Tuesday, June 17, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Bachelor Mimes and French things

We’re down to 11 dudes. The gang heads to Marseilles, France and Andi tells us she loves it there because it’s “a huge port area”. Or, a PORT. I must be in a salty mood, to quote one young bachelorette, if I’m making fun of that. It’s gonna be a long night.

Chris Harrison, looking ever so French in that turtleneck action, sits with Andi and asks if she’s falling in love. “STOP”, she replies. No YOU fucking stop. Stop it, seriously cut that shit out.

Josh Date 

For those who don’t know me well, I usually gauge a guy by whether I can picture him naked on top of me. I realized tonight that I don’t want any of these guys naked on top of me. Well, I take that back. I can ALMOST picture Dylan on top of me naked but that’s mostly because the sex would be super angry and hot. Josh comes close – he’s the only other one I’d even begin to picture rubbing around on top of me. He’s really cute, but there’s something…..magoo about him. For being such a man’s man, he can be a total pussy when he talks about Andi. You’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, Josh (the 29 year-old Former Pro Baseball Player) gets the first date tonight. He tells Andi tonight that he played from age 17 to 22, so what has he been doing for work for the past seven years? Shouldn’t we default to the most current occupation for his title? The Beijing Summer Olympics were 8 years ago, but you don’t see me listing my title as “Former 100 Meter Backstroke Gold Medalist” everywhere, do you? There might be other reasons that’s not my title, I suppose.

Anyway, the date is like watching the Blair Witch project following these two around town. Easy cameras. Andi claims she wants to dig deeper in him today. That’s what he said, too, but he meant it in an entirely different way. They end up on a boat, and then sitting on some rocks, where they try to talk about his life but they just end up making out a lot. Do the guys ever ask her about her life or do they just not show it?

Back at the hotel, Marquel learns that Andrew called him a “blackie” at the first rose ceremony. Apparently he said, “She gave roses to both blackies”. This upsets him greatly. More on that later.

Andi and Josh head to dinner at some palace, where he said he’s feeling “blessed”. He says this is the “best date of my life.” See what I mean? He’s a bit over the top with that talk. It’s super nice and I think he’s probably a good guy but there’s something off-putting about over-the-top emotionalness in a dude. Seriously, guys can’t win with me – I’m such a bitch. You have to be a man’s man, yet super kind and giving but you can’t at all be a pussy about it. Geesh, high standards Jen.

 This is actually her happy, listening face

They are then treated to a private concert by Ben Fields. Seriously how old am I that I have no clue who this is? Perhaps it’s not a matter of age, but just my shitty taste in music. If it was Iggy Azalea singing Fancy I’d totally know who that was. What does that say about me?

 Do you think he's confident he's getting the rose?

Group Date 

The group date is for Marcus, Dylan, Chris, Cody (which my spell check just changed to “Body” which is awesome), JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick and Andrew. The guys are forced to take mime class, dress in totally humiliating clothing and then perform in the streets of Marseilles. Dylan has the quote of the night when he says, “I don’t know anything about mimes except they use their hands and……. do activities.” I mean, it’s totally accurate.

People are straight-up terrified of these freaky, shitty American mimes. Andi claims they “stepped it up” which is scary if THIS is considered “stepping it up”. JJ decides to reenact their date together, which is not a huge crowd pleaser since it’s basically an inside joke.

Not entirely attractive

Nick looks super pissy pants, and I get it because this date is total misery, but buck up, dude. Try to have the tiniest bit of fun. He says, “This isn’t natural or fun and I’m never going to pretend it’s going to be.” Well, wow, Mr. Dick. Geesh. Again, I agree, but don’t be such a wet blanket. I suspect pube head suffers from loooooow confidence and masks it by acting like he just hates this stuff.

At the after party, JJ takes her on a ferris wheel ride. Let me tell you who she’s NOT feeling – JJ.

The guys yell at Nick saying he’s super smug and arrogant. Again, this is masking his insecurities. I’m a psychologist, you know. Cody and his roid rage make a quick appearance as he lays into Nick. Nick is terrified of him. I guess Cody likes to spout off about how thankful he is for being on the show and Nick made fun of him. Ohhhh Nick, you broke the golden rule: Thou shalt never make fun of a man’s thankfulness. ?

Andi gets wind of all this drama and worries that Nick is manipulating her. Maybe he’s a dick after all, but she’s just blinded by the super strong emotional/mental connection. So yeah, that’s code for, he’s nice to hang with but I don’t want him naked on top of me. I have a mental connection with every guy on this show.

Marquel finally can’t handle his anger and confronts Andrew about calling him a “blackie”. Andrew looks shocked and I actually believe him. Andrew is pretty smarmy but I actually don’t think he said that. He was probably misunderstood. He probably said “she picked the black guys” or “she needs a sharpie”.

