Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise – Should I watch or not? I’m 80/40.

I bet this entire series is a set-up social experiment…for US, the viewers, to see just how shitty a show can be and still draw in millions of viewers. Like me. Because I tell ya people, I was SUCKED into this shit.

First of all, what a fucking fuck fest. My god. Second, what a T and A fest. My god. Lastly, what a showcase of somewhat-hot, stupid people. My. God.


Herpes-Dise Cast

Clare, 33, Juan Pablo’s Season 
My initial notes on Clare said “Skank-o-Rama”. However, after watching this show, she is not only one of the more normal ones, but one of the smartest. As a friend said, when Clare is the intellectual anchor of the group, we're in trouble. Clare tells Chris Harrison that she “has been focusing on getting back to being Clare.” Ohhh maybe not the best idea. Maybe we should’ve worked on NOT being so Clare? Juuuust kidding.

Marcus, 25, Andi’s Season 
He just came off a tough breakup, but “hopefully this will help”. By tonight, you’ll be deep inside three chicks, so YEAH, at least you’ll be distracted.

Sarah, 27, Sean’s Season 
 “I was insecure about having one arm, but now I’m not.” She adds, “As a matter of fact, I own this shit. I will beat your stupid ass over the head with my stump if you fuck with me. DEAL with it.” And you know what? She ain’t lying. She showed a considerable amount of sass this episode.

Marquel, 27, Andi’s Season 
“His outfit was on point”, said someone. Ummm NO, no it was not. He looked like a rodeo clown. Suspenders in Mexico? OK?

Daniella, 25, Sean’s Season 
Who?

Graham, 35, Deanna’s Season 
At 35 years old, he’s like the Betty White of this show. Can he get older? Yes, I recognize I’m 39 and most of my friends are saying, “I can’t believe they think he’s old at 35.” For this franchise, he is old as fuck. And he’s been on these shows for a goddamn decade, my god. Also, he’s totally normal, kind, sweet and hot. How is he still single?

Lacy, Juan Pablo’s Season 
Calling her boobs “big” is like saying Acapulco is “kind of” dangerous. Her boobs are friggin ginormous. And they’re real, I think, cause they’re kind of bouncy.

 No comment.

Ben, 30, Desiree’s Season 
He was a total douche bag on Desiree’s season, but he had about six lines this entire episode.

Michelle K, 30, Jake’s Season 
This chick is not only the craziest thing to see this franchise in awhile, but she is CREEPY. I don’t want to write anything mean about her, actually. She’ll find me. So yes, Michelle K is beautiful and so sweet.

Robert, 31, Desiree Season 
No clue.

Dylan, 26, Andi’s Season 
He looks way better with the short hair, but there’s still something not quite right. Like he MIGHT beat you up if you interrupt his football game?

Elise, 28, Juan Pablo’s Season 
TAKE OFF YOUR GODDAMN SHOES. I mean, my God.

AshLEE, 33, Sean’s Season 
She is not only completely psycho but she has NO qualms in readily showing it. She truly has no idea why it’s psycho to say, “I had already planned for us to run off into the sunset together” after meeting someone 18 hours prior.

Harrison then explains to the gang that this week, there is one more girl than guy. So each guy gets a rose at the end of the week to give out. The girl left without a rose, goes home. Oh and just for kicks, there are some date cards given to the girls this week, and that girl decides which guy goes with her on the date. Oh and next week, it switches and the girls hand out roses. That’s right, I just spent a paragraph explaining the rules.

They head to their vacation house/hotel and it’s open and fun, but also very….MEXICAN. It’s like a giant decorated sombrero in there.

Sarah comments that, “Lacy is comin’ in hot”, and I have to say its on-point. Lacy is used to those tatas getting her some attention and she will make SURE she walks away from this Herpes-dise with more than just a sexually transmitted disease. She is ON IT, people. She immediately attacks Marcus, then Robert. When both of those guys go out on dates at the same time, she completely freaks out. “I don’t know how to function longer than three minutes without a man fondling my breasts!!! HELP!”

