Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Bachelor Recap - WHO LIKES THE OUTDOORS, DAMMIT!

OK People, this won’t be my longest recap, so don’t email me saying, “I can’t believe you forgot to mention Selma making a hand job reference when demonstrating goat milking!” (Muslim mommy must have loved that one). If you think about it, if I mentioned EVERYTHING that was ridiculous about this show, this would be a thesis every week. It almost is already. But with four hours this week, and another recap to write tomorrow, Mama’s gonna keep this one short. Plus it was stupid, so that helps.

Eleven girls left and three dates this week: the one-on-one, the group date, and the dreaded two-on-one. Smitty tells them they’re heading to Montana because Sean is a country boy. Also, the Bachelor is cheap these days so no Fiji for you. Here goes nothing…


Lindsay Date 

Sean says he likes to camp and canoe, so Montana will test some of the girls. Fuck, and me too. I’m athletic, I guess, but I want no part of camping and canoeing. A million bucks says none of these chicks do either, so it becomes a game of “who can ACT like they like camping” the best.

Lindsey, the 24 year-old substitute teacher from Missouri, gets the first one-on-one date. She’s recovered nicely from the horrific wedding dress incident of night one, but there’s something off-putting about her mouth. The whole date takes three minutes – they fly in a helicopter and sit on a blanket, then sit by a fire and make out. Sean asks her a question and she answers it and then sticks her tongue in his mouth. The end.

Really, there wasn’t much more. Sean comments to her that he had so much fun today with her. Ummm, sitting on a blanket? That was “so much fun”? Did you finger bang her under that blanket? Receive a hand job I missed? Oh wait, that wouldn’t be fun either, really.

They end the night making out on a platform with the entire city of Whitefish watching. Awww, romantic. Super special.


Group Date 

The awesome group date this week is for Selma (spicy Iraqi), AshLEE (control freak organizer), Desiree (bridal stylist chick, bubbly-ish), Catherine (huh?), Sarah (one arm, sweet but a little boring, self confidence of a paper cup), Lesley (political chick, seems normal), Robyn (the lone surviving black girl) and Daniella (wasted Kesha).

Sean tells us he is making the girls compete in an obstacle course race. He says, “I don’t need an outdoorsman wife, but...well, wait, yes, I do. Apparently.”

Selma says he looks handsome today, but I’m not listening to her words because what the fuck is on her head? That does not scream “low-maintenance, outdoorsy wife”. Also, she looks like an Iraqi Kelly Ripa, no?


Also, I’m going to go out on a limb here, but I’m thinking AshLEE, the personal friggin organizer, doesn’t rough it too often. Just a hunch.

The obstacle course is an exhibition of humiliation. I mean, the canoe race is mind-blowing. When you’re in the back of a canoe and you’re going the wrong way, YOU SWITCH FUCKING SIDES, and start rowing on the other! For fucks’ sake. I know it requires you to pull the oar out of the water, but isn’t that kind of intuitive? I guess not. You can see Sean’s outdoorsy-wife fantasies flying out the window.

After some canoeing, hay-carrying, sawing and goat milking, the red team has to down a glass of warm goat milk to win the race. Somehow Desiree is forced to take this bullet for the team and wow, the chick can gulp. I DO wish it was goat semen, because that would have made THIS picture that much more disgusting.


Sorry, that was really gross.

Red team wins, so Desiree, Robyn, Sarah and Selma get to hang out with Sean more while the blue team heads home. However, soon after arriving at the bar, Sean decides that these four chicks aren’t exciting enough for him, so he invites the losing team to come, which is rude but awesome because it makes the red team come unhinged which is always fun to watch. Smitty delivers the news to the blue team in their hotel room and they’re ecstatic. This is how I know I’m too old for this shit. If I was snuggled in sweats about to go to bed and someone told me I had to get dressed up, put on makeup and go flirt with a guy, I’d be SO sad.

Tierra bitches that she’s being misled. THIS I don’t follow. How exactly? You DO KNOW you’re on a show where he dates lots of chicks, right? You have a date with him tomorrow. Chill the fuck out, you insecure pile of bitchiness.

