Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Everyone's eggs are in everyone's baskets

These two nights better deliver on all this drama – these previews are bananas! Bring it on, you hopeless crazy people. Also, sorry this is so late. Busy day…and I still have to watch tonight’s show!

Robert/Sarah Date 

We start the show with Robert asking Sarah out on a date, which sets Michelle off. She’s crying, pissed and oh so lonely. She’s hot and normal-ish, but she’s all, “EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE. I WANT SOMEONE!” and I don’t dig it. It’s ok to be lonely and want a husband – don’t just say it out loud, so passionately and crazy-like.

They hardly show anything from this date, probably because these people are too normal, so it’s boring. Sarah does comment on how safe Robert makes her feel while swimming in the ocean. However, from what I know, he’s not a certified lifeguard so I don’t follow this logic.


Cody does zero for me, sexually. I mean, zero. He seems super sweet and clearly makes physical fitness a priority but I have no interest in him rubbing up on me naked. Clare feels the same as I do…She’s tempted to love on him but only because he seems to be a much more secure option than wild card Zack.

Anyway, he asks Clare out on a date and she tells him she’s going to give it a try with Zack, so no, she can’t go out with Cody (this actually takes about 35 minutes of airtime but I compressed it here to one sentence because you people really don’t need the shitty play-by-play.) Clare asks Zack about it and he’s all, “I like you and all but whatevs.” Basically, Zack likes her but not a lot. He’s not willing to say that he’s 100 percent committed to her forever. Clare is emotionally needy so unless he’s all “I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO MARRY YOU,” she’ll be bummed. This is not a great match. Also, there is a lot of talk about eggs in baskets, which I can only assume is code for penises in vaginas.

Marcus/Lacy Date 

Cody decides not to go on his date, since it would be tacky to invite someone as sloppy seconds. Umm, this show is all ABOUT sloppy seconds, pluuuuease. Marcus and Lacy go out instead, loving each other and being needy and gross. Also, that’s an annoying loveseat to eat dinner on. You have to lean way over to put food in your mouth?

They chat about how much they love each other’s features and how she will never get scared off. It’s nice they like each other, but they are going to have a serious reality check when they get home and Lacy asks him to fill her car up with gas and normal shit like that. How can you go from an all-expenses paid vacation in a tropical hotel that resembles a sombrero, to living in a shitty condo with cats in Akron? No offense to Akron. Total offense to cats.


Kalon does LESS for me sexually than Cody. Yes, he’s a total dirtbag, but just physically he scares me. Why do his lips look like he’s had injections? Why is he so blotchy? Admittedly, his major asshole-ness helps his unattractiveness.

He asks Michelle out on a date who says yes, for reasons I can’t explain. Maybe she wants someone to motorboat the shit out of her boobs, because he makes it clear that’s one of his strengths. The next morning she decides there is no reason to go out with him so she tells him she changes her mind. He then asks Jackie who oddly says no because it wouldn’t be beneficial. Say what? Sarah then says no, just because…no. He decides to go on the date by himself, which is amazing. Of course, he thinks he’s SO funny to make out with himself and have conversations with himself and I hate him that much more. Also, I bet he makes high-pitched squeals when he has orgasms.

"This is probably what I look like having an orgasm!!!! AHHHH!!"

Jesse Kovacs/Jackie Date 

This guy sucks too. What’s with all the assholes? I guess if they were all normal and nice, there wouldn’t be good drama. He asks Jackie out on a date. Marquel sad. They head to Rio Secreto…said with a full American accent. Not pronounced secret-oh, but secreeeet – oh. As in…underpant secretion. It’s like a big joke on all of us now.

Jesse makes it clear to everyone but her that he’s out with Jackie because it is his only option for getting a rose this week. Is this chick that dumb too? Truly, how is it possible Clare remains the smartest one in the bunch? I think being on this show would be like hanging out in the Southwest terminal. You’re automatically the smartest and prettiest one there simply by comparison.

