Tuesday, February 18, 2014

The Bachelor Recap - Sharleen and her 1991 Wardrobe Head Home

Bitches and Hot-but-Dumb Juan P are in Miami this week. The girls are excited to be here because it’ll be what life is really like with Juan P……….and they say this as they check into the Penthouse Suite of the Lowes hotel. Yup, exactly like it.

FYI - Sharleen is wearing fish bone earrings.

Sharleen Date 

Sharleen begins her two-hour whine fest, complaining about the lack of “cerebral connection” between them. What a wet blanket. LOOK AT HIM! Isn’t that enough? Now you want intellectual stimulation, conversation and shit like that? Such annoying high standards. Women!

She says today is the day she should know if he should meet her family and maybe become a part of it. Well at least she’s not putting TOO much pressure on the date. My God. She needs a chill pill. That’s right, I said chill pill. It’s like1997, people.

Of COURSE she gets the yacht date. This is the date I would want. Sitting around a lot, eating and drinking on a yacht. With Juan P’s aggressive tongue in my mouth all afternoon. Mmmm. Anyway, they drive around, swim, eat dinner, whatever. The only thing to note is that they literally don’t talk about anything and all they do is make out. She goes on and on about how she has a hard time not kissing him and it’s hard to stay focused, blaaaaaah. Stay focused on what? Just ENJOY it, you self-absorbed cerebrum lady. She fucking thinks too much. Isn’t it clear he’s not going to be the most intellectual dude on the planet? But she keeps saying how happy she is when she’s with him and how sexy he is. So can’t that be enough for now?

OK I’m half kidding. Of course, with all the bashing I do about these stupid ladies who fall in love in three minutes and act like they’ll DIE if they don’t get engaged in three weeks, you’d think I’d love Sharleen. And it IS amazing that she’s smart enough to think whether she’d actually be HAPPY with him forever, and she’s smart enough not to let the competition factor get to her. She has the balls to be honest with him and herself. All good things. I just think she’s a little high and mighty about it – she thinks she’s so much better than him. And she doesn’t allow herself to just chill. She even said, “When we’re together, I’m just happy which is something I just don’t allow myself to feel very often.” SEE PEOPLE? Why isn’t she allowing herself to be happy with Juan penis is her vagine? Me don’t get that.

Anyway, they eat dinner and do more of this:

For real, Juan. Yucks. That shit is GRAPHIC. She AGAIN comments on the intense sexual chemistry and says, “It gives me great pause”. Oh fuck, calm down, horny Sally. Then she says this, which really pisses me off: “I wish I wasn’t as smart so I could just be like, duh, it’s so much simpler.” Fuck you and your big brain. I’m SORRY you can’t be dumber and just enjoy life. Geesh. (For the record, half this is a joke. She deserves major props for having the balls and brain to know he’s not right for her. I just think she’s a little high-strung. Also, hands down, she has the WORST taste in clothes I have ever seen on this show. By a landslide.)

Nikki Date 

Juan P says he has a surprise for Nikki, which turns out to be the single worst surprise in Bachelor history. Not only does Nikki have to sit through a 4 year-olds dance recital, but she has to meet Juan P’s parents and best of all – the insanely hot baby mama. She barely disguises her bummed out-ness. She’s probably all, “Yo, where’s the yacht? Fuck Camila. Please, I want to dry hump you on a boat.”

But what she actually says is, “I’m flattered. It’s not what I was expected. I’m speechless.” Then she adds on, “Wow, I wish I didn’t wear these massively slutty shorts now.”

They head to the recital and I’m not sure Camila has a future in Broadway. Just sayin’. After the recital, Camila runs to Juan P and Nikki first. If I was divorced and my daughter ran to daddy and his new whore before me, shit would hit the fan. They say hi, hang out a bit and leave.

They head to Marlins Park where she is forced to play baseball despite the fact she’s not dressed for it at all. I mean, how are her boobs not popping out of that shirt? Also, she’s so pissed she has to sweat right now.

They sit down to chat and she shows signs of intelligence by asking how she would fit into the equation – with Camila, hot baby mama, etc. It’s a valid point. If Camila is with Nikki, and acts like a little asshole, can Nikki punish her? Or is that reserved for real mom? I’m sure these things work themselves out, but props to bitch Nikki for asking. Of course, Juan P doesn’t understand the question at all.

