Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Bachelorette Season Premiere Recap - Meet the Dudes. And their hair. And their gayness.

Let’s just address the elephant in the room. I’m a day late. I won’t let it happen again. OK I’m not promising that, but I’ll try REALLY hard. Sorry, peeps.

Here we are again - Another season of the Bachelorette, complete with an overly qualified chick (albeit slightly annoying), and twenty-five guys, which at least half are homosexual. Oh and who was thrilled to find out the show was only 90 minutes!? That’s a win in my book. I barely missed the first 40 minutes, with the guys pumping iron at home in Chicago, etc.

Let’s talk about the other elephant in the room – Eric. Why does clearly the hottest, sweetest, smartest and most interesting guy have to die? That was incredibly sad to me and I really hope the asswipe producers of this show don’t capitalize on his death for ratings. He seemed just awesome and I got chills when he walked out of the limo. Nothing more to say…

Let’s meet Andi. She’s 27 and a Prosecutor and lives in Atlanta. She puts the bad guys away and on slow days, she puts on a full face of makeup and takes pictures of gang graffiti. And sometimes she takes a Bachelorette camera crew with her to work. Seriously, how did the higher-ups in Prosecutor Land allow that? Was that a real judge? It was probably her grandpa.

She says goodbye to her family, promising them that the next time they see her she’ll be home getting double-teamed by two guys. Daddy is thrilled. She heads to LA to do some fake shopping and checks into her love mansion. She comments that she could be engaged by summer and says, “That’s crazy!” Yes, CRAZY. NO REALLY. THAT’S CRAZY.

Limo Arrival 

 Side note: There’s something super gay about a bunch of guys in a limo toasting to “happily ever after”. Don’t write me hate mail about the gay thing. I love gays, but they shouldn’t be competing on a show to marry a girl, right?

Let’s meet the dudes:

Marcus, 25, Sports Medicine Manager, Dallas – He’s super awkward, and I’m blown away at how nervous SHE is. She’s so chatty – pipe down, girl. Take it easy. Also, she later discusses how hot Marcus is. I don’t get it. Cute? Yes. Naked on top of me? No.

Chris, 32, Farmer, Iowa – He is super cute, super sweet and a SUPER close talker. I want to take him home and snuggle with him. Naked on top of me? Jury still out.

JJ, 30, Pantsapreneur, San Francisco – Of course the fucking “Pantsapreneur” is from San Francisco. My town. And he’s wearing a bow tie. And he’s excited to kick off this love quest. His gay lover back home isn’t so thrilled.

Marquel, 26, Sponsorship Salesman, Las Vegas – Ohhh Mama like. He’s CUTE. He says to Andi, “How do I look? I tried to bring my A-game.” So that’s not even that douche-baggy! Well-played sir.

Tasos, 30, Wedding Event Coordinator, Denver – Oh where to start. Earrings? Yellow teeth? The job? The love lock he wants to put on a bridge in Paris? Instead they lock it on a post and he tells Andi to make a wish and throw the key in the fountain. Andi: “My wish is…please don’t let me marry him.”

Cody, 28, Personal Trainer, Chicago – Those producers are SO original. Let’s have the personal trainer showcase an act of strength. He should’ve shown an act of strength by refusing to do that shit. He also should have refused that jacket.

Steven, 30, Snowboard Product Developer, Encinitas, CA – (AKA Ski Resort Lift Operator) He’s got long stupid hair and he’s wearing black on black on black…yet no jacket and VERY skinny pants. He’s “stoked” to be here. Chances of him lasting the night? Very low.

Rudie, 31, Attorney, Long Beach – May I approach the bachelorette? No. Just no. Go away. Oh attorney humor….HAHAHAHA.

Carl, 30, Firefighter, Fort Lauderdale – Give me a hug. Andi’s a hugger. Again. Carl is cute, nice, but definitely not naked-on-top-of-me material.

Jason, 35, Urgent Care Physician, Wisconsin. Why couldn’t they just say doctor? Physician? Why Urgent Care? Why the hair? That is so unsanitary in a medical facility to have that silky shit flowing all over your shoulders. Gross. First thing out of his mouth? “I’m a doctor.” It’s all he’s got, people. I’m sure he’s smart and nice, but he’s spent too many years with his nose in a book and has totally forgotten how to socialize. Case in point: “I’ve learned special skills. I can make a diagnosis just by looking at someone. You have a fever cause you look pretty hot.” Not only is that a terrible line, but I really hope that he doesn’t just diagnose people that way. Seems very unscientific.

