Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap - The Whiny Bitch Episode

The best part of this week was getting rid of three guys! I see a light at the end of the desperation-herpes-filled tunnel. Anyway, we start with eight guys and the previews tell us that it’s the “all about James” episode. Desiree begins her time in Barcelona by walking around. Apparently, she’s hopeful, excited and likes churches.

Drew Date 

I haven’t been under my sofa more this entire season, than I was on Drew and Desiree’s date. SO many awkward moments. Drew (27, Scottsdale, Digital Marketing Analyst) is nice and normal and he’s not crazy or lame…he’s just a little…vanilla for me. And nerdy? And his hair is too coifed. And he would probably be the guy to caress my face and use the term “make love”. He probably doesn’t ever say “fuck” and he makes sure his balls are shorn carefully. This is just a guess. So nice guy, but something rubs me the wrong way (that’s what she said).

He says, “My time has finally come, and I’m really looking forward to it.” See what I mean?

They meet in the street and Drew says that before they start the date he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about kissing her. That is code for, “It’s ridiculous how far the other guys have gotten and I haven’t even kissed you yet, so I HAVE to.” She squeals! Ahhh! Ok! And Kiss. And I’m under the sofa.

Desiree says, “I love that he kissed me right away, it started the day off strong.” Like his penis. Sorry, that was stupid.

He says, “Every time I’m with her I get butterflies.” Again, not okay for a man to have this terminology in his vocabulary. Along with ‘fairy tale’.

They head to a bar, which is an ironic choice of venue to tell your TV girlfriend that your dad is a recovering alcoholic. He says he’s his hero but now he has cancer. But he’s doing well and “nobody in the office even knows he has cancer!” Ummm, they do now?

On the way to dinner, they stop in a dark alley to groove to a little band. Under the sofa. They head to their private little table and I can’t get over her poor shoe choice – shockingly white high heels…on cobblestone? Twisted ankle much? Think practically, girlfriend. After dinner, Drew tells the Bachelor camera that he’s overcome with emotions and his thoughts are running crazy…I feel something coming, so I assume the “under sofa” position. Sure enough, he makes her run in those dangerous heels away from the cameras, down a dark alley. It can’t be romantic, as you see fifty production/camera people scramble to catch up. Phew, thank god I’m under the sofa already. He pins her up against a wall and kisses her, while caressing her face. Yucks.

So romantic. Especially the spotlight.

She gives him the rose in the alley because the producers just yelled at her to do it, since she ran away from the dinner table, fucking up the rose plans. He accepts of course, and then decides it’s the perfect time to tell her about James. (Reminder for those who missed it – James and Mikey had a conversation last week where he talked about being the next Bachelor if he made it to the top four, and how he wants to take hot women on boat rides in Chicago. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s basically it). Drew tells Desiree about this conversation and she looks pissed. The end.

Group Date 

The group date is for Brooks (28, Salt Lake City, Marketing Consultant), Chris (27, Seattle, Mortgage Broker), Kasey (29, San Luis Obispo, Advertising Executive), Michael (33, Miami, Federal Prosecutor), James (27, Chicago, Advertising), and Juan Pablo (31, Miami, Former Pro Soccer Player).

It’s a soccer date. So how stoked is Juan Pablo? He says, “I feel at home, I think it’s going to be a great day for me.” And it’s going to be a great day for ME – how hot does he look? Me like.

They practice a bit and Juan Pablo looks as hot as you’d suspect. Next they play a game against some pro girls and they get their asses kicked, namely because James is the worst goalie of all time.

At the after party, Michael toasts: “Here’s to kicking some soccer balls today and kicking it with Des tonight.” And here’s to kicking you in the goddamn nose. Cut that nerdy shit out, please. Ugh.

She takes Chris to her bedroom and gives him a poem that she wrote for him…and it RHYMED, people. I would assume if you went to poetry graduate school, rule number one would be to NOT rhyme your shit. You sound like Dr. Seuss.

Kasey and Michael decide to confront James and as most Bachelor fights go, it just goes around and around until we’re all exhausted. James says he didn’t start that conversation and then just kind of roars for awhile. Michael however, really loses it. He’s the one that really comes unglued, throwing stupid shots like, “You’re not trying out for the Jersey Shore”, which you know he thought of in bed one night and was just DYING to use it.

At one point, James yells at Kasey and says, “Oh so you just know EVERYTHING I said?” And Kasey answers, “Umm, yeah, cause I heard you.” So that’s funny. Kasey actually wins big points with me here – he sounds super rational which is sadly a total turn-on for me. He loses me a bit when he says, “James is just trying to figure out how he can deny and counter-accusate.” Ahhh, ye ole counter accusate.

