Tuesday, June 3, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - The full of sad shit episode

Did I miss the transition to New England? What the?

We’re down to 13 guys, which makes for a long ass summer, people. The kids are at some large, yet odd, hotel in Connecticut. Dylan gets the first one-on-one date – let’s go.

Dylan Date 

They apparently have an entire steam train to themselves for a day. Andi comments, maybe their relationship will pick up steam. Ba dum dum. Do you think the producers sit around and brainstorm date ideas, and the only criteria is that a love-metaphor can somehow be pulled out of it?

“All Aboard!” calls the conductor. And so yeah, there are only two people, soooooo yeah, we’re on board.

They chat on the train and it seems pretty uncomfortable. He tells Andi how he had one 8-year relationship through high school and college. Wow, ONE girl for all those important years? He missed out on a lot of casual drunk high school/college humping. Not that I would know about any of that. It’s what I hear.

After the awkward train ride, they stop, change clothes and get back on the train. Why? They looked fine before. They head inside to a private train car, which is probably the single most un-intimate (is that a word?) and uncomfortable setting ever. They sit across from each other and I’ve never seen a room lit so brightly in my life. Ugh.

He finally breaks down and tells her all about his brother and sister both dying from a drug overdose and it’s friggin sad. I can’t handle all the heavy shit this season. His poor Mom. Ugh. Andi is crying, he’s crying and I’m fucking crying. What a mess. She gives him the rose and assures him it’s not a pity rose. She says that the date isn’t over yet and I’m personally thrilled because I want them to get the shit out of that stadium-lighting train car and go make out somewhere quiet and dark. But she takes him to blow the train whistle. Gee thanks. He later comments to the camera that this is one of the happier moments of his life…Awww, he deserves that.

Group Date 

The group date is for JJ, Chris, Andrew, Eric, Nick, Marquel, Cody, Tasos, Brian, Patrick, and Josh. There’s an arena in the hotel? What the?

Brian, the Basketball Coach, says he’s “in his element today”, and I pray there isn’t a repeat of last night’s Opera-dude-in-his-element-day. They toss around the ball and Andi almost breaks her ankle in ridiculous high-heeled sneakers. Then some ladies of the WNBA walk in and it’s safe to say I would not want to run across those chicks in a dark alley.

The women play against the dudes and absolutely kill them. Lindsey (WNBA chick) says, “I hope they have more game off the court.” It’s funny how these guys get completely torn apart when anyone from the outside world has to deal with them. First Boyz II Men and now these chicks.

Now the boys play each other. Winning team gets the after-party with Andi and losers go home. The red team is Brian, Nick, Andrew, Marquel, Cody and Eric. The Blue Team is Tasos, Josh, JJ, Patrick and Chris. Wait, they’re not really red and blue but Rosebuds and hand-drawn-heart-on-their-shirt-guys. Couldn’t production have afforded five official looking shirts?

Andrew comments on how competitive the game is getting. He says, “There’s a lot of testosterone being thrown around.” He adds, “Not by ME, per se, but you know. Some of those other guys are really manly.”

It’s half time and it’s tied… um at 6 to 6? What the fuck? Was it a thirty-second half? By the amount of sweat, you’d think it was a three-hour half. The Rosebuds kick it into high gear and beat the other dudes. Those guys are in the locker room and look really, really torn up. Ummm, easy guys. You DO realize every single one of you, except one, are eventually getting dumped, right?

At the after-party, she chats with Eric who tells her about his family, the fact he’s no longer Mormon, etc. The more he talks, the more normal and sweet he seems. She’s afraid they’ve “stalled” but claims it’s better after they talk. How is she not head-over-heels in love with him?

Brian takes her back to the basketball court where he makes a half court shot but pusses out completely on kissing her. Nick on the other hand, does NOT puss out and practically lies on top of her on the little lounger. Easy, pube head. Andi ends the date by giving the rose to Brian. You can’t give basketball guy the rose on the basketball date? Bradley is gonna be pissed when he sees this.

Marcus Date 

Andi takes Marcus to the roof of the hotel and tells them they’re going to rappel down the outside of the building. Do you know why? It’s leap of faith day, y’all. Get it? The whole thing is a metaphor for love. This show is so original!

They’re both beyond terrified of heights, so this is a SUPER fun date idea. Andi looks like she’s going to shit her Lululemon pants right then and there. Marcus is actually sweet and normal, helping her take the first step off, saying, “trust yourself”. How about if we trust the goddamn rope? I love that they rappel past the guys’ room. Nice rope placement by the producers.

Marcus is trying to distract Andi by asking, “What’s your Mom like? Is she like you?” She responds, “She’s nicer. She golfs. Not very well.” That’s funny…but why are you distracting her? Shouldn’t she be focusing on not dying?

