Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - Madeira is filled with pussies (cats, I mean)

We are down to FIVE people. FIVE! That’s so exciting. And by “exciting”, I mean, thank god this boring shit is almost over.

They head to Madeira Island, which is apparently SO difficult to find, the Bachelor people make a map for us, complete with a wee little plane to show where they are going. Do they think we’re a bunch of idiots? Also, I had no idea where it was. So thank you, Bachelor people.

So THAT'S where it is...

Lindsey (I think that was her name), Jackie and Catherine all get a free trip to Madeira to have a six-minute conversation with Desiree about the remaining guys. These chicks were friends last season, which is just weird because Sean is engaged to Catherine now and Desiree was heartbroken over him. Actually, that’s not too weird in this fucked up incestuous Bachelor franchise. They chat about which one is the best kisser (Juan Pablo…oh he’s not there anymore), who is most athletic (none of them), and who has the biggest penis (Juan Pablo).

Oh by the way, when asked about Sean, Catherine says, “Well, he wanted a best friend and I wanted a best friend and that’s what we are to each other.” That is code for, “This fucking overly-religious meathead won’t hump me until we’re married and I’m dying here. DYING, I tell you! Which one of those five do you like least, Desiree? I’m going for it.”

Desiree talks about what she wants in a guy, which is the dumbest question of all time. We all want the same shit, and NO I don’t want anyone who challenges me. How annoying. “Jen, are you sure you should eat that? Why don’t we go on a run today? How about if we take a Mandarin class? We should climb Everest.” Shut up. Let’s drink wine, take naps and watch the Bachelor for fucks’ sake.

Brooks Date 

Desiree takes Brooks in the smallest possible car to the farthest possible place on the island. Also, she is a shitty driver. They walk out onto some precipice and she needs to take the goddamn sassy shoes off – this is a place for comfy, safe climbing-type shoes. Geesh, damn bitches are so vein. Wear a pair of goddamn Nikes, for fucks sake.

That car is not going to make it.

They are “on the road” to falling in love, and Brooks is “in the clouds” trying to figure out how he feels. I really hate this show.

They sit and hang out on this rock in the clouds and it’s actually super cool…until the clouds get thicker and they can’t see each other at all and they get hit by lightening. Really, is that safe? Between those shoes, that car and those clouds, it’ll be a miracle if they make it out alive.

They seem pretty cute and happy, I guess, so I’m surprised to hear Brooks is hesitating as much as he is about her. More on that later.

They head to dinner later and she is wearing the shortest goddamn skirt of all time. How about dressing for the occasion? Oh BROOKS, what in gods’ name is that cardigan number all about? Wowzers. They chat and it goes like this:

Brooks: My family is close, my dad wasn’t around.
Desiree: huh?
B: We sacrificed you know? We’re not that close. It’s what I want. Bumble bumble blah blah gurgle.
D: I…..am a little lost. Do you have a cotton ball in your mouth? I can’t understand you.
B: Let’s talk about adjectives instead!
D: OK I have four adjectives about the love process. I am VERY smart. Here I go. There’s stepping, skipping, running and the finish line.
B: Those are not adjectives, you asshole. That was three verbs and a noun.
D: But I love you.
B: No comment.
D: You’re going to leave me later, huh?

Really, what was up with the mumbling? I couldn’t understand him. She tells Brooks she’s running (in the metaphor, not in real life. She couldn’t in those heels), and he later tells the Bachelor camera that he’s a bit behind her in the emotional process…although he’s totally not sharing that with her.

So here is my big prediction. Reminder – I don’t read spoilers and I hate it when people spoil shit for me so don’t confirm or deny this if you know anything. But here’s my guess: Brooks leaves her in two episodes. Remember last week when we saw her crying and Drew says, “It just wouldn’t work” or something like that? I bet it’s Brooks who leaves and Drew is consoling her. There was a clip where she says something like, “I stayed with this whole process for you.” And it looks like she’s talking to Drew? I remember thinking there was some weird voice dubbing going on. She says that to Brooks…and that is why we saw previews of Smitty asking her if she wants to stop the show – because she’s so distraught that Brooks leaves. Pretty good, eh? Also, I hate myself juuuust a little bit for putting so much thought into this.

They watch fireworks and some dumbass accidentally threw every firework into the launcher at the same time.

"Oops, my bad!" - Madeiran fireworks operator

 Chris Date 

Chris gets the next one on one date. Chris smells the date card after he reads it. Easy dude. They get the yacht date and this would sooooo be my choice. Desiree says, “He’s got all the qualities I’ve been looking for in a husband, so today I’ll be picturing what our lives will look like in the future.” Anyone else see a problem here? Your lives in the future will look nothing like being on a yacht in Madeira. Know what it’ll look like? You’ll be drunk and crying while watching Titanic on TV for the 30th time, while your husband is in the bathroom taking a thirty-minute shit with his iPad on his lap. You’ll then scream at him to fix the goddamn Potscrubber 1200 for the tenth time that day while you text your friends about how you almost found love once, just like Rose and Jack Dawson.

