Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – It rains a lot in Thailand. Please note - rain does not keep crazy away.

Sean and the chickies are in Thailand. It’s the fantasy suite date episode, which I used to call the STD suite, but this season it will be called the heavy petting/blow job suite.

Ummm, not safe! 

We’re down to Lindsay, AshLEE and Catherine. Here’s his recap of his final three ladies:

Catherine: She’s a nerd but gives him the silly he needs in his life. Wow.

AshLEE: She wants the same type of marriage, kids and family that he does. What the fuck does that mean? We all want the exact same thing. Every single one of us. We want a happy marriage, nice normal kids that don’t kill people and a nice happy life filled with fun, laughter and love. Who DOESN’T want that? Does Catherine want a kid that worships the devil and a marriage filled with mild abuse? Of course not. Stupid stupid shit. Oh and he says he likes AshLEE because she communicates and he wants that. Um, no you don’t. That’s too much communication right there. Waaaay too much.

Lindsay: She didn’t seem to have the maturity he was looking for at first, but now Sean appreciates how fun she is and that she never seems to have a bad day. God I hate people like that.


Lindsay Date 

This chick is growing on me a little. Despite the fact she “never seems to have a bad day” (puke), she seems the most normal and fun. Sure, she’s probably as mature as my new goldfish, but at least she’s fun, has a normal family and a shred of mental stability. Unlike some other chicks… Ahem… ASHLEE.

Side note. Sean’s turquoise tank top is unacceptable. I expect he’ll be wearing a puka shell necklace next.

As they walk through a market in Thailand followed by Bachelor cameras on an all-expenses paid trip, they claim this is what life would be like if they were married. What the fuck? People, no. This happens every season and every season I say the same thing. This is not real life. Real life is telling your husband not to touch you when he crawls into bed because he better not fucking wake you up, and then it’s having massive diarrhea in your shared bathroom after a night of bad Chinese food. That is real life. This is not.

Despite the fact she tells Sean she doesn’t want to eat bugs, he takes her to the bug cooker lady, and makes her eat a bug. She is not thrilled.

This is the same face I made the first time I swall-…forget it. 

And now begins the best friend talk. You’re the best friend I was looking for. And this is repeated maybe five times on this date. Kiss of death, lady. You don’t marry your best friend. We all claim that, but it’s not true. Your husband becomes your best friend after you get married but you don’t marry your best friend. My best friend has seen me shit my pants in a drunken stupor and cry like a serious, serious mental patient. Believe me, she doesn’t want to marry me. My husband has also seen me do these things, but he saw it AFTER we were married.

They head to a beach and feed monkeys. Hello? Did you not SEE Outbreak? They swim in the sunset and it looks amazing. I could fall in love with anyone there. Even Bruno Mars. (I HATE Bruno Mars.)

They have dinner at the Thailand version of “It’s a Small World”, where Sean presents her with the card from Smitty, inviting her to his fantasy suite. Here’s how the conversation went:

Sean: I don’t know if you read last week’s US Weekly, but I’m a born-again virgin. Basically, I hump someone and then just claim that immediately afterwards. Anyhoo, what I’m saying is, we don’t have to have sex.
Lindsay: What the fuck? No sex? Bullshit. I want to have sex.
Sean: Sorry, lady. I have morals to uphold. You can totally play with my balls though.
Lindsay: Can I give you a blowjob too?
Sean: I suppose so. Virgins do that, right?
Lindsay: Will you be my best friend though?

So they head to the fantasy suite where she finally tells Sean she loves him, although she giggles like she’s in fifth grade and it’s a little cringe-worthy. But still, I like her.


AshLEE Date 

This entire date is AshLEE blabbing on and on about how Sean is her soul mate. It’s really, really scary. It’s too much. I’m happy for her if she feels she’s broken down walls and is healing and all that good stuff, but she needs to rein it in. And also, if you’re truly healed that much, you wouldn’t be so unstable about it all – did you see that video message? Yikes. OK Enough bagging on her. She’s a nice gal and has clearly been through a lot. But she needs to slow the shit down.

Sean tells her they’re going to swim through a cave to a private beach and you can almost see the panic on her face, as she again equates this experience to being abandoned. Umm, he’s not going to abandon you while swimming in a cave on national TV. On the other hand, if he sticks with you and helps you through the swim and is an awesome guy---that does not mean he’s going to marry you. At all. These things are not related. That’s like me saying if my husband does the dishes Thursday night, he will not bang his assistant someday. Unrelated.

