Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Black box = definitely a penis hider

Jimmy Kimmel needs to be there every week. Those are the questions I would ask if I got to be there too… wait – I need to be there every week! How fun would that be?

Kimmel tells the ladies he’s going to help Chris by making love to each of them. I mean, was I meant to marry Jimmy Kimmel? He then introduces the “amazing” jar – you have to put $1 into it every time you say amazing. The amazing bell ringing throughout the show was definitely a highlight. The show seems to be making more fun of itself this season – it’s about fucking time.


Kaitlyn Date 

They head to Costco – an amazing date. For real, I love that Kimmel is like, “This is what real people do on dates.” Sort of true – I appreciate the sentiment anyway. They shop around and Chris says that Kaitlyn is a good sport. Well, yeah, she’s on a job interview, basically. What if she was walking around all pissy pants, like, “This date sucks. Where’s my helicopter and rented jewelry?”

They head back to Chris’ guest garage and barbecue meat with Jimmy Kimmel. He asks Kaitlyn if she’ll be mad at Chris for banging two other girls in the fantasy suite. She says, “No, you can’t buy a car without test driving it.” To which Kimmel looks at Chris and says, “I mean, it’s not going to get better than this.” Too bad she’s full of shit. Also, it’s driving me nuts that I can’t tell if I love or hate her. She’s a potty mouth and a smart ass, so I can get behind that. But she’s mildly annoying and never acts serious, so maybe that’s lame? I hate it when I can’t pin these bitches down.

Chris gives Kaitlyn the rose, and then they make out in the hot tub, again with Kimmel. I seriously love this. I wish he was there all the time.


Group Date 

The group date is for Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly.

Kimmel says he planned this date because it’s important to see how these people would work out when on a farm. It’s a great point and a great idea…so then, the only helpful thing would be if this date was ACTUALLY like working on a farm. When will Chris’ wife be forced to shuck corn in a speed round?

Jillian, her overly ripped body and her steroids are thrilled for any kind of physical competition. I really don’t get this type of bodybuilding – she looks insane. That is not attractive. And her hairy ass and penis is sticking out of her shorts so the producers are forced to black box that shit the entire episode. Me don’t understand. Is she too busy working out to Nair that shit off?

Anyway, the girls speed shuck the corn, steal a chicken fetus, milk a goat, chug it down, shovel some shit and wrestle a pig. Jillian dominates, mostly because there was no drug testing before the event. But Cruise Ship Carly hangs on. Kelsey hangs on for awhile too but gags trying to drink the goat sperm. Amber comments that the milk was warm and salty – “Not stuff I like in my mouth.” It’s not a coincidence she get eliminated this episode. Also, this explains why Jillian is so successful. Doesn’t she just look like the type of “girl” who can gobble down ejaculate without an issue? WOW that was graphic.

Carly wins, and it looks like her prize is taking a photo with Chris? So that’s bullshit.


After Party 

Carly pulls Chris aside and explains that he’s a man and she’s a woman, so that means she should kiss him. I don’t follow the logic, but hey, I appreciate her balls.

Amber asks him to slow dance, which is a horrid idea. She makes it even more horrid by saying, ”Let’s pretend it’s our wedding.” I know at this moment she doesn’t stand a chance. LADIES – No man enjoys role-playing his wedding…within the first week of meeting you, and he certainly doesn’t like being exposed to your desperation. STOP.

Mackenzie…she’s seriously 12. I can’t even believe what a child she is. She is absolutely floored when she realizes Chris has been (gasp!) KISSING other girls. So she asks him why he’s doing that. He’s so dumbfounded by the stupid question, he fumbles…then recovers and says, “Because I’m the fucking Bachelor. And I want to. And I’m a nice farm boy, but don’t let that fool you. I’m kind of a man whore.” Well, he paraphrases that, but you get it.

Who is Becca? Where did she come from? She’s cute…and normal-sounding. She refuses to kiss Chris, which is interesting. In about three episodes, he’ll dump her because he’ll claim he can’t get to know her unless she “lets him in.” But for now, I like her. Chris does too – and gives her the rose. Or he thinks it’ll make him look less smarmy to give the rose to the one girl he doesn’t molest.


Whitney Date 

I’m sorry, but this nice girl’s voice is a fucking deal breaker. She seems kind, nice, normal, sweet, only a smidge desperate…but that voice. Ugh.

They head to some winery where they chat over wine. Chris remarks that it’s attractive to him when a girl walks into a bar and makes friends with strangers. Some call that a whore, no? Oh, I’m kidding.

