Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Juan gets kissing practice, still can't speak English

First, let me apologize for last week. I missed the recap because I was in Mexico and apparently they don’t let people watch that crap in Mexico on the Internet. Plus, you know, I was busy having fun. But I’m really sorry! And MAN you people know how to give a girl shit! I love that you love me enough to give me shit about missing it though. In case I haven’t said it in awhile, I love all of you. Will you all accept my rose? That doesn’t make sense.

So I didn’t recap last week, but let me just TOUCH on the small detail that Clare and Juan P humped their brains out in an ocean. You all realize they really did hump, right? 100%, no doubt about it. Why else would there have been such ridiculous drama afterwards? I don’t know who sucks more here – Clare or Juan P. I don’t really care that she was a tad slutty and humped him, but I just don’t think I’d hump a guy who is clearly making out with (getting blow jobs from, finger banging, whatever) ten other girls. She’s doing it in a sad attempt to land him, when in reality, the fact she’ll bang him has nothing to do with whether he’d pick her for a wife. It’ll probably work against her, actually. OMG even writing this out makes me realize how completely fucked up this premise is. But that’s what makes it aweeeeeesome for us to watch.

So after the hump fest, Juan P tells Clare they made a mistake and took it too far, etc. With his weird language translation, it’s hard to tell if he’s taking any of the blame for this, but he fucking should. You got bigger problems than your daughter seeing you make out with a chick in the ocean. For one, you’re ON the Bachelor to find a wife. Two, you make out with everyone. There is no difference between making out with three and six girls. You’re going to need to talk to her about all this one day, so chill the fuck out, Juan P. And then he sent home Kelly (dog girl) and Danielle (still no clue who that was). There’s my recap.

This Week 

Onto this week, there are now eight girls left and they head to New Zealand. I have a friend from New Zealand who has a house on Lake Taupo so I spent half the show texting him about it. He has no idea what “The Squeeze” was and he said the Huka Lodge is bananas expensive and beautiful. He was more concerned with what this exposure will do to his property values. I assured him it will raise values but he’ll have to clean out all the herpes now floating in his lake.

Before we dive into the dates, Clare claims that last week in Vietnam, “everything kind of blew up in my face”. So THAT could be misconstrued.

Andi Date 

Andi says she wants to have a breakthrough with Juan Pablo on this date. Or have him breakthrough her vagina. Sorry, I’m out of practice.

Juan P planned a very adventurous date, because he needs to make sure she trusts him. Ummm, but he’s never been there either…so….For the record, I feel like I repeat myself every goddamn week. The fact that the producers planned an outing and have a medic standing by has ZERO to do with trust. Also, how is THIS even slightly romantic:

I give her points for wearing a one-piece. It comes across as not as slutty, and it’s actually harder to look good in a one-piece. Anyhoo, they take a jet boat to some hot springs place, which requires you to squeeze through mossy rock walls to get there. Then they do this:

I think it’s supposed to look more sensual and less water-torture-y.

After the excursion, they head to dinner in front of a geyser, which is phallicly exploding. The producers were probably sooooo proud of themselves.

The geyser ended up spewing all over them, ruining their dinner. Andi says she doesn’t care about the dinner, just the conversation. This is the reason we couldn’t be friends. I’d be super pissed my dinner was ruined. So they go on a walk and park their hungry asses on some bridge. They talk and she says, “If I didn’t have a job or nice things in life, I’d be ok with just having love.” No you wouldn’t. That’s a lie. If you and Juan Pablo really loved each other, but lived under a fucking bridge in Detroit, you would not be happy.

Juan P ends the date by saying, “Andi’s great. She wants a family. She wants somebody to spend the rest of her life with…kinda just like me.” Ooooooor anyone else on the show. Or 90% of single girls on the planet. But sure, she’s super special. She gets the rose.

Group Date 

The group date is for Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee, Nikki, Kat and Cassandra. Cassandra turns 22 today, which puts her solidly at only one DECADE behind Juan Pablo.

They have a picnic on a field and then roll down a huge hill while inside massive inflatable balls. I admit that looks crazy fun. Even wet blanket Nikki says it’s super fun. Also, what is Sharleen’s swimsuit all about? Also I have nothing to say about this, but it's gross for some reason:

After that they go to Hobbiton, where New Zealand is still trying to milk all they can from Lord of the Rings. Sharleen is geeking out, as she calls it. She’s thrilled to be there. Well, if we needed one more reason to hate her, there you go.

