Tuesday, March 11, 2014

The Bachelor Finale Recap – I Wish the Earth Would Suck Me

I’m so fucking confused. What a train wreck. And Nikki acts like a David Koresh disciple. Brainwashed much?

So WOW, there’s a lot to talk about. And honestly, it’s all so confusing that it’s just going to be speculation as to what this freakshow of a dude is thinking. Let’s get started.

We start in the studio with Smitty, hosting a live Bachelor viewing party with a bunch of middle-aged moms. I’m not knocking that – that’s me after all. Although I contend my clothes are more stylish. Anyway, I digress. Guess who else is there? Sean and Catherine, milking this Bachelor thing for all it’s worth. Why Chelsie and one-arm Sarah are there, is beyond me. Was that Brooks? Oh man, you know Desiree is so sad she has to go home with Chris instead of Brooks.

 I didn't make this, but I wish I did.

Clare Meets the Family 

Clare says she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo…so meeting his family “is huge to me” (That’s what she said. Sorry. That was dumb.) She walks in and greets the fam. She seems super awkward with Camila. And she even does this with her:

She is jazzed to tell them that she’s part Mexican! I bet she’s tried to hide that her whole life with her blond hair and refusing to learn Spanish. And now it’s like, “Hola! Mi nombre es Claire!”

Anyway, she chats with the family and learns that Juan Pablo is hyperactive and “saying things a bit rude.” I get the feeling his family doesn’t even like him that much.

Cousin Braces tells Clare that Juan Pablo is a crazy asshole who must be in control. He often fights with his ladies, and then he runs away, refusing to communicate about the issue at hand. Well, that was the gist of it, but he finessed the language a bit.

Juan Pablo’s dad clearly likes Clare more than Juan P does. He says his door is always open and that she’ll always have a father in him. I mean…I want to cuddle him! How sweet. That’s about it for this visit – everyone in the family warns her that Juan P is psycho but she manages to convince herself that he’s just passionate or something.

Nikki Meets the Family 

Camila looks almost as bored as I am. How much longer is there? Oh good, only two hours and 40 minutes.

Juan P’s dad warns Nikki about him, saying he’s not an easy guy. He’s stubborn, which is just code for asshole and controlling. Nikki tells Juan P Senior that she wants to have a relationship with Camila too. Ummm, YES, girlfriend. She will be your stepdaughter so that’s probably a good thing.

Juan P’s mom tells Nikki that she might want to take Camila to a park on Saturdays but Juan Pablo likes to lie in bed and watch TV. This is the ONLY thing redeeming about Juan Pablo. I love TV.

Both parents comment on the fact that Nikki seems strong enough to deal with Juan Pablo’s asshole-ness. Braces says to her, “How much fighting can you take?” I mean, for real. Can they warn these poor girls enough? But no, Nikki says, “No fighting means no passion.” Oh lord. Riiiiight. And if he HITS you in the face, it’s because he REALLY loves you. Girls are so stupid.

Back in the studio, Smitty makes the mistake of asking Catherine what she thinks, who blabs on and on incoherently. I like her, sort of, but she needs to stop talking sometimes. Do you think it drives Sean crazy?

Clare’s Final Date 

Her shorts are YELLOW.

They hop on a helicopter (aka death trap). Clare claims there is a lot of blue and green out the helicopter window so she’s on cloud nine. Ummm, ok.

Clare voiceovers that there was a moment when they were on the helicopter without cameras or audio, when Juan Pablo leans over and says, “I don’t know you but I love fucking you.” She doesn’t admit this right away, but does later on after the final rose ceremony. Also, a source told Us Weekly that’s what he said.

She says it was offensive and made her feel awful. Why? I’d like some reassurance that I’m good in the sack. It’s a compliment! Girls are so high maintenance about wanting respect all the time. Geesh. Please don’t send me emails – I’m KIDDING. He’s just such a fucking moron. Yes, he’s honest and doesn’t have a filter, but more than that – he’s just stupid. Why would he think that’s nice or funny to say? Cause he’s stupid.