She comes up with the idea to crash the wedding that’s happening at the same place. She’s so pleased with herself because she can show him now how she’s the type of girl who can talk to strangers. So remember a couple years ago when one of the bachelors went to some castle for a date? That’s a winery in Napa and I just went there last month. The tour guide told us all about the Bachelor crew and said they were totally disruptive, insisted on all these little details and shut the place down basically. So we’re supposed to believe there’s a wedding happening this same day and time as their date, but this whole crash thing wasn’t planned? I find it far-fetched. If it was actually not planned, I’m wondering if the producers had to pay off the couple? I mean, they had their wedding on TV. Sort of. These are the details that will keep you up at night when you watch too much of this goddamn show.

Anyhoo, Whitney says, “There’s something about weddings that is so romantic.” That’s like saying, “There’s something about a pool that is so wet.” Or “there’s just something about a light bulb that is so bright.” They head over to the wedding, complete with a fancy gift, full makeup, etc. They walk into the wedding and I get all awkward and nervous for them. OMG where are they going to sit?

Turns out he IS impressed with her ability to chat with strangers and she is impressed with his ability to dance. She’s been drinking a lot, is the only explanation for that. They slow dance and it’s funny because she’s looking at him like she’s completely in love with him, and he’s looking at her like he wants to fuck her brains out.

He gives her the rose after they leave the wedding and he face grabs her when they kiss. Ugh! The dreaded face grab. Get your hands OFF my face. Yuck.


Pool Party 

Instead of a cocktail party, the girls are told they’re having a pool party with Chris that day. They aren’t happy about it. They all want to be in full fucking makeup and hair, but that doesn’t go easily with poolside casualness. It’s like they don’t know what to do. God forbid they go natural. So most of them opt for the awkward combo of full hair and makeup but in a bathing suit with heels. It’s probably my least favorite look of all time. Oh and Ashley I. is especially disappointed because she wanted to do her Kardashian look tonight. So instead she wears her un-Kardashian look of full makeup and a gold headband around her brain. So what the hell IS the Kardashian look? Good grief. Oh and you’re a “Freelance Journalist?” Fuck you, so am I. It’s called a blog and it’s not a career. You don’t get paid for it. Wait, what? Some people do? Why the fuck does nobody tell me these things?

Juelia…this suicide thing is so sad. Jesus. And her eyelashes are very clumpy.

Britt was just called the Vanessa Lachey doppelganger on my Facebook page. THANK YOU! Lord, that’s been killing me.

Jade is feeling insecure because Chris’s mouth is molesting everyone else’s mouth but hers. So she does her best to slut it up, so he’ll lick her mouth too. And in these girls’ heads – mouth molestation equals love. So then they get happy. Jade looks fucking ridiculous in a bikini and high heels, as she prances into his garage-house and jumps into his bed to make out. God I hate people.

Meanwhile, Jillian decides to go after Chris…Her and her black box wait patiently in the hot tub. I mean, can you imagine her living on the farm? She’d be lifting tractors and shit. Mackenzie and Ashley I. try to crash the hot tub party but Jillian refuses to leave (roids make you angry and stubborn). Ashley cries about it. Shut up, Virgin. (Also, I was definitely under my sofa for part of this segment. SO awkward. Ugh)

Chris comes into the house and Ashley pulls him upstairs with the determination of Jillian trying to bench 800 pounds. She takes him to a balcony and dry-hump-rapes him. She is the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever seen – wow. So maybe because she doesn’t have sex, she has mastered the art of the dry hump. She pulls him down on top of her despite the fact they’re on the ledge of a building. Watching her kiss him is borderline nauseating. She walks away with the confidence she was hoping for. God, there is so much wrong with that sentence. Can we teach girls that when a boy wants to stick it in you, it doesn’t even mean they like you? Not even a little! The two are totally unrelated in a boy’s head. I could NOT have been this stupid when I was 24, right? College friends – don’t answer that.

So Ashley I. can’t kiss normal – it’s all porn style. Oh and just to nail the coffin shut, she first cries to him about not being able to have alone time with him. Not. Attractive.


