Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Bachelorette Recap - Oh Nicky. Not cool.

Nick! You dick. More on that later.


Nick Meets the Dorfmans 

The Dorfman family scores a free trip to the Dominican Republic. Nick gets totally dressed up to meet Andi’s family, complete with a baseball-type jersey and forgetting to brush his hair. But he wins points by bringing mom flowers and dad alcohol. To which sister replies, “What the fuck? Am I chopped liver?”

Ah yes, Andi’s dad, Hy. You can tell Andi got to him and begged him not to be an asshole. He was stoic, but mostly nice-ish. Nick thanks Andi’s mom for raising the most wonderful girl he’s ever met. He then adds on, “Did I mention she is a panther in the bedroom? I mean, WOW!”

Do I have to keep writing here? It’s all the same shit. He kisses ass, telling everyone how much he loves her, he’s a bit awkward, asks for Hy’s blessing to propose, etc. All in all, he seems to genuinely like Andi a LOT but is an emotional mess…Also, I need sister Rachel to STOP playing with her goddamn hair.


Josh Meets the Dorfmans 

I bet Josh makes the worst first impression ever. I mean, he’s totally smiley and nice, but he’s much more outgoing and way less pussy-like than Josh, so I bet he comes across as this cocky athlete-type.

There’s a lot of the same shit, asking how much he loves her, blaaaaah. Josh and Hy are dressed the exact same, which is weird.


Last Date with Josh 

Again, Josh gets the yacht date. Lucky bastard! They hang out on a yacht, make out in the ocean and talk about…well not much. Josh says to the camera, “I have an unconditional love for my family and I feel that way about Andi – Even stronger, actually.” Ohhhh Josh’s mama is NOT going to be pleased about that. And I am NOT pleased about his red pants.

They go sit on a sofa later where they talk about…nothing. They laugh and make out a lot. He gives her a personalized baseball card and I bet my hat the producers gave that to him to give to her. It’s actually a little funny so nice work, Producers, I mean, Josh. At least it’s not a fucking scrapbook.


Last Date with Nick 

That’s a lot of blue he’s wearing! Blue on blue on blue. They go off-roading, otherwise known as on-roading in a Jeep. The passion is off the charts with these two, as Andi says, “Nick makes me think deeply.” THAT sounds fun.

They have a picnic at some lagoon and I’m SURE there are no snakes or scorpions in there at ALL. I mean…are you people crazy? And not in a million fucking years would I go swimming in that lagoon. I’m sure it’s infested with that parasite that swims up your penis hole.

When they later sit on a sofa, he’s so friggin unattractive. I mean, stop the mumbling and the nervousness. He seems like a super insecure teenager. All he’s looking for is reassurance. She even tells him that he needs to stop overanalyzing and to turn his brain off. How annoying would it be to be married to THAT? Let’s ignore the fact that’s TOTALLY me and I’m sure my husband would like to turn my brain off daily.

He gives her a sand-filled necklace, which is sweet, sort of, but totally unusable. Would you EVER actually wear that? In Andi’s words, STOP. You pussy.

Andi comments that she loves her physical connection with Josh but there’s an intellectual connection with Nick. There is so much wrong with this. First of all, would you like to be married forever, to the guy who you have zero fun with, but can talk about politics with? Or would you like to be married to Josh where you don’t talk about shit, but laugh a lot and roll around naked together. Hmmm. Wait, this is actually a hard decision.


Neil Lane visits the guys…oh wait, just Josh 

Neil Lane also gets a free vaca to the Dominican Republic where he is dressed in his Neil Lane uniform. Do you think he was mad his airtime was cut in half? Josh picks out a ring…Nick hears a knock on his door and...it’s Andi, not Neil Lane. Dum dum DUM!

Do you think he saw Neil Lane leave Josh’s room and he was like, “Hey. Hey! I’m over here! Why are you getting in your car??!”

Andi pops into Nick’s room and you can see the horror on his face. He knows this isn’t good news. She dumps him, telling him something didn’t feel right and it’s clear they shouldn’t be together. She mentions some other crap, but here starts the recurring theme of Nick: He’s just mad that she gave him reassurance when it was really empty. He’s mad at the public humiliation factor. Why did she say things? Why did she look at him that way? Why did she ride him in the fantasy suite until sunrise? He says she took it too far.

He gets a ride to the airport in the Bachelor-hired car. He complains, mostly about the fact he was so confident and she blindsided him.