Andi is annoyed with the drama and doesn’t even want to hand out a group date rose, but decides to do it anyway because “it’s important for the guys to feel encouraged.” This isn’t fucking preschool t-ball – chill out. She gives the rose to JJ simply because he’s sitting next to her, I assume.

Brian Date 

Brian, the 27 year-old Basketball Coach, gets the other one-on-one date this week. He’s currently riding the “I kissed you on a basketball court” wave of appreciation from Andi which is about to come crashing down.

They head to a super cute theater in town, which is actually just an abandoned garage that the producers threw a TV screen in, a moldy couch and a popcorn machine. But in France, you can sell that as “charming”!

They’re forced to watch, what looks like a shitty movie about cooking in France, and voila – they are then forced to cook animal parts in a shitty French apartment. I hate cooking too, but if pushed into a kitchen, I’d just drink a lot and make the frog legs dance or something. But Brian completely fucking freezes. It’s actually weird. I get you’re not happy in the kitchen, but it’s not waterboarding. Chill out.

Andi is bummed this date is crashing. The food sucks so they go out to dinner instead. He puts his pussy aside and decides to kiss her. She keeps giving little kisses and pulling away instead of letting him put his tongue in her mouth. She’s not feeling it….Until he pulls her into the restaurant kitchen and forces his tongue in there! Way to go, Brian. In the background is this poor little restaurant owner saying, “Excuse me? Excuse e moi? It is against Marseilles health code to exchange bodily fluids in a place where food is prepared. Please stop.”

She gives him the rose as a symbol of progression. Ahhh the ever-romantic “progression” rose.

Bracelet bracelet bracelet mayday mayday!!! 

Cocktail Party/Chat with Chris

When in France, dress like the French do, Andi! Or maybe just Marie Antoinette – complete with her hair and corset. She tells Chris there is no need for a cocktail party, because let’s be honest, it’ll come down to JJ, Marcus, Josh, Nick and maybe Dylan. Let’s get rid of six of them. Chris tells her three guys is the maximum for elimination. She agrees. None of that happened, but it’s probably true.

Rose Ceremony 

Josh, Brian and JJ already have roses. Other roses go to:

Marcus (25, Sports Medicine Manager) – He didn’t speak this week. Cute, but…I don’t know.
Nick (33, Software Sales Executive) – Pube head, overly confident but actually masking insecurities. Also, I’m available for individual counseling, since apparently I’m a therapist now.
Chris (32, Farmer) – Cute and sweet, but probably a painfully slow love-maker.
Dylan (26, Accountant) – Sex would be angry and rough. Mmmm.
Cody (28, Personal Trainer) – Sex would squish you. I already made that joke. Also, I bet he orgasms with gusto.

This means Marquel, Andrew and Patrick head home. Patrick claims he’s heard from many people that he has good husband qualities. Except the one quality that says normal dudes don’t spout off about their “husband qualities”. Also, who the hell is this?

Marquel is broken up, crying about how he believes in love and really wants to find it. It’s like he’s auditioning to be the first Sharpie Bachelor. Ohhh I’m going to get emails about that one.

The gang is off to Venice next week – see you then!


  1. Smitties black turtleneck. I half expected him to have a curly moustache drawn on with magic marker.
    I can't stand the way josh talks. Like he says "witchu" instead of "with you". Also, I don't buy his story about "my college girlfriend must have been listening to her friends who were saying that I was cheating and so she went and kissed a guy and I was heartbroken" uh, no. Guaranteed People magazine will come out with some real stories. Seriously, who are these people? He tells her that he hasn't dated in like five years? So he's just almost 30 and going around banging girls then. Is that hot Andi?

  2. Josh has player written all over him. Beware of people who constantly say they feel they are being stereotyped (ie athlete = playa). They are usually the ones who earn the label, and secondly, he knows exactly what a woman wants to hear, like all womanizers. Any sane woman would seriously question his sincerity especially after hearing about his supposed five years of not dating. His lame story about the "cheating" girlfriend made me roll my eyes with gusto. No, do not buy this Andi!

    I have such a nerd attraction - I love JJ!

  3. I could be biased because Andrew's face makes me mildly punchy, but even if he just said "she gave roses to the two black guys," (which seems way more likely), I still kind of have an issue with it. Like, why would that even be a thing he felt like he needed to point out? She also gave roses to a bunch of white dudes and one bodybuilding Oompa Loompa. Who gives a shit? But again, can't stand the guy, so take that as you will.

  4. Did anyone else notice how she picked up the roses and held them in such a weird way when she handed them out? And the way she makes a duck face with her lips makes me crazy!

  5. @ Tori, I agree, who cares except someone who takes note of such things. I hated his swarmy face and glad he's gone. Now Marquel is another matter altogether and I'll chalk that up to Andi not wanting to lead him on because Kew-Pew and the Downer Dude and Coach are easy knock offs for her. Pantsprenuer posted "evidence" on twitter of Swarmy saying black guys - he's got to go too. I don't care for Josh, I see nothing there except he's a good catch for her and he lives in her city. Actually, I don't like any of them except Marquel and Nick, but only because he looks like Neville Longbottom.