Nick V., 33, Software Sales Executive, Chicago – He seems nice and relatively cute, but doesn’t get a chance to say anything because nervous Andi won’t shut up about his polka dots.

Dylan, 26, Accountant, Boston – He’s pretty cute. But he’s either a total asshole or totally nervous.

Patrick, 29, Advertising Executive, Newport Beach – Tries to show off soccer skills right away = douche bag. He does assure her that he’s nothing like the last soccer player she knew. That’s funny.

Emil, 33, Helicopter Pilot, Costa Mesa – I’m sorry, how do you say your name again? Anal with an M. A-Mul. So he needs to sue his parents.

Brett, 29, Hairstylist, Pennsylvania – I love lamp. I actually love this move. It’s weird and funny. It’s something I would do, so I’m totally down with it. I’m not sure Andi thinks it’s amazing. I’m not down with his hair.

Craig, 29, Tax Accountant, Denver – He walks out of the limo and just blows his wad of champagne all over. So you’re a partier, huh? Oh yeah! He then says, “I’m a hugger”. A-Ha! She’s met her match. Also, he might be gay too.

Come to papa

Ron, 28, Beverage Sales Manager, Memphis – He’s harmless. And by harmless, I mean boring. He’ll make it through tonight, maybe another week after that with zero airtime. Then home.

Bradley, 32, Opera Singer, Michigan – “I’d love to serenade you later.” Of course you would.

Josh, 29, Telecommunication Marketer, Denver – I actually think he’s super cute and seems normal. Until the end of the show when he really humiliates himself.

Nick S., 27, Pro Golfer, Florida – He’s a professional golfer. In case you didn’t get that. Also, he’s really 45.

Brian, 27, Basketball Coach, Pennsylvania – He tied his tie six times. He might be one of the normals. Stay tuned.

Andrew, 30, Social Media Marketer, Culver City, CA – He seems nice and normal until he tries to hit on Patrick at the cocktail party. Also not sure if I want his tongue in my mouth.

Mike, 29, Bartender, Utah – Mike got a bartending job while in college and never left. Just a hunch. Also the hair.

Eric, 31, Explorer, Citrus Heights, CA – I want to cry. Of course his entrance is normal and completely cute. This is heartbreaking.

Josh M., 29, Former Pro Baseball Player, Atlanta – I honestly can’t decide if this guy is totally gorgeous or completely terrifying.

Cocktail Party 

Highlights from the party:

• Marquel makes her eat a bunch of cookies, cause apparently he’s passionate about cookies? Nothing hotter than that, ladies. (?)
• Eric tells her about his world odyssey and again, I want to cry. Such a loss. This guy was good.
• Speaking of good guys… Chris Butt-kow-ski is not one of them. He was one of the smarmiest guys on Bachelor Pad. He apparently tries to crash the party and I don’t believe for one second he didn’t know when they were filming or this entire thing wasn’t set up. Of course it was. Anyway, Chris Harrison tells Andi about him waiting outside and that he wants to vie for her heart. He can’t get the words out without busting into laughter. I seriously love him.
• Andi replies to Chris, “If I’m here to meet the man of my dreams, what if that’s him standing in the driveway?” So I know Chris Harrison. We’re soul mates. We should host this show together. I know that it took every ounce of his will power not to spit out, “There is no fucking way he’s your husband.” You could see it on his face. Anyway, Andi tells Chris she doesn’t want to meet him. Go Andi.
• She’s intrigued by Marcus. I am not. He said that Polish was actually his first language, but now he doesn’t speak Polish. Hmmm.
• Opera dude is just hanging out in the living room singing to dudes.
• She gives Nick V. the first impression rose. She says, “I had a great first impression of someone I wouldn’t normally go for.” Ummm, thanks?

I will haunt your dreams. I am THAT freaky.