Juan P spends the night switching between each girl and making out with each one. Renee says she loves kissing Juan Pablo and would love to kiss him for the rest of her life. FINALLY! Someone honest. We don’t want to marry the guy, but he’d be AWESOME to bang for the rest of your life. Amiright?

Nikki tells Juan P that she’s falling for him but it’s scary because she could get hurt so her reaction is to pull back so its hard but its going to be totally worth it OH MY GOD, THEY ALL SAY THE SAME SHIT. Not only that, but everyone thinks those things. I’m getting jaded…might this be my last season recapping? Seriously, I say the same shit every week.

The moments with Sharleen are horrifying. They have ZERO to say to each other. He says hi, she says hi…aaaand they start kissing. She pulls away to ask him, “How are you feeling?” Guys LOVE to stop making out to talk about their feelings. He barely answers, kisses her again, and she stops to ask him, “How do you think I’m feeling?” Could he hate her more? STOP TALKING. You’re clearly not going to have some insane intellectually stimulating time with this dude. Take it for what it is, shut up and stick your damn tongue in his mouth. Geesh.

She then comments, “This process is inorganic for me.” The guy doesn’t know what “tree” means in English, he sure as hell isn’t going to know what “inorganic” means. Also, SHE’S fucking inorganic to me.

He has a PAINFULLY boring talk with Cassandra and then oddly gives the rose to Sharleen. What the heck? Maybe he thinks “inorganic” means “super horny and slutty”.

Whose cat is that?

After he gives the rose to Sharleen, he takes Cassandra outside to chat and gives her the best birthday present he could – he lets her go home to her son Tray. I know that’s not how you spell it but it’s how I’m going to spell it.

Clare Date 

Juan P says, “I got in trouble last week with Clare. I am learning my boundaries.” He adds, “In my country, it’s OK to have the sex with lots of women all day long. I like the love. I like the vagine.”

Clare says he hurt her feelings last week. Waa waa, what a baby. Suck it up. It’s not THAT bad when a guy has sex with you and then tells you he totally regrets it. Oh wait…yes. Yes it is.

 Totally unrelated. Sometimes the Olympics freak me out.

They have a strange discussion about the incident, and I’m super confused thanks to his wacky English. He tries to keep it delicate. I don’t know what that means. He says, “Promise I won’t make you cry.” To which she replies, “Ummm, don’t make me cry?” She has a point.

They head to a hotel lobby and put on Hammer pants. I want some of those. He asks her if her heart is melting. I throw a shoe at the screen.

OMG is she still talking? Juan P says, “I like listening to you.” Liar. That’s what you say when you’ve totally zoned out and have no clue what she just said so you have to say something else to respond but not give away the fact you aren’t listening. She gets the rose.

Cocktail Party 

I almost have an under-the-sofa moment during his conversation with Smitty. Juan P says, “I’ll have six great girls left, who will…go with me…someplace else. In two days.”

Juan P and his ill-fitting suit don’t have a cocktail party – they just have a rotation of turns slurping his face. He talks with Nikki: hi, hi, I like you a lot, why, I just do, SLUUUUUUURP.

Renee comments that it’s nerve-wracking to be the only single mom left. The minute he knows she’s not the one, he’ll send her ass home. So basically, she’ll shit her pants every time he takes her into another room. After their talk, Juan P claims there’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kids. Liar. Seriously, that’s not attractive. Sweet maybe, but I’ve never had sexy talk with my husband that involved the kids. Gross.


Kat has been journaling since she’s been on the show. And probably scrapbooking. Maybe quilting, since she’s apparently 60. And since when is journaling a real word? She tells Juan P about the time when she was only five years old and her baby sister was crying in her crib. She went to get her Dad but he was passed out drunk. So she had to crawl into the crib until the baby stopped crying. AT AGE FIVE. OH MY GOD. That shit is heartbreaking. Juan P if you send her home, I’ll punch you. The girl needs a hug, not a goddamn journal.