She runs to find Sean so she can get the reassurance she needs. Sean, warning. I know you like her, but a chick that needs CONSTANT reassuring when you’ve been on two dates with her, is a bomb waiting to explode. This show is fucking chalk-full of mental health issues. I mean, for the love of God.

Speaking of mental health issues, Daniella starts to cry that Sean doesn’t pay attention to her. She sounds like my four year-old. Sean works to soothe her by saying nice things, but the only thing that makes her feel better is when they kiss. Ahhh, self-confidence. Sean gives her the rose from the date, which is an odd choice to me. Someone said that Sean seems to go to the dramatic chicks. He feeds right into the crying chick, the needy one, etc. That’s so true! And super annoying.


Tierra and Jackie Date 

Well, since they’ve showed the previews of Tierra being super cold in Tuesday night’s episode, we already know how this date will end. Not that I thought Jackie stood a chance anyway. Nice girl, kind of cute, but not much else going on.

Sean tells us he loves getting outdoors, so that’s what we’ll do today. FUCK WE GET IT. You’re soooo outdoorsy. We’ll call you Bear Grylls from now on. Geesh.

He says, “I really like both these girls!” Liar. You like Tierra. Or you want to get in her pants anyway.

They ride horses for a bit, have lunch in the wilderness and take turns sitting on a blanket and making out with Sean. Snooze. Jackie knows she’s about to go home. It’s no contest, right? So in her panic, she decides to bad mouth Tierra to Sean. Again, this never works. Why, WHY can’t they see it? It just shows how friggin insecure you are. Shut up. Man, I’m seriously going to create a document for chicks cast on this show. “How to behave on the Bachelor and how to pretend to be self-confident. Basically, how to lie to land a man. How to pretend to be something you’re not”….by Jen F. So it’s just a working title at this point.

They head into dinner and it’s super awkward and painful to watch. He soon gives Jackie the boot and then heads outside with Tierra to make out with her and watch fireworks. Lord this is slow tonight.


Cocktail Party

Highlights from the party:

• Desiree bitches to Sean about needing reassurance. She’s been normal-ish so far, but she is teetering on the edge here folks. She bitches a little about Tierra, but can’t back it up and it pisses off Sean. She needs to pull it together here or she’s out.
• Robyn hates Tierra, saying that she plays the “damsel in distress” role perfectly, and that’s pretty spot-on. She threatens to make it a “Bad Girls’ Club” and you can overhear the producers saying, “Oh yes, please? That would be AWESOME! Go go, do it! Slug someone!”
 • Tierra explains to Robyn in a screamy-rage that she’s a Scorpio, “I’m a scorpion! And my stinger comes out when I’m mad! Tierra MAD!” Sean walks by. He takes her outside and asks what is up. She explains that everyone is attacking her for no reason. He sits there. WHY the fuck doesn’t he say, “Look, I know girls are catty, but they can’t ALL be attacking you for NO reason.”
• He asks other girls why they hate Tierra so much and they all do a sucky job of throwing her under the bus. Why doesn’t anyone just say, “Dammit Sean! The bitch is full of drama and neediness! There’s always something that sets her off or makes her cry or something! She fell down a fucking flight of stairs, ten seconds before you walked in! I mean, did you see previews for tomorrow night? Bitch falls through a glacier or something!”
• Sean tells Smitty that he isn’t confident anymore that his wife is in that room. Well, that’s honest.


Rose Ceremony 

Lindsay, Daniella, and Tierra already have roses.

The others go to:

-Selma - 29, Real Estate Developer, San Diego. Selma’s cute but high maintenance. He won’t pick her because he’s not allowed to bang her on TV.
-Catherine - 26, Graphic Designer, Seattle. Wow, there is nothing exciting to say about her. I guess that means she’s normal.
- Lesley - 25, Political Consultant, Washington DC. She seems the most normal, but still has a personality. I’m not sure she’s Southern belle enough for Sean, but none of these chicks really are.
-AshLEE - 32, Personal Organizer, Houston. She seems sweet…I just don’t know if Sean sees a wife in there.
-Sarah - 26, Advertising Executive, Los Angeles. She’s a sweet girl. Really cute, and nice, but quiet and not all that exciting. Did I mention she only has one arm?
-Desiree - 26, Bridal Stylist, Los Angeles. Teetering on the edge of craziness.