Clare claims she’s confused and maybe he’s not the man she thought he was. She needs to know there’s something more than just a physical chemistry there. I love that it’s just dawning on her NOW that maybe he only wants her for her vagine.

He comes to her hotel room and she refuses to kiss him. She says she wants to talk to him about what he said in the helicopter, he says that was in private, she says I want more than physical, he says maybe there’s a lot you don’t know about me, she says…I don’t know, blah blah blah. He really never SAYS anything. And what he does say is a run-on sentence, with broken English and a lot of stupidity thrown in. Basically, he doesn’t say much but it convinces Clare that he likes her a little more than just a vagine…and that’s good enough for her somehow. For a hot second, she seemed smart and confident! Aaaaand then not so much.

Like a manipulative psychopath, he plays the song that random dude sang to them on the snow date. That’ll shut her up, he thinks. It works. He enters the vagine for the last time…

Back in the studio, Sharleen claims it was painful to watch because Clare ignored her intuition, and he was patronizing to her. Exactly! But she’s still kicking herself that she never got a chance to bang him.

Nikki’s Last Date 

All Nikki talks about during this date (to the cameras, not him), is that she NEEDS him to tell her how he feels. She wants to hear him say he loves her. Has she not seen this show? They can’t say that until after the final rose is given. And sometimes, four months after that.

On the catamaran, she tells him she feels he is guarded and scared to open up. At least she hopes so because that would explain why he doesn’t tell her he likes her. He says, “No, when I feel something I open up. I’m not guarded.” To which she says nothing. This is when I would say, “Then why the fuck can’t you tell me you really like me? You don’t say shit, you weirdo.”

On the sofa and in the hotel bedroom, she tells him she’s nervous, she writes him a card and says she loves him, and he says, ”Eeees OK”. Then he says, “It is what it is and today was great. See you tomorrow.” So when he leaves, she bawls her eyes out. Because he doesn’t give her any friggin reassurance and he doesn’t communicate. I cringe at the thought of dating him. How HORRIBLE.

Final Rose Ceremony 

Juan Pablo’s pants are too tight, as he waits for his ladies to roll up in a boat…and climb off this boat…in a long gown…in heels…on a wet dock…and then the beach… thereby making this the most awkward and uncomfortable looking entrance ever.

First boat is here and exits….…..CLARE, which means she’s getting the boot. She’s voiceovering as she walks saying he makes her feel safe, she trusts him and nothing he has said made her think he has any doubts. She blabs at him for a minute and says she believes in him. He says he wishes the earth sucked him today, which seems off topic. Then he says, “I have to do what’s best for me, so I have to say goodbye to you.”

She is PISSED. He tries to hug her, she says no. Atta girl! She yells for a minute - why did he say he could see himself in Sacramento? Why did he say he could see her having their babies? He had every chance to leave. Then she storms off, turns around and says, “I thought I knew what kind of man you were, but what you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you.” ZING! You GO girl. Juan P says under his breath, “Glad I didn’t pick her.”

So here’s my take on Clare: She’s right. He didn’t need to say a bunch of shit about their fake future if he wasn’t going to pick her. He claims he just decided that day who he’d pick, but that’s bullshit. She then gets mad again about the “I love fucking you” comment. Yeah, that seems extra dick to say now that he didn’t pick her.

Nikki comes wobbling off the boat next and says she can’t wait to hear all the things he hasn’t been able to say, like “I love you.” Don’t hold your breath sister.

They meet, she says he’s amazing and she loves him. He says, “I love so many things about you.” He then says her Dad wanted him to be 100% sure before he proposed, and he’s not, so he’s not going to propose. But he’s 100% sure he doesn’t want to let her go.

So honestly, I’m 100% OK with this scenario. It IS weird to get engaged after seven weeks, especially when those seven weeks have been SO far from reality. So I’m totally down with saying he’s not ready. But is IS weird when he starts getting all fatherly, saying, “Now don’t get cranky with me.” He might as well have said, “No, I didn’t propose, and that better fucking be OK because I’m the boss. So shut up and grant me access to the vagine.”