Rose Ceremony 

Andi, Clare and Sharleen already have roses. The others go to:

-Nikki: Nurse, bitchy last week but might be nicer now. Totally delusional about the state of her relationship with Juan P.
-Renee: I will make sweet love to her. I love her. However, I feel she wouldn’t be happy with Juan P, which makes me sad. I will find you true love, Renee. Hopefully you’ll be the next Bachelorette.
-Chelsie: Talks waaaay too much and seems waaaay too young. She’s gone next.

Therefore, Kat goes home and to her credit she leaves like a champ. She smiles, hugs him and says, “Good luck”. There’s not a lot of “whyyyyyyy didn’t you pick me? Waaaaa!” She’s a big girl. I dig it. Then she gets into the limo and loses her shit, but just a little. She says, “We were at a different point than the rest of the girls, but I was OK with that. It’s a marathon not a sprint, right?” Ummm, no. No, sweetie. You meet a guy and get engaged in three weeks or something. That’s the definition of a love sprint. A sex-filled wife-search sprint.

Sharleen starts up her weird whining shit again. She says she’s happy to be there, but she feels like it’s wrong somehow. She also says she can see other girls here suiting him better. So why the hell are you there? Oh yeah, to travel the world for free and touch Juan P’s penis. She says she’ll give it just ONE more week. Good for you, Shar. Way to take the high road.

See you guys next week! Down to six girls – weee!


  1. It goes against my Husky blood to love you so much! So glad you are back!

    LOL at the Olympic picture - haahahaha!

    Thanks Jen!

  2. Please don't stop blogging! I watch this crazy show to read the funny re-caps.

    Thank you, Jen.

  3. Hope you had a great vacation and got your party on! Mexico with girlfriends, no kids, no husband....TEQUILA! Sure did miss your recap though, but we all need a break every now and then.
    Thanks for another great recap. I am not really into Juan P, but am so hooked into this show. While watching all the tongue slurping going on I can just imagine what your comment will be! I usually get pretty close to it, but your the writer, not me...so thanks for the humor and your put it out there comments. Love it! It just takes so long for me to read them due to laughing so much! Have a great day!!! Until next week! Sherry

  4. how did i just find you?! i think we have the same brain. at least in regards to this train wreck of a show that i CAN'T.STOP.WATCHING.

  5. Hysterical. Love the recap. I thought the same about the cat. I didn't know that Hobbits even had cats. Well, learn something everyday

  6. Missed you last week! It just wasn't the same without your snark. They just want you to think JP and Clare bumped uglies in the ocean. They were wearing swimsuits (unlike the Ben and Courtney ocean frolic -ewww), and, frankly, it's not that easy to 'do it' standing up and waist deep in water. And, with cameras on you the whole time? Even those two wouldn't do it with a camera crew watching. Clare had her little melt down because he basically slut shamed her into thinking his 4 year old would think less of him-- or something. If they'd had sex, she wouldn't be insisting they'd done nothing "inappropriate." She was just reacting to his ever-vacillating moral stance. What a tool.

  7. I disagree that they had sex In the ocean. If you watch the ten foot waves, they were getting knocked around all over the place and I can't imagine how hard it would be to do that--they could barely even kiss bc the waves kept slamming them In the face.

  8. If Juan P tells another girl she's "one of his special ones" I'M going to throw a shoe at the screen.

    He's hot, to be sure, but he's wearing on me.

    {So glad you're back.}

  9. Yeaa you're back!It's no fun watching the bachelor if I can't have a hearty laugh after, reading your blog! This blog's lol moment for me was the "whose cat is that?" comment...I thought the same watching, but you writing it had me in splits!! You have great comedic timing, real talent...don't ever stop writing : )

  10. Should I be offended by the 60 and quilting remark?

  11. Hi Jen - Matt in CO here - I have to post anonymously so I don't get rejected for any future jobs :)

    Is anyone else having trouble posting from an iMac?

    JP nailed Clare they even discussed the fact that " he could have said no" several times - maybe it wasn't in the ocean but he most definitely hit that - maybe they got away from the cameras somehow?

    We Huskies need to cut Jen some slack for being a Yucky Duck - she's Canadian and she was young and naive and didn't know any better!!

    Who gave Jen permission to have a life outside of this blog?!? I don't recall being asked and I DO NOT approve!!

