Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap – Men Tell All and an Ultrasound

First of all, I cannot even begin to thank all my cyber friends for all the amazing love and support I received last week after letting everyone know about my mom’s cancer diagnosis! I received tons of comments, emails, tweets, etc. It was just such a wonderful surprise and it made me realize why I still do this. It’s becoming harder to write about this same shit show every week but I would miss you guys if I stopped. Truly – thank you for your support.

Quick colon cancer update since so many people have asked. I’m down here with mom in Southern California (I live in Northern California for those who don’t know). She’s hanging in there, but clearly not her lively self. After some tests and scans they found the cancer has not spread past her colon, which is amazing, amazing news. Surgery soon and we’re hoping that’s it. But she’s been sick so we’re not sure how this will all go, if they’ll find something else unexpected, and how she’ll handle surgery. So we’re not out of the woods but all indications say that the cancer is totally treatable.

Onto the Men Tell All. I’m busy with Mom so this will probably be short and sweet which is fine considering there isn’t too much to discuss. This show could definitely be one hour.


JP and Ashley 

These two are back…She is not only pregnant but has the biggest boobs I’ve seen in awhile. And on full display, yowzers! The fact that they tore a hole in her dress to do a live ultrasound on a Bachelor special tells me just how low this franchise will go. Don’t get me wrong, I was mesmerized but at one point, my mom yelled, “What the fuck are they doing??” So I know I’m not alone in thinking that was a little bananas. Also, that took awhile. I bet the ultrasound guy couldn’t find a penis or vagina on that thing but was terrified to say it. That would not have gone over well with producers. So he says, “Uhhh it’s a…boy?”


Before we meet the guys, there is a Bachelor in Paradise preview, which I have to say…looks Amazing. AMAZING. They’re doing a good job in selling it – I definitely want to see it. I tell my mom this. She replies, “Oh good lord, Jennifer….is Castle on now?”


The Guys 

Har har you’re all wearing scarves. Also, Dylan looks WAY better with that mane under control. Other things to note: Three guys are wearing red pants, and annoying Marquel has a cookie on his lapel. Dork.

They talk about the “blackies” incident for twenty minutes. Seriously, that was overkill. They’re just trying to give Marquel some airtime so he can get some fan support so he’ll be the next Bachelor. The show came under fire for not having enough diversity a couple years ago, so clearly they want Marquel to be the FIRST African American bachelor. However, he’s on Bachelor in Paradise this summer, and a friend of mine made the good point that you give up your Bachelor card if you’re on Bach Pad. Excellent point. So we’ll see. In the meantime, I just wish they’d shut the hell up about this.

After we hash out this fight forever, Marquel now gets in the hot seat. Uh, why? He didn’t even kiss her, he wasn’t close to the end, sooooo they must be giving him a Bachelor audition here. Oh wait, no, he just had cookies to hand out.

Marcus is now in the hot seat. Here are my notes from this part. “He cried a lot when he got kicked off. He’s now on Bachelor in Paradise.” Clearly, it was a riveting segment. He just failed HIS Bachelor audition.

Now the farmer is in the hot seat. He’s pretty hot…I THINK I could handle him naked on top of me. Anyway, this chick in the audience was so planted there. Give me a break. So some random girl asks to meet Chris, come up and sits next to him. Chris Harrison tells them to have a speed date during the commercial break. What if, when they came back, Farmer and random chick were making out and he was rubbing her boobs? That would’ve been awesome.


Andi 

Have I ever said that I actually think Andi has decent taste in clothes? Most of these bachelorettes are so tacky but I like her stuff… with the HUGE exception of those camel toe pants. This dress tonight is awesome…a bit fancy for this, but whatever. Also, did she get a boob job? Also, if I sat on that sofa in that dress, my thigh cellulite would be all squished and puckered against itself. Attractive, I know.

Why does this random pro golfer keep talking?

Nobody says anything interesting. Lie detector results come out and we find out Dylan was a big liar, saying he prefers brunettes (liar) and is ready for marriage (liar. And no shit.) Josh also lied but Andi AGAIN says she doesn’t want to hear it. Why not? He’s not even there. Screw trust – go get the goods.

Bloopers are the best always, but even these aren’t amazing. Is it the cancer shitting on my sense of humor? It’s not that funny, amiright?

Next week is the finale and we see a quick review of Josh and Nick. They play the whole thing like Nick is all crazy dog (“SHE WILL BE MY WIFE. SHE WILL.) And Josh is the one she really likes but maybe he’ll hurt her. What to do, Andi? What to do…I’m rooting for Joshie only because he’s waaaaaay hotter.

I’ll see you next week for the finale, hopefully. And then onto Bachelor in Herpes-dise.

19 comments:

  1. What if, when they came back, Farmer and random chick were making out and he was rubbing her boobs?

    Truly awesome image. Laughing out loud every time I read it.
    Thanks for the recaps and especially for this one given the circumstances. All the best for you and your mom.

