Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – I cried harder than Desiree. Get a grip, Jen.

I cried like a little bitch. I cried like a big bitch actually. Like a fucking baby, good lord.

Let’s dive in - Smitty says, “The television event of the summer starts now.” Well, THAT’s bold. And not correct. He should have said, “The television event that will make you cry like a fucking little bitch and then hate yourself for it…starts NOW!”

They’re in Antigua, which is gorgeous, but Desiree needs to hold on to that damn boat. At least she has her calves to weigh her down. WHOA, that was mean.

Side note: It’s pronounced “An-tee-ga”? I thought it was “An-tee-gwa?” I’m right, right? I can’t be dumber than Desiree, can I? Don’t answer that.

After an unnecessary recap of the entire season and the three remaining guys, we finally get to gay Drew’s date.

Drew’s Date 

Desiree says Drew is amazing, passionate and expressive. So yeah, gay.

I know I’m harping on the gay thing, but COME ON. Did he have gay for breakfast? He was oozing gay on this date. They drive around in a Jeep and stumble upon a party that I’m sure they had NO IDEA was going on and the party peeps didn’t expect them AT ALL. They dance around and Drew says he really thinks this is what it would feel like if they were married. I’ve been married seven years and I’ve never done the limbo with my husband. In Antigua. With a gay man.

Seriously? THIS is the best backdrop you could find?

Their dinner is rained out. I think Des angered the rain gods with those hideous pants, so they head right to the fantasy suite. She gives him the card and he spouts off some gay talk – “I’m ecstatic, I want to wake up with her in my arms”, etc. Yuckers. As always, Chris Harrison signed the card and adds the same PS that he always does: PS – As I do every season, I will be under the bed masturbating. Actually, I don’t want to see this one. Forget it.

Before they have gay dry humps, Desiree tells Drew how important it is for her to have a man who communicates well. Be careful what you ask for, lady. You’ve got an overly-emotional, girl-talker on your hands.

They turn off the lights and Drew moans once, just to convince us he’s actually able to get a boner with a woman. I don’t buy it.

Brooks in Idaho 

Why are they in Idaho? Isn’t his massive Mormon family in Utah? Anyhoo, Brooks goes to his mom and sister to get advice. I’m not sure why. There isn’t some huge mystery going on here.

He says when people ask if he loves Desiree, he can’t answer that and doesn’t know why. He also says the thought of proposing to her makes him uncomfortable. No really, why is this a fucking mystery? YOU DON’T LOVE HER. This ain’t rocket science, people.

He basically tells them he’s not all that hot on Desiree and they say to him that he’ll have to dump her. They said it with a lot more tact, and it took twenty minutes longer than I just did, but you get the drift.

Chris Date 

What the hell is she wearing? Pants, a bikini top and some beaded/shredded shirt? Did she buy that from the leaf sewer at the Shirley’s peak party?

They take a helicopter ride, but before they get on, Chris tells us he’s afraid of heights but he’ll be fine as long as Desiree is with him. Uh, yeah, that pussiness is super attractive. It ranks right up there with nose adjustment.

You don’t have to duck when you get out of a helicopter, dork.

They stop on an island, have a picnic and the producers make them write shit in the sand. They roll around on the sand and make out, and Chris says he’s having feelings of love. Desiree says she feels as if she’s been dating Chris for a long time, which is the kiss of death.

At dinner, she manages to ask Chris about the future, despite the noise from the random Antiguan squeaking crickets. He manages to spit out the fact he wants to stay in Seattle. She says she’d move there, although I sense she wants no part of Seattle. She only agrees to it because she thinks she’s marrying Brooks.

Chris says that Desiree makes him feel “vibrant”. Fuck, are they all gay?

She gives him the fantasy suite card and he says he’d like to use it so they can watch the stars together all night. Yup, gay.

And if that’s not the gay nail in the coffin, this is: He says his favorite way to express himself to Desiree is through poetry. For the love…

Brooks and Smits 

Brooks says to the Bachelor camera that everything in his head tells him this is right, but his heart doesn’t feel the same way. He says that he can’t pinpoint why he doesn’t feel crazy in love with her. Smitty comes to talk to him and he is NOT happy with Brooks. He takes an hour to tell Chris he’s not in love with her. He says everything has been great and fun, but he can’t say she’s the love of his life. Seems pretty easy-to-understand to me. Not to Smitty…

Smitty isn’t pleased and asks him to clarify – “Are you telling me you’re not sure or that you aren’t in love with this woman?” He says, “Hmmm, I don’t know.” Brooks…I’m on your side here, but you’re not making this easy on me. JUST SAY YOU DON’T LOVE HER. Geesh.

