Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise - Too much amazingness to choose from for this title. Wow.

There’s actually almost TOO much to discuss. I mean, I could write for days on this episode. I have no clue where to even start. So. Much. Grossness.

Mr. Putz 

Crazy Michelle K. left last week but apparently she started banging Mr. Putz, a NOT smart crewmember, right before they started filming. Harrison tries to talk to Michelle about the drama and she refuses, saying she doesn’t need to talk to Chris because “he’s just the host”. I mean, she has a point.

After she left the show, Mr. Putz and Michelle met up in a hotel room. A staffer knocked on the door and Mr. Putz freaked out about getting caught. It was then that he decides his best course of action is to jump off the balcony of the hotel room, breaking both his feet. I mean… there’s no commentary needed. Truly. Ok one thing: Is there just a moment of clarity you'd have, lying in a mexican hospital with ghetto bandages on both feet, after having jumped from a balcony to avoid Bachelor in Paradise cameras, where you just wonder where life steered you wrong?

Chris Butt-something–ski 

Chris B walks up and they play Jaws music, which is funny considering his dumpy pants and long torso – it’s not like Jaws, really. He has a date card and decides after five minutes in the house to ask Clare, everyone’s favorite platonic date.

He takes her to the Mexican spa where THESE hands rub her down with oil, all sexual-like.

Meanwhile, back at the sex shack, Robert is bent out of shape because fifteen minutes ago Lacy was all over his hog, but now she’s decided to marry Marcus. The girl DOES change her mind on a dime. That’s fast, even for herpes-dise.

Speaking of herpes, Elise is chatting Dylan’s ear off about how she’s a Pisces so she likes water. You can just SEE it on Dylan’s face - It’s saying: I would kill myself if forced to listen to her for the next 50 years of my life. What was I thinking? However, Elise loves to talk to the camera about how she’s so in love with Dylan, how they’re meant to be and how they connect on so many levels. Ummm, ONE. You connect on ONE level and it’s the level of your vagina.

The editing makes everyone look like bigger assholes. As soon as she’s done telling the camera how much she loves Dylan, he says that every minute he’s hanging out with Elise is one less minute to meet other chicks. He basically tells her this to her face, and she tells the camera he’s just scared…thus beginning her serious, serious delusions about him.

Back on the date, Clare thinks perhaps Chris isn’t as bad as rumored. She says he seems like a nice guy. Very un-herpes like. In about three hours, she’ll change her mind.

Marcus Date 

Marcus takes Lacy out on his date and Robert is STILL talking about it. Lacy comments that it’s not too soon to consider a future with Marcus (YES IT IS) but she’s concerned because he just got out of a relationship with Andi (NO HE DID NOT). Apparently, they discuss it and it’s all good. They make a wish on some freaky shrine of candles and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to blow them out. It’s not a birthday cake?

Back at the herpes hut, Elise is wasted and making out with gross Chris in the ocean. I hope sharks aren’t attracted to herpes like they are chum. If so, it’ll be like Jaws 5 here in a minute.

Next Morning 

Shockingly, Elise regrets her sluttiness. Continuing the delusion, she’s convinced her actions will only draw Dylan closer to her. She claims what they have is special and this is a turning point. YES. Yes, it is. Turning toward Valtrex and away from your crazy face…you nut.

She decides to tell Dylan about how busy her vagina has been, and he tells her this isn’t meant to be. She continues to think he’s just playing hard to get or something. Was I this stupid about boys in my twenties? This is amazing.

Zack from Desiree’s season is here and I have no idea who this is. I went back to my recaps of Desiree’s season and for four straight episodes, every time I mention Zack, I wrote in parenthesis (who the fuck is this?) So apparently there’s not much history. He seems cute.

Zack Date 

Zack chooses Clare for his date and they get the dreaded “culture” date of exploring the town. She claims to enjoy it though because she’s exploring her heritage. Say what? She thinks she’s 50% Mexican. I bet her mom once told her she’s half Canadian and half ‘Merican and she thought she said “Mexican” and has been running with it ever since.

She says this date is different than the other five she’s been on this week because there’s a romantic connection with him. She felt it in the ocean. Oh Clare. I get it and it’s funny but you have to know they’re going to edit you like an asshole, so just don’t say shit like that.

Back at the hotel, Elise continues to claim Dylan loves her but this is just a hurdle for their relationship. She is crazy delusional. Cray. Chris B. tells us he has nicknamed Dylan, “Fat Damon”. It’s not a bad nickname, but Dylan isn’t fat, he’s just that male-cheerleader-type of stocky. Chris B shouldn’t be bashing on other’s looks either, Freaky Long Torso Man.

