Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - The Dry Hump Episode

This week there are two one-on-one dates and one group date but there is only a rose on the group date oh my god I don’t give a shit about this show anymore. Andi’s frownie face is also wearing on my last nerve. And I keep waiting for someone to express a concern again and then she gets all pissy pants and shuts down. She’s fun.

Six guys left, we’re in Belgium and this entire episode is about Nick’s over-confidence and the guys’ gay scarves.


Marcus Date 

Marcus and Andi walk around town. At least an hour of this episode is walking around town. Eating chocolate. And watching animals. We could do an hour show, people. Don’t need two. At a café, Andi asks Marcus if he’s been journaling. Sigh. I’m sorry, I’m sure journaling is healthy or artistic or some shit, but it’s just a bit of a turn off for me. I want a guy in touch with his feelings but don’t be THAT in touch.

Marcus comments it’s the first day he feels like Andi is his girlfriend. It’s pretty accurate. Yup, whenever I would go on a date with my boyfriend, I go home alone and dry hump a different dude against a tree.

They eat dinner alone in a fancy palace, and I mean, how many goddamn palace dinner dates can you do in one season? She asks about his family and I’m thoroughly confused. It SOUNDS like his mom beat him. But yet they’re totally friends now? Sure, I’m down with forgiveness, but I just can’t get my head around a child-beater. I’d have a tough time with that lady as my mother-in-law.

She calls Marcus a real man and they dry hump against a wall. The end.


Nick Rendezvous 

Marcus comes back to the guys’ hotel room and Nick doesn’t like the fact he was feeling up his lady. So he heads to the front desk where he is not only given Andi’s room number but also a key. Note to self: Security is horrible at the Grand Schweistsenmeiner hotel. For real, how fucking stupid are the producers? They think we buy this shit? Front desk lady would never do that, especially since Nick looked like a shady child molester asking for her room key.

Dylan pony tail NO.

Back to Nick – he goes to Andi’s room where they both claim their hearts are racing. Ewww. She claims Nick is breaking rules, but that’s not true. If he was breaking a rule, the producers wouldn’t let him do it. It’s not like they don’t know it happened. Can you tell I’m ornery about this show?

As she gets felt up against a tree, she voiceovers that her relationship with Nick is all about passion. It’s mentally, physically, emotionally passionate. Shut up. You want to get in his pants, but there is no such thing as mental passion. Idiots.


Josh Date 

This entire date, no really – the entire date – is Andi saying over and over again that she needs Josh to tell her how he feels. He’s holding back. I wish he was more open. She literally says it thirty times. WE GET IT. Maybe he’s not feeling it? Or maybe he’s just not a total pussy and doesn’t want to spill his heart when he knows your vagina is on vacation with three other dudes in Belgium.

Of course, it’s probably why she likes him. He’s the challenge. The inaccessible one. Seriously, girls are so annoying.

They start the date by…wait for it…walking around town! Nothing to report. He’s hot though. They head to dinner in a…wait for it…fancy castle. She comments he hasn’t opened up. Maybe if you pipe down and stop leaving the date to bitch to the cameras about his lack of opening up, he might open up.

He finally says he’s falling in love with her and she beams like she’s just been told she won the lottery. Now she’ll probably decide to stop liking him. Girls, sheesh.

They enjoy a concert by two people I’ve never heard of. They make out in smoky light. Par for the course, Bachelor-style. The end.


Group Date 

The group date is for Nick, Brian, Chris and Dylan. They get out of the city to explore Le Ruins de Brussels. It’s not really called that. Three things to note here: Dylan took his ponytail out, everyone hates Nick and Andi likes tight pants.

Nick bitches again about group dates. Those dates are not miserable because of the other guys, but because they have to do humiliating things and sweaty physical activity. I’d be super pissed if I had to ride that rail bike thing.

Dylan comments the Ruins de Brussels have stood the test of time. Ummm, not really. They look pretty shitty and worn down to me. He then says, “I hope Andi and I’s relationship could also stand the test of time.” Way to bring it full circle, Dylan. Also, those ruins started out as a castle and now they are some rocks with grass on them. It’s actually quite an accurate way to describe the future of their relationship.

