Monday, January 6, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – Juan Pablo...come to mama

I know the real season starts tonight, but I thought I’d just say hello and give you a couple thoughts I had tonight on the preview. Otherwise known as the cry-my-ass-off-cause-Gia-is-dead episode or the Juan-Pablo-is-super-hot-but-not-smart episode or why-can’t-he-strap-his-kid-into-a-car-seat episode.

First of all, Happy Juanuary. I love all the stupid Juan-isms that ABC has come up with by the way. I plan to create a few more, though they’ll never be as clever. Speaking of clever, I don’t think Juan Pablo is too sharp. He’s absolutely hot, and seems like a sweet guy, but I’m not sure he’s appearing on Jeopardy anytime soon. Also, he’s a sports consultant? What the fuck is that? That’s code for any dude who is unemployed who likes sports.

The chicks 

This stupid preview episode covers a lot about the audition process, which is awesome. I wish they did a whole season on finding and interviewing these dingbats, complete with footage from behind-closed-doors discussions with the producers when they choose the chicks. “We need Basil on the show – she’s fucking crazy, has size F breast implants and describes herself as “homeless but hey I have an iPhone.” From what they showed us, I bet there is a massive treasure trove of audition crap.

Who is the chick that was a virgin until two weeks ago? She’s auditioning for the Bachelor so clearly that guy didn’t work out. So she’s probably heartbroken, a born-again virgin and a crazy religious fanatic. Man, I hope she was chosen.

Chris Harrison, who I affectionately call “Smitty” for no reason at all, gets to notify the women they were chosen to be on the show. Actually him and a fat, bearded producer who probably likes to grope the ladies. Anyway, he goes to some store where he gives Lucinda, the 24-year-old “free spirit” a rose. She wraps her legs around him, causing Smitty’s first boner of the season. Let’s talk about “Free Spirit”. That’s code for…not just unemployed, but unemployed because she claims that any job is about the “man” holding her down. She also drinks grass, refuses to shave her bikini and plans to give birth in a bathtub in her home. Not judging the free spirits out there, but well, yeah, kind of judging.

Who the fuck is Christy from Illinois? How hot is she, just lounging around her home at 3pm…and who are these friends free on a Tuesday morning to come over? Speaking of being free, these ladies are told they have to leave THAT DAY for Los Angeles? Who the fuck can do that? No job? No bills to pay? I’ll tell you who…free spirits, that’s who.

 "I'm a free spirit...weee!"

And then there's this one:

Juan P 

Juan Pablo run down: He was raised in Venezuela, played pro soccer for awhile and claims that his daughter is the best thing that’s happened to him, but I find that hard to believe since he had to give up his soccer-playing, groupie-banging days. Just kidding. I’m sure she’s wonderful. And hopefully she’s smart too, so she can learn to buckle her own ass into her car seat since Juan P can’t:

Next we meet his crazy family. Or should I say totally normal family with the exception of three fucking lunatic girl cousins. Secretly, I bet they all want to bang Juan P. Also he has seventeen uncles, all apparently named “Fur-rico”. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.


And now the Gia segment… I think it was actually quite nice and I cried my ass off. Her death was friggin sad… and she was so HOT! If I looked like her I would just stand somewhere all day, yelling “LOOK HOW HOT I AM.” Anyway, they did a nice tribute to her. I bet she was a nice gal. So sad. Also, Ames looks bananas.

Finally, we wrap up with previews from this season and of course, it all looks riveting. And I’m not being sarcastic. I’m so into this shit, it’s pathetic. I love the chick bawling, “Juan Pablo I hope you die!” I mean, easy. Anyway, see you guys tomorrow – weee!


  1. Omg I don't know what I missed more the show or your blog! Can't stop laughing! U are hilarious!!!

  2. Okay honestly, when I was watching the segment about the girls and their audition tapes, a sad, sad thought came into my head: these bitches are the reason that awesome, normal girls like me are still single. Because they go out and guys interact with THEM, and then they ruin it for the rest of us because the guys like are like, shit, what's wrong with girls these days?
    Okay, maybe that thought only lasted for a few seconds... then it was just, holy shit, these girls are dumb. SO DUMB.
    I'm currently living in Ecuador, so I have to wait a day to watch each episode, but I think it's hilarious seeing all the Latin stuff with the family, and all those dumb girls trying to speak Spanish. Oh lord.

    As usual, your post made me laugh out loud. Can't wait to read more!

  3. Hated the Gia bullshit. If she got hit by a car maybe, but not when she commits suicide. Excited to have you back Jen!

  4. Love that you are back Jen ... I am totally horizontal with you on Juan Pablo.

    Juan Pablo do it to me Baby ,,, and do it hard.

    *I am totally in the gutter and loving it!*

    The girl with the fist in her mouth ... hmmm okay bragging rights lol lol

    Love you blog!
    Joanne ~ VancouverChic

  5. I thought you were gonna rip into crazy Jenna with her crazy hair! The blogger from New York that was from Seans season I think?

  6. You are so funny! I hope you never stop blogging about this show. Laughing out loud as I read your blog, and my husband is looking at me like I'm crazy. Keep it up!