Dylan Date 

Elise is frighteningly convinced Dylan will take her on his date, despite the fact he told her that he wouldn’t. He asks Sarah who annoyingly tells him she’ll think about it. That’s so annoying. She talks to Elise, I fall asleep just for a second, Sarah tells Dylan she’ll go, they go out to eat, they come home, the end. Wow that was boring.

Ben Drama 

Ben has a girlfriend back home. This chick CANNOT be smart because she just let him go on Bachelor in Paradise? Anyway, she wrote him a love note, Ben stuck it in his backpack and Marcus found it…and by “found it”, I mean, the producers gave it to him. He shows Marquel, they confront Ben, Ben admits he loves chick back home and decides to leave. What’s funny is that if any of these chicks liked him, he would’ve been on them in a heartbeat.

Michelle Money is oddly torn up about the whole thing, presumably because he took the place of another guy who would be there for the RIGHT FUCKING REASONS. I hate this show.

Cocktail Party 

I love how Chris Harrison comes in and stirs shit up: “Doesn’t that whole Ben thing remind you why dating totally sucks?” Michelle comments how she has great, open communication with Marquel. Apparently it’s over-communication. Marquel needs to shut UP.

Marquel: Hi Michelle. You look hot. Also, you drink too much.
Michelle: I do NOT. Do I? Wait, no. Wait, I do. No I do NOT.
Marquel: I actually have a list of shit I don’t like about you.
Marquel: Don’t worry, I have a list of things I like, too.
Michelle: The list of shit I hate about you starts with those fucking Napoleon Dynamite glasses. You are not cool enough to pull that off.
Marquel: Back to you. What is that shit on your forehead?
Michelle: I hate you, but I think you’re my only hope this week.

Dylan tells Elise he doesn’t like her and if she gives him a rose he won’t accept it. OK He bounces around it a little nicer than that, but the message is clear. Clear-ish. Clear enough, people. But she claims he’s sending mixed signals. Ummm, not entirely. If he’s sending mixed signals, they’re mixed between totally hating you and hating you a little.

Rose Ceremony 

Girls are giving out roses this week. Here you go:

-Lacy gives her rose and gigantic boobs to Marcus
-AshLEE gives her rose and crazy to Graham, who barely wants it
-Clare gives her rose to Zack and his connection
-Michelle oddly gives her rose to Marquel. Huh?
-Elise tries to give her rose to Dylan. As discussed, he says no. She says:

I want to thank Dylan because I am a woman. I need 100% and a man to fight for me. I thank you, Dylan. Life has ups and downs, you guys. I am like a little baboon. You guys, I will fight for my right to ocean bang. The stock market is up, the wind blows. I am just a rose, with thorns. Thank you, Dylan, peace to all, and to all a good night. Chris, do you want my rose?

Ummm NO, says Chris. But yes. Thanks?

Sarah totally pusses out and gives her rose to Robert instead of Dylan, who I think she liked? Probably doesn’t want to piss off Elise. Also, let’s be honest, Sarah and Dylan didn’t stand a chance. So if one or two people get voted off each week, and one or two new people come each week, then this shit could hypothetically go on forever? That would be AMAAAAAZING.


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  2. Cynical New YorkerAugust 12, 2014 at 4:51 PM

    Haaa. I loved this recap. I can't believe I'm watching this show. At least I know I'm a college graduate with a good job and I never banged a stranger in the ocean.

    Also: Why does Lacy always look so grimy?

  3. I really just wanted to take Elise aside and be like, "No, this is not some mind game. He's telling you in pretty plain english what he's feeling, and it's not you." Except that then he went and boned things up for himself by getting mad that she did exactly what he just told her to do. I'm sure he was just pretending to be upset because it gave him a really good excuse to end it, but acting like he gave a shit is probably why she was confused.

    Side note, every time Lacey smiles or they show Chris' face at all, I feel like I might actually be sick.

  4. Best Part of the whole episode was definitely the cheesy reinactment about Mr. Putz....I laughed so hard.

    and...Is it just me or does creepy Chris Bukowski look exactly like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets?!? LOL

  5. Oh Jen I love your recap each week. The show is so bad that your recaps are even more enthusiastic. I think I am watching the show just to be "in" on your jokes.

    The reenactment scenes should be shown on regular Bach/Bach'ette - it as nice to see everyone not taking themselves so seriously.

