Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – A mess of tank tops and flesh-colored leggings

Peach leggings, men wearing lady-tanks and serious mental instability…what more could a blogger ask for?


Group Date 

The first group date goes to Chris (Mortgage Broker from Seattle), Brian (Investment Advisor, Loud Talker aaaand general dirt bag), Drew (overly soft marketing dude from Scottsdale), Michael (Federal Prosecutor who seems out of place), Brooks (flat teeth, cool-guy hair), Brad (Accountant, child-hider), Mikey (Mob Plumber but sweet guy), Brandon (cray cray cray cray cray), Zack K. (Book publisher. No really, who the fuck is this?), and Ben (Single Dad everyone despises for talking to Desiree?).

They head to a gym where they are forced to play dodgeball with extremely serious dodgeball dudes. They throw that ball HARD and I know I would cry if I was ever hit like that. But I keep thinking how AWESOME it would be if they played this on the Bachelor and all the chicks were nailed that hard. Wouldn’t that be amazing?

The dodgeball commissioner says, “We’ve been invited here today to teach you how to play our game.” This can be translated as, “I just want to make it clear we did not ASK to be here and be associated with this show. We are being paid to be here.”

After some training and probably a lot of pain that none of these dudes will admit to, they head to the Grove, an outdoor mall in LA that looks like Disneyland’s Main Street. The dudes are split into two teams and the winning team gets to hang with Des at the after-party. The red team is Mikey, Michael, Brooks, Chris and Brandon. The blue team is Ben, Drew, Zack, Brad and Brian. Drew makes the winning kill in game one and I sense by his extreme excitement, this might be the first time any male-oriented physical competition has been a positive experience for him.

Tiebreaker game – Brooks breaks his finger and I bet this hurts like a mother fucker. I’m not quite sure why we need an ambulance, though? Or the oxygen through his nose? Then he says that he passed out while “resetting” the broken finger, which almost makes me vomit. I want to make fun of him for being such a pussy – it’s just a finger – but I bet it’s insanely painful. Of course I was in labor for about six seconds and had one contraction and begged for that goddamn epidural so I’m no spokesperson for high pain thresholds.

I don’t even know who wins, but Desiree says, “I’m taking all of you to the after-party! Weee!”

Highlights from the after-party:

• Brad confesses to his ownership of a three-year-old son. He also confesses to a prior domestic violence charge. Maaaaaybe he could have kept that part to himself, no? Also, there’s a drug-crazed baby mama involved, so that’s not SUPER appealing for Desiree, you know?
• Mortgage Chris wants to make an impression so he takes her to the roof of this building to which she is overly impressed. “Wow! A building! A roof, oh my god Chris, you’re kidding me! Wow!” He says, “Let’s sit here”, and points to a stoop. She replies, “OH my god, are you kidding me? Here?” And he says, “Uh yeah, it’s a stoop, so yeah.”
• Brooks is back and the Bachelor people play hero-like music as he steps out of the limo, still in his 80’s athletic gear.
• Chris’ rooftop move apparently does make an impression and Des gives him the rose, which is awarded by a special private concert from Kit Earl. I know that’s not her actual name, but again, I have no idea who this is so I like butchering the random bands’ names all season. Also, the concert is super awkward as there is just a random woman screaming in a microphone three feet from them as they make out.


Fake Girlfriend 

Des is sitting quietly at her rental house with a camera in her face, while she writes in her journal while wearing waaaaaay too much makeup. The phone rings and she walks over to the phone. “Hello?” “Hi, this is a Bachelor producer and I just wanted to tell you we fired your stylist and you need to get those god awful pink leggings off your legs stat. Nobody should wear those. Nobody. Ever.”

Smitty tells Desiree that Brian has a girlfriend and to meet him at the guys’ house and she’ll confront him. To which she replies, “OBVIOUSLY.”

She pulls Brian outside and asks him if he has anything to say to her. Is he hiding anything. Is he really ready to date. Blah blah blah. If Brian doesn’t see an ambush coming from a mile away, he needs a kick in the face. Girlfriend walks in (and Desiree makes the incorrect decision to hug her. Girlfriend doesn’t want to hug you, dumbass). Anyway, I don’t believe gal pal for a second. She is literally the worst actress of all time. Why would she say, “What about Donovan, MY SON” three times? He knows it’s your son.

In a nutshell, she says they are still together and humped the night before he left for the show. Also, she thought he was just in Los Angeles for a three-month business trip (Totally normal). Also, she threw rocks at his face once.