They make it to the bottom without dying, if you can believe it. They head to dinner in “the oldest working Inn in America.” Probably doesn’t smell great. They chat about his ex blaaaaaah, I’m bored. She gives him the rose, and by the way, their dinners are totally untouched. I’m almost positive that’s a full chicken breast in front of her. She then says, “I have a treat for you tonight.

Wanna go find out what it is?” He replies, “If it’s your vagina, then yes.” I mean, she seriously oversells a concert by dudes I don’t know.

They are forced to dance on an elevated platform – I would hate that. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. Easy, boy. He then comments to the camera, “She could be my wife. She could be the one who says yes to me.” Ummm, red flag?

Cocktail Party 

Back at her hotel, Andi receives a love note from a secret admirer. They show some dude writing it and he has a pinky ring, which is a total deal killer. Highlights from the cocktail party:

• Brian takes her to the goddamn basketball court AGAIN. We get it dude – you looooove basketball. He finally kisses her. She comments that he could’ve done it upstairs and she wouldn’t have had to walk down that massive flight of stairs in her heels. Not really.
• Marquel thinks its romantic to teach Andi how to kill him from behind.
• And now Eric. Wait, this needs more than a bullet point.

Eric tells Andi that he doesn’t think she’s being super real with him, and I have to agree. I think he’s been totally open with her so maybe he’s onto something here. Unfortunately, he doesn’t communicate his feelings in a female-friendly way since he essentially calls her a fake, and an actress. He says he sees two sides to her, one with the cameras on and one without. He might have a point, but we just can’t tell that from our limited viewing and aggressive editing. However, Eric is near-perfection and he’s dead now which is super sad, so I’m just going to side with him on this one. Suck it Andi!

She gets more and more pissed and irrational, while Eric stays rational and tries to explain himself. She’s freaking out, girl-style, and there’s no going back for Eric here. She tells him to leave and one of them comment, “I’ll be thinking of how this ended” and then “Thank you for your time.” I mean, seriously…and then he dies before they can talk again? That shit would haunt my dreams forever. How SAD.

Eric leaves and it’s the last time we’ll see him on screen. His voiceover says, “Love leads to family. It’s the reason to live.” I’m sobbing at this point and decide I need a serious Bachelorette break.

Chris Harrison tells us that this is Eric’s last episode and it didn’t feel right to show the rose ceremony after this. Instead, he wants to talk to Andi about Eric. I get it but I don’t want to hear Andi talk about him now. She admits that having their last conversation be what it was, is a hard pill to swallow. Uh YEAH.

At the rose ceremony, Tasos was sent home, so Chris tells us. Next Bachelor isn’t on for two weeks. What? I’m relieved – I need a break from the heaviness. Let’s reconvene here in two weeks and talk about blowjobs, herpes and crazy dudes, just like old times.


  1. A guy never understands that when a girl looks at him with the side eye and says, "Interesting..." very slowly, the relationship just went down the crapper.

  2. Ok time for the clueless dude report:

    1. Nothing to disagree with Jen about this week - crap
    2. 2 weeks wtf? Ok on this I disagree - 2 weeks without Jen is unacceptable
    3. Take criticism much Andi? Jeez - more on this later
    4. Just an FYI - Mohegan Sun is a huge casino in CT - not just a hotel - oh those sneaky producers...
    5. Dylan - yikes - too heavy for this show? Is he ready for this emotional roller coaster? I wish him well just not sure this is the best place for him to be right now
    6. Marcus - better last night but way too attached at this pt. - may need more life experience
    7. Brian - could have gotten blown on TV after that half court shot - but the blowee blew it - is that a pun or a metaphor? Who the fuck cares.
    8. Eric - way off base? Poorly worded? Both? I guess we know why Andi's single! Sheesh what a crash and burn, er I mean rapid exit.

    I don't get how they "stalled out". Didn't she just go through this process last year? Is he supposed to smother her and cry when he doesn't get every one on one date? It's week 3 or 4 for craps sake! She's been on like 4 one on ones so far.

    Next week Josh criticizes Andi and she kills him with Marquell's strangle move!!

  3. I just think that is was pretty hypocritical of Andi to get so bent out of shape to be confronted with the truth, when that is exactly what she did last season with Juanny Pabs. And, lets be honest...she probably does act differently when the cameras are on. who wouldn't? i think this is a serious case of she can dish it but can't take it.

    Don't get me wrong, i like Andi as the Bachelorette, but she could have handled that better.

    1. Exactly. And you saw her facial expression change as Eric spoke. She became defensive within 30 seconds and you knew she shut down and wasn't even listening to him anymore, but scripting her reply in her head.