They head to a real working monastery. The only reason they allowed them to film there was if they promised not to kiss. Nick raises his hand: “Excuse me, Mr. Producer? Is actual penetration acceptable? Like Pretty Woman?”

Oddly, Chris and Andi do pottery and it’s almost an under-the-sofa moment. It is not at all sexual to rub your hands in wet clay. This is not Ghost in 1991. Then they have a clay fight. Totes sexual.

Nick spouts off about his confidence and the guys talk a lot of shit about him. Nick comments that if he gets the rose on this date, it’ll be her way of telling him that she loves him back. Ummm, or it’ll be her way of telling him that she likes him as much as three other guys and she’s currently dry humping all of you. But whatever makes you sleep at night, Nicky.

Of course, she gives the goddamn rose to Nick and America lets out a collective groan. He now thinks he’s got this in the bag. He says, “My confidence is at its peak.” Ewww.

Brian, Dylan and Chris have to go home early and they shove them into a little European van, clown-car style. There are a lot of bleeps. It’s not lookin’ good for these three. Also WHAT is that super gay green bracelet that Brian is wearing?

Back in the hotel, the guys are still bashing on Nick. He comes home and they yell at him a little bit. Same shit. They yell at him for strategizing, for being over-confident, untrustworthy and just annoying in general. I’m booooored. Also, Nick mumbles a lot. He says, “I can’t control how the guys think about me.” Ummm, yes you can. Don’t be a douche bag and they won’t think you’re a douche bag. Just a thought.


Cocktail Party 

It’s oddly clear to everyone that Josh and Marcus are getting two of the roses. The last one is between Chris, Dylan and Brian. I can tell Brian is out, but I’m torn between Dylan and Chris. I like both of them, but if it came down to who I want on top of me naked, which is of course the most important consideration of a husband, it would be Dylan, hands down. There’s something too soft about Chris… and Marcus, too.

At least Chris and Andi kiss sometimes, but Dylan and Andi seem to have no chemistry. He’s hot – why is this?


Rose Ceremony 

Andi, husband bowling


Nick already has a rose. The three others go to:

Josh – Super hot. He’s growing on me too. Mama like, mama like.
Marcus – Seriously heavy childhood baggage but I like him. But he seems a tad soft and quiet.
Chris – Farmer and seriously nice guy. I want him to date someone I know. Just not me. But I like him.

Therefore, Dylan and Brian are sent home. Dylan is heartbreakingly sad, crying, saying he deserves to fall in love. Ugh, this is sad. Next Bachelor? Brian is sad too, but he’s more pissed than sad. Next week looks ok – Chris tells Andi to be an Iowa housewife and they all learn about Eric’s death. Ugh, sad. Oh and Brian is afraid of pickles. See you next week, peeps.

16 comments:

  1. there is no such thing as mental passion. HAHAHA!
    Love you Jen. Without you I would have stopped watching this season.

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  2. I am so NOT into Josh. Those chompers of his are a total turn-off for me. And I can see exactly what kind of husband he'll be: he won't help with the dishes or the kids because he will think that he has a "right" "after his long week at work" (never mind yours) to sit on the couch all weekend, drink beer, eat snacks, and watch sports. Oh, and he won't even make the snacks himself. He will expect his wife to do everything for him. Including picking up his socks and underwear off the floor. Then he and his wife will get into a big fight, have make up sex, and do the same routine all over again. Wash, rinse, repeat. And Josh, of course, will develop a big paunch and lose his hair. Just sayin'.

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  3. Also WHAT is that super gay green bracelet that Brian is wearing?

    To answer your question... that is a battle saints bracelet. Deisgned by a military mom "to honor their service and provide a sense of protection from the dangers of the battlefield" http://www.battlesaint.com/

    I won't comment any further because you probably feel like a heel now.

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  4. It's all good! The black one looks a little manlier so maybe Brian should have chosen that one. But kudos to him for supporting.