Sharleen decides to dump Juan P. I was going to give this part it’s own section, complete with it’s own header and everything. But then I realized there’s nothing to say. She goes to Juan P’s suite, and tells him, “The idea of a proposal doesn’t seem like something that’s possible for me.” Ever. With anyone. Nobody is smart enough. NOBODY.

Juan P takes it in stride, and tells her she can’t be sorry for how she feels. He tells the camera it takes guts to be honest in this situation. She stares at his lips and tells him he smells good. Who’s the intelligent one now? Oh yeah, probably still Sharleen.

Group Date 

100% NOT Chris Harrison's handwriting

Renee, Andi, Clare and Chelsie take a seaplane ride with Juan P to a private island where they take turns making out with him. Again. That’s all these dates consist of – kissing, hair rubbing and very little talking. Highlights from his conversations with the girls:

Chelsie: He says, “She has a happy vibe.” Which is code for, “OMG she’s totally going home.” Renee: Oops no coverage. Must have been RIVETING.
Andi: “Waaaaaaaa, I want reassurance! Waaaaaa!”
Clare: “So I have this DVD I have to tell you about….”

He then gives a rose to Andi, which means she is guaranteed a hometown date and the other girls have to get their sandy asses back on the seaplane alone. Andi gets to spend the rest of the day/night with Juan P alone.

They apparently swim back to Miami, find a place to shower, and get dressed. Does Andi have to carry that rose around with her all night? That’s annoying. They head to a club to dance to Latin music and it’s clear she’s got NO rhythm. I don’t either, so I can’t bash it, but well yes, I can. MAN she’s bad.

The girls get home and somehow Nikki and Clare get into a fight. Thanks to crappy editing (or maybe just my crappy listening), I have no idea how it really started. Clare goes to talk to Nikki and they basically just bitch each other out. Here’s my take: Clare is certainly a little crazy. She’s insecure and a tad on the nutty side, but has good intentions. The girl just wants someone to watch the damn DVD people, and who can blame her? Nikki is a fucking bitch. OK I don’t know her and this shit is edited, but she is just bitchy.

Here’s how their fight went…and this also explains a bit about why Juan P’s lack of intelligence isn’t a problem for them:

Clare: What happened down there? Did I say something bad?
Nikki: Fuck you, I’m a bitch and I hate you.
Clare: But you can’t say that in this room. I own this hotel room.
Nikki: No you don’t. We all just rented it. My shit is in the room. And by shit, I really mean shit. Have you seen this shithole? Holy cow, I’m a pig!
Clare: I’m sorry, it’s just…See, I have this DVD….
Nikki: Did you pee on Juan P? Cause I peed on him too.
Clare: Dude, gross. Oh wait, yes I peed on him in the ocean. When I banged him. Sometimes that happens when I orgasm. It’s this issue I’m having with the muscle walls of my bladder. See the bladder is a complicated organ, when one---
Nikki: I’m still a bitch! Get out! It’s my room!
Clare: Did you pay for it?
Nikki: Well, no. Did you? Did you sleep here? I’m a BITCH!
Clare: OK I’ll leave. But I chose to leave MY hotel. I OWN this hotel.
Nikki: What?
Clare: I don’t know.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the cock and tail party:

• Nikki says, “The last thing I want to do is hang out with my boyfriend and crazy Clare.” Ummm, your boyfriend? Sounds like someone else peed on Juan. Easy, Nikki.
• Chelsie comments that Nikki doesn’t willingly participate in conversations and that she’s very high school. Oddly, I trust Chelsie on that one.
• Nikki is way overly confident here, saying she basically already has a rose and she met his family so she’s clearly winning. Smug bitch. Shut it.
• Clare and Nikki sit together in silence and it’s awesome. It’s more entertaining than them fighting actually.

Rose Ceremony 

Andi already has a rose. The others go to:

-Nikki – The super bitchy, smug nurse. Hates Clare. Can’t keep a hotel room neat. Owns Loews Miami Beach.
-Clare – Owns a DVD, slightly crazy, peed on Juan P.
-Renee – Oh my poor girl. Awesome, hot, normal, sweet. Code for….will only last one more week. BOO.