Chris says that their chemistry is pretty legit. His words for real. Dork. You’re not MC Hammer.

They take the yacht to a deserted island which blows – I’d much rather stay on the boat. They write a poem, TOGETHER, which is horrid and very Dr. Seussy. Chris says, “It just feels right – it’s not awkward.” I beg to differ. The underside of my couch also begs to differ. They put the poem in a bottle and toss it out to sea. Somehow, going from the grass to the rock by the ocean, Chris gets soaked but they don’t show how, which is super disappointing. I bet he got wiped out by a rogue wave and it would have made amazing TV. Chris makes a horrible throw of the bottle, and then says, “This is a memory only Desiree and I will have and it can’t be duplicated.” Ummm, I guess that’s true, but wait until you see the cloud date on TV with Brooks. That shit was awesome!

 Worst throw ever.

They pass by another cat on the way to dinner. What is up with all the pussies on this island? Wow, there are so many jokes in here, my head might explode.

I'm just one of many pussies on this island!

At dinner, he asks her how many kids she wants and she casually answers something like, “Not many, three of four.” THREE OR FOUR is not many? This bitch is delusional. My two kids have singlehandedly shaved ten years off my life at least, through exhaustion and stress. I’d love to see free spirit Desiree handle four. Crazy bitch.

Chris reads another poem (STOP IT) and it says he’s falling in love with her at the end. She looks happy-ish and says, “He has all the qualities I’m looking for.” By now, we’ve learned this is the kiss of death. Love is not a spreadsheet, lady. You don’t hear her say that stuff about Brooks – she just loves him, regardless of his list of good qualities and in spite of the hair.

Michael Date 

Michael gets the next one on one date, which says, “Let’s have fun in Foonchow.” Pretty sure it didn’t say exactly that. But close enough.

They have the “walk around town” date. The “take in the culture” date. Ugh, that’s the worst. Culture. Bleech.

She tells Michael they’re just exploring the town today. Look Michael, this is the park where I got felt up by Chris last night. Michael says, “I hope she sees me as the man she can spend the rest of her life with.” Ummm, notsomuch.

They take some sled down a hill and uh, how dangerous is THAT shit? How about a helmet? Good god. And guess what, you guys?? Love is like sliding down a hill – you’re out of control and you’re scared and sometimes you shit your pants and crack your head open and die, but hey, love is worth the risk!

At dinner, they talk about love, diabetes, deadbeat dads, hospital bills, and the fact that Michael got his heartbroken in what sounds like the shadiest story of all time. Apparently some chick relocated to Miami for Michael, but then his friend sent him a photo of her on a mountain with some other guy in Vail. So was he not suspicious when she packed up ski equipment and said she’s going to the grocery store and didn’t come back for five nights?

They head to a private concert by three people in a street and the lady never opens her eyes. That’s all I really noted down about that. Desiree ends the date by saying, “He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.” She pauses and adds on, “Also, I’m pretty sure he’s gay and I have zero sexual attraction to him. Zero.”

Zak and Drew Date 

Des wants to take the guys go-cart racing because “she wants to have fun every day of my life.” Really? I don’t. I want to cry and be bored and sad. See what I mean? We all want the same shit. Stop pretending like this is groundbreaking, unique information.

They race around the racetrack in these little cars and I guess it looks pretty fun. At least they have helmets on. And we find out love is like racing a go-cart with the rush of adrenaline, FUCK YOU.

The boys race and Zak wins…umm by a landslide. He gets the first alone time with her and shares with her a scrapbook of their journey, hand painted by him. At least it’s not poems and cutout magazine words. Fuck. He really isn’t much of an artist though, is he?

 This is Germany. Obviously.

I don’t get the feeling that she’s all that into him. He’ll be the next to go, I think, which is sad because I kind of dig him. Kind of.

She then has alone time with Drew who tells her again about his severely mentally handicapped sister. He asks her if she’ll come with him to pick her up for his hometown date and she says yes! Because 200 cameras won’t be overwhelming to her, I’m sure.

Drew goes a little overboard with the love talk here, saying he’s never had these feelings with anyone before and he’s fallen in love with her. And he’s never felt this before. And he’s never felt these feelings before. He’s never fallen in love like this. Never.

She gives the rose to Drew because Zak’s Germany picture was unforgivable and she probably senses Drew would freak the fuck out if she didn’t.

Wrong, wrong and more wrong.

Rose Ceremony 

Desiree chats with Chris before the rose ceremony and says Drew is the best looking guy she’s ever met, which seems extreme. She tells Chris that she’s at the finish line with Brooks – she’s in love with him. She starts crying because she’s so happy and emotional about it. Smitty says, “So are we done here?” She replies, “No I’m keeping an open mind.” Good thing because Brooks is about to dump your ass. Yikes.

