Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor Recap – You guys, don’t expect me to control my face, ALL the time

We’re down to six gals, which just feels good, like there’s an end in sight. We’ve got Lesley, Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay, AshLEE and Tierra-able.

The kids land in St. Croix and head to the Buccaneer, which could use some new curtains. The first one-on-one date goes to AshLEE. She claims every time she’s with Sean she gets carried about, not just physically, but emotionally. I dislike her for saying she gets emotionally carried away.

AshLEE Date

Their date is awesome – sailing, swimming and playing on a catamaran and then a private island. Awesome. There’s a lot of making out and a LOT (and I mean a LOT) of AshLEE discussing her abandonment issues. I get it and it’s sad, but she’s so DRAMATIC and serious about everything. I’m not sure how SUPER FUN this chick is to be with. Kind, sweet, caring? Yes. Fun, spontaneous and willing to do a keg stand at a Super Bowl party? Me thinks not. (and who DOESN’T want a keg-standing wife?)

Sean asks her about Tierra and she goes off! I mean, AshLEE has the balls to tell Sean that Tierra….wait for it…doesn’t say good morning! GASP! Sean says AshLEE is honest and he’s so grateful for the fact she warned him. “What the fuck?” Says Kacie, from her sofa at home. Kacie adds on, “That is such bullshit. I warned you about her weeks ago but somehow that made me the fucking catty asshole, but AshLEE does it and you’re so grateful, and proceed to feel her up on a yacht? Lame. Just because I was wasted and speaking drunk code, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have listened. Suck it Sean.”

AshLEE then calls Sean “her future husband”, and I begin to fear what will happen to these abandonment issues when Sean dumps her shit on a tropical beach in two weeks. Lord.

At dinner, AshLEE tells Sean she met a guy her freshman year in high school, married him her junior year and left him her senior year. Sean pretends he is totally okay with this information, which thrills AshLEE, so much, that she stands up on her chair and yells, “HELLO ST. CROIX!” Aaaaand, say it with me people: I’m under my fucking sofa. I mean, how embarrassing. Of course, it only gets worse when she yells, “I love Sean!” while staring directly at him. Ewww. I bet she’s the type of chick who wants to look her boyfriend in the eye while they’re having sex and tells him how much she loves him. Eeek.

Speaking of under my sofa, who caught this commercial? Jared jewelers? I mean, wow. Whoa.

Tierra Date 

Tierra’s date is the city date – when the couple strolls the streets of the local Caribbean town they happen to be at, while the guy buys the girl drinks, cheap jewelry and soap. She is NOT pleased about it. She’s worried about makeup dripping, bugs attacking and general sweatiness. This chick sucks so hard, but I have to agree with her 100% here. This date blows. Give me a yacht in the Caribbean, a pina colada, and a fucking fruit salad any day. Fuck this walking-around-exercise-culture shit.

Sean asks Tierra during the date about the other girls. She says things in the house still suck and she doesn’t regret the way she’s acted and wouldn’t change it. She’s not very perceptive, eh? This is when you do damage control, dumbass. You say, “I think I’m getting unfairly attacked, yes, but I do recognize I was a bit defensive and rude. I’m just not comfortable in this setting, blah blah blah.” This is going to be a chapter in my book about how to act normal and do well on this show. It’ll be called, “Chapter 9 – When you piss off other girls, here’s how to recover, and fool the Bachelor into thinking you’re not a complete psycho whore.” Again, it’s a working title.

They sit on a dock and make out a bit, when Tierra probably realizes she’s in deep shit here, and needs to do something drastic. So she tells Sean she’s falling in love with him. Ahhh, the Hail Mary.

Group Date 

Fuck, talk about the worst date ever. Here’s how it went:

4:42am – Sean wakes them up with a camera in their faces. Asshole.

5:27am – They are the first people in the US to see the sunrise. Desiree claims it was totally worth the 4:42am wakeup. Liar.

He tells them they’re going to road trip across the island, stopping in shitty treehouses and crap along the way, and will catch the sunset on the other side of the island. I mean, my god, what a horrible, long, miserable day.

10:34am – They are at a sugar mill. Here are all my notes from this portion: “They are at a sugar mill.”

12:16pm – They see a horse.

2:14pm – They see a treehouse.

3:47pm – Desiree “throws herself out there.”

