Tuesday, January 14, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - "Life is about straddling people...and things"

I want to invite Victoria over to my house and either get her really drunk just to watch what happens, (since clearly it’s entertaining) or sit her down and tell her she needs to get her crazy train shit together.

I promised to cut these down, but I’m just not sure it’s possible. I could write a book on Victoria alone. Okay let’s dive in.

Clare Date 

Clare is the 32-year-old Hairdresser from Sacramento. Juan Pablo looks friggin HOT when he comes to get Clare. I mean, so hot. Between his hotness, the competition between the other chicks and the insane dates, these chicks are going to LOSE their SHIT this season.

Juan P., along with his apparent heaven-in-a-bottle-smell, blindfolds Clare and takes her to a fake winter wonderland in the middle of Los Angeles. I can think of three thousand other things I could do with the massive amount of time, money and resources it took to create that. He drops her ass in the snow and they play around for awhile. I appreciate that she lets him tackle her and she’s not afraid to get wet and shit.

She says, “I feel like this is the perfect fairy tale, this is a magical winter wonderland, it’s the best date I’ve ever had, I’m ecstatic, he’s so sexy, etc.” He says, “I felt happy with Clare.” And THAT sums up Juan Pablo.

After we learn ice-skating is not her strong suit, they take a dip in the hot tub, where she massages him. Just as things are about to get steamy, she tells him all about her dead dad. I get it, it’s important info, but Juan Pablo is best used for heavy petting and other physical things, so maybe just stick with that?

 A rose! Your penis! I'm so excited!

He gives her the rose and Josh Kratch-chick (don’t know don’t care) sings to them in the snow. Always awkward city. Overall, I like Clare a lot – she seems a smidge over emotional and overly involved with Juan P, but she falls on the normal end of the spectrum, so that’s something.

Kat Date 

Kat is the 29-year-old Medical Sales Rep from Scottsdale. This is an interesting chick. She seems normal and nice and is actually quite hot…so what am I missing here? Boring? Not smart? Crazy beans? We will have to wait and see because this date didn’t reveal much. I have a feeling these two banged like crazy on the private jet home, but not sure they’d be super in love. It’s hard to tell with him – he’s hot and sweet, but not all that deep and let’s be honest – not all that smart. Which is FINE! People are all put on this earth for a reason and his reason is not to build rockets or do brain surgery. His reason is to make people happy by being available for fantasies, etc. All good.

Anyway, he flies her to Salt Lake City to run in the 5K Electric Run, thereby making this one of my biggest nightmare dates of all time. First I hate to fly in small planes. Second, I hate running. Third, I hate sweating. Fourth, I hate crowds of people. Fifth, I wouldn’t be able to drink or eat. Shit, if they threw some squirrels, snakes and the bitches from The View in there, it would be the definition of hell for me.

Kat is delusional, saying the private jet gives her visions of jet setting with her Latin lover. Ummm, after this show ends, the two of you will be living in a rental apartment in Burbank. This is officially the last time you’ll ever set foot on a private jet. But hey, you’ll have Juan P to bang? She also says she wants to marry a man who will surprise her and do stuff like this for her. Newsflash – then don’t marry Juan P. Marry a Bachelor producer. WHY DO THEY THINK THE DUDES PLAN THESE THINGS?

They run, they dance, they hump. The end. And she gets the rose, duh.

Group Date 

The group date is for Chelsie (24, Science Educator, Ohio), Christy (24, Marketing Manager, Chicago), Kelly (27, Dog Lover, Atlanta), Cassandra (21, Former NBA Dancer, Michigan), Renee 32, Real Estate Agent, Florida, Andi (26, Assistant District Attorney, Atlanta), Lauren (26, Music Composer, Austin), Alli 26, Nanny, Chicago), Chantel (27, Account Manager, San Diego), Nikki (26, Pediatric Nurse, Kansas City), Elise (27, First Grade Teacher, Pennsylvania), Victoria (24, Legal Assistant, Boca Raton) and Lucy (24, Free Spirit, Santa Barbara). Got that?

The girls are paired up with dogs and either dressed up as a hot model or a complete asshole. Oh those crazy Bachelor producers…they’re always brainstorming ways to humiliate these chicks.

The girls don’t need help with that either, but somehow the douche bags that run this franchise figure out a way to take it one step lower.

Side note: I’m allergic to dogs. Between Dog-Lover Kelly and this friggin date, I’d be hosed this season.

I find it amusing that Andi is concerned about her naked photo shoot. She mentions something about putting people in jail everyday, which makes me think she’s worried about her credibility. You’re worried about that NOW? As if participating in the Bachelor franchise in general isn’t a credibility killer? I’m just a Bachelor blogger and I’ll probably never be able to have a real job again. Why do you think that the chicks that have been on this show all become purse designers and shit?

Photo shoot is dumb and then it’s off to the after-party. Juan P gives Kelly the rose because she looked like the biggest asshole, which was a nice move. But honestly, there’s nothing else to discuss about the after-party except Victoria. Victoria gets wasted, and I mean WASTED. I guarantee she didn’t remember half the things she said or did until last night, when she watched the show. She slurs to the camera, “If he happens to be mine, I’ll straddle him every day cause that’s what life is about, straddling people…and things.” I mean, that’s amazing.

She goes on to explain how she was excited she got to perform the “hymen maneuver” on Juan Pablo today. This shouldn’t be confused with the more-commonly known “Heimlich Maneuver”. I had many boys in college convince me I needed a “hymen maneuver” and I assure you, they’re quite different.