Therefore, Chelsie goes home. Juan P is taking it hard. He walks her out. He’s sobbing and she says, “Really it’s no problem I had a great time its nice to meet a good guy for once if there’s a better match for you I want you to have that match you’re so wonderful good luck.”

In all honesty, she was probably the best one left (except for Renee), but she’d be too exhausting to Juan P. She doesn’t sit still and let Juan put his tongue in her mouth often enough.

Next week is a two-day Bachelor event? Good lord. Although, I admit, I’m SUPER intrigued. What goes down in the fantasy suite? What is Clare’s ugly sister all about? I kind of can’t wait. See you next week!


  1. Yes. Yes. I canNOT wait to find out:

    What. The heck. Is With. The UGLY sister?

  2. Cock and tail party.....lmao!!!

  3. Jen, I'm so disappointed that you are anti-Sharleen! I respect your opinion but it sucks this time and you're totally wrong. ;-) Seriously, it was such a breath of fresh air to have someone like Sharleen on this show, i.e., someone articulate, intelligent and elegant, and willing to actually be thoughtful and evaluate their ultimate reasons for being on the show. I loved that she actually told Juan Pablo the truth, whether it be her qualms about having children or the "process" that is this reality show, and called this show out for what it is - a strange, inorganic way to meet your potential future husband while he is dating more than two dozen other women. And who cares if she knows that she is smart? It would be nice to see women better represented on this show (neither the alleged doctoral candidate that they had a few seasons back, and Andi the attorney this season, strike me as that smart). Somehow such confidence in a woman is unfortunately interpreted as arrogance, even from a witty, seemingly intelligent woman like you. It's really disappointing. In case anyone's interested, I thought this was a thoughtful, refreshing read: http://theweek.com/article/index/256548/lessons-of-the-bachelor-how-to-exit-a-reality-show-with-dignity

  4. As always - your recap is even better then the show! One of them (Nikki?) said at least once that she hoped Claire didn't get a hometown date as her level of crazy doesn't just invent itself... her family must be crazy too!

    And next time you talk to your BFF Chris HArrison, can you tell him that saying next week is the "MOST SHOCKING EVENT IN BACHELOR HISTORY" is a bit like crying wolf? They've kind of used that tag line a few too many times!

    Thanks as always for my tuesday laughs!

  5. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who had a wtf moment when seeing Clare's troll sister. Ugh...I wonder if the other four hit the rest of the branches whilst falling from the fugly tree. I think you are so hilarious, although bitchy nikki is one of my favorites. Andi was my pick as she stepped out of the limo, though.

  6. Ugh...Clare's troll sister! I wonder if the other four sisters hit every branch whilst falling from the fugly tree, too? I do like bitchy Nikki tho, one of my faves. Andi was my pick out of the limo, tho. We'll see!

  7. There's something wrong in the world when even my wife is off the Juan Pablo bandwagon. That boy is D-U-M. What kind of idiot takes 1 of 6 random girls to meet his family, ex, and daughter on some random date? Also, remind me not to party with your girl RSY, sounds like she's way too smart to have any fun. Keep it up Jen!

  8. Hey Anonymous, way to jump to conclusions! I played hooky from work this afternoon to check out a new (to me) bar in SF. So I'm not that uptight. I even had a grammatical error in my comment! (Geez, I DO sound like a nerd.) But yes, I be smart. Thanks. :-) And props to you for admitting to watching this show AND reading a blog about it.

    I said something similar in response to one of JF's earlier blogs, but I think Sharleen did this right: she got to travel, make out with a really hot guy, determined that she couldn't be with a dumb, hot jock forever and then left with her dignity intact.

    I fastforwarded through most of the non-Sharleen parts of the episode, but I will need to watch the part about Clare's sister. My curiosity is piqued.