He finally spits it out – “I don’t think Des is the love of my life.” To which Smitty annoyingly says, “What does it feel like when you’re in love?” He says, “Are you even READY to fall in love?” Geesh, Smitty. He’s usually the voice of reason, but he’s bugging me here. Here’s my take on this:

Brooks doesn’t love her, plain and simple. He likes her a lot, they have fun together and she has all the qualities he’s looking for…but guess what? HE DOESN’T LOVE HER. He’s not an asshole, he’s not trying to be a dickhead – he just doesn’t love her and thinks he should probably get out now because he doesn’t want to marry her. America is going to hate Brooks for this, but I think he’s more of a man for admitting it.

Does he have commitment issues? Maybe. Does he have unrealistic expectations of how he’s supposed to feel? Maybe. But he adamantly claims he’s ready for marriage – Des just isn’t the one. So anyway, all of that is between him and a therapist. For now, he’s doing the best thing he can – leave before it gets any later. He doesn’t want to hurt her, and he cares about her. Brooks won points in my book this episode, actually.

Smitty says, “I know you don’t want to hurt her, but as a man it’s the conversation you have to have.” Well, YES, he knows that, dude. That’s why he’s THERE. Can you give him a break please?

Brooks Date…I mean, Brooks dumping 

He hugs Desiree and already looks sad – she asks him what’s wrong and he takes her to a bench to talk. She’s already crying, as she knows what’s coming. Me? I’m holding it together for now.

He tells her that she’s wonderful and he is so happy around her, but when they’re apart he kind of forgets about her. He says the moments they’re away from each other aren’t hard enough. So yeah, maybe THAT’S not the best thing to say. This pisses me off since it’s so stupid. Yeah, you should miss your significant other when they’re gone, but maybe he’s just a happy guy, enjoys his friends and his life and isn’t the type to sit at home like a total pussy crying about missing her. This is the annoying sister putting unrealistic shit in his head.

He ends up saying that he WANTS to be madly in love with her, but he’s just not. She tells him she IS in love with him and keeps crying. He looks more distraught than she does. I guess that’s sweet but really dude, hold it together.

There’s a lot of talk about him breaking her heart and she just cries against his chest. This shit is sad, people. I’m crying and desperately trying to hide my tears from my husband.

Two commercials later and we’re still on the damn bench. And nothing new is really being said. She’s just super sad and he feels super guilty. They finally walk to leave and Brooks asks her what she’s going to do now, with Chris and Drew. She says she was only conflicted because she didn’t want to share her heart – she only wanted to give it to him. He responds with, “Sorry, I’ll shut up, not helping.” Aweeeeesome.

They FINALLY split up and she heads to the dock to cry and cry and cry. He’s now bawling in the trees too, saying it’s the worst day of his life, and he hated hurting her. Awww, I like him.

Desiree tells the camera that Chris and Drew love her, but she can’t love them as much and that’s not what they deserve. “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”

DRAMA, PEOPLE….DRAMA! For real, what’s going to happen? Don’t tell me if you know. She can’t get engaged to Drew or Chris now, can she? I remember seeing footage of them crying in a limo – both of them. So I bet she tells them both goodbye and that she needs time to figure it all out. Later, in the studio audience, she’ll say she went home, got over Brooks and got engaged to Chris. (It CANNOT be Drew, right?) Then she’ll say she watched the nose adjustment a few weeks ago and dumped him.

Shit, I don’t know. See you next week, for SURE. I’m sucked in, I admit it.


  1. None of this would've happened if she'd just kept Juan Pablo around. She could have been Jaun Pablo"ing" it in Antigua! Her gaydar is way off!

  2. Jen! I love your recaps! I can't wait to see what happens next week! Does Brooks come back? Does she marry Chris? Does Drew come out of the closet? Its all so exciting!

  3. Holy shit!! I can't believe I've watched this entire season thinking she would end up with someone. This show blows balls big time. Who cares who she pick's in the end. I'm sure she is broken up already.
    P.S. That girl has calves of steel!!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I think Brooks is so confused because he is gay! The other two are just nerdy, pussy. She sure knows how to pick em! Nice guys, but no, not layin on top of me naked! ;) It was over for me when she let Zak go. Big bummer.