Despite the fact these two are destined for a few domestic violence charges, if these two actually DID make it to May 11th, what was Brian thinking would happen when the show aired? So yeah, I’m thinking this is all fake. Anyway, Brian heads home.

Brandon. Wow, let’s discuss Brandon. He is especially upset by the Brian mishap because he was like Donovan at one point – the poor son of a single mom who loved the men mom brought home because they were finally a dad for him. But he’d wake up one day and they were gone, so he’s been abandoned a lot and can sympathize with poor Donovan. He cries. I’m torn here. I mean, he’s cried a lot. He claims he’s in love with Desiree (on episode three) and he’s clearly a total pussy so my urge to make major, major fun of him is overwhelming. But he’s also seriously, seriously in need of major therapy. I mean he literally said, “I don’t want anyone to leave me anymore”. He needs to figure some of this heavy shit out before he captures dates a girl. He’s not in love with Desiree – he wants her to be the thing that will never leave him. If she DID pick him, he’d freak the fuck out if she went to get a pedicure (WHERE are you going? You’re coming back right? There are no guys there, right? You still love me? DID YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU STILL LOVE ME!!?”) So yeah, he needs to straighten some shit out.


Kasey Date 

Reminder – Kasey is the Advertising guy who insists on speaking in hashtags. OK he didn’t do that once this episode, but he did it multiple times on the first night and I can’t just block out all memory of such dorkiness. Anyway, this is, by far, the weirdest date in Bachelorette history. I blame a lot of this on Kasey’s total lack of sex appeal but I blame more of it on Desiree’s lack of ability to make light of situations, and just be fun in general. My overall feeling on this lady is that she’s probably nice, smart-ish, friendly and would make a nice wife. But she’s just not all the exciting and interesting. Her personality is fine, but just…blah.

Anyway, Desiree and Kasey go to a building in LA to hang from it and “dance.” It looks miserable for them and they give up quickly. They try to hang out on the rooftop but it’s too windy. They make the stupid decision to swim but it’s too cold. They try to kiss in the pool but the Bachelor people will only play funny Muppet-like music, so even that seems ridiculous.

Desiree says, “This date isn’t going how I wanted it to but it’s not Kasey’s fault.” That’s right – it’s your fault. Make some jokes, laugh about it, make the producers take you somewhere more fun. I don’t know – just do something. She gives him the rose saying, “I’ve had such a great day with you.” Huh?


Group Date Number Two 

Date two is for Dan (Dammit who the hell IS this?), James (Meatheady-type guy from Chicago, but actually seems sweet), Juan Pablo (hot-ish, but come on), Bryden (my current fav, war vet) and Zak W (shirtless welder? Oil driller? Something like that).

Ah, the cross-promotion date with the movie peeps of the Lone Ranger (coming soon to theaters near you). They participate in a fifteen minute cowboy boot camp to learn how to do such manly cowboy things as how to walk in tight pants, spin a rope over their head and how to throw a fake punch. Whoever can do such things the best wins a special screening of the Lone Ranger movie in a stinky barn on a comfortable wood bench for two hours. Fun!

The guys all do a little cowboy skit and Juan Pablo wins because he speaks Spanish, which somehow works for Desiree. Let’s be honest – she just wants to bang him. She knows damn well she’s not marrying Juan Pablo.

During the movie, he picks popcorn off her boob and she totally makes the first move to kiss him. See?

After-party highlights:

• How many times did she say, “I love this whole group of guys!” No you don’t. There’s Brandon? And the Prosecutor guy? Come on.
• Bryden is my favorite. Yes, even with that hair. He’s so sweet and I dig that ridiculous laugh, but somehow despite that, he’s still a man’s man. But not overly meat-head-ish. I love him. But I really wish he’d make the first goddamn move and kiss her.
• Zak tells Desiree that she has positive energy and gives great feedback. Huh? Like, “Thank you for this one-on-one time, Zak. I found your conversation to be light and easy with a touch of maturity and not too many awkward pauses. Well done.”
• Big James tells Desiree he wants to make sure she’s into him so he’s not wasting his time. But he does it with a little more tact than that. She gives him the rose. I like him! Too overly muscled for my tastes, but he’s so nice. I can’t quite see them married, but I dig him.
• Desiree says, “To me, the rose symbolizes more time.” Almost simultaneously, James says, “To me, the rose symbolizes our feelings are the same.” Mmmm, I sense trouble.