Which means that along with Jackie, Robyn heads home. I guess he didn’t feel like taking a bite of her chocolate anymore. (See last week’s recap for explanation.)

See you next week, folks. Oh fuck, I mean, I’ll see you tomorrow.

10 comments:

  1. Sarah is not near hot enough to pull off the one-armed look, plus she's super insecure. How long is he contractually obligated to keep her around?

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  2. "Chill the fuck out, you insecure pile of bitchiness."

    HAHAHHAHA!

    Great recap as usual. Hang in there tonight Jen!

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  3. Looking forward to your document. But since most of them can't read...

    Sean really annoys me. He tells everyone he likes them or understands or on and on and on.

    Doesn't Seam know the signs from previous seasons? If all the girls complain about someone... RUN!

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  4. Were we all this dumb and pathetic in our 20's? I want to say I wasn't, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it.

    I had high hopes for Sean "getting it" after last week's Amanda booting. Apparently he's blinded by Tierra's large rack. How the hell can he not see how psycho she is?!?!

    And she's not even that hot, unless you're into botoxed Lurch faces perched atop an M-1 tank with elephant legs.

    Sean - here's a hint - tall thin chicks tend to stay that way after having kids. Short tree stumps tend to get thicker.

    He says he wants low maintenance yet he keeps the biggest drama bitch of the lot around. It's gotta be the producers calling the shots on this one.

    And why the hell can't any of these chicks just tell Sean she's a fatcunt (one word - the most offensive word imaginable to call a woman)? Just tell him he needs to see her when he's not around. Simple. Kacie might still be around if she had just told him that.

    I think Katie Holmes will get her shit together tonight and get back in the lead. She is my favorite and is one of the cutest, one of the smartest, and one of the nicest/bubbliest. Leslie is my #2 pick at this point.

    What's up with those rest of the seasons previews? It looks like he keeps FC around and she bails on him at the end - wtf is that all about?!?!

    Iraqi Kelly Ripa - classic! That's why you're the best Jen!!

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  5. Hey, you know the theory that men love bitches??? Proof right here on this show.

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  6. I was thinking the same exact thing about being in my sweats and then being told to go to a party. I would have been so bummed. I'm so old, too.

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  7. I was so sad for them that they had to get out of their sweats and go to the party! That would have been the worst! F**k, I am old!

    Iraqi Kelly Ripa!!!!! I thought I knew her from somewhere!

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  8. This weekend I found out that my cousin met Tierra a couple of years ago, when T-cunt was dating her boyfriend who has since passed, and I was disappointed to hear that she seemed normal.

    Long story short, my cousin was in college in so cal at the time and she & some of her friends traveled somewhere & stayed with Tierra & her bf. Apparently the bitch was normal and relaxed? But my cousin is also stuck-up and, sadly, reminds me of Tierra, so, really this story means nothing.

    Side note, the editing job during Jackie's dismissal was amazing-- that horrendously evil laugh from Tierra cut right into the middle of Jackie's weeping confessional reminded me of why I watch the show.

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  9. Also! Katie Holmes is cute and all, but does anyone else remember the season preview where her ex bf shows up and tries to sabotage her?

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  10. I had the same thought about being in sweats for the night. Once I'm in for the night, I'm getting dressed

    for no one. And putting on make up? Suck it. All of these girls will be the same way once the marriage

    certificate is signed so Sean better get used to it.

    I never understand why these girls think the man wants to know what girl they all hate. That never goes well

    for them. Remember when Jake did that on the Bachelorette? My only thought when I saw this was, this guy must

    be gay because no straight man would do that. I stand by that assessment to this day. But at least Jake

    waited until he got the boot. So why don't one of the girls who get the ax tell him straight up what a monster Tierra is!

    Matt Napier -- short tree stumps tend to get thicker? F--- YOU! For being right. Humph. [Sad face]

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