Rose Ceremony 

Becca, Whitney and Kaitlyn already have roses. The other 12 go to:
  • Jade – bathing suit and heels. Enough said. 
  •  Samantha – Who? 
  • Juelia – Husband killed himself. I’m sure there’s more to her than that, but of course, the show doesn’t let us see anything else. All suicide, all the time. 
  • Mackenzie – Quinoa’s mom, but might as well be Quinoa’s playmate. The bitch is 7. 
  • Kelsey – cute, normal. Gags on goat milk. I like her but her mouth hasn’t been molested by Chris yet, so I’m not sure he’s into her. 
  • Britt – Vanessa Lachey lookalike. Normal-ish waitress from Hollywood…which, by definition, just can’t be right so stay tuned. 
  • Megan – Cute chick from last week. I like her because she actually attempts the “natural” look. Sort of. But she’s not smart. 
  • Carly – Cruise ship singer who finally showed some spunk this week. Not sure if she’s slutty enough for Chris. 
  • Ashley S – The truly crazy one from last week. Her meds kicked in this week. 
  • Nikki – Nope, no idea. 
  • Jillian – Roid head. 
  • Ashley I – Virgin blogger whore 
Crazy eyes


Therefore, the following chicks get sent home: Amber (bartender who doesn’t swallow), Trina (the oldie) and Tracy (no clue).

Amber comments on the way out that she should’ve fought more. No, you just should have been able to put salty shit in your mouth.

See you next week!

22 comments:

  1. Thanks, Jen! You're the best!

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  2. She is the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever seen – wow. So maybe because she doesn’t have sex, she has mastered the art of the dry hump. - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    Amazing recap. Thank you.

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  3. The addition of Jimmy Kimmel is brilliant! Who knows, maybe next season it'll be Jen F!
    Great blog as usual!

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  4. Hi Jen! Just to clear something up for you (and everyone else who might read this), the bride from that wedding posted the following on her Instagram when someone asked her about how the Bachelor found out about their wedding. I've included all of her spelling & grammatical errors (coupes = couples, out = our, etc.):

    "The producers contacted our venue and asked about coupes getting married in the Fall. There were several to choose from but apparently, we fit the exact profile they were looking for! They liked out age, story and the theme of our wedding. Then, the producer "facebook stalked" us, as she put it, haha and she saw that her and I actually had a mutual friend. Since that mutual friend is her best friend (he's literally officiating HER wedding this year!) she decided it was meant to be! Haha!"

    So there you have it...the wedding was real, but their crashing of it was staged. You should know by now that even the most spontaneous-looking moments on the show are planned well in advance! By the way, the bride's comments were supposedly removed shortly after she posted them (of course). Thankfully, a screen capture still exists....

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  5. Aggghhhh...always a crack up to read, especially after a night full of snarking. You are spot on, as usual.

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  6. Thanks for the laugh! About the wedding "crashing"... I know the show is stupid, but they act like all of the viewers are too. As much as they tried to sell that as spontaneous, it was obvious that it wasn't for so many reasons. I would assume that Whitney and Chris, or at least Whitney, was in on it. And what a terrible idea anyway. It's super tacky to crash someone else's special occasion and eat and drink at their expense.
    I finally figured out who I think Whitney sounds like... Kristen Chenoweth. I don't have a huge problem with her voice. Chris's girly giggle is more annoying.

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  7. I look forward to your blog every week..almost more than the show itself. So. Spot. On. Thanks for the laughs!

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  8. This is the best blog I have ever read! It is actually the only reason I am still watching this show. I look forward to Tuesdays so I can read your blog more than Mondays when I watch the show. :)

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  9. "I mean, can you imagine her living on the farm? She’d be lifting tractors and shit." Loved that. Ahh, poor Jillian. She's getting such a bad edit.

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  10. I love your analysis after the show. Thank you. I was kind of hoping you would weigh in on that sound Kaitlyn kept making on her 1:1 date, when she was worried that Jimmy Kimmel was going catch them making out (and surprise! He did. Great editing.) I couldn't tell if she was implying (via the noise) that their kissing was so tongue-centric that they sounded like two thirsty dogs lapping up water, or if she was trying to execute a turkey call. In any case, blog on. Good stuff.

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  11. A-mazing recap, Jen! Did anyone else notice Jillian (Roid head) hanging all over Britt the entire episode (hand-holding, arm around her shoulder, etc)? None of my friends caught it, but it was quite bizarre to me...

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    1. Yes! Thank you! It wasn't just Britt, either.
      but yeah, I think Jillian is there more for Britt than Chis.

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  12. Can't. Stand. Whitney. Ugh that voice is excruciating!!!!

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  13. Nice work Jen :) Jimmy Kimmel should be a permanent fixture!! Cannot. Stand. Whitney's. Voice! 1 word---Excruciating!