Pool Party 

Desiree decides to have a pool party instead of a cocktail party, which sounds fun, sure. They attempt to break the record for the most meatheads that have ever fit into one hot tub. Ben and his ridiculous fucking tank top steal her away on a drive first, and he asks her to keep it a secret. Seriously, I can’t get over the tank top. Is it fucking Michael Stars? James Perse? Not for a DUDE. Take it off.

"Shhh, don't tell anyone how gay I am in this tank top."


Anyway, the guys are oddly furious with Ben for this. I get it’s a little annoying, but they really hate him for it. Personally, I hate him much more for that tank top. Michael, Federal Prosecutor guy, says, “I just hate being lied to, I can’t unscramble that egg.” Say what? I don’t understand this statement so I try it out on my husband. He walks into the kitchen for some water, during the show: “Babe, can you unscramble my egg?” He stops… “What the fuck? Is that sexual? Then yes!” Perhaps I used it incorrectly.

Brandon pulls Desiree aside and tells her he’s falling in love with her, he’d never take her for granted and that she consumes his mind. So yeah, that wouldn’t scare off anyone.


Rose Ceremony 

Please don’t say she designed that dress.

James, Kasey and Chris already have roses, and Brian has already gone home. The remaining roses go to:

-Bryden – My current favorite. The war vet. Hot, yet sweet. Definitely man-on-top-of-me-naked material. Yum yum.
-Juan Pablo – Soccer player who Desiree has zero intention of marrying but she will certainly try to rub his penis a couple times before she gets engaged.
-Zak W – I’m so confused. He’s the shirtless oil driller, but now he seems all scared and pussy-ish. He’s kind of funny, kind of cute, sweet maybe…but is he about to rip off his shirt and oil his abs? I don’t know who this guy is.
-Brooks – Busted finger girl hair. Cute and likable. I see him going a long way. And yes, readers, I hear you: He might be a little gay.
-Drew - Too nerdy for me, but seems like a nice guy. Can’t imagine him naked on top of me. It would be very slow and fancy. No thanks.
-Zack K - I mean….he needs some airtime. Who? Book publisher what?
-Brad - Dad to three year old and sometimes violent towards drunk girls. But not proven.
-Michael – Federal Prosecutor who dislikes scrambled eggs.
-Mikey – Mob Plumber. Really nice guy, but I can’t see her taking him home - know what I mean? Sweet guy though. And fun. I bet he sweats a lot during lovemaking.
-Ben – Single Dad, seems really yucky now that I’ve seen him in that tank top. Guys hate him. He seems a little sleazy, but I’m not sure. I just will never get that tank top out of my head.

Therefore, she sends Brandon and Dan home. Dan is bummed and pissed that Ben got a rose over him, but I don’t sense Dan will be losing much sleep over this whole thing. Brandon on the other hand needs to be on a suicide watch. It’s actually quite scary – he’s so upset. This poor guy could be a good husband one day but he needs to figure shit out. I honestly think the producers probably warned Desiree about him. If she kept him a few more weeks he would have seriously, seriously lost his mind when she dumped him. (Dammit! Could’ve been fun.)

Desiree tells him that he’s a great guy, just not for her, and he says something like, “How do you know? We’ve barely talked.” Sooooo you’ve barely talked but you know you’re in love with her? He cries a lot and tells the Bachelor camera, “Once again, someone left me.” Uh oh.

Next week Desiree looks for “a love that can light the darkness”. Say what? I love my husband but that love has never been able to shine light in the shitter at night when I can’t see where the goddamn toilet is. See you next week.

15 comments:

  1. Lots of LOLs here! Of course you would mention the peach leggings, I was counting on it! I kept thinking HOW CRAZY it was that she was wearing those flesh colored things, but to her credit, they looked as good on her as peach leggings can look on someone.
    Not to split hairs, but Brad. He mentions that his son is 3. Then he mentions that the ex filed dv charges on him 3 1/2 years ago. SO....they continued their relationship after that and went on to have a child? Seems smart.

    ReplyDelete
  2. “Babe, can you unscramble my egg?” He stops… “What the fuck? Is that sexual? Then yes!” Perhaps I used it incorrectly.

    I'm dying here! OMG, this is too funny!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. "He’s not in love with Desiree – he wants her to be the thing that will never leave him" - Not only are you fucking hysterical, but you're fucking brilliant too.

    LOVE Tuesdays thanks to you!!
    Keep up the good work girl!

    ReplyDelete
  4. “Babe, can you unscramble my egg?” He stops… “What the fuck? Is that sexual? Then yes!” Perhaps I used it incorrectly.

    OMG! *spits out diet coke* HAHAHAHAHA!