  4. I just think that is was pretty hypocritical of Andi to get so bent out of shape to be confronted with the truth, when that is exactly what she did last season with Juanny Pabs. And, lets be honest...she probably does act differently when the cameras are on. who wouldn't? i think this is a serious case of she can dish it but can't take it.

    Don't get me wrong, i like Andi as the Bachelorette, but she could have handled that better.

  5. I really couldn't deal with the Eric stuff either. I kept sitting there the whole time wondering HOW in the world she could let him go and have decided she is about as deep as a puddle (getting hot and bothered over a half-court shot, really girl?). ugh, I'm going to need a lot of liquor to get through the rest of this shitfest season.

  6. Oh ya'll are so naive. Very sad he is dead now, but that doesn't mean we can't say anything real about him. Eric was friends with several people associated with the bachelor, like Brooks, think that is a coincidence? Yes indeed he probably was a catch and a half but to think he was on that show to find love, in the first stages of going around the world, on a show that takes you around the world, makes me Skeptical with a capital S. It is sad he is dead but he was no more a saint than Andi is.

    But c'mon that was not just un-female friendly delivery that was serious foot in mouth disease and insulting a girl who probably did like him. Why wouldn't she like him he was HOT and interesting. You liked him didn't you? But perfect he was not maybe he needed to show some imperfection, which he finally did (commitment phobic) and then got defensive about it. She got defensive too but it's like her show and she kept some guys that weren't the cutest because they have good personalities. I have to give her credit for that.

    I also think you are a bit jaded about the show. Who can blame you for watching this crap over and over and having it not blur together when dissecting it has to be a challenge. However I will say I liked the old people dress up thing. I may be the only one.

    Also, its good to give them some humdrum dates, more like real life so why does that draw your ire? Do you want them to know that relationships mean taking a crap in front of each other or think it is all global cities and horse drawn carriages?

  7. I officially cannot stand Andi now and I was once a big fan. I thought she was the prettiest and most "real" (other than your sister-wife Renee of course) from last season of the bachelor.
    Andi's inability to speak with any eloquence about her feelings regarding what Dylan shared with her was painful to watch. how many times can you repeat "Its like, just so awful that someone would have to go through something like that. you know? like its just awful and I can't believe he had to go through that". Andi-say SOMETHING else. and stop saying LIKE so much!

    Her post-show interview with Smitty was worse. Considering she had a lot of time to think about what she would say regarding Eric's death and her time with him I expected something a bit more heartfelt and at the very least intelligent sounding. How is she an attorney?? Don't attorney's have to have a reasonable vocabulary and fairly decent ability to be articulate on the spot?

    And- the SOUND she made when he mentioned how she found him very attractive when he first walked out of the limo. *shudder*. WHAT the hell was that. ew. it made me feel gross.

    I don't forgive her for acting like such a diva when Eric was trying to talk to her about his feelings. Sure, maybe he was fumbling a bit. But that was a serious glimpse into how Andi takes criticism. She could have took it in stride and continued on with the party but instead she bursts into the room and goes full on diva. lame. I don't like her. THe end.

    Dylan is my favorite guy remaining but I don't think he's going to last much longer. He has a lot of depth. He also has a lot of pain. I don't think that Andi is looking for someone who is complex and interesting like him. Nor does she want to be a therapist for someone. She doesn't strike me as someone with a ton of empathy. perhaps if she was 10 years older she would be interested in marrying someone like Dylan.

  8. My take on the Andi & Eric situation is that Eric realized that Andi is shallow, and more interested in fame than showing her true self on TV to find love.

    She comes off as fake, a bad actress, and a bit of a princess.
    Eric seemed to be a class act, and very genuine. He may have had other motives beyond finding love for going on the show, but he was very genuine, no acting. RIP Eric.

    Andi wants a career on TV, and this show is her stepping stone. Nothing more.

  9. I still like Andi. I too am hypersensitive and dramatic especially when tired so who am I to throw stones. Its like that recent Amy Schumer episode. Noises when you see a hot guy? Bagging on Andi's vocabulary under an emotional situation. Its always hard to know what to say in the moment especially when no words are adequate no matter how eloquent one can be when put on the spot. Tough crowd.

    Dylan seems sweet but still has healing to do. I certainly wish him lots of future happiness.

  10. I've been thinking about the whole Dylan thing a lot, because I've been there. My sister died of an overdose 3 years ago (also in November, actually). I'm not sure he's doing himself any favors by going on this show so soon after. This was probably filmed maybe 4 months after his brother died? I know that people grieve differently, but I was nowhere near ready to date 4 months after my sister's death. It took me 6 months to admit that I still had feelings for the guy I'd been seeing before she died (my now husband), and I can't imagine wanting to start something new with someone who hadn't seen me through the grieving process. Maybe he's trying to do something to break him out of his funk, but I doubt he really has the emotional energy to put into a relationship, let alone a "relationship" with a 24/25 chance of rejection. I just want to give him a hug and then tell him to go home.