Drew already has a rose, and the others go to Brooks, Chris and Zak. Which means poor Michael is sent home. She basically tells him that her other relationships were progressing faster, and also she didn’t like him that much. He was super sweet saying to her that no girl will measure up to her and that he sincerely wishes her nothing but the best. This makes me feel bad for all the shit talking I’ve done here.

However, I don’t feel bad anymore, after he gets in the limo and makes the super unfortunate decision to CALL HIS MOTHER. Dude, don’t do that. Why? Are you TRYING to look like a total pussy? He tells Mama that Desiree dumped him and she says, “Oh no, here we go again.” Which also sucks for Michael’s reputation. Now he looks like a pussy that continually gets his heart broken by bitches and cries to him Mom about it. Lord.

Previews next week show more of Brooks’ doubts and Desiree’s creepy brother back in the mix. See ya then, peeps.


  1. The plan was to make sweet passionate love to my wife last night but after watching this episode I got my period. What was the point of flying out those three bachelorettes from last season and handing them fucking binoculars to check out the five dudes from a mile away? What a total disaster. Keep up God's work Jen, because if I didn't have your blog to look forward to I don't know what I would do.

  2. I swear to god when these "guys" go on this show they take stupid pills. I almost want to go on this show to defend the honor of all men everywhere and show we are aren't all total pussies.

  3. Brooks can go anyway. His hair and his flat teeth do nothing for me. Zak and Drew and I are going to have a threesome, which is great because I sort of see a little bit of guy on guy action happening with those 2 and I am into that. Desiree, by default, will end up with Chris. The end.

  4. I love that I'm not the only one who criticizes the girls' choice of shoes on this show. Remember when not-Catherine took her heels off when she got dumped by Sean in the finale? That shit was awesome. It was the most real moment that show has ever seen. And that's why these relationships never work out. The first time the guy sees the girl pull her underwear out of her crack, he freaks. Or the girl sees the guy snotrocket on the driveway and realizes he's just like all the rest. Your description of real marriages was much more accurate, with iPad shits and broken appliances.

    Poor Michael. He actually thought he had a shot. I kinda liked him more after last night but in a "you're gay and nonthreatening so wanna go shoe shopping?" sorta way. Zak's stock went way up for me after the 2-on-1 but he doesn't have a shot either. She just doesn't feel sparks with him so he'll be the next to go.

  5. Did anyone catch Chris saying how excited he was about seeing Des and going on a boat and getting to drink vino together (while fist-pumping to the vino part)? Now, I love wine as must as the next girl, but the last time I got THAT excited to drink wine was when my friend was holding a bag of it over my head yelling "Slap the bag!"

    My prediction is similar to yours, Jen. I think they are really playing up Des' feelings for Brooks and then he is going to leave. I also think that they are really playing up Chris' feelings for Des so that when Des choses Drew over Chris, he will be right in line to be the next bachelor. Suck on that James!

  6. I thought Zak's picture looked remarkably like a toilet bowl with period poo in it. I hate myself for watching this show.

  7. Now that Juan Pablo is gone, the only reason to watch this show is for your blog posts. *sniff* I miss Juan Pablo.

  8. Omg omg, SO GLAD you caught the adjective/verb thing Jen! It just demonstrated how dumb these people are. Someone must have clued Des in because when she had her chat with Smitty, she corrected herself and called them verbs (of course there is still the matter of the "finish line" being a noun, which was not mentioned lol)

    Your theory makes sense Jen. There is no way they would have aired her comments about loving Brooks the way they did if he wasn't going to dump her ass.

    SO looking forward to crazy brother action (rubbing hands together in glee).

  9. Hilarious! I like the Jon Pablo (biggest penis insert) haa..funny recap!

  10. You are so hilarious! I love the way you condense the show into only what we all care about. So funny, thanks!

  11. Your description of "real life" was hysterical. You forgot the part where your 2 year old throws up all over you with the stomach flu.

  12. Your blog is the only reason I've been sucked into this stupid how. On the plus side, the snarky comments I make in my head while watching it are really funny. If only I could remember them now. See the show sucks so much I can't even retain my snark. I watch it only o your recap makes sense.

    And how did you not comment on the fact that she regretted choosing that blue backless dress for the rose ceremony? Talking o Smitty, she kept having to adjust it so it didn't fall off while she sat there.

    And the bottle? No one will ever find it (although what do you suppose it'd go for on eBay?) - that sucker smashed into the rocks on the island seconds after he threw it. Such a wussy throw and the next shot was waves crashing and spraying on huge jagged rocks *snicker* *snicker*

  13. Can we discuss her pronunciation of the word PO-tential?

  14. I'm reading this recap a little late, but I just had to comment. Your recaps are always hilarious but this one had me taking frequent 30 second breaks just to take a breath and stop laughing. Your depiction of real marriage and life with kids was so funny. And I love how you call Desiree out for the ridiculous/delusional shit she says and does. Thanks for having the balls to say what we're all thinking about this show. It keeps what has become a boring season a little more interesting.