Tuesday, July 23, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap – “The Men Tell All”, I mean “The Juan Pablo Episode”

Seriously, seriously fucking boring. The only savior was the serious focus on Juan Pablo. I guess he’s the next Bachelor – why else would they do a “get to know Juan Pablo” segment if we were never going to see him again? Especially one that made him look as sweet and amazing as that? Remind me again why Desiree let him go? It’s MIND boggling that one would choose Michael over him. Or Drew. Or Chris.

We start this very long two hours with Desiree and Smitty crashing some viewing parties. I’m 99% sure these people know they’re coming. Why else would there be 250 people in each house, FULLY dressed up and in full makeup? With roses on the table and a complete buffet? If I sent out an email to my friends asking them to come over for a viewing party, I’d probably get four takers, and that’s only if I offered them dinner and free drinks. If I said Smitty was coming with ABC cameras, I’d get 150 people too.

I do appreciate there is a lot of alcohol at these parties, though. Anyway, Desiree and Smitty crash one party and the friggin Mesnicks show up? As in Jason and Molly? And a baby? Where the hell is Thai? Then out of the blue, Trista pops her head around the corner. What the fuck is she doing there? Shouldn’t she be at an AARP meeting? Kiiiiiiding. I love that she’s only three years older than me but I feel like she’s fifteen years older.

There’s a party bus? Who rented that? Is the Mesnicks baby on there?

I hate hate hate that Desiree was forced to sit with Ali, Emily and Ashley to discuss how she should act on the Men Tell All special. Emily is hot as usual, but snoozy. Ashley doesn’t say a WORD. And Ali is very opinionated on the whole “bad boy” topic. She’s also a touch heavy on the blush.

The Men 

Smitty introduces the men and Juan Pablo gets the biggest cheers. Duh. I’ll just get this out of the way: I really, really, really want him naked on top of me. I think it would be great fun.

You're welcome

James is HEAVY on the self-tanner. My God.

There is a recap of the drama with the guys, and I love that Drew talks about James and says, “He won’t be America’s next bachelor but he will be America’s next big giant asshole.” I mean….that’s awesome. Where’s THAT Drew with Desiree? The Desiree-Drew is a face caresser and has hard hair. I like that guy better.

We briefly let Jonathan apologize – the guy who kept trying to take Desiree up to the fantasy suite on the first night. He says he’s sorry to the people who had to view that. Why are you apologizing to me? I liked it. Who doesn’t like watching someone crash and burn so royally on night one? Amazing! We should be thanking you.

Ben in the Hot Seat 

I can’t even write about this, I’m so over it. He’s skeevy, kind of a douche bag and Desiree says it best – he’s insincere and you can’t tell who the fuck he really is. End of story. Except they play a recap of his drama in the house and I’m reminded of two AWFUL things: One—that girly tank top. Two – he’s a chin grabber when he kisses you. Get your goddamn hands off my face.

I like when Ben left that he asks, “When can I be seen in public again?” Umm, does he mean, when can I be seen in public with a girl? Because I’m pretty sure you can go out in public ASAP. It’s not like we are all wondering if Desiree killed you.

Here are the next twenty minutes: Your baby mama hates you, you suck as a father, Michael still thinks you’re guilty of fraud, everyone in the audience is overly horrified and I’ve decided to almost stop listening completely and eat ice cream.

Let’s take a second to make Juan Pablo look even better: Zak says Juan Pablo brought up his daughter in every conversation. We get it, already. He’s PERFECT.

It’s also funny that for every single commercial break, Smitty advertises the fact that there are bloopers later. Everyone loves those, so it’s almost as if Smitty knows it’s the only thing holding us onto this show. Side note: Why the hell didn’t we talk to Bryden? Me love Bryden.

James in the Hot Seat (why is it hot?) 

Could he be any wider? He looks like such a meathead. I actually find him remotely attractive, except for his body.

This shit with James is ridiculous. It goes on WAY too long. WAY WAY. Here’s the recap: All the guys hate him, especially Kasey. James claims he didn’t do anything wrong by saying he’ll have a good chance at being the next Bachelor if he makes it to the final four. We finally get to talk to Mikey who actually has the best excuse for this shit. He says that the two guys were just chatting, and they said if it doesn’t work out for either of them with Desiree, they’re both in Chicago and they should hang out. And party. In boats. With successful women. Life goes on.

Mikey somehow gets pissed at Kasey and says, “I’m a player on Us Weekly all of a sudden because of you.” Umm, no you’re not. That shit is my bible and I’m pretty sure you’ve never even been mentioned. So sit down, mob plumber.

Juan Pablo sums it up nicely by saying he wouldn’t let his daughter date James. Umm, she’s four so I certainly hope not.