Josh Proposes 

Why are his pants and jacket so tight? Did the humidity make him expand? Good lord! He’s still hot though. He walks out to Andi and is sweating his balls off. He tells her when he gave up his first love, baseball, he knew there was a bigger love out there. Oh lord, her whole life is about to become a baseball metaphor. When she’s giving birth: “Andi, hit this one out of the park!” etc, etc.

He goes on and on and on. He finally stops and she tells him that she’s madly in love with him too. And that he’s the one she wants to spend the rest of her baseball days with. Good lord, get this guy a bottle of water!


After the Final Rose 

This could just be called the Nick special. What happened next with Nick…well, he went home and was super pissed he wasn’t chosen. I do believe he was heartbroken, yes, but 90% of his sadness stems from the fact he feels he was led on and humiliated on TV. He’s mostly just annoyed that he THOUGHT he would be the winner. We follow him all the way back to Milwaukee so we can see him ponder Andi sadly in a market, overlooking a river, etc.

He goes back to the Men Tell All taping and tries to get her to talk to him. She refuses. Couldn’t they just have asked her before he flew all the way out there? That seems like a waste of money.

Out on stage, Chris talks to Nick about how that was actually his second attempt at trying to talk to her. She refused him that time too. Nick AGAIN says how he felt so blindsided because she gave him so many reasons to be confident (One reason – she gave him her vagine.)

Andi comes out on stage and for trying to talk to her for three months, he doesn’t have much to say. He’s sad, he’s uncomfortable, but as we’re about to find out, his pride is just hurt that he was overly-confident and got shit on. He drops the bomb, “If you weren’t in love with me, then why did you make love to me?”

GASP! Wait, does this fucking woman have minions on her nails?


He adds on, “That night was fiancé type of stuff.” Soooo, he’s a single dude in Chicago – am I honestly supposed to believe that he’s never had sex with anyone that he wasn’t in love with? Every woman he’s been with has been almost his fiancé? I’m far from a slut, but please, I’ve had sex with a dude that I don’t think I’ll marry. Sometimes it’s just fun and you’re drunk. Maybe I am a slut…

Perhaps Nick has only had sex with one other woman (his past ex-fiancé) because he truly believes that you don’t have sex with anyone unless you’re about to marry them. Maybe he’s truly pious and way less slutty than I am. But I just doubt it, so chill out Nick. Therefore, I chalk this move up to asshole-ness. She humiliated him (in his eyes) by making him think he was the one and then dumping him on TV. That’s embarrassing (to him). So he wanted to humiliate her. True, she had opportunity to talk to him in private – maybe if she did that, he wouldn’t have said that on National TV. Either way, his ego was bruised and I think he was kind of a dick here. Bottom line: He’s got major crazy potential, and he’s a bit of a prick.

Also, she was PISSED. I love how Andi gets pissed and if she’s pissed at you, you’re done. She’ll never talk to your ass again. She was fuming.


Bachelor in Herpes-dise Promo 

Please, people, this shit looks incredible. I’ll be there next Monday, for SURE.


Josh and Andi 

Of the hour long special, Andi and Josh are together on stage for three minutes. He’s got something in his eye and won’t stop poking at it. They’re happy together and have been sneaking around Atlanta together. I thought he lived in Miami now? Also, between Josh, Andi and Nick, it’s teeth-o-rama on this show. Wow.

Chris Harrison makes fun of Andi’s frownie face, which I appreciate she readily admits to. They bring out grumpy cat and oddly, throw that shit on her lap. Can someone get this cat off me? This dress is expensive. Thaaaanks.

So that’s all for this season. Good stuff, peeps. See you next week, people. Herpes-dise!

38 comments:

  1. Seriously funny shit!!! Always is:) hugs to your mom even though you don't know me!
    Pat in Boise

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  2. Cynical New YorkerJuly 29, 2014 at 11:14 AM

    Yes, yes, and yes. You have hit multiple nails on multiple heads here. I was liking Nick all season until last night. Seriously, I had high school boyfriends who were more well spoken. And although I'm sort of delighted/intrigued that he outed the fantasy suite experience, I'm more disgusted. Low blow, desperation move. That will forever brand him a prick.

    Penis hole parasite...still laughing at that one and likely will be for the next day or two.