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  14. "Jillian...her and her black box patiently waiting in the hot tub" ...hahahaha!! Thank you for my first laugh today, love your work! Will be thinking of your blog the next time I see Jillian... and her black box : )

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  15. Im from iowa, lived close to where Chris lives. I also work with people who know him personally. They always thought he was gay! Lol! Seriously! Also, I believe his "worth" is a "little" exaggerated, let's say...

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  16. Great recap, but Jen, maybe Whitney has a helium addiction so we shouldn't make fun of her voice. But I hear you, she's kind of a higher-pitched Bernadette from Big Bang Theory.

    I heard that Jade is a former Playboy model - explains the comfort of high heels with the swim suit? I also don't like this look. It makes no sense to be sloshing around in high heels. But I also hate the idea of a pool party as I like to be dressed at parties.

    Does anyone have guesses as to who is the second virgin on the show? At the end, they suggested there would be yet another virgin reveal next week.

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  17. I believe Becca is the other virgin. If I remember correctly, she was the one who wouldn't kiss him, but got the group date rose.
    Loved the recap (as always)!

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  18. LOL! YOU.CRACK.ME.UP, Jen! You're awesome, as always!

    Here’s a few guy-thoughts I jotted down this week…

    Kaitlin date: "I like to just do normal stuff with you." "Felt like normal". BAAHAHAHA! Are you frickin' kidding me?? Idiot!! I loved Jimmy K being there, but the scene with Jimmy at their dinner was just odd. They had the most uncomfortable laughter. It was just weird! At that point I was ready for Jimmy to take a hike. Loved it when Chris said, "You son of a bitch," to Jimmy. CRACKED ME UP!!! And then, both of them hug, over Jimmy, with no kiss. again, it was just WEIRD!!
    Hot tub was funny! Wish we could see more funny shit like that!! LOL!

    Jillian working out: Did they shadow box her balls because they keep falling out of her shorts?? Ewww!!!

    RE: goat milk: I about FELL OUT when she said, "...some girls said it "Tastes like protein". LOL!!! Yeah, I bet!!

    Mackenzie: "Gonna be blunt..." Then, MOUTH WIDE OPEN, looking at Chris. WTF was that??!! "Why do you want to kiss everyone else?" Seriously??!! Do you not watch this show?? She acted and sounded 8 fucking years old! (Spotting her 12 years is too generous, Jen! Good recovery pulling it back to age 7!)

    Whitney date: Winery/Wedding crash. Actually worked out pretty well, but no doubt it was all staged. Did you see the lighting guy holding up the bright light on the dance floor for the camera? Nice going, slick. And, she just annoys me. She'd never be a farmers wife, and she's too skinny to be a home town girl. ( Oops. Did I just say that??)

    Jimmy shower scene was stupid-funny!

    Juelia (hubby committed suicide): Too heavy for a frickin pool party, hon. Seriously. Debbie Downer. She honestly needs to get intense counseling and focus on her baby, not chase a hubby. Please. For your child's sake, girl.

    Ashley I/ journalist: Going crazy due to lack of time. Man up, babe! Pissed at Jillian's man-balls and farting in the hot tub. But, got a make up kiss so all's good.

    Jillian sitting on the hot tub. Was that her frickin fart bubbles we're hearing?? I bet if they remove that black box, you would see a biggo set of those hangy-down balls like you see behind a Dodge truck! Ewwww!!!!

    Jade's heels in his bed: I don't care WHO you are, my OCD will kick your ass if you get your dirty-azz shoes on my bed!! Not cool!!

    Rose ceremony: Last choice...Ashley I. Can she be any more of a DQ?!

    Effin Jimmy K limo wrap-up scene!!! BAAAHAHAHAHA!!! Priceless!

    Great blog and spot-on as usual, Jen! Voting for you in place of Jimmy next year!!

    Haha!!

    Ciao,

    ~Brandon

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  19. Great blog Jen! Love it! And yes you or Jimmy Kimmel should be on the show every week...it would make it so much better...and HONEST!!! Can't wait to read next week's!

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  20. Did anyone see Ashley I (kardashian wanna be) during the rose ceremony? Looked like she was going to throw another tantrum if she didn't get a rose. Hilarious!

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  21. I follow many Bachelor recap blogs, and this week your post is definitely the best. Thanks for the rose and rose-less rundown -- you've captured them perfectly and now I can probably begin to keep them straight.

    ChrisP

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