“Do I get a floatie? Haha. OH WAIT YOU’RE FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT THIS CAVE THING?”

They start swimming and this is when I know Sean is going to dump her this week. She says, “Do you know where we’re going in there?” and he says, (pause pause pause), “Ummm….no.” You can just hear how annoyed he is. He can’t put up with this anal-retentive shit his whole life. I’m not one to bag on organization, but this chick is rigid. She needs to relax a bit.

She says, “I don’t do caves.” Ummm, do ANY of us do caves? No. It’s vacation, lady. Sean’s not asking you to cave swim every day. She’s freaking out… let me guess. She’ll survive the three-minute cave swim and realize she’s had a major breakthrough. Yup – she claims it was “life-changing”. Oh boy.

At dinner, he gives her the fantasy suite card as she pretends she wouldn’t bang him. He says, “I just want to stay up all night talking. Oh and by ‘talking’, I mean ‘rubbing my penis’”. She ends the date by saying, “I will spend the rest of my life with this man.” Part of me thinks she’s right. Even when he’s married to Lindsay, she’ll be camped out in a tree in the front yard sobbing.


Catherine Date 

This chick wins huge points with me because she’s the only one wearing flats. I mean, we’re on a beach in Thailand, ladies – why the wedges?

Sean claims he loves spending time with Catherine and he knows that’s an important part of finding someone. Fuck you. You THINK? God, we’re all dumber for having seen this. May God have mercy on our souls.

They head out on a boat ride, and I’m pleased to hear Catherine call her sisters jealous, and say that they were, in fact, humongous bitches. Those chicks blew and I’m glad Catherine’s not blind to it.

Side note: snorkeling terrifies me.

They make out in the rain and Sean claims he can’t imagine doing what they did today with any other girl. Umm, you mean make out in the water? Cause you did that. With all the girls. All day…so three girls. All of them.

 Ummm, also dangerous! Get off the damn water, people! 

They head to dinner where she also accepts the fantasy card suite and spends the night rubbing Sean’s penis.


Rose Ceremony 

Sean gets ready and talks to Smitty and is downright terrified to send AshLEE home. Holy crap, I hear you, brother. For some reason, I see this elimination coming from a mile away. He is freaking out and rightfully so. This is going to be a stage 5 breakdown. He says, “I’m worried she won’t be okay when this is over.” Ummm, yes, that’s a valid concern.

Smitty makes it even more brutal by saying to the ladies, “One of you will be on a plane back to the United States tonight, and Sean will be proposing marriage to one of you next week.” I mean, was that necessary, Smits? The girl is going to freak the fuck out. Way to add fuel to the crazy fire.

He gives roses to Lindsay and pause, pause, pause…DO IT ALREADY, aaaand one to Catherine. AshLEE looks pissed off. PISSED OFF. She storms out. He says he wants to explain himself, but only says to her, “This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.” Umm, no, not really, that doesn’t really help at all, but thanks.

She is pissed and holds it together, but then it really starts to come down in the car. I’m legitimately worried this chick will never recover.

Next week is Women Tell All and the following week is a mind-numbing three-hour finale. For the love…three hours?

13 comments:

  1. This is seriously one of your best ever.
    Thank you for making me spit my diet coke out at work!!

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  2. Thank you for existing because, for real, I just do not have the attention span to sit through this week's episode. Now I know what happened and I can move on with my life. I'm really just in this for the Women Tell All episode so we can see them trash Tierra.

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  3. This is, by far, my favorite Bachelor recap you're ever written! I am dying laughing at work right now!

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  4. ROCK ON, Jenn! You totally crack my azz up!

    I don’t get his fascination with Lindsay. Her mousy voice annoys the piss outta me. She sounds like she’s frickin’ 12 years old. I expected her to come out in a cheer outfit and sing and dance to “call me maybe” at any moment! I would never hit a female, but she made me want to punch her. But, then again I wouldn’t as I’d risk busting one of those huge zits. It have been awesome if Sean had gotten her to eat the bugs, and then kicked her off saying, “Glad you did that for me and all, but I’m not sticking my tongue or anything else in that bug-trap mouth of yours…EVER! See ya…”

    If AshLEE would have just learned to SHUT UP, she would still be there! She’s got a rockin’ hot bikini body and smile. She could have just been the pretty trophy wife. I didn’t like the damn monkeys, either! I kept waiting for one of them to fling POO at them! I sure the heck wanted to! They freakin’ said “love” NINETEEN TIMES! (Sean, 5; AshLEE, 14). And, I don’t think I could stomach hearing “broken” and “walls” even one more time. I wanted to crawl under your sofa, too!