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  3. I couldn't agree more about the red damn pants. Why, just why? I mean, you're a good lookin' guy, you don't need red pants to get attention. Same with the blue Lululemon capris that Nick wore... just staaahp.
    Even IF I'd liked Nick before this, that whole bang and tell stuff is beyond bad taste. What a jerk. If I lived in Chicago and saw him in a bar, I'd slap him just for that.
    Hope your mom is still doing well, sending her good wishes!

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  4. I need help, fans! Did I miss who the next bachelor is? Both last week's and this week's episodes were such snoozefests that I talked through most of them with whoever was on the couch with me, my dog included. They had that "unstaged" question from a contestant, but I don't recall it being answered, despite Chris saying it'll be revealed "later." Jerk. Thanks, y'all!

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  6. Nick is a putz, I'm glad I don't have to see him ho-humming, shy-eyeing like a 3 year old, and generally acting like a cocky dick on my television. His ego was dick-slapped and he's just trying to rain on Josh and Andi's happiness. I'm sure he is all smug today thinking I sure showed them when in actuality all he did was show what a creeper his is. He'll probably be single for a long time after that fiasco last night.

    On a personal note: Thank you for posting your recap blogs Jen, prayers to you and your mother.

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  7. Totally agree Nick is a creeper, it's hard to pull off serial killer while simultaneously pulling off shy little boy. Well done Nick! Totally happy he called her out, even if it was just for revenge, gives it the exact soap opera flare that this show calls for. So true about her being dead to you....as soon as her nostrils flare at you...it's over.

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  8. Nick dresses like a toddler.

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  9. Jen, Prayers to you and your mom. Thanks for posting - you make my day every time I read.

    "Andi mad" reminds me of Arie making fun of "Doug mad". Holy wow, Chris H had to totally intervene in that intervene before Andi lost it and opened a cap of whoop-a#s on him (I'm sure you'll get the reference)

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  10. Nick is lucky she didn't have a cocktail, cause that drink would have been in his face. I mean Nick, you might have questions for Andi, but if she is ignoring you, then she doesn't have the answers you want. And did he really think she was in an exclusive relationship with him? She wasn't allowed to say her feelings, and I have a pretty large suspicion that she doesn't actually get to pick who she takes out on dates. I am sure they ask her who she wants to see, but then the show manipulates how it all goes down. Puppet masters, they are.

    Anyways, you are right Jen, he was more humiliated than upset about loosing her. I am pretty sure he loved the idea of her, and not actually her. Because I can tell you this - after watching way too many weeks of her, I still can't tell if she is cool enough to grab a drink with.

    I actually thought Josh wasn't so bad for her, although I still hate the dumb accent he gets when he is trying to "woo" her.

    Regarding the next Bachelor - I heard they are still trying to figure out if it will be Chris or Arie from a few seasons ago. I vote Chris. And I think they should make the girls go farm related obstacles. The Bachelor meets Survivor meets Green Acres.

    P.S. Did anyone notice how Smitty was trying to play it off that her coming to his room wasn't a bad thing? He is so funny.

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  11. And can you believe Clare stumbling all over herself answering Chris about whether she thought Nick was about to get dumped? I thought that was so funny, PUH-LEASE, the writing was all over the wall. I guess she was worried that she would get jumped all over by admitting she had read the spoilers on Reality Steve and Bachelor Nation would ex-communicate her!

    Thank you Jen for your blog this season which must have been very hard to do what with your Mom battling colon cancer and all. Your recaps would truly be missed if you stopped doing them! Best to both of you.

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  12. Pube-head plays the slut card, KA-BLAM!!

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  13. Hi Jen -

    Wow…Nick totally dwells in the land of self-humiliation (hope it was scripted) as such a shameless display of self-pity does not bode well for any of life’s future disappointments for this dude – almost as bad as someone who ends up disappointing Andi, which Josh will become aware of all too soon. Hint, watch out for the quick short nods, pursed lips, pouty face…

    And in a classic role-reversal, Nick goes on to reveal how ‘used’ he felt after what went on in the fantasy suite…shocking! I am sure Josh feels better hearing about all this too…

    Really, the guy should have shown some class – and if he really ‘loved’ her – accepted her turndown like a man, wished her well, and left her with a pleasant “it might have been” rather than a creepy “what was I thinking…” thought to close their relationship on.