    I don't really have feelings either way about Eric. I think mostly she realized she wasn't that into him, which is why she started coming off fake. I wish they hadn't interviewed her about him after the fact, though. It seemed really awkward. Bleh.

  11. Not sure if you've seen this letter from Eric's sister or not, Jen, but it's worth reading:

  12. I think that the person who is chosen for the very first date usually gets the shaft! They always seem to have a great day but then it is a pretty long time before they actually get to spend anymore time with the bachelor/bachelorette....and because they just had a one on one, they are usually left out on the next couple of group dates as well so by the time the person gets to go on a group date, they haven't seen the person that they thought they had such a strong connection to. This is what happened with Eric and Andi....the poor guy was trying to say that he thought they had a great connection and that's what she kept telling hi that first date but then he couldn't understand why she couldn't keep telling him that the connection is still there, you know throw him a bone when they did get a few minutes to talk at the cocktail parties....he just needed that assurance, you see it happen every season! Eric didn't exactly come across the way he wanted to and it got him sent home. RIP Eric!
    Oh lordy, the part I thought was the fakest and hardest to watch was when Andi and JJ dressed up as old people. My mom is almost 80 an very young looking for her age but you can still see she is elderly....well why JJ was looking like an 80 year old, Andi certainly didn't look like she was old....Jen was right here, she looked like herself with a gray wig,she was so phony looking, it was like we will make you look old but still have you looking your beautiful self, spare me ugh! I have been so over this show the last few years now and the only reason I watch it is so I can relate to your funny delicious recaps...that's how much I love your recaps Jen, they get me to watch this crap...knowing I have a recap to read afterwards! Thanks for keeping us all entertained!

  13. It's too bad And didn't pick Eric to go on to hometown dates... I know it's cruddy to say, but it's all I could think about as far as him potentially avoiding his accident.

  14. Jen,

    Did ya know Benjamin Bratt is on this season of 24? You're hubby can thank me later.

  15. Oh boy. To me, Eric seemed so great, and I am not sure if what happened afterwards has coloured my perception, or if they edited him to look that way. I am also left wondering how it is that Andi could say that he wasn't sharing enough of himself with her? That story about him in Syria was pretty deep shit if you ask me, and he validated my feeling on it when he reminded her about telling her this on their first date. In fact, I recall thinking how unique for this show that conversation was for its depth! True, agree he is no saint, no one is going on this show but to push their own agenda, or they want free luxury travel. But, I wanted to high five Eric in that moment when he was calling Andi out for being fake. Funny how karma works, as she herself was very critical of Juan Pablo as Sarah has pointed out. Yes, she can dish it but can't take it. I hope she learns something from watching this back. Girl, you need a thicker skin. Sadly, that tends to come with age. Few of us have it in our twenties. But, I do definitely see shades of princess in her, yes, definitely.

    I think Eric saw the writing on the wall before he confronted her. He figured he wasn't going to last considering what she said before so he might as well tell her how he feels and get the last word.

    RIP Eric, you seemed to me one of the most interesting, intelligent men this franchise has seen in a very long time. I am very glad they have shown him in such a good light because I suspect they wanted to do him justice. I don't give this show props for much but for this I will.

  16. Maybe you can clarify for me, oh wise sage Jen, but what is it, exactly, that is leaving Andi "SO exhausted" at the end of the day? She "works such long, hard hours" doing what, exactly? Choosing which guy to bang first? I'm more of a Bachelorette novice, but don't you go on three dates in a week and spend the rest of the time working out and putting on makeup? SO why, again, are you exhausted? And clearly the degree to which she got THAT defensive that early shows that there may have been some truth to what Eric said. I think there is a definite correlation between how much people have traveled and how "real" or "fake" you are. Case in point, Eric is real, Andi is fake.
    Also, you're totally right about the old people thing. I said the same thing, that NO, this is not what it would be like, because you will not have gone through raising children, possibly failed mortgages, refinancing, losing loved ones and parents....not even close, Andi. But whatever helps you sleep at night.

  17. Can we get a brief recap,on this lame-ass recap show?

    Maybe something in the pubic hair head region?

    OK that sounds bad I just meant ripping on pubic hair head some more. He's smarmy.

  18. I watched Sunday and Monday Episodes back to back on DVR. Has anyone else notice her fake pursing of the lips these 2 episodes? Or the fact that on every single date she says "Obviously there is a rose on tonight's date..."

    Shut it.

    BTW- I don't think Eric was trying to insult her. I think he was just saying, "Hey, it's just us two right now, you don't have to be 'on' all the time," and I think she totally misinterpreted as him attacking her.