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  5. Thank you for filling in ALL that I miss while multitasking & accomplishing other important things... like passing onto the next level of Candy Crush!

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  6. Umm.. so you know that Nick-bashing hotel scene? I spent the whole time trying to see Josh's watch because I was convinced it was a different color in the beginning of the scene. I was wrong, same watch. That's how boring that scene was.

    Also, Dylan chasing Brian with a pickle was the best part of this episode. Dylan is hot.

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  7. Oh my word. This is the most boring season ever. Every week I fall asleep during the rose ceremony. Yet, I can't bail. I'm an idiot.

    And I don't like Andi at all. She keeps acting so surprised when the guys tell her they're falling for her. It's like she doesn't know that's how the show is designed.

    And Nick is a total creeper.

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  8. Last season, you noted how awful Sharleen looked in the shorts and black tights. Just so you know, that is a European thing. I have been to Portugal, Spain and the fashion capital of the world, Paris in the last 2 months and lots of women of all ages are sporting that look. It still looks stupid. Just wanted u to know.

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  9. Andi really seems to hate it when the guys express an opinion other than they opinion she THINKS they should have. She's done it a lot, with the two most glaring being the night Eric left and this week with Josh. She doesn't like to be challenged at all, and would rather be with the guy (Nick) who just fawns all over her. I can't imagine how boring it would be to be with someone like that. I love that my hubby has differing views on some things. I mean, he's wrong, but I like that he expresses them :)

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  10. I hate to say this (not really) but I would've seriously considered sending Nick home after he said he'd be more lenient with his son than his daughter. That's one of my least favorite thing that I have heard way more than one guy say and it's some fresh sexist horseshit. Other than that, whatever. He's not that hot but if they have chemistry, carry on. Don't care.

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  11. Andi, husband bowling.

    Hahahahahaha!!!!

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  12. I KNEW you were going to say something about the scarves...haha seriously, WTF? All of them at once!
    And maybe you can answer this since you have far more Bachelorette / Bachelor experience, but why the hell don't ANY of them say NO when they are interrupted at a cocktail party with, "hi, sorry, but can I steal/take/borrow/dry hump/screw so-and-so?" And everyone always says sure, and then bitches about it later, particularly if they have a rose. Why not just man up (or woman up) and say "actually, no. Since you already have a rose, I'm hoping to spend more time with this person." Or SOMETHING. Sheesh!

    I used to think Nick was a manipulator, and while I still find him gross and unattractive, I'm starting to think he might really like Andi...it's kind of obnoxious and nauseating how much he fucking talks about her. Ugh. Time will tell!

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  13. I kind of think that Nick is a little freakishly obsessive,yah the scarves! Took the words right out of my mouth. Way to accessorize lol. She still fishes for compliments.

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  14. LOL - to be fair, I read that producers had to run out and buy scarves for the guys because it was very cold in Europe and they didn't bring any themselves. These are really the kinds of scarves men wear over there, even the hetero ones! Probably what was only available in the stores and not what we see here in NA. All bets are off if they are wearing them inside though....can't remember!

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  15. I feel like she's going to end up with one of the guys I like the least - Josh (aka Charles in Charge) or Nick. It seems like Josh is the one she said is her type that always ends badly. So my money is on him. I think both will be jerks in the long run.

    I actually liked Brian the most, but I like the sorta-nerdy awkward types. If they can occasionally pull it together, it's endearing. Of the three left, I like Chris the most, but feel like the show is telling her to keep him. "Hey, producers, I only like these two jerks. Any opinion on who else to string along?"

    I always forget Dylan exists. Did he get the fourth rose? Now I have to go back and look!

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  16. So they are either boring or horrendously imperfect jen. You are funny (well not so much this year its like a comedian relying on bathroom humor cause they ran out of things to say). I know who you are now, a mean girl with a funny bite. I can see not liking her behavior but bagging on a natural facial expression just reeks. I thought you were better than this. This comment is for you as I know it will never be published. It is well known that most of those that dish it out can't take it. I will save my commentary on the dates for another blog.

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