    What an egocentric dork. Hope he shows up at the wedding to continue pleading his case! Perhaps she did string him along – for the sake of our viewing or her fantasy suite pleasure – but even so, suck it up dude! If she is not into you, move along…As Don Corelone once said ”YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!” Or get writers who can script this crapola to be a bit more believable…

    And as for the overly tight suits, salmon pants, skinny ties, hoodies and scarves – one thing that I learned from my galpal’s realtime fashion critiques is that there is a fine line between an outfit and a getup…

    So looking forward to BIP’s trip ‘once more into in the gutter dear friends, once more‘ and your write-up to dull the pain of these trashtastic shows!

    P.S. – Let me say that after another Bachelorette season total devoid of profound on-air moments, I (and I am sure the rest of your online peeps) hope that your mother is doing well!

    John (the Token Male)

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  14. Nick is from a family of 11 children. Big families like this typically have traditional values and/or are religious. I'm pretty confident he probably hasn't had sex with very many women, and it could very well be something he takes very seriously. I hated Nick all season, but Andi is a jerk. You don't sleep with someone who is in love unless you reciprocate those feelings. Also, if she really was in love with Josh during the fantasy suites, she shouldn't have slept with Nick. I don't agree with slut shaming but Nick is probably extremely hurt because he slept with her. Poor guy.

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  15. Well said as usual. Thanks for another season of laughs. I'm praying for your mom.

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  16. Well I was tired of idiots and immature people and this season delivered pretty normal folks, which is why it was "sofa king" boring, as our 11-year old might say as a loophole to actually swearing.

    Nick was really wearing on my nerves, especially by saying "like" more often than a 15-year old valley girl from 1984. Good lord dude you are 33 years old time to grow up!

    Andi must not have figured out how her life would be spent over analyzing everything until after the fantasy suite. How the hell she got naked with him I will never understand. Maybe you ladies can help me out with that one.

    The real question I have is since he has pubes for hair and is a proven dickhead did he ejaculate out the top of his head?

    Like a shampoo dispenser?

    Hey - the rule on Jen's blog is if it pops in your head you have to share it - so I'm dragging y'all down with me. Here's to some more hormone-raging herpes-spreading immature idiot behavior on BIP!

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  17. I wanted to crawl under my couch when Nick was talking. I'm sure I would have seen you there.
    Wow!

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  18. OMG the minion nails comments was the best!!! I laugh my ass off!! You're the best!! Also, I agree with u on every comment about the finale and after the final rose. Can't wait to read your recaps on sluts in paradise!!! 😁😁😁

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  19. I feel pity for Nick. I think the producers took advantage of him. He seems like a normal guy that didn't go on this show to become a fame whore. He was played, by Andi, and the producers.

    I pity that he lacked the common sense, and maturity to be able to determine real from fake.

    That being said, I think Andi was a bitch to have led him on. She wanted to do all of the rejecting. If she had refused sex, he probably would have got a clue, and left early.

    Someone is a always a victim of editing, and producer manipulation on this show. If contestants have watched the show, they *should* know what they are signing up for.

    There is an important life lesson in this: don't go on a reality dating show unless you have a life coach, hair, clothing, make-up consultant & PR person. Also crucial to have the ability to be almost as good on air as Vanna White, any reporter from E!News, and other random programs that feature "reality star" TV personalities.

    I'm mostly a lurker, and sometimes comment, but always enjoy your blog. I'm sending good thoughts out to the universe for your mom.

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  20. Your random comments make me laugh out loud!

    Also, I need sister Rachel to STOP playing with her goddamn hair.

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  21. Love the blog as always and also had same thoughts about bacteria-ridden lagoon. Ack. Nick: wimpy, unattractive, can't speak. How Andi kept saying he was "a REAL man" and they were so "passionate" is beyond me. Josh: hot, hot, hot, teeth almost too perfect though, borderline horse-ish? Josh speaks with a weird cadence though, right?! It kind of made me question his authenticity but I think he really loves Andi. He seems pretty simple and this may work for them. Their families all sort of look alike with the dark hair and eyebrows. Aesthetically, it works! ;) See ya in BIP! :)

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  22. If Andy had just chosen to talk to Nick before the live show, he probably wouldn't have said anything like that. His family, and he warned her the whole season that he takes break ups bad, so it is not like they weren't given fair warning.

    I just think it is very interesting that she blew up at JP Blow last season for taking it too far, basically saying you are here by default and i just wanted to sleep with you, but when she did it to Nick, she was pissed that he would dare to mention it.