Desiree then talks to James, who cries and claims the guys are just threatened by him. Pluuuease, Desiree, that’s like saying, “here for the right reasons”. They don’t just make shit up because they’re threatened. Good lord. Also, that is the fakest cry ever.

Apparently Desiree likes him because this would be the perfect excuse to get rid of someone you weren’t that into, like Michael, for instance. But she lets him convince her that he didn’t REALLY mean it. So she tells him she wants to sleep on it. In his car back to the hotel, he only looks broken up over the fact that the guys are making him look bad. So yeah, he pretty much sucks.

Zak date 

They head to an artists’ studio to sketch some people and he’s not that bad. That is, until this:

Then he just wins huge points with me for actually making that. That is awesome. I would frame that shit if I were her. She actually wins a few points with me by laughing so hard. At least she can take a joke.

Then a poor nude model is forced to strip naked for them. Does he know what show this is for? I feel bad for that dude, who has to strip down for these two nimrods. Also, there is no way I could even attempt to draw that. Zak then thinks it’s funny for him to get in a robe and model for Desiree – in his underwear. It’s just an attempt to show Desiree his muscular body, which is super lame. I was beginning to like him, but this brings me back to night one, when he was shirtless for fifteen hours.

"Be sure to draw THIS"

They have dinner in a cave, which makes me claustrophobic just looking at it. How are they certain that shit won’t cave in? Scary. Zak is actually really sweet, but not in a total pussy way, so he’s growing on me a little. He does say how much he loves an adventure and how settling down in one place is not for him………….which begs the question, soooo what will you do if you win a wife on this show? She’s not going to want to take your baby on a friggin adventure every week. And sometime the kid will start Kindergarten and might need a school to go to – not a camel in the Sahara. I don’t know what that meant.

I’m liking Zak a lot but I’m not sure if a wife and a white picket fence are in his future. When a dude says, “I’m not comfortable settling down in one spot – that’s why I’m still single”, things don’t look good for picking up a wife.

She gives him the rose. Also, there are a lot of corridors in Spain.

More James Drama 

Back in the hotel room, James continues to fight with Drew and everyone else. I’m exhausted with this shit. What a bunch of whiny bitches. So he’s a dirtbag – why do we have to keep fighting about it? Juan Pablo agrees with me – he looks like he is OVER it.

Desiree takes James outside to talk AGAIN, and once again he convinces her to keep him, despite his sweaty boobs. James comes back to the room and sits with the guys. I’m so bored, I decide at this point to rank the guys in order of who I want on top of me naked. The first one is Juan Pablo. Next is Zak, then Brooks, then James, Chris, Kasey, Drew and finally Michael. Just in case you were wondering.

Rose Ceremony 

Drew and Zak already have roses. The rest of the roses go to:

Chris – Dr. Seuss. Cute, normal…a little boring, but sweet guy.
Brooks – flat teeth, cool guy hair, cute, normal.
Michael – Super dork, No way in God’s green earth she will pick him. No way.

Therefore she sends James, Kasey and Juan Pablo home. Woo hoo – three guys down, thank god. I thought Kasey was normal actually but it was clear they weren’t a match. James kind of sucks and you know I’m sad to see Juan Pablo go. Clearly, there was nothing but tongue and boob rubbing between them, but man was he fun to look at. In his goodbye interview, he cries and says he hopes to find a stepmother for his daughter. He just wants to find love, a wife, someone to be with. He then says, “Ok cut! Is that sufficient for a Bachelor application video? Greeeeat, thanks.”

James isn’t sad about Desiree at all, but is just bummed out that he looked like the bad guy to America, thus ruining his chances of becoming the next Bachelor. Douche bag.

And she’s not picking Drew, so I bet it’s between Zak, Chris and Brooks, with Chris and Brooks as the final two. However, I admit I’m sucked in at those previews. What the heck happens? Why is everyone friggin crying? I’ll keep you posted.


  1. Most dude cryine ever! Who wants to end up with her? She sucks, no personality and crying non-stop. I didn't like James but he was unfairly ganged up on by those bitches. Especially Michael, he's the king of being the third guy in the fight but still being in the background talking shit. I swear I've never seen so much crying and it just looks like there's more coming. What a total and utter disaster. The only semi-normal dude is Chris and that's not just because I'm from Sea-Town. Love the blog, keep it up!!