Rose Ceremony 

So the first impression rose went to Nick V (Software Sales, Chicago, Nice, 100 siblings). The other roses go to:

JJ – Pantsapreneur. I think I refuse to write that word anymore. Dude who sells pants. With his gay lover.
Eric – Amazing dude
Marquel – Black Cookie Monster
Craig – Accountant who wastes champagne. Hugger.
Tasos – Earrings. Enough said. Sorry, I can’t get over it.
Josh M – Former baseball player. Terrifying/Hot.
Brian – Basketball coach – normal?
Bradley – Opera Singer. Sings during orgasm (presumably). 
Marcus – Sports Medicine Manager? What does that mean anyway? He’s Polish, but not really.
Andrew – Social marketing guy. Seemed nice and normal until he gave Patrick a blow job in the bathroom during the cocktail party.
Ron – Beverage dude. That’s about it.
Carl – Firefighter and cute. Just not “wiggling on me naked-cute.”
Chris – Farmer. Love him.
Dylan – He would’ve gone ape shit if he wasn’t chosen but for now he’s holding in his rage.
Brett – The lamp wins it all for me.
Patrick – Soccer-loving Advertising Exec. Andrew’s current lover.
Cody – Personal trainer who actually seemed much more normal after the introduction fiasco. But still.
Nick S – Pro golfer, AARP member.

Therefore, the following six guys get sent home:

Mike – Back to serving Jagermeister.
Steven – Lift Operator. He’s not stoked to be going home.
Emil – Anal is not pleased to be leaving.  
Rudie – Poor Attorney, Rudie. Case closed. (Ba dum dum)
Jason – Urgent Care Doctor. Not any old Doctor, but URGENT CARE DOCTOR. He needs to get rid of that sassy little bob STAT.
Josh B. – He is PISSED. He is hung up on how embarrassing it is to be eliminated on night one. I agree but it’s WAY more embarrassing to be completely embarrassed by it, if that makes sense. Before his little tirade here, he would have seemed like a nice, normal guy who just didn’t make a connection with Andi. Now he seems like an insecure, whiny bitch.

Andi, who has become super Southern all of a sudden, gives a “Cheers y’all” to the remaining dudes. And cheers to my readers – see y’all next week!


  1. Jen is back - Woo Hoo!!!!

    Other than a few closet gays the guys seem more normal than usual this season. Andi is doing a great job so far. I like her despite her exit from JP's season. I think she breaks down over the news of Eric in addition to the pressure the show puts on her emotions.

    I liked the dude going off about how stupid the show is and what a waste of time it was for him. You know every other dude who gets booted in week 1 is thinking the same thing. Yes it's not enduring to future dates, but kudos to him for saying it like it is.

    Jen is baaaaaaaaaack!!

  2. thanks for your fun reviews. love em! Clearly Andi does not like long haired men.

  3. Cynical New YorkerMay 21, 2014 at 12:10 PM

    Very happy to see you back, Jen! And may I use this forum to make a public service announcement? Guys: If your hair is long enough to work in a curling iron, CUT IT.

  4. Love the recap as always :) you make me laugh.
    I also love Eric and it was so sad watching him.

  5. Josh M's eyes look rather frantic.

  6. I'm so glad you're back. Andi did a great job the first night, and I think she'll bring a lot more life and intelligence than the past couple bachelorettes.

    I think word for Josh was.....instantly smitten possibly?

  7. Love that you're back!!!
    I agreed 100% with everything you say. Half of these guys are gay, no doubt about that.
    Eric dead is the saddest news ever, such a great, nice, full of life, heart full guy!!
    Can´t wait to read your next recap on tuesday

  8. Glad you're back and making me laugh!
    Black Cookie Monster. Hilarious!

  9. I just have to say thank you for writing these recaps, they are literally the only reason I still watch this show. This one had me laughing so hysterically loud that my boyfriend came to see what was going on.

    Also, so sad about Eric. That totally breaks my heart.

  10. Hurray, so happy you're back Jen! Reading your recaps is one of the only things that still makes this show fun!

  11. Hurray, so happy you're back Jen! Reading your recaps is one of the only things that still makes this show fun!

  12. I have to warn all the "Girl Power" types out there who think a woman being sarcastic makes her feisty, or that being an ADA in Atlanta is some high powered job that makes Andi a "winner." The truth is that most guys really just want a sweet, smart/successful, silly and sexy girlfriend/fiancé, and antithetically will take a pass on a perma-frowning (yeah, that mouth of Andi's is a deal killer), relatively shallow and unsophisticated one that takes herself way too seriously. That's right, Andi, when the bisexual (at best) Craig gets hammered and jumps in pool with clothes on, the other guys would have been far more impressed had you "gone with it" and just laughed it off. It wasn't like Craig peeled out a Baby Ruth on your forehead while you weren't looking! Andi's own blog says it all: something about some guys not acting appropriate. So, Andi, lay off the carbs, take a chill pill, and get some frown surgery before you are left in the dust again.

  13. I think Craig is gay!