    I liked Andi all season, and i Do think that Josh is the better fit for her, but COME ON! give the guy a break. that was totally producer manipulation 95% of the way.

    She could have answered him in private, but she refused, so Live show it is!.

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  23. The truth is ... I haven't watched a single episode of this season. But I HAVE read your blog, Jen. I couldn't stand Andi after she used her final date with Juan Pablo as an audition. It took her a whole season of flying all over the globe to come to the conclusion that he was a dickwad - and that he needed to be told off with as much gusto as she could muster for the producers.

    At any rate, I suppose that's why I'm glad Nick managed to publicly lob such a big grenade at her at the end. Besides, when Claire went off on Juan Pablo at the final rose ceremony, we cheered her on. Andi's as big a dick as Juan Pablo was. Turn about is fair play, no?

    Sending good thoughts to you and your mom.

    John (another one)

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  24. Andi had sex with Nick because she was test driving the goods before committing her life (or until People stops printing articles about her, whichever comes first) to them. And tho her feelings for him may have been strong, I'm sure she didn't think he'd interpret the sex as non-verbal confirmation that she was picking him or that he'd get so clingy afterwards. Him bringing up the sex on TV was a dick move that I think was calculated to either get back at Josh for "winning" and/or make Nick look more like the heartbroken romantic. Just fading away like every other runner-up won't keep him in the public eye as long or lead to the next TV gig.

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  25. I played a drinking game where I did a shot every time Andi said "like." I was in the ER getting my stomach pumped by 7:06.

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  26. Hy looks like an ass. Total opposite from whatshisface's dad (you know, blond born again virgin with the "grown sexy" wedding) who made me cry in two separate seasons of this aweful franchise.

    Also, this season made me wonder if the show provides wardrobe to the contestants. I mean, how many men in the real world have red pants, brightly colored checkered shirts, and an array of scarves to get that perfect pattern, color and texture contrast? Not to mention primary colored shoes. They reserved their Kindercare Collection mostly for Nick, however.

    Sean! That's his name!

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  27. The ONLY reason I watch this show is to read your blog and laugh. I'm sure I'm not alone. And I SOOO happy to hear you'll be blogging about Single People Get VD On The Beach. So much fun! Monday, here we come!

    Hugs to mama :)

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  28. @Audra
    I happen to live in Chicago, so I will keep an eye on Nick hoping he will venture to the Bim Bom Bar on the Northwest Side. The House Specialty: Mad Dog; a double shot should permanently freeze all his TV longings(ET interview tonight revealed that he would not mind to become the next Bachelor.) He needs to guard his heart after all. Long live Andi and Josh.

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  29. A bachelorette/bachelor have no business sleeping with anybody if they KNOW beforehand that this person is gonna be dumped anyway.

    Nick is an asshole for announcing to the public that they fucked but Andi led him on big time.

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  30. I applaud Nick for outing Andi. If she was so in love with Josh the whole time, why did she even sleep with Nick? It was disrespectful to both guys.

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  31. Nick was a jerk from the first episode to the last. Can not believe anyone thought he was sincere about anything but wanting to "get even" with her for daring to not choose him!

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  32. Do Nick's comments mean that he only has sex with women he is in love with?

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  33. Do Nick's comments mean he doesn't have sex with anyone unless he's in love with them?

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  34. And I is a Slur!
    What is this Spring Break?
    She doesn't know what love is!
    This show is a joke!
    Go to the local bar Andi and go slumming ;)

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  35. Maybe Andi was in love with Nick, but after spending the night with him in the fantasy suite she found out he was a lousy lover and couldn't face living with THAT the rest of her life!

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  36. Look I'm sorry but when has a guy EVER complained to a woman for having sex with him??

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  37. Look I'm sorry but when has a guy EVER complained to a woman for having sex with him??

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  38. Since Andi did think sleeping with Nick was the thing to do, why was she so pissed when he mentioned it?!

    She was a major bitch to him when she came on stage and if she had exhibited the least bit of compassion and caring towards someone she professed as so sexy, romantic, hot (repeatedly!), he might have felt a bit more respect for her. Respect goes both ways.

    How can Josh (the doofus) continue to claim he isn't bothered by his darling Andi sexing with Nick!? He is a very simple Simon, in my opinion. She will tromp all over him and he will see that miserable face of hers every time he challenges her in any way! Poor sap.

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