  12. I very, very much agree with you about the word "journaling." It made me want to barf last night. Also the thing about the cat. I had thought the exact same thing. And Juan Pablo has achieved Creep Factor 10 with me. He actually scares me at this point; I have the feeling that he gets off on manipulating women.

  13. If he doesn't pick Renee can I help you find her somebody? I love her too.
    I think the cat was a prop. It was too still to be real. Maybe. I don't know. I hate cats.
    You didn't mention the sheep poop throwing! Hilarious!
    Welcome back. Hope your transition to the real world has been smooth.

  14. Jen, Missed you SO much last week - but hope you had a great time. I just HAVE to mention this riveting conversation:

    HER: I like you a lot.
    HIM: How much is a lot?
    HER: More than a little.
    HIM: How much is a little?

    I could barf.

  15. I still love Sharleen, and I loved her even more for being so into Hobbiton or whatever it was called. I'm not a LOTR fan, but I would die if I met the original Star Wars cast, so I appreciate geeking out over something you love. I get the impression that she thinks JP is hot, and she's not immune to the physical attraction, but as soon as she's away from the pheromones, she's the only one smart enough to question if she actually likes him as a person. Because he sucks. And he refuses to have an actual conversation with any of them. "Oh you have a serious question for me that might actually help determine whether we're compatible? SMOOOOOOOCH."

    Oh, p.s. I really hope Kat gets some therapy, and I mean that in a totally not bitchy way. She went through some terrible stuff, and she's clearly not past it. I think it would do her some good to work on that, because she even admits it's making it difficult for her to have good relationships.

  16. Did anyone else hear that Cassandra called him just Juan? Did she not remember his whole name? Love the blog Jen! You make my Tuesday.

  17. This is seriously awesome! The show is a total vice for me to escape from my drama free reality, don't get me wrong, as I thank god everyday for this reality but I love reading your blog just nodding along yep, uh-huh...EXACTLY knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way! My girlfriend's and I bust up every week. PLEASE keep them coming!

  18. Jen you have competition for Renee - my wife said I could bring her home so watch your back!

    JP should have kept Kat over Chelsea good grief - let Kat get her baggage out in the open and let it go - she's the most athletic of the bunch, nice bod, pretty smart

    Chelsea. Just.shut.up.already.

    My top 5 were Andi, Renee, Kat, Clare, and Nikki - buh-bye opera bitch, Cassandra, and Chelsea

    Now it's a top 4 with Clare, Andi, Renee, and Nikki

    Can't wait for the licking frosting off a banana contest - oh wait that was another show I was watching...

  19. To be honest, I like Sharleen. She's sort of normal. Like, competing for his attention seems to be a turn off for her. I have to say though, lose that 80's dark a$$ lipstick. Nobody wears stuff that dark anymore, do they? That cat! I kept pulling on my husband telling him that there was a cat on the sofa. Awesome recap. But I don't like Kat. She's strange.

  20. To be honest, I like Sharleen. She's sort of normal. Like, competing for his attention seems to be a turn off for her. I have to say though, lose that 80's dark a$$ lipstick. Nobody wears stuff that dark anymore, do they? That cat! I kept pulling on my husband telling him that there was a cat on the sofa. Awesome recap. But I don't like Kat. She's strange.

  21. So ummmm how did you provide no commentary on the end of the show with the group date in bikinis running through a field chasing sheep. And the Juan Pablo being proud of the fact that he was picking up sheep poop and throwing it at the girls as a game. And Renee through it back? No wonder Sharleen is questioning him. So. Grossed. Out.

  22. I feel bad for whoever ends up with him. He's a moron. I've not heard him say one intelligent thing the entire season. I also think he treats all of the women like little girls. He baby talks to them & keeps touching their hair & tells them they can't be sad. It's annoying.
    You know what else is annoying? Clare's sexy-baby voice. We're going to see her lose her shit at some point. She scares me. Master manipulator.

  23. The more I see JP, the less attractive I find him. There is no intelligent life there. He simply cannot have an intelligent conversation. As soon as anything of substance is said, he quick plays with their hair and dives in to stick his tongue down their throats. The only reason I'm still watching is for the entertainment value - and to have context for your awesome recaps!