  6. willyouacceptthisJuly 30, 2013 at 5:08 PM

    god, I like stalked your blog all day waiting for your post. Shit, I have got to get a life. girl trip to Vegas in October. Please say you'll come with...That all sounds so creepy. nvm.

  7. willyouacceptthisJuly 30, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    god, I like stalked your blog all day waiting for your post. Shit, I have got to get a life. girl trip to Vegas in October. Please say you'll come with...That all sounds so creepy. nvm.

  8. I want Brooks back. He is cute.

  9. Did anyone else flashback to their very first breakup with their very first boyfriend, whom you loved, but he didn't love you even though he liked you a lot and you had all the same qualities? No? Well... This is awkward. Let's just say all those years of counseling undone in an hour. Fantastic.

    Ok, I, too, felt like he was freaking out about the overnight. First I thought gay. Then I thought virgin.

    Then the longer it went on and how his demeanor changed when she said she loved him, I decided he was wildly insecure and terrified of rejection. Am I the only one who saw his wavering? Questioning himself. He's not leaving. He'll be back. Probably after Des sends the other two home.

    But, God. Do you really want a guy who says he's not crazy about you or can't ever see marring you? Or, the guy who's so insecure he can't even give it a shot, or have confidence in the relationship. I get that he's not "in love" yet. I think that's normal. (I also respect him for being honest. And normal. But, still, super-insecure.)

    I, too, blame the sister. I guaran-fucking-tee she isn't head over heels, dipshit bat crazy in love with her husband. To the contrary, she is crazy unhappy, and is jealous of anyone who might be happier.

    The whole lot of us needs counseling.

    1. I also love Jens blogs. I agree with the above comment. I think the sister has set up unrealistic advice. The guy was a mess! I'M confused! Brooks said he didn't love her because it didn't hurt enough, I think he hurt after that. And he also said he didn't miss her, I think he missed her immediately. I'm thinking he's going to comb out his hair and get his head back on and open his heart for the Hartsock to warm it up & keep it safe.

  10. holy crap. that was brutal.

    and, side note, i wish i looked that good when i bawled my head off.

    i never liked brooks until this episode, but that dude has balls. and integrity.

    smitty also bugged the crap out of me in this episode. i was surprised he didn't give brooks a hundred bucks just to finish the season out.

    i'm predicting brooks comes back. i don't know though. she can't go & get engaged to drew or chris.

  11. There is no way Desire can pick Chris or Drew after saying that she doesn't like them as much as she loves Brooks, and that Brooks is set above the other two or whatever she said.

    I think Brooks comes back. As soon as she told him she loved him he asked her why she didn't tell him earlier. Like he was saying that he felt differently knowing that she loved him?

    I don't know. But my guess is that she will end up with Brooks, maybe not engaged, but at least dating. And my second guess will be that Drew and Chris will realize their true feelings for each other and start dating. Seriously Chris, can we get a break from the poetry? Please?

  12. Awww... & tears too, but at least you found your very own cool guy w/ a great sense of humor, & yeah, even I can picture (from FB) your attractive hubs on top of you. ;-)

    Life's a bitch (or a bro) sometimes, but it's cathartic to let your feelings flow, for everyone.

    Don't ever get me started if it involves an animal or a child!!

    Another nice post, hugs to the babes, & see ya next week.

  13. “Did he have gay for breakfast?” You frickin crack me up! Drew is sweet and nice and good looking, but Des isn’t REALLY into him. Also, I wondered outloud how they managed to find a compost pile to take a photo in front of. What douches.

    You nailed it when you said Des only agreed to move to Seattle for Chris because in her mind she would be marrying Brooks. I’m agreeable like that with my husband all the time when I know he won’t follow through on something. It gives me points without actually earning them and I hold onto those until I’ve collected enough to cash in.

  14. Now that Brooks has left AFTER she professed her love for him to the whole US of A, accepting a proposal from Drew or Chris would make her look desperate and them like a consolation prize. Plus, I didn’t realize it until now but the show hasn’t done their usual promos for the proposal with shots of anonymous feet and hands so I’m guessing no proposal happens on the show.

    I’m calling it here and now – Des goes home without a proposal but we find out later that she and Brooks have seen each other after they go home. Neither one of them was ready to walk away from the other.

  15. This is actually the first time I could consider agreeing with Smitty that THIS is the most dramatic Bachelorette ever. And this is the first time when I actually felt really voyeuristic watching Brooks break up with Des. Ouch!

    PS We all noticed the calves so don’t feel too bad about being mean.