Smitty asks him if he’d agree to be the next Bachelor and he says he’d have to talk to family about it, but he’d like to find love. Can someone tell him there is NO WAY he’d ever be picked for that so he doesn’t need to sell himself as sincere anymore? I mean, is he not paying attention to Juan Pablo?

Juan Pablo 

Speaking of Juan Pablo, we get to see a recap of his very-little airtime. They certainly included crap we hadn’t seen before, including the fact he told Desiree he had a little girl on the first night. Desiree says, in a horrible Spaniard accent: “Come to me, Juan Pablo.” SO WHY DID YOU LET HIM GO. Dumbass.

Smitty sets him up perfectly to be the next Bachelor by saying, “What are you looking for?” and “Do you date a lot?” To which Juan Pab answers perfectly. I think all this attention on him is a test for the producers to see if he sounds normal when he talks and can pull this off. If so, he’ll certainly be next Bach.

Juan P says he just wants to find someone special, have a family, wake up with them, enjoy many years together, watch movies, etc. He can watch movies with me anytime. In my pants. What?

Zak in the Hot Seat 

I don’t remember anything from his time in the hot seat – my only memories of Zak from last night are from that goddamn song. More on that later. I do recall Zak writing something in invisible ink for Desiree but I don’t care. The audience seems to care though. They all look like this:

Zak says he’s still in love with Desiree and it won’t go away. Ummm, I hope it does ONE day, no?

Desiree Here, Finally 

Desiree comes out, one hour and 33 minutes into the show. So she’s clearly not the draw here. Highlights of Desiree’s time in the hot seat:

• Jonathan regrets being a douche bag. I don’t care.
• Brian isn’t there. I don’t care.
• Desiree says she couldn’t gauge emotion in Ben’s eyes and that he seemed insincere. Isn’t that a characteristic of a sociopath?
• Juan Pablo asks her why he didn’t get a one-on-one date. He says, “It would’ve been great.” I hope she’s kicking herself. I want to kick her.
• Zak wrote a song. Ohhhhh noooooooo. Must. Get. Under. Sofa. Now.
• I don’t understand most of the song. I heard, “Dig a hole for your eyes” somewhere in there. What?
• The audience is crushed:

Bloopers and Previews 

Bloopers are pretty stupid except for the lights falling around Desiree and Bryden. I was seriously laughing out loud. They kept fucking crashing to the ground because the strings holding them were burning. I mean, that’s amazing. Idiot production assistants. Let’s hang the candles from dry trees with string! Brilliant!

Previews….so apparently there is a two-part finale starting next week. That means next Monday and the one after will each be two hours filled with crying and drama. My guess is that Brooks leaves her and she isn’t sure she wants to continue on the show. The producers tell Chris and Drew that, which explains why they’re so pissy too. The cliffhanger next week will be – will Desiree come back to choose either Chris or Drew or will she just abandon the whole show? Of course, the finale will be Desiree coming back to choose Drew or Chris. And of those two, I don’t know or care which one she does. I’m not super hot on either. Of course, I know nothing of this for real, since I don’t do spoilers, but it’s my hunch. A reader commented last week that my prediction is what it looks like will happen, so maybe it’ll be something totally different to psyche us out? I hope so! Drew admits he’s gay? See you then!

OMG What's going to happen?


  1. Once again, best part of the whole viewing experience is reading THIS blog. love, Love LOVE what you do Jen!

  2. First time this season that I couldn't watch. THAT'S saying something. My wife is bags-packed ready to leave me for Juan Pablo he just has to say the word. Jen=$$.

  3. Did you notice the twitter feed when Juan Pablo was talking and somebody said they were using his name as a verb? As in "I'd sure like to Juan Pablo that!" It's our new catch phrase and plan on using it whenever possible. Maybe we should find a way to replace "amazing journey" with "Juan Pablo." Now that I think about it, we could just use his name as any part of speech...kind of like the word fuck. Very versatile. Jen, we Juan Pablo you. Your KC crew!

  4. My fiance and I started howling with our dog when Zak was singing his song. Our singing was more entertaining and less crawling under couch-provoking

  5. If I rewound and rewatched the Juan Pablo segment five times last night, does that mean I have a problem? I'm starting to feel like I've morphed from a 34 year-old Asian woman to a dirty old man.

  6. I recently found your blog and just have to tell you how much I enjoy it. You are hilarious!!!
    I sure hope ABC has the brains to cast Juan Pablo as the next bachelor. Women everywhere will watch that. If they cast gay Drew or gay Brooks I'm done with this show.

  7. Check out the interview from Ben's ex Stevie about him being a great dad and that guy lying on the men tell all episode. All that was made up for the show. Why would she give an interview on how great of a dad he is if she hated him? (not that i like Ben at all, i thought he was skeevy) But dont trust everything this show throws at us. They just want the drama.