AshLEE/Zack/Clare Drama Central 

This could truly take pages to recap correctly, so I’m going to sum this up for you as quickly as possible. AshLEE, who is just extremely cunty in this whole deal, chats with Zack and doesn’t think she’s on camera. She tells him to see other chicks and be careful of Clare because she likes to fuck in the ocean. I am first confused why this is a negative? Having sex in the ocean is difficult and uncomfortable at best, so maybe Clare should be getting high fives for having the stamina and muscle to do it. Why warn him against it?

Once AshLEE realizes that conversation was on camera, she panics. She runs around the house telling everyone what she said, which also seems counterproductive when trying to hide your shitty actions. Bottom line – she’s a shitty ass, bitchy bitch girl. A girl who downright sucks. Lacy tells Clare everything and we see Clare then grab two knives, simply preparing a salad or something, but hey it looks kind of threatening.

AshLEE Cunty tries to apologize to Clare who wants no part of it. Good for you, Clare. Fuck that psycho. Oh MY, that was quite strong. And no, cunty, Clare does NOT want to hug it out, bitch pants. Back off.

Cocktail Party 

Soooo, Cody has apparently decided in the last 7 hours that he no longer likes Clare but is interested in Michelle. This show is seriously about being with the other single person in the room. That’s it. Anyway, he tells Michelle he wants to get to know her, he kisses her, etc. Michelle comments that ever since she’s been there, she’s felt like a plan B…or C. Even D sometimes, but she’s never been a Plan A. And then Cody came in and swept her off her feet. Ummm, swept you off your feet AFTER being denied by Clare, thereby cementing your Plan B status? Theeeeen YES, that is correct.

Michelle tells Graham what happened two days earlier with AshLEE and it’s funny he has no idea. What is he doing all day while all this drama is going down? He seems pretty bummed out he just found out he’s dating a whore bitch monster.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week:

-Lacy gives hers to Marcus
-Clare gives hers to Zack
-AshLEE bitch tries to gives hers to Graham….who oddly walks away. And then? TO. BE. CONTINUED. Those bastards! So onto tonights show…


  1. Yeah, AshLee is one of the most deluded people I've ever seen on television. She seems to have no clue how two-faced/fake she comes across. I'm not a mental health professional, but she really looks like someone who needs some intense long-term therapy.

  2. Why do they keep re-cycling these douchebags!!!! Geeze

  3. Why do they keep re-cycling these douchebags!!??? Geezzzeeee!

  4. I generally like watching Michelle Money, but her 'poor me' constant whining is really too much. She's not that old (what, 33?); she's attractive; and she doesn't appear to have a personality disorder-- as opposed to, say, AshLee (not a mystery why that one is single). Maybe Michelle needs to look outside Salt Lake City for relationships? If any of these people want a real relationship, they are looking in the wrong place. This is a 3-week vacation with bonus hook-ups that millions of viewers now know about too. Eeww.

  5. If AshLee weren't so beautiful, maybe she would have been forced to develop a decent personality and at least hide he psycho tendencies a bit. Great recap, thanks.

  6. I adore this show. I wish they would continue this train wreck by bringing on anyone who has every been on the show(s) and and then when they run out of people, just recycle. Think of the endless combinations!

  7. Oh Anonymous at 1:19 that is a terrible idea - are you trying to kill me? I sentence you to becoming a cast member on this show!!

    Fish Lips (Kalon) - just go fuck off and die already - what a waste of oxygen - we all know you have a trust fund - congratulations - how about doing some good with it douchewipe?

    Dear producers: stop giving these worthless fuckballs attention if you want me to keep watching this shit

    Ok maybe the silver lining is other future dickheads might watch this crap and learn how NOT to behave!!

  8. kalon looks like american psycho
    I would like michelle for bachette but shes back on with cody and maybe has too big of implants