Dylan and Elise head to the ocean where I want to run up to them and take their glasses away from them. People! That shit will shatter in your fucking face. Be responsible! My goodness, are we 22 here?


Clare Date 

Clare picks Graham for the first date – a date in the ruins, puke. Graham is the only one who would ACTUALLY appreciate it, so good choice. However, AshLEE freaks the fuck out. This chick is dangerous crazy. I mean, we’re talking less than 24 hours of knowing him and she is CRYING, saying under her breath, “He couldn’t be loyal for 24 hours. And he’s not here for me obviously.” I mean, bitch! You crazy! No, he’s not there for you. He’s here, like the other guys, to look at Lacy’s tits. Get over it.

Clare talks to the raccoon, who convinces her to take Robert instead. Also can I just say how fucking stupid the bachelor producers are? She’s talking to someone and they edit it to make it look like she’s talking to the raccoon, just to make her look like an asshole. I mean, it’s great, don’t get me wrong, but give me a break.

So yes, she decides to bow to the crazy bitch and takes Robert on the date instead. Ummm, how pissed is Graham? And how awesome does Robert feel, Mr. Sloppy Seconds?

So Clare is fun and normal-ish here, minus the whole “vista” debacle of course. They claim this is “amazing”. Ummm, except for all the fucking ants biting you? No thanks. Where’s the yacht date please? Culture shit is dirty.


Sarah Date 

Sarah takes Marcus on her date, which is aiming high, so I’ll give her that. They head to a cavern thing with a lagoon thing. They swim and she straight-up makes the first move. It’s awkward city, as she says, “I WANT to jump in, but I want to kiss you first.” He’s all…..ok?

Back at the sombrero, Michelle Money walks in the door and she also has been around the Bachelor block, but I dig her cause she’s normal. Until she complains about her old age and stretch marks and then busts out her models’ body. Lady, shut up. Also, she needs to seriously seriously chill OUT on the makeup. Good gravy.

Michelle has a date card and takes Marquel after deciding that’s her best bet of getting a rose. I mean, after realizing she’s totally into him? Whatevs.

Before they leave on the date, we see AshLEE apologize to Graham and I will tell you this: It does NOT help her crazy-case.


Michelle Date 

This date doesn’t deserve it’s own heading. I have nothing to say, except for the fact I think he’s wearing a seashell shirt and I’ve never seen a human being so uncomfortable on a horse before. Also, if she’s worried about HER body, I need to lock myself away in a box. Whoa.

Back at the hat, Lacy is in a pickle because she’s already promised her vagine to both Robert and Marcus. So who to choose for her date? She’s 80/40. Makes total sense because she’s 80 to one guy, 40 to the other, which puts her 20 over. That’s for her boobs. I know that makes no sense, sorry.


Lacy Date 

The 80 minus 20 wins and she takes Robert (?). What the hell is her hair doing? It’s like a fat old bun. Like her big boob on her head.


Rose Ceremony/Cocktail Party 

Two girls are going to go home, because now that Michelle Money is there, there are two more girls than guys. Crazy Michelle K. interrupts the rose ceremony to leave because she knows damn well she ain’t getting a rose. Then the guys give out roses:

-Marquel gives it to Michelle, who looks like Marie Antoinette.
-Graham gives it to AshLEE because as Sarah so perfectly describes, “If he doesn’t give it to her, he’ll get his balls chopped off.” Damn straight.
-Dylan gives it to Elise, who claims she already loves Dylan. WHY WHY WHY so much crazy? -Marcus gives it to Lacy, in a move to show her that he wants her vagine STAT.
-Robert gives it to Clare because quite frankly, Lacy already has a rose.
-Ben gives it to Sarah. Not sure why? Because Daniella was option B and nobody knows who she is.