    For some strange reason, I think Clare is thriving in this environment. She is the most popular girl for the date cards, you can see she is playing to the cameras (not taking herself seriously) and RELATIVELY comes off better than the other gals. Or maybe she is just the best of the worst?? Either way, she is way more enjoyable than on JP's season.

    Love you Jen! emm

  6. Jen - as usual, a stellar write-up for this 'show'.

    Taking a hint from Nick, Smarmison spends an excessive amount of time trying to slut-shame Michelle K. and her Putz. Seemed excessive to me, and does not bode well for the quality of the rest of the show if they need this much vapid filler. Cue the 'reenactment'...

    To me, the whole show's premise seems to mimic a real-time version of online dating, where folks kind of pair off, but always have lots more 'profiles' to choose from, so why the heck not, especially if they can get away with it...except for those pesky cameras and microphones, and the fact that last night's 'date' is about 20 feet away at all times.

    And I think you credit Dylan with too much intelligence for making his face as though he might be "forced to listen to her for the next 50 years of my life". I think he is too dumb to fake interest long enough to stay on the show another week. And in the real world, if he can't provide an understanding smile and just listen on occasion while his girlfriend vents, he won't be able to last with any woman.

    Some poor kid on the beach is crying about Ben kicking sand in his face and walking off with his turtle backpack. I think the upper age limit for that is about 11 and even then I would not want to get on the school bus with that thing humping my back.

    As a guy, I find the dates they set up to be just plain boring and totally lacking in romance. All the rum in the Caribbean can't help these dopes. The average kid on spring break has way more fun...vistas or no...

    And as far as any guy who would be there for the RIGHT REASONS? As Vizzini said in "The Princess Bride": "As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable.

    Ah the price you pay for 15 minutes more 'fame'…


  7. First off I watch BIP for the way over the top emotions of these 'kids' having just met a minute ago. Really, this is not reality...hehe. Send these folks on a real date, like to Home Depot, that's reality. Not sayin my sig oth doesn't try to seduce me with a Fishamajig and Fribble every now and then, but come on if these contestants(?) weren't so intellectually incompetent wouldn't they have met their match by now? LOL!

  8. OMG...I'm still laughing from the Mexican / 'Merican comment.......hahahahahahaha!!!!! Love it and your recaps. I'm literally watching this show for your recaps. Keep them coming!!!

  9. I had the same take on Clare as one of the Anonymous' - didn't care for her on Juan P's season but I kind of like her here. She's so much more relaxed here. Funny when Michelle M called her "Clare Bear."

  10. Dylan was a total ass this show. I TOTALLY agree about the look on his face when Elise starts talking about her sign and I don't blame him for feeling pinned down so soon. You just KNOW Elise is a clinger. But Dylan told her to meet other people because he wanted to mess around with other chicks. When she got on Chris, he got jealous and didn't want to lose the desperate puppy dog he could always count on giving him a rose. When he gave her that line about a kiss meaning more to him than it does to her, I almost threw my remote at him. Like he's never kissed someone he didn't have intense emotional feelings for. Shut up. Elise didn't do anything wrong (gross, but not wrong). I can't believe she cheapened herself enough to offer him a rose after he TOLD her he wouldn't accept it! But I'm glad his actions led to him leaving. If he hadn't been jealous at Elise for doing what he wanted to do and told her to do, he'd still be on a pretty damn sweet free Mexican vacation.

  11. Am I the only one who is embarrassed for Clare? She's cute and perky, but she screams desperation. She's overly giggly over every date and is into guys much too soon, and then ends up dumped. So, you're right, everyone's favorite platonic date.

    You're so right-on with Marquel's glasses. For once, a black guy isn't cool enough to pull off a look and it's pretty hard for a good-looking black guy to not look cool.

    Can someone in the Executive offices at the network tell producers to stop encouraging Chris B? Please! He's such a dick. I think he thinks he's an A-lister, especially among cast alumni. He's not. No one likes him!

    Elise's speech? Amazing. I took a few notes for the next time I need to address a small crowd.

  12. Not much to say after Jen nails it yet again

    Did I see 9 producer credits? That many people really want to take credit for this manipulative voyeuristic exploitation?

    I blame Jen the Duck - she is, after all the only reason most of us watch this crap.

  13. I hate to admit it, but I am totally in love with this show for the right reasons. I've never seen this much "crazy" in such a short time. I took me almost 2 hours to watch since I kept rewinding to laugh. Love your recap as always and I can't wait for the next installment of this trainwreck!