They end at Sandy Point, where Sean has one-on-one time with all the girls after frolicking with them in the ocean. He talks to Lindsay first and basically says, “Wow, I like you so much more now than the first night when I thought you were a fucking crazy bitch.” He may have said it a little softer than that.

He talks to Catherine who tells him that her father tried to kill himself IN FRONT OF HER when she was just 14. Sooo, let me get this straight. In the ice castle, Catherine was looking for a good segway to tell Sean she was sooo ready to get married. So she tells him the story about her friend who was smashed by a tree. Somehow that clarified things to her (at, um, age 12), that all she wanted in life was a husband. Huh? But NOW she tells this story about her dad? Wouldn’t this make an easier segway? “My dad tried to kill himself, and that whole situation with my father made me realize how important it is to find someone I love who will raise kids with me in a wonderful, safe environment and not a volatile one.” It’s not rocket science, people. That being said………I DO feel horrible for her. Sad story.

Sean gives Lindsay the rose, which totally surprises me. I just don’t see them together – all they do is makeout and she giggles a lot. Anyway, they attempt to catch the sunset but they miss it, despite the fact they’re SITTING ON THE BEACH. This show is so annoying.

Lesley Date 

They go to some plantation and walk around. It’s like a big garden. They walk around. I mean, this sets new lows for Bachelor boredom on a date. She tells him very awkwardly that she likes him, their slow progression and their mad chemistry. Huh? They’re awkward. Then they pick fruit. Then they walk. The end.


Sean’s sister Shay flies to St. Croix to give Sean advice. He says that she has a husband and kids, so she’ll be a good person to talk to. Shay doesn’t give a shit about helping Sean – this chick is just STOKED that she gets an all-expenses-paid trip to the Caribbean without her annoying kids and husband tagging alone. That’s heaven, she says, as she drinks her pina colada and pretends to care what Sean says. “I really like these girls, I can picture all of them as my wife.” “Sean, I don’t give a flying fuck, where the hell is that waiter? Guacamole and a Mai Tai, please!”

She decides to give Sean a couple sentences of advice before she gets back to tanning, and tells Sean to watch out for the chick that none of the girls like. Even if they have sparkle.

Meanwhile, Tierra and AshLEE are having it out in the hotel room. It’s just a bunch of catty bitching and yelling. It sounds like this:

Tierra: “I can’t control my fucking face! My eyebrow is out of control! I know it makes me look insane! I CAN’T HELP IT!”
AshLEE: “Wassup with you crazy bitch anyway.”
Tierra: “I HAVE SPARKLE GODDAMMIT! My parents even said so.”
AshLEE: “You’re not nice. Also, you’re a complete shitbag. What a terrible person you are.”
Tierra: “MEN LOVE ME!”
AshLEE: "Anything else you'd like to say?"
Tierra: "DAMMIT, you're making me sweat. I HATE SWEATING!"
AshLEE: “How is it that I lived in abusive foster homes and shit, and I turned out much more normal than you?”
Tierra: “I’m done with this conversation! I must viper you!”

Sean leaves Shay to fetch Tierra because he wants his sister to figure out if she’s as crazy as everyone thinks. By the time he gets to the hotel, Tierra is in shambles. Again. She’s crrrrrrying, saying she can’t deal with this. This is so hard. Waaaaaaaaa. Sean walks around in a circle outside for awhile and then comes back in and tells Tierra to get the hell out. Again, he softens the language a bit. He says he’s crazy about her but this is too hard for her and he doesn’t want her to be so unhappy. This is a bit pussy of Sean. Just say, “Look, I liked you a lot, but this is all just too dramatic for me. There’s always something going on with you, and I think I’m just done. It’s just changed how I feel.” But he pussies out. Pussy.

Sean says, “I think the world of you.” She replies, “Obviously not enough.” I agree with her on this one. Shut up, Sean. If you thought she was so awesome, she’d still be there. You took her sparkle away.

Rose Ceremony 

Lindsay already has a rose and the three others go to Desiree, Catherine and AshLEE. This means Lesley is going home. There just wasn’t a spark there (not to be confused with sparkle). Catherine is oddly torn up about it, saying that her beliefs are shattered in what he wants, because Lesley is much cooler than her. It’s a little…weird. AshLEE, on the other hand, claims that the rose she received tonight means she can trust Sean and that he is her husband. Love conquers all. Oh man, this is about to become an epic goodbye. I fear for that one.

