Monday, January 13, 2014

The Bachelor Recap – Sunday Night Stupidness

Is anybody actually watching this Sunday night crap? In case you weren’t aware, every Sunday night in Juan-uary has a Bachelor special, but if last night’s show was any indication, you can skip them. They’re really stupid… But don’t skip Sunday, January 26th because that’s Sean and Catherine’s wedding, and the pathetic-Bachelor fan in me can’t miss that one.

There is truly nothing to really recap here, since most of the show was repeating the same previews we’ve already seen, and recapping some of the chicks we’ve already met. But I’ll give you the highlights:

 • Juan P and Smitty crash some viewing parties last week during the premiere. Juan P was waaaaay into it and he looked hotter than ever, actually. I’m still not sure he’s capable of stringing coherent thoughts together in a semi-intelligent way, but I don’t care because I’d still bang him into tomorrow.
• Avery, the 13-year-old fan at one party comments, “It’s great to watch the show because it shows that love and happiness and those things really do happen. It’s not just fairy tales but it’s real life.” Just suck that in for a minute. This moment makes me want to throw all our televisions out the window and lock my daughter in a box. I hope that was a wake-up call to her parents. Hello? She’s learning about real life and real love from The BACHELOR. I mean…whaaaaa? Cry for help! Cry for help!
• Juan P’s first date on tonight’s episode is with Clare. The date is a winter wonderland in LA, which means they have to create fake snow on a fake field with a fake ice skating rink. This seems like a MASSIVE waste of money and resources, no? Just take her to the beach, geesh. Little Camila gets to check out the snow and it sucks up ten minutes of this godforsaken hour. (Please note on the way to the fake snow place, Camila WAS in fact, strapped into her car seat correctly)
• They show the women moving into the house (lots of squealing) and then they show the women who were sent home after the first rose ceremony. They’re still crying in their hotel rooms. Just go home and put this behind you… but for the love of God, STOP TALKING about it. Crazy Amy is still spewing about her sadness, but this time with no makeup or concealer. Just. Stop. Talking.
• We recap some of the women and preview tonight’s episode. Victoria gets BEYOND wasted and it’s gonna be AWESOME. Free Spirit Asshole gets a whole lot of naked and stays that way, because “she feels closer to nature that way.” This is code for, “I have unimaginable insecurities and I will literally do ANYTHING for people to pay five minutes of attention to me.

That’s it – truly. None of you watched it anyway. I’ll see you tonight though!


  1. I watched! And then came here for your blog! :-)

  2. I watched too! Can't get enough of this crap!

  3. I watched it and drank a bottle of wine, so I guess I didn't completely waste an hour of my life.