So next week looks good because apparently crazy Michelle K. was hooking up with the son of the hotel owner. I made that up. But it looks a little dramatic, so that’s fun. See you then, peeps.

15 comments:

  1. This recap was so snarky -> LOVED it! Thanks, Jen.

    Also love Sarah- she's point on. did you ever read her recaps (of the season after she was on)? She's really ballsy and has bad language, like YOU (haha):-)

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  2. Love this blog!!! AshLEE is straight up crazy. Did you hear her talking to herself under her breath? I was like, "who is she talking to?!"

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  3. I freaking love reading your blogs, makes me laugh out loud and I so need that everyday!

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  4. I freaking LOVE reading your blogs, makes me laugh out loud!

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  5. Cynical New YorkerAugust 6, 2014 at 6:49 AM

    I just gotta say, WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THE HAIR AND MAKEUP ON MOST OF THOSE CHICKS??? Themes:
    -Really fried hair in need of an appointment with the colorist (Danielle, Lacy, Elise)
    -Really weirdly styled hair (Lacy's basket bun and Michelle's Rapunzel wet rat weave)
    -Whorish/Japanese teenager-doll mascara (AshLEEEEEEEE was the worst offender but there were others)

    The only ones who looked clean and naturally pretty to me were Sarah and Clare.

    Other observations:
    -I really thought Danielle and Elise were the same person for most of the episode.
    -AshHEAP is some serious cray-cray-crazypants. Honey, please stop going on these shows and invest in a good therapist. For real. Also, she looks like she lost too much weight; her face looked drawn and meth-y to me.
    -Marcus is also in need of therapy. Can you imagine him and AshMEEEE as a couple? I think it just might work.

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  6. I instantly remembered Daniella because on her season she looked exactly like Ke$ha. Complete with the stringy hair and bruises. And she was drunk all the time. She looked much better on this show. Thanks for the laugh!

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  7. I liked 80/40 comment, I had to rewind that part and watch it over... i had tears streaming down my face.
    Or, Ashlee saying she is safe because Graham (who is too old for this show) is giving her a rose.. and everyone else is out there "conversating"!
    But the best part was Claire talking to the raccoon!
    What a flat out fucking stupid show... that I can't help but watch feeling brain cells die minute by minute.

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  8. Best.Franchise.Ever. EVER. EVER!

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  9. You named Danielle "drunk Ke$ha" .... That's the only reason I remembered who she was.
    Love your blog!!

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  10. Loved your sassalicious recap!!! This show was such a mess, I had difficulty justifying watching it. I say let's keep watching because, why not? It's a train wreck and we cannot look away. I hope you do, your recaps are beloved. This show reminds me of The Hunger Games. You've got the tributes, an arena, and a leader obsessed with roses (President Snow = Chris Harrison). And we're the audience hungry for bloodsports. Here's my own take if you're curious: http://bachcaps.blogspot.ca/

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  11. They casted the people they knew would provide them with the most drama.

    Vista and 80/40 - yup...

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  12. LOL, Daniella went to my high school and is actually the reason I started watching the Bachelor show and found your blog. She was unfortunately boring on Sean's season, and now I'm totally hooked.

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  13. I'm 20 minutes in and I already feel dumber just from watching some of these people. I feel like they picked the absolute dumbest women from past seasons, besides Sarah. And some really bleh guys. The ones from Andi's season are all fine, but Robert and the asshole dad guy? Jesus.

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  14. "-Marquel gives it to Michelle, who looks like Marie Antoinette."

    Omg, I haven't laughed this hard in a long while! While watching the show, I couldn't quite figure out what or who, Michelle's makeup and outfit reminded me of....and then you nail it!! I am rather envious of the way you are able to find the appropriate word to describe every oddity on these shows : )

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  15. You are so so funny - I have to stifle my laughing so I don't wake up my family. Thank you! Belly laughter is a rare thing for me.

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