She wanders around in a wasted stupor for awhile, and then locks herself in a bathroom stall, unable to chill out or speak coherent sentences. It’s quite amazing, actually. Juan P even attempts to chat with her, but at this point, the girl needs to go away. There’s no reasoning with this. Juan P says, “It’s disappointing but I can’t judge her.” Ummm, yes you can. Judge that shit, please. If these girls are claiming they’re mature enough to handle being a MOM for fucks’ sake, then they should know to not get that drunk. This is college shit here. I’m all about being stupid-wasted once in awhile but even I know not to do it when I’m trying to trick someone into marrying me. Geesh.

The next morning Juan P goes to Victoria’s hotel room to talk to her and she is not nearly as horrified as she should be. Probably because she doesn’t remember it. She says she’s just an extreme person – she loves hard, plays hard, gets angry, blah blah blah. This isn’t a selling point – guys usually frown on extremes in the emotional arena. Anyway, he dumps her. And I love him.

Cocktail Party 

Not much to discuss here. Highlights:

• Amy, the newscaster, spends her one-on-one time with Juan P pretending to interview him. It’s the night’s first under-the-sofa moment. I mean, my god, girl. Why why why? Also, I bet she’s EXHAUSTING to have as a girlfriend.
• Sharleen slutted it up tonight! Hello dress! Also, she apologizes for being so rude when she accepted his rose last week. So that’s good. She’s WAY too smart and normal for him.
• Cassandra has a son and is freaking out and crying about her life. Do you know why? Cause’s she fucking 21 years old. 21! You can barely make your own dentist appointments at 21, let alone be a mother. If she marries Juan P, she’ll be 21 with a husband and two kids. And she’s already retired, remember? (aka “former” NBA dancer).

Rose Ceremony 

Kat, Kelly and Clare all have roses, already. The remaining roses go to:

Cassandra – 21-year-old. Mom. Retired. Hot. Soooo young.
Nikki – Who Juan P calls “Achy”, apparently. Nurse, sweet, cute. I like her.
Andi – Thinks very highly of her lawyering self.
Elise – Teacher. She actually seems normal and sweet, but there’s not much going on with her. Stay tuned.
Sharleen – Opera singer. Hates Juan P. No…likes him now. I think. I don’t know.
Renee – My favorite. She’s a mom, she’s normal, she’s cute. I dig.
Danielle – Didn’t have one sentence in tonight’s show. She’s gone next week for sure.
Lucy – Free spirit. Besides the nakedness and spinning, dare I say she seemed more normal this week?
Allison (Alli?) – No clue.
Chelsie – Super spazzy 24-year-old.
Lauren – Piano biker from week one. Forgot to open her mouth this week.
Christy – Not much going on with her either.

Victoria was sent home earlier, along with Chantel and Amy. Pretty obvious choices. Did I list who my top five were yet? Let’s see, I think Nikki, Renee, Andi, Kat and Clare will be the top 5. I don’t know what happens, since I don’t read spoilers, so there you have it.

Next Sunday is a “Bachelor Love Stories” special, so I guess I’ll watch that. Then Juan P on Monday. Sean and Catherine’s wedding is the 26th. Juan-uary is exhausting.


  1. I'm kind of liking the free spirit. I thought it was cool that she said something like, 'sure, I'm fine with taking my shirt off... as usual.' That was funny.

    Oh the lawyer... that pissed me off. If you don't want to take your clothes off, then DON'T. Tell them NO. Get a spine, for God's sake. 'Oooh, I wasn't ok with it, but then the Wonder of Siam came over and said he'd do it with me, so ok!' What a dingbat. Your credibility is already shot. You're a dingbat on THE BACHELOR. That ship already sailed. Just go home and read a book.

    Ok, Bob the Builder is over. I have to go now.

  2. Glad you screen grabbed the hot tub boner. Between Clare and Nikki, he clearly likes the blondes and has the most sexual chem with them. Wait for Sharleen to get cray in upcoming episodes.

  3. Having watched more seasons of this stupid show than I am willing to admit, they always put people in situations that make them uncomfortable. Afraid of heights? You're going bungee jumping. Can barely tread water? You're going cliff diving. So, of course they don't ask Lucy, the one who walks around with no clothing the other 364 days of the year to wear the cardboard signs.
    I am deathly afraid of diamonds, good wine and exotic vacations. If Juan Pablo asks, I am willing to the push the boundaries of my comfort zone. J

  4. Your recaps are so funny! Everything you said I was thinking or ranting about the whole time while watching. I will definitely be tuning in for more of your updates! :-)

  5. Great recap! Thanks for posting the hot tub picture, it'll forever be burned on my brain.

  6. "You don't read any spoilers"????? Your blog format is identical to Reality Steve's. Oh - and good guess on the final four. Really????

  7. I just read a story today on Elise the teacher. She's in a porno lol! Was she not one of the girls who didnt want to take off her clothes? I knew there would be some dirt on a few of these bitches haha.....love it!

  8. I just wanted to let you know that you have a new fan. I read your blog for the first time today and it's definitely my new favorite for bachelor recaps. I can't wait for future posts!

  9. Please don't shorten your posts! They are so funny and worth the time!

  10. Jen - I love your blog. I read both you & RS. You both have a way of writing to catch my attention. I look forward to your posts every Tuesday. I love your take on things. :) Don't shorten anything. I respect your wish not have anything spoiled. Therefore, I'll give you my favorite & my son's (who is 15 btw)... I've leaned toward Nikki since day one. My son is in love with Elise. We'll see how things pan out. :) Have a wonderful weekend! See you Tuesday.