  2. Hilarious recap! And you were also right on. About everything. I was also thrilled to see three guys go home.

    The James thing was so over played. He's a dick, move on. Btw, Time actually used the headline, "James Ain't a Giant Peach." Wow.

    My naked on top of me list is
    Juan Pablo
    Drew (he's good looking. I can work with "make love.")
    Zak (Won hot points with me after his date and that hideous sketch of Des.)
    James (too much sweat)

    But I have to say there just isn't a whole lot of sexy going on this season. Bryden took the last of the mojo with him.

    The preview for the next episode looked great until I realized I fall for the editors' shit every time. Stuff looks way more interesting and dramatic than it really is. I'm not falling for it this time, ABC jackasses!

  3. Brilliant!!

    My naked on top of me list:

    1. Zak
    2. Juan Paul
    3. Chris
    4. Kasey
    5. Brooks
    6. Drew
    7. Michael
    8. James

    Brooks might be higher if he didn't talk like a pussy.

  4. Who is Juan Paul??

  5. Am I the only one who noticed that drew left an ENTIRE glass of wine when they left their lunch date?

    My "Naked on Top of Me List" is:
    Juan Pablo
    ..and that's it.

    The other three don't even make the cut. Especially Michael. No. Way. Ever. Drew's lucky he got by after that wine-leaving stunt!

    Thanks for the laughs!

  6. I can't even put most of those guys on a naked-time list. But Zak can get it after that date. He's hilarious and that's so goddamn hot. I would let him dry hump me in a corridor for sure. And James is a total d-bag but he also reminds me of a guy I used to have sex with on weekends for like, 2 years, so my vagina isn't listening to my brain with him. Drew...ehhh I find him really attractive, but I can't picture him being into anything kinky so maybe. The rest, no thank you.

    Also, thank you, you beautiful angel. After the Zak date, I just read your recap because I couldn't get into watching the rest. Now I don't have to.

  7. I'm calling it. Drew leaves her for whatever reason and she says she loves him too much and sends all the guys home. Michael will go home next, then Sam, then Drew and the others will follow.

    My list:

    The others can't even be considered.

  8. Your blog makes me die. I've been laughing at Matt Roid for over a week now.

    I found Drew really attractive last night and had a sexually themed dream about him and it was really awkward when I woke up and remembered it. I think he is going to dump her.

    Michael makes my stomach hurt with his greasy headbands and overly bandaged thumb. I don't really understand how Des keeps him because he is seriously so gross and such a little bitch.

    James is also gross, as was Mikey. I wouldn't go on a boat ride with either of them if they were the last meatheads with a boat left in Chicago.

    I agree that the final two will be Chris and Brooks. Zak's sketch was the only awesome thing that happened all season.

  9. Here's a plan: have Jef and Juan Pablo as a double bachelor season. My wife would be really happy as you probably would be also. Happy 4th Everyone!

  10. We believe Drew is gay and will be coming out next week.

    Our entire lesbian Bachelor/Bachelorette viewing posse agrees.

    According to our scientifically shady gaydar, he is actually Gay #3 on the show.

    #1 was Mike R. (the dentist)
    #2 was Robert (Advertising Entrepreneur - what is that?)

  11. I loved this comment "Bryden took the last of the mojo with him." as I must admit that I've replayed his excellent jaw line many times on my computer-
    Juan Pablo was one that ABC failed to exploit/show to the full extent of his abilities- He could read the directions on an oatmeal package and make me w_t.

  12. Does anyone else doubt that Zak's real age is 31? Or is it the tanning that makes him look WAY older?

    I asked my husband who had come into the room how old he thought Zak looked and he said late thirties.

    Drew was kind of hot when he took her to that alleyway, at least that was real kissing! He kind of earned a bit of respect from me after that happened.

    I think it will be between Chris and Brooks in the end.

  13. I can't even remember what name goes with which guy!! I think this is the bachelorette season where they picked a non-medicated ADHD lower middle class woman to flip out and overly dramatize everything. I can't wait until Des's brother gets involved. He doesn't play around.

    But then what can you expect from a show that wets the pavement or stones at night. That makes my hair curl from humidity just looking at it.

    Also is it really necessary for "Smitty" to tell everyone it's the last rose of the night, on the most shocking episode in bachelor/ette history? What a fame whore. FaceTime is for iPhones, Chris.

    I really don't see anyone making it work with Des. She's so double-wide trailer. Nothing wrong with living modestly but they are not recommended for tornadoes and I feel like living with her would be an EF-5.