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  2. Hi Jen – hopefully your mom’s prognosis and condition will only improve with care and over time – looking at the comment count on your previous post you can see the support in cyber world that has her and you in their thoughts on this one.

    As a guy, I find the MTA to be too painful to watch in its entirety, too long and soooo uninteresting…perhaps they should skip the ultrasound next time and go straight to the breast exam?

    Looking forward to B.I.P. aka S.T.D., and of course your write-ups!

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  3. Continued prayers, but happy things are looking more hopeful for complete recovery. If she has your spunk, which I think she must given the, "What the fuck..." query she made over the ultrasound, then I am confident she'll be just fine. :D

    Looking forward to the end of this one. I am not fond of Andi and don't give a fuck who she picks. If I gave a fuck, it would be Nick because I like Josh better.

    Hang in.
    -Brenda

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  4. To the token guy, "Anonymous" -- Yea! Love you and your comments! Keep 'em comin'!

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  5. Cynical New YorkerJuly 22, 2014 at 6:56 PM

    And what's even weirder about the whole ultrasound thing is that they've known for MONTHS that they're having a boy. There was a story in People. So it was all a big act. By everyone.
    Red pants on men: barf, barf, barf
    Marquel used to be hot to me. Not after last night, though. Sigh.
    JJ came across as a drunk, ditzy little bitch. That was sad. And I wonder if this pantsapreneur supplied all the hideous red pants...
    Hugs to you and your mom!

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  6. Love your sense of humor even in the midst of your pain!
    I'm sure your Mom is loving you being there with her through this. I hope she reads your blog :)
    Bachelor in Herpes-dise! YES!

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  7. So glad to hear the good report about your mom. Sending best wishes your way.

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  8. Sending healing thoughts to your Mom - sounds like she has a great support team in you & your family! And no, it's not just you. This season has been boring and the MTA episode even more so! The bloopers were so not funny! I'm voting for Josh since I think Nick is lame and quite possibly confused about his sexuality. Enough already with the scarves!! Keep writing girlfriend - you totally make this show worth watching!!

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  9. Glad to hear about your mom! Thinking of you both.

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  10. Great update on your mom! The Marquel Show went on for way too long. Folks were commenting in another blog that Andi has implants. And rummor is that Chris Soules is the next bach.
    Hang in there, Jen!

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  11. Great news about your mom, lucky her to have you there by her side!

    MTA was the most boring in recent history of this show, I am quite sure. What can you expect when there was really so little drama this season. Manufactured to the max.

    Why no Eric Hill mention? I was quite surprised by this. When it didn't come, I was expecting something at the closing to dedicate the season to his memory or something but instead it was all about some stupid letter to Andi by one of the final two that probably just says how much they love her blah blah blah, and if it is from Nick it will have some stick figure pictures added in for good measure... barf.

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  12. I don't understand why Marquel is all against racism yet it's ok for him to exploit his race and give out BLACK and white cookies as a joke??? Seems like a double standard to me!
    Also I'm 100% certain Andrew said "she kept the 2 black guys." BUT WHO CARES!! I said the same thing to my husband that night in the same manner I said "she dumped all the long haired guys" or "she doesn't like blondes." It's not racist, it's just facts!!
    Sorry about your mom. Prayers are with you Jen!

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  13. Jen - blogs like yours are the reason I watch this shitty show! Hilarious recaps the next day make me feel less bad about myself for sitting down on Monday nights to watch 2 hours of such a lame show. Thanks for that!

    Your momma and your family are in my thoughts as y'all go through this tough time. Please know that you really do bring so many people joy and laughter - I hope you find comfort in knowing you have lots of support from your "cyber-family" (and probably your real life family and friends which, let's be real, sounds way less creepy than your "cyber-family" ;)

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  14. Oh my word, were you DYING when Andrew called Marquel Ron during that segment?! Talk about crawling under my couch!! Could not have been more perfectly awkward!

    So glad things are looking positive for your Mama!!

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  15. You're awesome. Mom is too. I can tell you two have a good time together.
    Once again, your spot on.
    Looking forward to the finale.
    Bach in Paradise looks interesting!

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  16. I love that your Mom has your sense of humor, or you have hers! A cute bit of potty mouth -- I laughed so hard at your Mom's comments. Would love to hear her comments about the show each week -- that will keep her mind busy! Keeping prayers for her.
    This was the most boring "Men tell all" ever. Why can't they make the bloopers last 30 minutes and cut the rest of the show.

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  17. OMFG I cannot WAIT for Jen's recap today!

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  18. Jen, I'm so happy for you and your family to hear the optimistic news! I hope your mom shares your awesome sense of humor, because having experienced serious medical issues myself, I can tell you a good attitude and sense of humor really helps to get through it all.
    I'm sad this season is over, mostly because it means your recaps for this season are near the end.
    Best Wishes to your and your momma!

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  19. Glad to hear things may look brighter for your mom.

    Great blog again and thanks or taking the time.

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