After the Final Rose 

So THIS is when it gets weird for me with Nikki and Juan P. Not proposing is fine and honestly, even not saying, “I love you” is fine…in St. Lucia. Now however, is a different story. But let’s back up a bit.

First Clare comes out and she’s looking pretty good. I dig the leather dress, actually. She again reiterates that she’s just annoyed he didn’t give her any indication he was having doubts about her. She’s assuming he’s smarter than he is. He says the same thing to every girl and always sounds the same – telling them he likes them (but no more) and that he has fun with them. Clare assumes this means, “I want to marry you”, when in fact, its basic Juan P speak. Meaningless and shallow.

Smitty asks her about what he said in the helicopter. She leans over and whispers in Smitty’s ear, “Juan told me he likes fucking me, but I don’t want to say that out loud because then I’ll be admitting I banged him.” Not really. She says she can’t repeat it but it was offensive. She admits she should have left. She then tells Smits that she has nothing left to say to him, has all the closure she needs and doesn’t want to hash it out on the couch. So wrapping up this Clare thing: Clare is constantly dating dudes who only want to bang her. And it happened again, but this time on TV and she’s PISSED. So she stood up to him – as she said, for the first time ever…and she dug it. I hope this is the beginning of giving herself some self-respect and knowing she deserves better.

Juan Pablo 

He probably knows he’s about to get slammed so to divert attention the first thing he says to get some sympathy is “Pray for Venezuela.” Juan Pablo, please. These are people who watch the Bachelor. Those same people don’t follow current events.

Smitty asks him if he has any regrets. He says, “Some hurt, some don’t. There was 600 hours made into 20. I don’t hide behind a computer. Clare was going to be sad. It was personal. No regrets.”

Honestly, yes, I’m being a smart ass, but it’s not far from the truth. He seriously claims that he just followed his heart and he can’t keep everyone, so of course he has no regrets. See, this is him being stupid. He thinks Smitty is mad because he didn’t propose to someone. It’s very black and white to him – he doesn’t understand that there were details he could have handled differently. Like not telling a girl you don’t know them but like fucking them.

Nikki and Juan P 

Nikki first comes out alone and says they’re really happy. Things have been great and yes, she’s still in love. When asked if he loves her, she says, “I don’t know. I hope so.”

THIS IS THE PROBLEM. Yeah, he’s rude and he’s an idiot and completely self-centered but I’ve been able to take him for what he is: A really hot dude who wasn’t put on this earth to intellectually stimulate others (aka perfect for the bachelor franchise). However, now he’s just a fucking asshole. NOW, I think he’s a manipulative dick. He has brainwashed this poor girl into thinking it’s fine to not tell her that he loves her. He probably says that once the show ends, he’ll REALLY get to know her, so it’s OK. Dude, it’s been four months. I think you’d know by now.

He likes banging her, no doubt. He likes her, maybe, but he was probably certainly into this show for the fame and banging-access he had to a bunch of ladies. He doesn’t really love her. If he did, he’d say it. Right? What kills me is that on the finale, she said she needs to hear him say he loves her back. FOUR months later, he still hasn’t said it but now we’re supposed to believe she’s ok with it? Of course she’s not, but she is literally terrified to lose him. What’s WAY sadder to me than Juan P’s asshole-ness, is Nikki’s groundbreaking lack of self-esteem. She hates that he hasn’t said he loves her, but she’s desperate to hang on. This is like the guy I dated in my early 20s, who cheated on me but somehow manipulated me into thinking he was the victim. In 15 years, Nikki will look back on him and realize what a fuck he really is and how she so deserved better.

After Juan comes out, he tells us he feels fantastic about Nikki. Fantastic. Like how you feel after a good run? Who says they feel fantastic about anything, let alone another human?

Smitty asks if he loves her. He says, “I’m not going to answer that question. I get texts of support. You guys have been boxing me. Real life is going to tell.” See? I’m confused.