  9. OK, my Bachelor week is complete now. Hardly saw Smitty at all and when he did appear my daughter and I both yelled out "Smitty" at the same time! we be on the JF train.
    Uh, wtf is going on with RSY and anon? Sounds like some sexual tension maybe?
    Sharleen was the most entertaining fo sho but heck, just listening to JP is a riot, ain't it? How is it he was more broke up about the teeny bop leaving than Sharleen? Daughter and I contemplated Sharleen as next Bachelorette. Daughter thought she might be too organic. wdtm? Pesticide free??

  10. Oh, and for the first time ever Smitty didn't announce the "final rose". What was up with that??

  11. Fully on board with RSY. I hate that any time a woman recognizes her own intelligence, she's seen as a bitch or a robot (and if she doesn't, people complain about false modesty). Sharleen IS smart, and had the presence of mind to realize they wouldn't work out as soon as they didn't get to make out on boats all day. She was really nice to both Juan Pablo and the other women when she left, and taking the time to tell them why she was leaving was nice. I like her, which I suppose speaks to my own self-esteem, because the things I liked most about her are things I hope I am.

    Unrelated, I thought the ugly sister was her mom. I kind of hate Clare but I feel bad if her own mom is like, "NOPE don't trust your judgment at all, sucks for you."

  12. Jen - I agreed with every word you said! I can't believe I am even saying this but if anyone in all the seasons of this show needed to get laid, it is Sharleen. For the love of Pete! I am a huge feminist but come on! Even feminists need to get some, right? That girl is high strung! She needed the fantasy suite in a big way! She should have stayed, let off a little steam and then gone on her merry way.

  13. I can't believe you didn't comment on the weird face touching Juan Pablo did to Sharleen when she was crying. I told my fiancé if he did that to me, I would punch him in the face.

    And my guess about what freaks Andi out in the fantasy suite: Smitty masturbating under the bed.

  14. I'll add my two cents (not that anyone cares) My wife watches this abysmal franchise (translation, I have to watch with her) and the only thing that gets me through it are the blogs that I read before watching it. I also enjoy the comments by the others that love the blog. My two cents are with Sharleen. I don't dislike her cause she's smart. I think that's great. I dislike her cause she knows in the beginning she doesn't want JP but (again a sterotype of women) she stays around for the free trips and adventures while giving JP the impression she likes him when all he really is to her is just some arm candy that (another sterotype) will not be in that intelligent package she desires. But who can really blame her? I see JP as someone that is really a man whore at heart having fun. This show rarely is ever about love. More like in the moment. Regardless who he selects, I can't see it lasting very long.

  15. Was that seriously Clare's sister? I thought it was her mother.

  16. Your fake conversation between Claire and Nikki is priceless! Hilarious!
    I'm really hoping that they are not showing a lot of Renee to throw us off. He has to pick her!

  17. OK Jen fans we need to do a better job supporting our gal Jen! She should have 200 comments per week!

    Purely in the spirit of support, please allow me to stir up some shit - to wit:

    What's up with you ladies shitting all over JP? Didn't he get this gig based on huge popular demand from female viewers? Isn't he getting $250k plus free travel and dates plus endorsement deals, etc. to travel the world and hook up with hot babes? Do we need to revisit this whole suffrage thing?!?

    He's not a rocket surgeon I get that, but he is bilingual and has a sweet job for a MLB team. Those jobs are highly competitive and sought after. He's also "nook smart" like Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Does he get any credit for being attracted to Sharleen's brain? He didn't like her for her fashion sense!

    Sharleen really pissed me off with her " I wish I was stupid so I could have fun" comment. Fuck you you uptight bitch. Saying "organic" a lot does not make you intelligent. WTF does that even mean in this context? Did she mean "natural"? You are an opera singer not a brain surgeon. Why didn't she ask an intelligent question or start an intellectual conversation? Bitchy Nikki did - maybe Nikki has more brains and maturity Sharleen? Anyway good riddance wet blanket.

    Clare followed Nikki upstairs, putting Nikki on the defensive. Nikki does not put up with Clare's shit and defended herself extremely well IMHO. She also didn't go around telling everyone she met Camilla. Can you imagine the shit storm that would have created? Nikki is hot and smart and works with kids. I likely Nikki.

    What "goes down" in the fantasy suite?!? Is that a Freudian slip Jen? Do you know something we don't?

    OK peeps post away!

    Husky Matt