    Catherine strikes me as being too independent and goal-oriented. She’s not going to remap her entire life, which she surely has already planned out, and move to Dallas to live Sean’s life. She’ll be the one to dump him right now, while they’re playing these episodes leading up to the finale. It also annoys me that when they have a serious talk, she NEVER looks him in the eye. She always looks off somewhere else. And STUPID-AZZ producers! So, there’s lightning all around the boat and they’re standing next to the wet lightning rods (aka mast) kissing. I’m not a weather expert or anything, but when my kid was in youth baseball we had to evacuate the entire facility when lightning was even 10-15 miles away! A dead Sean sure would have pissed us all off, making us sit through a whole season for nothing!

    Nice Disney ad during this QUALITY family show…asshats.

    So, the nerdy multiplication bit at the end between Sean and Christine sold me on Catherine. But, barely. Between her and Lindsay, I guess she’s prolly the better choice. At least SHE’S already hit puberty.

    Thanks for your recap. You are da bomb, as always!

    B2

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  5. ROCK ON, Jenn! You totally crack my azz up!

    I don’t get his fascination with Lindsay. Her mousy voice annoys the piss outta me. She sounds like she’s frickin’ 12 years old. I expected her to come out in a cheer outfit and sing and dance to “call me maybe” at any moment! I would never hit a female, but she made me want to punch her. But, then again I wouldn’t as I’d risk busting one of those huge zits. It have been awesome if Sean had gotten her to eat the bugs, and then kicked her off saying, “Glad you did that for me and all, but I’m not sticking my tongue or anything else in that bug-trap mouth of yours…EVER! See ya…”

    If AshLEE would have just learned to SHUT UP, she would still be there! She’s got a rockin’ hot bikini body and smile. She could have just been the pretty trophy wife. I didn’t like the damn monkeys, either! I kept waiting for one of them to fling POO at them! I sure the heck wanted to! They freakin’ said “love” NINETEEN TIMES! (Sean, 5; AshLEE, 14). And, I don’t think I could stomach hearing “broken” and “walls” even one more time. I wanted to crawl under your sofa, too!

    Catherine strikes me as being too independent and goal-oriented. She’s not going to remap her entire life, which she surely has already planned out, and move to Dallas to live Sean’s life. She’ll be the one to dump him right now, while they’re playing these episodes leading up to the finale. It also annoys me that when they have a serious talk, she NEVER looks him in the eye. She always looks off somewhere else. And STUPID-AZZ producers! So, there’s lightning all around the boat and they’re standing next to the wet lightning rods (aka mast) kissing. I’m not a weather expert or anything, but when my kid was in youth baseball we had to evacuate the entire facility when lightning was even 10-15 miles away! A dead Sean sure would have pissed us all off, making us sit through a whole season for nothing!

    Nice Disney ad during this QUALITY family show…asshats.

    So, the nerdy multiplication bit at the end between Sean and Christine sold me on Catherine. But, barely. Between her and Lindsay, I guess she’s prolly the better choice. At least SHE’S already hit puberty.

    Thanks for your recap. You are da bomb, as always!

    B2

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  6. I haven't watched it yet, but after reading you and RS, that's all I really need!!!!

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  7. Seriously the best blog on The Bachelor. Gawd can we go drinking together? lol lol. Maybe I will do a Bachelor grand finale party at my house ... Fly to Vancouver Hun ... We will all laugh are asses off.

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  8. I just found your blog and it's officially the best thing ever. Wine definitely came out my nose due to excessive laughter. I'm on way to reading all your past blogs. Thanks for being awesome!!

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  9. I just came across your blog and it's officially the best thing ever. Wine definitely just came out my nose due to excessive laughter. I'm probably going to stay up all night reading all your old posts. Thanks for being awesome!!

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  10. If Sean chooses Catherine, she will eventually become bored silly with his blandness, and her fiestiness will be too much for him. He may have fun with her, but I don't think Sean would enjoy that on a consistent basis. He would bore her to tears in no time at all.

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  11. This is your best recap so far(or at least this season). Definitely made my horrible day 100% better :)

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  12. "Part of me thinks she’s right. Even when he’s married to Lindsay, she’ll be camped out in a tree in the front yard sobbing."
    Seriously true.

    Good recap. I laughed a lot! Thanks!

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  13. I heart this. Oh my god this is good, like the thoughts I was having except organized and funny. The best part of watching this show is talking all the shit (and whiskey) xo xo

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