Juan P then goes on about privacy and how it’s none of our business and he’s not going to say anything. Smitty is PISSED and Catherine even has an intelligent thing to say, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” In my opinion, he’s pissed at all the Juan Pablo bashing he’s received lately. Tabloids and little bloggers like me are all bashing what a dick he is and he doesn’t like it. So now he’s like, “Fuck you guys. I’m out.” So I agree he doesn’t need to give up all privacy but he’s withholding info because he’s pissed. He’s also not saying he loves Nikki because he DOESN’T. She just admitted he doesn’t say it in private either, so it’s not all about the Bachelor haters. He doesn’t love her and won’t say it, period.

Robot Nikki comments he has a daughter and this whole thing is real to them. Oh lord, she’s been drinking Juan Pablo/David Koresh juice. She doesn’t believe this for a second, but she’s saying what he wants her to say. She would do anything for him to say he loves her and to propose, but she’s acting like it’s OK. This is super creepy.

Smitty asks him about their plans and he comments that they had plans but they changed dramatically two weeks ago, because he heard something “from the production.” I’m pretty sure this is about Dancing with the Stars. He was supposed to be on the new season, but they kicked him off a few weeks ago once they realized America thinks he’s a douche bag. So they probably had plans to move to LA for a few months to film it all, but now that’s not happening. Which certainly pissed him off because there goes his 15 minutes of fame.

They’ve been touting a surprise Juan P has for us, but when asked, Juan P says there is no surprise. He was going to tell her he loved her, propose to her, announce he was on Dancing with the Stars, or something like that, but now he’s just over this whole thing. Shit, me too.

I predict a break-up with two months, tops. How sad. Whatevs.

Bachelorette – Andi 

The only thing shocking about this is that someone lent her an official jacket so they can take pictures of her in the field fighting gangs (aka taking pictures of graffiti). I still don’t buy she’s a lawyer.

No really, she’s normal and feisty, so that’s fun, I guess. She is VERY sparkly tonight and looks a lot like Julia Louis Dreyfus. At the end of the day, she’s just ready for love, people.

And that’s the end of THIS day. I’m glad this is over. He sucked. Much like the earth sucked him.

Love you all, readers. Thanks for sticking with me! See you in May (I think) for Andi’s season. Xoxoxox


  1. Hhahaha Oh Jen.Great recap. Thanks for making this dreadful season more bearable.

  2. I actually liked how America got a dose of reality. If he said I love you too a chick he's seen 10xs, he's be a douche, now he's a douche for not saying it on TV. I agree with most of it, accept his delivery of course. Up next.. "Bitch go make me some breakfast at 3am, World Cup is on."

    Thanks Jen. At the end of the day it's YOU who deserves the final rose. At the end of the day.

  3. Great recap to the worst bachelor finale in history.

    I can't believe you left out the part where Juan P tells Clare " I know we'd have babies in 12 months" to which Clare replies "Twins?". Yes, thats just what you need to cement your relationship is twins in 12 months. Especially with this dick. He just has too much machismo going on- you know he's a controlling asshole.

    Also- Nikki has to be smart enough to see the writing on the wall. Both times a woman confronted him on the show his response was "Glad I'm not with her!". Lovely. So he runs at the first sign of disagreement or trouble. Definitely someone I want to marry!

  4. Awesome as usual, couldn't agree with you more!!! I was kind of hoping you would post a pic of the cousin braces (brilliant name), or the brothers shorts over the sweatpants look!! Wowzers!!!
    If Nikki would have come out saying something like "America, you wanted this guy as the bachelor, now you have bashed him publicly, he is done with saying stuff on the show so don't ask me if he has said I love you" I would have had a bit more respect for her, but you are right she is drinking some sort of brainwash juice, and JP is a douche.
    Please, please be back in May, I Matt and I can't get through this show with out you!

  5. Eets okay, please come back in May! Okay?! Seriously, you're funny as hell & so raw. You tell it like it is, sista. Thank you for keeping me laugh week after week, it was the only thing worth enduring this season.

  6. Thank you for the recaps; they were the best part of the entire season.

    I think Clare asked JP on the helicopter how he felt about her or asked him if he loved her. Since the lead is not supposed to reveal his/her true feelings until the end, she probably thought she could get some off-camera honesty. She got a brutally honest answer. What a total asshat.