  8. One of my favorite parts from the bloopers is when Smitty goes, "Can't we just stay at a Marriott next time?"

    Yummy Juan Pablo, oh the things I would do to him. He's definitely the next Bachelor. Where can I sign up?

  9. I'm totally not hot for Juan Pablo, but man is this season a complete bore. I have no idea who she will chose. This show has to be over soon. I can't deal with the wasteful hours I've spent on it. Thanks for the chuckle as always.

  10. I feel like they want to cast Zak for the next bachelor. But the sex-deprived (from men like Juan Pablo, not des deprived in general, although, maybe?) "Bacjphelor Nation" will not have it. They will not! Zak seems like the standard Bachelor producers pick. But, come on! There will be new life!

    Either that or we'll realize he's awful. I think part of his appeal is he had very little airtime.

    Can I out a vote in for Des walking in on Drew and a cameraman? I want to say Brooks or someone, but then there is no finale. So, Brooks and someone behind the scenes. She's broken hearted (because, you know, she obviously caused it).

    Then Brooks can dump her the final week.or vice versa. But walking in on sexy summin sounds like the first part of two parts.

    Maybe then Brooks won't even show up to the rose ceremony. Come on Bachelor producers. It's all scripted anyway. Give us some zing!

  11. I too rewound the Juan Pablo segments- had to since we missed him the first go around! So swoony...
    Yet, as I went back to the abc bio page JP's occupation is a former soccer player and for favorite book he responded that he doesn't read (Chris doesn't have his occupation as former baseball player)... with those facts I don't know if JP could carry a whole season??? But I was glad that Chris H asked JP's option so much!

  12. ..."Umm, no you’re not. That shit is my bible and I’m pretty sure you’ve never even been mentioned. So sit down, mob plumber."

    seriously voiding. amazing commentary.

    love you jen! even if you are a duck!

    a seattle husky

  13. My husband to me last night: "Are you really watching that again??" as I start the episode and fast forward to the Juan Pablo segment.

  14. Actually, I hate to say it but I think Mikey was mentioned in US Weekly. Wasn't he in the cover story "the Bachelors from Hell?" or something like that? The issue was out about... 3 weeks ago?

  15. Ehh I think Juan Pablo is too sweet and normal to do The Bachelor. I think it would be another this season and we'd all die of boredom. I couldn't watch Zak sing, but I vote for him for next bachelor for sure. If they confiscate his guitar, that is.

    Also, I really hope the person who guessed they'll catch Drew making out with a dude is right. I would be into that.

  16. I enjoy reading your blog. thanks for the laughs.
    I'll definitely watch if Juan P is the next Bachelor. couldnt they film first few episodes from Miami so he could be near his daughter? i think Miami spice would liven up the old routine. I may be wrong, but isn't Juan P friends with a few celebs like Chad Ochocinco? maybe they'd get spot appearances for free publicity.

  17. Jen I love your blog!
    I want to comment on a few things. First off I am an openly gay man. I have many gay friends and EVERY single one of them also agree with you that Drew is gay. We also picked Ames and Jake Pavilka also as being gay in the past. If Drew is the next bachelor he will be Jake #2. Also my friends think Micheal and Brooks swing both ways.
    I also have a major crush on Jaun Pablo..Super hot guy!
    Fun blog I read it weekly!

  18. So excited to watch Deserie cry next episode! I think you're completely right about Brooks, esp cause he had no clips in the previews, with the only one of him holding Desiree quietly, probably after he dumps her. I wish they asked Brenden (guy who cries a lot I think) if he was pyschologically stable. At least Chris Harrison admitted to saying "This is the most dramatic finale ever" for every single damn thing. Love this blog, way better then the show itself!

  19. willyouacceptthisJuly 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    Ahhhh, i had a laughing O the first time you called Mikey "mob plumber". The kind where people come from other rooms in the house to see if your OK.

  20. Juan Pablo is muy caliente! I'd Juan Pablo that!!!

  21. Juan Pablo and Arie ... the dream team ... I'd do them both and not in a minute either. Can we have a double-hitter Bachelor???? I can see the drama now ... then Juan Pablo and Arie ride off into the sunset without any chicks - just happy with each other ... they are only missing Drew who finally comes out of the closet ... and becomes the hottest male model of all times. Seriously the camera loves this dude.

    Love the mob plumber comment - Jen have you thought about writing for Smitty? He needs some new lines. Des needs new lines major!

    My cat started yodeling when Zak started singing ??? She's fixed so she's not in heat ... Zak true love is waiting for here lol lol

    Jen your blog is the best part of this show! You're awesome!

  22. I just thought you might like to know that Kat's name is Kat Hurd! We got a kick out of all the cat turd jokes on Jimmy Falon last night…just thought if you needed any material…haha :) GREAT blog btw!!!