    ReplyDelete
  5. On the Brad deal, if his son is 3 and this drama and drunkenness happened 3 1/2 years ago, was she drunk and pregnant and he hit her? This factoid is consuming me more than I can admit anywhere but here.

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1. Brad is gay. Like, SO gay. And has baby mama drama. Hot!

    2. The meathead is sweet, and reminds me of some of the guys on the Italian side of the family who are ridiculous, but would do anything for their family. I think I'm predisposed to like him, just not for her, really.

    3. I want to give Brandon a therapist's number because he seems so sweet and just super fucked up. Poor kid.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Flesh colored pants. At one point at first glance I thought she was naked. They would go great with Ben's tank...in hell.

    Also, the "girlfriend" was crazy. I keep thinking that maybe he was just totally sabotaged by his fatal attraction ex...and not one ounce of anything or anyone on his side. Set up for sure. Disposable Bachelor.

    Maybe they'll make Brandon the Bachelor...or better yet, Bachelor Pad. He could "never leave" Vienna.

    Doesn't matter anyway. I still can't unthink those stupid peach pants. The Emperor has no clothes!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love getting wrapped up in the bach and the blogs-> my "guilty/embarrassing pleasure"-
    just found your blog.
    YOU are too funny- no seriously, you made me laugh out loud (not an easy feat, I may add).
    Your husband's comment was a riot!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This season is such a total snooze-fest. Your blog and Kristen Baldwin's recaps on the Entertainment Weekly site are the only things keeping me tethered to this hot mess. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Where are all the men?!? I can't be the only designated wine-pourer reading Jen's blog - come on people!

    I liked the leggings - they were tight - I was a little disappointed she wasn't naked but I made up for it by imagining how Melisssa Rycroft would look wearing them.

    Brandon - I really hope the producers pay for his therapy - I fell sorry for the guy

    Juan-Pablo - no way in hell, high VD potential - run away Des

    Brooks - please get a hair cut ASAP

    Ben - sleazy trust-fund kid, reminds me of Kalon or whatever his name was - a certain wise blogger once warned us against the person who can't get along with others - Tierra anyone?

    Michael - stop obsessing over Ben and beat him at his own game - is it really that hard to wait for Des to show up? Good grief, dude - man up or go away please.

    Bryden - exactly how I was at 26 or 27 after 5 years in the Navy - military life is pretty black-and-white - dating women on national TV with 20 other dudes? pretty freaking gray - glad to see his sincerity is showing through the bad hair - ladies like fixing men's flaws anyway, am I right? He'll man up once he gets more comfortable - it's not fear preventing him from making the first move it's respect. I like how Des helps him out there - unlike Dr. Larry.

    Speaking of Dr. Larry - I love you Jen but you chicks have got to get over the obsession with Dr.'s already. You should have ripped him to shreds! Good lord his gay dip didn't work and he melts like a freaking estrogen-laced ice cube. What does he do in the ER when his first attempt to stop the bleeding fails? "Oh golly gee the band-aid was too small I guess I'll just watch the patient die while I take my lame-ass glasses off 13 times."

    C'mon Jen cowboy up already!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Soooo....Juan Pablo also has a three-year old daughter. That's why he stopped playing soccer. This is the year of hidden children.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Just found your blog, I will be coming back. I have a few observations of my own:

    1. Brooks totally looks like a poor man's Blake Shelton.
    2. Why the hell can't they have a chick with a personality on the show? Someone who will say sarcastic things and not be "America's sweetheart"? Hell, I will do it if they need someone!
    3. Why does she think that an evening gown has to have sparkles all over it? What are you, 8?
    4. Bryden can unscramble my eggs. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Those leggings had me very confused for a few seconds. She totally looked naked. Like in that thing they show before movies in the theater that tells you not to put your feet on the seat in front of you. Where are that guy's pants?

    I totally get why the guys hate Ben. He's such a bullshitter. Aggressively slimy. The tank is the least of Des' problems if she keeps him.

    Poor Brandon. He's exhibit A of what happens to boys when dad leaves and mom brings too many men around. Also, doesn't he look like Corey Feldman and "guard and protect" Kasey had a love child?

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can't believe that Des let the winners and losers go on the group date. Last season with Sean she went ape crazy because she drank goats milk to win more time and then he took the losers too. She needs a mirror!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Did anyone else notice Mikey picking his nose behind Brandon when he was pouring his pathetic heart about his moms boyfriends? At first I thought he had something in his teeth. Nope, Mikey was digging for gold!!!

    ReplyDelete