    When Nikki's asked "What are you going to do without these private islands?," and he responded that he has a bed and a tv and they could watch movies, etc. Oh, and that he'd probably be watching baseball "alone." He never said anything about the 3 of them going out or even interacting. I think his real motive here was to land a babysitter for Camila who he not only doesn't have to pay, but she'll jump into bed with him once she's worn Camila out. Maybe he's not as stupid as everyone thinks!

    Last comment- Catherine said "Don't slap the hand that feeds you," which isn't even the right idiomatic expression, making it doubly funny.

  7. I read a lot of blogs out there and yours is by far the best! I laugh out loud every week and I thank you for that! Please come back for Andi's season so I can continue reading your entertaining recaps...you definitely have a gift girl!!

  8. Jen, I look forward to reading your recaps every week!! I read a lot of blogs and yours never fails to make me laugh out loud. Thank you and please come back for Andi's season to continue to make my day!! You definitely have a gift girl!

  9. I'd like to see Sharleen as the bachelorette. It would make for a very different season. She'd probably send them all home before the finale.

  10. I kept thinking that maybe Nikki is pregnant.
    She looked pale, no?
    Great season Jen! Thanks for the laughs and the raw honesty. See ya in May.

  11. That was one messed up night, even my husband was getting cocky by the end. Bunch of cock-fighting between Smitty and co with JP & I guess Nekee went full-on self-medicating to get through that shit-storm. I know, my BFF who is a nurse has more prescription drugs than the local pharmacy.
    Anyway, just writing to say thanks for recapping this season and I hope you're up for the Bachlorette. Fingers crossed.

  12. I LOVE YOU. Seriously, you make this experience so much better. There is no way in hell JP and Nikki will stay together, but I'm actually glad he picked her. They're both assholes. On to the Bachelorette! Wish it would've been Sharleen, but she is clearly too smart for this shit show. At least Andi doesn't have ombre hair anymore.

  13. Love your recap! Thank you and look forward to reading next season :)

  14. LOVE your blog, Jen! The sand and heels were so horrible and did anyone notice this was the dreariest, most pathetic final rose set-up? Middle of the woods, leaves and debris on the ground?? I think ABC producers were done and said "screw it". This was by far the weirdest season ever. Jen, PLEASE continue Bachelor blogging. I just got some friends hooked on your blog! We're counting on you! :)

  15. "Has she not seen this show?" Arrgh, that's what I kept shouting at the TV! "Nikki’s groundbreaking lack of self-esteem": love the way you put that. I just read the transcript of Smitty's visit to GMA the morning after, and man, did he ever back-pedal. He was clearly ticked at Juan P that night, but glossed over it the next morning. When someone keeps interrupting you to say, "You're interrupting me," that's worth at least a little smack-talk. I picture the producers having to calm Smitty down overnight and instructing him to "be good" on GMA. Ack. Thanks for another good series, Jen!

  16. So glad I don't have to look at his dumb face anymore. He is the wooooorst. And Nicki seriously looked...not good at the after the final rose thing. I fully admit I only watched highlights on Hulu because I just could not do this anymore, but something about her really upset me. I think it's what you said - she's been drinking the koolaid even though it feels like she's knows it's not really right. It was really uncomfortable to watch. But I guess I wouldn't really have been happy with the result unless Clare and Nicki both kneed him in the balls and left.

  17. So much on this train wreck of a finale to talk about it, and you did a "fantastic" job as usual, Jen! JP was everywhere when he was the hot sexy bachelor and everyone loved him. You couldn't open a magazine, be online or watch tv w/o seeing his face. He sucked the media as much as he wished the earth would suck him. As soon as people saw him for who he actually was though, he all of a sudden craves privacy? Sorry, you can't have it both ways, sucka.
    It bothered me that Harrison called Clare "brave". Brave would've been walking out as soon as he pulled his asshat act in the helicopter. Chewing someone out because you lost is not brave - especially when she would have still been singing his praises if he has picked her.
    Anyways, thanks for the awesome season of recaps, Jen. Please please please come back for the next? You are one of the only reasons this show is still watchable for me!