  16. Hi Jen,
    Openly gay Tom here :) I want to validate your remark on Drew...me and my BF are now 100% convinced Drew is gay after this past episode. We also feel that he didn't 'perform' in the fantasy motel with Des. But, he for sure 100% is gay, believe me I am an openly gay man who has been out of the closet for over 20 years, Ive meet 1,000s of gay men in my life as friends and I can put aside all doubts about Drew..he is GAY!
    Also me and my BF both think after this episode that Brooks is borderline/gay/bi he is very feminine, very girlishly like. Me and my lover are very surprised also this season that some type of "Rosyln event" didn't happen with a few of these men..like when she was having sex with a producer during Jakes season. As an openly gay man I can assure you that it is impossible for us to not want to get it on with a hot single Drew type man..And gay men can tell within minutes who is gay/ in the closet / or has gay tendencies. We are just shocked not man-man action happened this season..And this season at least 4-6 men are gay or swing both ways. But me and my BF think that some stuff did happen but the closet gay guys hid their actions..We are sure Drew and Micheal or Brooks got it on in a broom closet somewhere in the Caribbean.
    Anyway love your blog!

  17. You make my day Jen! Thanks for the always hilarious reviews where you say exactly what we are all thinking, but actually write it down. Fantastic.

  18. LovesTrainWrecksJuly 31, 2013 at 7:23 AM

    Is it such a bad thing that Brooks doesn't love her yet? It's only been a couple of months. I'd be more worried about someone who says he's in love with me after a nanosecond than someone who admits he isn't there yet. If he says he knows he'll never get there, that's a different story.

  19. I'm sure after Bachelorette Desiree is wishing she kept Juan Pablo too. How do you go from Bachelor Sean to Brooks, don't get it.

  20. OMG - I totally love you. Your recaps make my laugh out loud. I totally agree with another commenter... my thought is that Brooks is / was terribly insecure that she might not pick him. I think he is wildly in love with her despite what he said and was afraid to go all the way with her in the fantasy suite only to get dumped at the fake alter thing. She is going to let Drew and Chris go so they can be together and will totally marry Brooks. What a story to tell your grandkids! Can't wait for next week!!

  21. Yeah I'm going to bet a million dollars I don't have that Brooks comes back next week because he was crying like a baby after leaving. And she's definitely telling the other two she can't be with them because Brooks wah wah whatever. God. Stupid ass show.

  22. Did anyone notice the black thing that look like a bug on the back of somebody's shirt? Didn't hear a word he was saying because I couldn't stop staring at it.

  23. Usually I mock the Bachelors or Bachelorettes when they crying or being overly dramatic but I honestly felt it for Des. I just wanted to give her a hug and kept screaming at Brooks to leave like seriously why was he crying? Yes it's good he was honest and told her but my problem with him is that he should have done it sooner.

  24. she signed up for itAugust 1, 2013 at 9:18 AM

    am I the only one who didn't feel sorry for Des? Because she had done to her what she was about ready to do the other guys. The name of the game friends.

    1. I'm with "she signed up for it," you said it exactly right; she is going on and on about brooks breaking her heart. What about Chris and drew? I know it's the name of the game, but it's like she is not even thinking about crushing their heart. She led them on big time! I know somebody is always going to get a broken heart on the show, but come on des!! It's like me me me in that scene. You are about to do a double blindside here

    2. Love your humor. I can't stop laughing at you spin on the show. Seriously,
      you should write a book. I would buy it and I bet others would too.

    3. No, I was thinking the same thing. She's about to give out a double heartbreak and all "sweet, wonderfull, kind" des can dwell on is her on broken heart.

  25. Des seems to be quite clueless about a lot of things....her gaydar being off, Brooks not into her. I feel sorry for her, but she really is dumb as rocks.

  26. I actually kind of liked the ending because I thought Brooks was a little strange. If he has to keep asking his mother and sister what to do, he's not ready to be married anyway, he just thinks he should be ready. For all we know, Des was more into Chris than it seemed because (gasp!) producers edit footage of everything outside of personal hygiene breaks to create some compelling "story." And Des isn't that dumb. Whatever happens in her love life with or without Chris, her bank account is a lot healthier now.

  27. Well a lot of us were wrong, but she is more compatible with Chris. Think about it. They are both awkward, dorky, and into (obviously) poetry. Brooks would never have stayed. He wouldn't have made it to air date.

  28. Des totally scored with Chris. You could tell she was falling in love with him surely but slowly all season long. What an awesome catch. Brooks is gay.