  6. Cynical New YorkerJune 17, 2014 at 4:46 PM

    Was anyone else annoyed by the cross-talking/mumbling during Josh and Andi's dinner at the palace? One of them would be halfway through a phrase while the other would mumble, "Yeah" or "Mmmm." I can't STAND that. Just let a person finish what they're saying. Interrupting them with a grunt doesn't mean you have some kind of connection. It just seems forced. And also -- Josh's teeth -- too freaking much bleach.

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  8. Agree with Tori and Anonymous - not cool even if Andrew said "black guys" instead of "blackies". Good riddance to Andrew - it was clear that Andi wasn't into him anyway. Can't image Andi choosing Cody and JJ seems stuck firmly in the friend zone. I think the final two will be Marcus and Josh based on the interactions we've seen so far.

  9. AndI looks so much like her father when she makes that face (above image)
    I think you're correct on the top remaining names, except I'd switch Jj & Dylan in order.
    I really felt bad for Marquel, he is a likeable guy & I like the way he articulates his feelings.

  10. ok, yes Dylan is handsome with beautiful eyes. But he never seems to smile, laugh, or play. perhaps its all he's been through. but how does andi know he is not just a depressed person all the time?

  11. Maquel would be a better bachelor than chris for sure. Chris seems very low key and not much charisma. we'll see...

  12. I can't believe you didn't mention the fact that she looked like she was getting ready to bowl every time she picked up a rose at the ceremony! Strike!

  13. I love you jen!! My gf got me reading yur post last season and I died laughing reading your blog. Now every time I am watching a new episode I am constantly thinking about how you are going to make fun of it!

    Today the part about Andrew saying "she picked the two black guys" and "She needs a Sharpie" CLASSIC.

    Love marquel......Cool dude - very classy :)

  14. Did anyone else notice how both Andi AND what's his name? Basketball coach? Brian? right, how Andi and Brian both completely freaked out at what was probably the MOST ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF WHAT REAL LIFE WOULD BE LIKE. Sorry, I don't mean to shout, but hello, being alone with your person, cooking dinner together on a Wednesday night? UNLIKE Andi's dumb statement that "this is exactly what growing old with JJ would be like," (which is NOT true), this is exactly what life WOULD be like if you were with Brian! So that being said, I think it's safe to say, that would be a pretty boring life. As far as he's concerned, who cares if he sucks in the kitchen, he could still have fun with it.
    And I'm sorry, but he needs to stop making comparisons with his job and how he handles relationships. "I'm a coach, so I was strategizing..." Fuck you. I'm a coach, and I don't talk to my friends like I'm working out a rotation on the volleyball court, or anything else like that. Just admit, she's not the right girl for you, plain and simple. And shame on Andi for not actually SAYING something during the cooking disaster. Like....what's wrong? Just have fun with it..she said they need encouragement. THAT would be the time to offer it.
    Okay, enough for me this week. Sheesh! You take two weeks off, there's lots more to vent about!

  15. I actually really liked Brian until this week. I thought he had a laid back, mellow-dude thing going on. But that cooking portion of the date was pure awkward and uncomfortable. It didn't even feel like he just wasn't into cooking, he really acted like a jerk in my eyes. I mean, real life isn't all roller coasters and high heels on the basketball court. Like Tania said, cooking together is real life. Sometimes it's the only time we have to catch up on each other's day. If you need a basketball court or a dinner out to be able to converse, you're in trouble.

  16. Was that first outfit a Hefty 2-ply or a pleated Glad bag?

    I'm a totally fashionless dude and I noticed that disaster!

    Jen I thought you left coast former Canadians were supposed to be politically correct! Guess not - sheesh!!

    Josh is a playa, pubehead is a douche, JJ isn't her type and Brian was a total sour PUSS on the most normal date yet. Patrick was a little off but she didn't give him or Marquel a chance for whatever reason. I also liked how Marquel handled himself and think he would be a great next Bachelor.

    My guess for her top 3 would be Marcus, Chris, and Dylan - they just seem the most normal to me. But what do I know I only watch for 3 reasons:
    1. Jens blog
    2. My wife makes me
    3. I'm allowed to drink as a warm-up for 24 and a substitute for Monday night football

  17. Oh my word. This was the most boring episode I've ever seen. These people talk about NOTHING all of the time. ZZZZZZZZ….

  18. Can't get enough of your descriptions of the guys. Thank you for watching this crap show and humoring us all.

    When I watched Andi pick up and hold those roses like she was about to pitch a baseball I thought "I can't wait to hear what Jen says about that." And her Elsa mock-do.

    I guess there's only so much space and time to mention all the craziness.