Previews for next week look promising – the hometown dates are always a horrific glimpse into Middle America. They show Desiree’s dickhead brother fighting with Sean, and it dawns on me that these are the previews we saw waaaay earlier in the season and we were meant to believe Desiree’s ex-boyfriend came back to fight for her. Nope, it was just her rude ass brother.

I strongly predict he says goodbye to Catherine next week, and that Desiree and AshLEE will be the final two. See ya peeps.


  1. As soon as saw AshLEE doing the "Hello St Croix" thing I was hoping you might comment on it. *shudders*

  2. As soon as saw AshLEE doing the "Hello St Croix" thing I was hoping you might comment on it. *shudders*

  3. I actually kind of agree with Desiree's brother in the preview of what he says. Think about it, this guy is about to have sex with your little sister, then sleep with 2 other girls the next day, and everyone is just supposed to smile and be cool about it. The scene does look super awkward, but at least there is someone calling this for what it is.

  4. First, if AsHLEE is a cougar then send me on a one way trip to cougar town! Yeah I'm married but even my wife thinks she's hot. I think that Tierra should be the next bachelorette for sure. Think of how amazing that show would be. I thought that when Sean was walking Tierra to the minivan when he launched her, he should've been rolling with her folded up cot so she'd have somewhere to sleep. This shit is getting good!

  5. Thank god he finally got rid of the house drama llama. Every time she referred to Ashlee's age, I wanted to kick her down a flight of stairs. I almost want them to come back in a few years and interview her and be like, "So, still think 32 is ANCIENT, you whore?"

    I am super sad about Lesley going, though. I love her. She just seems like a sane, intelligent woman, which happens like, every 6 seasons on this show and that girl ALWAYS gets sent home. Stupid ass Sean. Like Lindsay is a better option...

    1. Team Lesley for the next bachelorette!!! All the way. Such a classy lady. It was sad to see her go. Big mistake Sean!

  6. it probably takes about an hour to go from on end of the island to the other!

  7. This is one of your best ones! Thanks for the enjoyment. Can't wait for you and RS every Tuesday.

  8. This season is going really fast! I don't even know the names of 3 of the 4 girls yet. I never thought I would say this but, they need to slow down and give us some more time to get to know the girls!
    Anyway, I really wish he had kept Tierra. I want to see her family and try to figure out what has caused her to be so freaking crazy. Seriously, this girl is mental. Oh well...

  9. I love your recaps - I look forward to reading them every week! However, I'm not sure I agree with you that Sean pussied out in the way he sent Tierra home. If he had been honest with her, as you suggested, most likely she would have had another nuclear meltdown. The way he did it is, I think, the best way to handle someone who is as emotionally unstable as Tierra.

  10. For the one on one date with Tierra she kind of reminded me of how whiny Selma was every time something involved going outside. The bugs, her makeup, you name it. I say be grateful because you’re on an all expenses paid trip to St. Croix. So she pretends she’s having an awesome time and she totally is not good at it which really got on my nerves. I was just waiting for the part where she goes off on AshLee in the preview clip I saw in my office. Someone was bound to tell Sean the truth about how she was acting without holding back and finally get through to him. It serves you right Tierra. My prediction is that he will pick Catherine.

  11. I will miss Lesley too. She was my favourite. I would love it if she were the next Bachette (please ANYONE over EMILY AGAIN!)

    We will see how the rest plays out. I hope any future contestants on this show have learned that they shouldn't throw the house bitch under the bus unless she is ASKED to a la AshLEE.

    1. Lesley cannot make eye contact with one guy, let alone 25!!! No way will she be the next bachelorette. I predict Des will be!

  12. Jen thank you once again! Yes, good that AshLee only shared frank actual behavior in response to Sean' query re Tierra, but doesn't anyone else work, you know, with teams of people or watch Survivor? She should have gotten all the other women to commit to telling Wean the exact same story, and way earlier. Surprised I can actually think straight candidly, as my mind is still wandering around AshLee's top 5 Bachelor bikini bod, I mean really, Sean must be thinking about the statuesque athletic kids with excellent posture they could have together.

  13. Did you see that Tierra is already engaged to someone else?? http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20673946,00.html

  14. no way is catherine going home! he loves her fun loving spirit. i predict ashlee goes and cannot wait to see her dramatic exit.