    1. Totally agree with you! Jen - you are awesome! Can't wait for the bachelorette just to read your blog!

  18. I bet Juan Pablo's mom still does his laundry.

  19. Thanks for the laughs as always! Can't wait til May!

  20. The thing that worries me the most about Nikki is that she will probably put up with anything he does to her. She'll do what he says to do. She'll stay with him through thin and thin. We all know women like that and I just hope that her self esteem grows fast enough so that she doesn't waste years with a man who is no gentleman. I mean, does she not realize that he was having sex with other women while they were dating? Get tested women! You don't know where his little venezuela has been!

  21. For sure Nikki has turned into a Stefford Wife. If she has not already, she will learn that Juan lives in a condo in Miami with his mother, father, sister, her child, Camila AND Camila's mother, Carla. Bet joining that troup will not be to her liking. Plus he is $4,000 behind in child support and has no viable job. Such a treasure he is...blah!

  22. For sure Nikki has turned into a Stefford Wife. If she has not already, she will learn that Juan lives in a condo in Miami with his mother, father, sister, her child, Camila AND Camila's mother, Carla. Bet joining that troup will not be to her liking. Plus he is $4,000 behind in child support and has no viable job. Such a treasure he is...blah!

  23. That wink was horribly cringe-worthy - yuck!

    I will say this about the producers of this show - they sure know how to mess with our minds! JP went from wonder stud to total douche in 8 weeks.

    I was pretty pissed at Smitty for being such a whiny bitch. JP isn't the brightest bulb and Nikki is cock-whipped, but they were able to resist the temptation of the show and it's producers enough to not give them their bullshit fairy tale ending. I respect that and it was one of the most real endings this shit show has ever had. And Smitty was PISSED. Fuck you your stupid show isn't that important!

    What IS important is that we all love and support Jen so she keeps letting us live in her twisted world!

  24. Thanks for another thoroughly enjoyable season of your great recaps.

    I think what a lot of people don't know is how TPTB whipped out a checkbook, told him he'd be paid a nice amount if he proposed during the ATFR. JP committed and that's why Smitty kept asking him about a "surprise." The sleazy a**hole didn't keep his word.

    Can you imagine being the F1 and knowing ABC/Fleiss begged and bribed the jerk to propose? I'd be out of there so fast!!!! I really look forward to this break-up. Nikki must feel like she's in a frigging nightmare. Run Nikki....run as fast as you can and a lot of people will be cheering you on!

  25. For me, it was one of the most enjoyable seasons ever precisely because it veered so much off the typical script for this show!

    I loved the way JP was like a spoiled brat at the ATFR, and how Smitty had such trouble getting anything out of him. I actually LOL'd when JP said he had no surprise for them because I too had read that they were offering him money to propose. I love how Smitty is now saying that he was the worst and most uncontrollable Bach they ever had. It makes me think that they must have been really stressed during production, and those guys deserve it for all of the manipulating they do.

    As for Nikki, I believe that she is trying to hang on as long as she can for the publicity only so she can salvage SOME kind of career in the biz. I don't believe she is in love with him and I think they must have some kind of arrangement to keep up appearances for awhile until interest in them has pretty much run its course.

    C'mon, by now she realizes he is a big baby, albeit a sexy one. She is trying to milk this too for whatever it is worth. Too bad that is has to come in "that poor girl" way.

  26. As usual I agree with Helen even though her comments are way too classy for this blog. I enjoyed the debates we had on Sharleen, Andi, Nikki, Clare, and even JP.

    JP was a wildly popular choice to be the Bachelor. This was based purely on his looks since he didn't say 2 words during Des's season. Are we really that surprised that he turned out the way he did? Will we never learn? And by we I mean you ladies. OK that was a cheap shot, sorry!

    Andi played the game right - make it to the final 3 and then make a dramatic exit. Voila she's the next Bachelorette!