned casting associate. Nothing to report here.
Taryn – Doesn’t like being ignored or competition. But loves white hair dye.
Lindsay – Crazy in a wedding dress. Odds of recovering from the notoriety this episode will bring are slim.

Therefore, the following chicks get the boot:

Kelly - Cruise ship entertainer who was assaulted with a spray tanner on the way to the mansion. She says she is just more embarrassed, since she was the girl who sang to him and got kicked off right away. So yeah, that’s pretty spot on.
Lauren – The blond Italian.
Ashley P - Drunk 50 Shades of Gray chick. Thank God. I mean, it may have been fun to watch for a couple weeks, but really, thank God.
Paige – Super fan from Bachelor Pad. She seems bitchy and lame this time around.
Ashley H – I feel a little bad for Nicki Minaj here. She says she wanted this so badly and it’s been years since she’s been in love. Well NOW I feel bad.
Keriann - Tiny eyes. No real presence on the show. Oh well.

The previews look pretty good, with a lot of made-up drama. I like the chick that fell down the stairs and they make it seem as if she was pushed. So stupid. I like how the paramedics show up, see Sarah and yell, “She’s lost an arm!” Just kidding. That didn’t happen.

See you next week, folks.

28 comments:

  1. I felt like Nicki Minaj was all sultry voice w/ Sean and weird in the lusty bit, but in her exit interview was a bit more real, rough, and it just made me laugh and gag all at the same time - the sultry part.

    Great recap - def makes watching worth while!!

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  2. Welcome back! I didn't even realize it was bachelor time again so soon.
    Also, I'm sick in bed and you made me laugh when no one else has, so thank you!

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  3. Missed you in the off season.
    Cant wait to watch it tonight.
    My boyfriend refuses to watch. He doesnt see the hilarity that is The Bachelor, so i have to wait until he has something else to do or i have to listen to his comments and i want to smack him.
    i keep hearing about the 50 shades of whore from everyone, so i think she will be entertaining for one sho, but i would probablly want to beat her senseless if she was around longer.
    So glad to have you back.

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  4. I ONLY watch the show now ( since I am no longer making cameos like the std you acquired in college) so I can follow along with your brilliant insight. My god I love you.

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  5. Absolutely love your insight!!!! Thank you!!!!

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  6. What Wendy said, minus the cameos

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  7. Thank God you and the Bachelor are back!

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  8. Welcome back! All episode long while watching with my wife I could only think about how you'd react to everything in the show. It's the only reason I watch since there's only like two hot chicks. What's up with that? Keep up the good work.

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  9. Great recap! Is it just me or does Tierra look a little bit like Courtney from Ben's season?

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  10. Jen, I laughed so hard that I woke up my husband! I miss Jef!

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  11. Okay, it's awful, but I have to say it anyway... this is what my husband said while watching Sean attempting to give a rose to the 1 Armed Beauty "And if you can accept this rose with your left hand, you can have it" (I told you it was bad, but still, funny as hell!) She's gorgeous and shouldn't have the arm issue be a crutch, seriously.

    Well done Jen! I waited with great anticipation for this one and you knocked it out of the park.

    Now go rest up for the next one!

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    1. You are hilarious Steph. ~ Blair

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  12. Putting Arie on this show was genius. I doubt they were even friends, which made it really random but hilarious.
    I'm happy to have the Bachelor back, but I'm kind of thinking this is going to be a boring season. I wish they would have kept Fifty Shades girl just for our entertainment. Kacie's laugh is sooo annoying. I don't want to have to listen to it for long. Hopefully, he gets rid of her soon!

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  13. I'm glad you're back. You and RS certainly enhance the trainwreck that is The Bach! Thanks for the laughs.

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  14. So orange-Kelly will watch herself and go "oooh, I see", while Michigan's finest AshleyP will watch herself and go "what was wrong with that?"...sad, but oh so true!

    Kristy the model is definitely hiding a penis under her dress, and I'm betting her modeling is reserved for the Sears catalog.

    Tierra started out cute in a Melissa Rycroft way, but the previews show her being a class-A Bi-Atch, so that should be fun.

    I'm rooting for the DC football player...she seems real enough.

    Thanks Jen!

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  15. You are totally hysterical! Love, love, love your blog!!!!

    Just about peed my pants laughing about the one arm chick.

    Regards,
    Joanne

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  16. Oh my god, Jordana is spot on about Tierra's eyebrows. It makes her look kind of scary.

    Also, I love Kacie. Love her. I don't love her laugh but I seriously adore her, and can put aside her incredibly questionable judgment about Ben. I mean, she wasn't the only one "in love" with him. Shit, he picked just about the only one who wasn't.

    Oh, and HATE the model. When she said some shit about Ford Models being basically the top modeling agency, I laughed and said, "Biiitch please, all you do is catalog." She's not nearly as hot as she thinks she is.

    ETA: my CAPTCHA is 1322 labiyea. I like to think a labiyea is a really enthusiastic crotch.

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    1. Maybe Labiyea is a county in Whale's Vagina? ;-)

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  17. OMG I'm reading your blog in bed with my husband asleep next to me and I'm laughing so hard the bed keeps shaking and waking him up. It's so good to have you back! I can't wait to read your blog this season! When I'm watching the show, I always imagine which parts you're hiding under your couch.

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  18. Thanks for the laughs Jen! One thing that did stand out to me about Keriann was how she drove like 3,000 miles from Florida and would she have to drive ALL the way back?

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  19. That last paragraph killed me! Too funny! I read another blog where the author commented about someone's lazy eye, someone's big forehead, etc and people were tearing her a new one! I was like...umm...sensitive much? Good thing those very sensitive people are not reading this blog. I'm looking forward to all of your non-political correctness this season.

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  20. Your recap is so much better than the show. Thanks for the laughs.

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  21. Your recap is so much better than the show. Thanks for the laughs.

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  22. Oh my. I absolutely should NOT read your recaps at work. Trying to stifle a full belly laugh almost made me pass out.

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  23. I just found your blog, and holy shitballs you are HILARIOUS! I now refer to Harrison as Smitty, and whenever I see AshLee's name on the screen I say "fuck you!" as a tribute to your hilarity. I laughed so hard when I read that! I am looking forward to reading your recaps this season, I wish I had known about them before but better late than never!

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  24. Yay! You're back! Not to sound super psycho, but The Bachelor is not the same without your recaps. :)

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  25. I meant to come by last week and say this but Diana, the single mom Sean dumped last week, used to date the object of your lust - Jef. Small world.

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  26. You are the typical blonde Jen. Stupid,immature and a brunette.

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