Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - I need to know what's under that black box

This is barely a reality show at this point. No chance that 95% of these chicks are for real, right? Let’s go… Night one ends and even these chicks are over it.


 Yoga Kimberly wasn’t given a rose but begs to come back (always sexy). Oddly, Chris gives in and lets her stay. Ashley I. says, “It showed us Chris isn’t going to play by the standard rules.” She then tacks on, “Which might MEAN, maybe he’ll poop on me during sex.”

Anyone who reads my blog knows I make at least one “pooping during sex” joke per season. And if there’s one chick who might enjoy getting pooped on during sex, it’d be her…amiright? Also, my fat ass she’s a virgin.

Oh and one more thing. I got a lot of comments and emails last week asking what my “lying on top of me naked” status is, for Chris. Again, for those who haven’t read this blog before, I always judge whether I like a guy by if I can picture him on top of me naked. It’s a perfect tool to assess husband-worthiness. Sounds weird, but try it. Anyhoo, I definitely don’t want Chris rubbing around on me naked and it’s a perfect use of this method, actually. He’s a good-looking dude, right? But there’s something off about him. Something smarmy and pussy-like that makes me cringe if I picture him naked on top of me. So there you go.


Group Date 

Back to it. The next morning, Chris, who apparently lives in the mansion’s converted garage, is again forced to shower outside (no indoor plumbing in garage, I guess). And we’re off on the first date, which includes Jade (28, Cosmetics Developer), Tandra (30, Executive Assistant), Ashley I (26, Virgin Journalist), Mackenzie (15…ok 21, Quinoa’s mom), Kimberly (28, Begging Yoga Girl) and Tara (26, Drunk Fisherwoman). “Show me your country”, the card says, to which Ashley replies, “I’m more Kardashian than country.” Let me tell you with 100% certainty that this chick GETS OFF on the fact people compare her to a Kardashian. Also, she DOES know the show requires her to permanently reside in Iowa, right?

Pool party! How pissed are they that they just did full hair and makeup and now have to jump in a pool? After some water frolicking, they head to downtown LA where they race tractors through the streets. At less than one mile per hour. In bikinis. And cowboy boots and heels. Uneventful. Except for how ridiculous they look.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Jillian and Megan break into Chris’ garage house. Megan spends her time ramming her head into walls like that kid in the movie, Parenthood. Jillian just walks around with a black box around her vagina. And it’s a big black box. Jordan later tells us that Jillian is super hairy but I think that box is hiding her penis. What I DO know, is that part of me would pay good money to see what’s under that box.

 What's behind box number 1? Penis or roid-induced hairiness?

Juelia tells the girls in the house about her daughter, Ireland. (Who will forever be known as Kazakhstan in this blog. Just cause I like making fun of kids’ names). She also mentions that Kazakhstan’s dad killed himself soon after she was born. I mean…my God. I would be wrapped up in a corner somewhere – how is she able to function? I give her credit for being a walking/talking human being. How horrible.

Back on the date, Chris oddly chooses Mackenzie to end the date with, alone. The other girls are not pleased. Tara and her paralyzing low self-esteem comment, “I always walk away empty handed.” She adds on, “Except when I fish. That’s why I fish, people. I can catch them and keep them with me. They don’t run away. Ever.”

Chris quickly comes to regret his decision to keep Mackenzie as she immediately asks him about aliens and tells him about her big nose fetish, all while giggling uncontrollably. She truly is 15. Wow. But that won’t stop him from sticking his tongue down her throat! Maybe that’s actually to shut her up, which isn’t a bad move in retrospect. He ends up giving her the rose, but that’s because she dropped the Quinoa bomb and he can’t dump her now, without looking like a dick. I mean, I’d get it, but you know.


Megan Date 

She is so excited for her one-on-one date with Chris. Of course, she doesn’t realize it’s a date. She thinks the date card is just a little note. She is scary dumb, people. Anyway, she’s excited and squeals, “I wish everyone could feel my insides right now!” Don’t worry, lady. Chris will soon. With his fingers. Gross, sorry.

 "Best. date. ever!" - Chris

They take a private jet to Vegas and hop on a helicopter – a new one for the Bachelor franchise: Two death traps in one day. They fly over the Grand Canyon and I would certainly shit my goddamn pants. They have a canyon-side picnic, where she tells him about her dad who JUST died. I mean, come on. Not everyone has to have a tragic story – I get they cast it that way for sympathy and shit, but its so sad. These poor girls, geesh.

The date is totally uneventful – they just sit and make out. He loves her and she seems to like him. Don’t kill me for saying this, but I can actually see them working out. She’s so simple – she probably doesn’t need some big career or you know, purpose…she just wants to be happy, love Chris, run around a farm with some babies, etc. He doesn’t need some brilliant, driven doctor or engineer – he just wants a chick who will give it all up to support him in Iowa. I’m serious, actually. This might work. Plus she’s hot enough for him.


Another Group Date 

This group date is for Kelsey (28 Counselor), Trina (33, Special Ed Teacher), Alissa (24, Flight Attendant), Tracy (29, Teacher), Jillian (25, News Producer), Becca (25, Chiropractic Assistant), Amber (29, Bartender), Ashley S (24, Hairstylist), Juelia (30, Esthetician), Kaitlyn (29, Dance Instructor) and Britt (27, Waitress).

The limos take the girls to some zombie-filled, deserted, warehouse-type place. But it’s outside. The girls have to shoot the zombies with paintball guns, but Ashley is more concerned with when she gets to shoot the real people. She soon figures it out though and her behavior borders on completely sociopathic. She walks right into the zombies and shoots them like Rambo. She shoots at already dead ones, which must be painful for the zombie actors, no? Finally they finish shooting and can get to the drinking portion of the date. Phew.

Everyone gets drunk and Chris takes turns molesting all their faces in private. Ashley wanders off and then comes back to the group. Here’s what she says:

Ashley: Buy your own truth.
Some girl: Excuse me?
Ashley: You know what? Boom.
Britt: Yeah, so we just don’t know what you’re saying.
Ashley: Boom.
Britt: What’s boom?
Ashley: That’s how I feel.

I’m not trying to make a joke – this is actually how the conversation went. So what’s up with her? They do some psych exams before they allow chicks on the show, so if she’s legit crazy, wouldn’t they have known? So is this just drunk? Does she think she’s funny? Chris is talking to the camera and she comes up to him and tells him his leather smells good. He asks how she’s holding up. She replies, “I don’t know what you’re asking me.” He says, “I’m literally just asking you how you feel.” She then says, “You don’t want to lose the whole world. You don’t want to gain it either.” He says, “That’s a fact.” He finally shows a glimmer of hope people! Could there be a sense of humor in there?

He tells Britt he’s been thinking of her. She coos, “You dooooooo?” Yucks. She seems normal, albeit slightly annoying, and it’s bugging me. She’s a waitress from LA on the Bachelor. She can’t be normal. I’ll be so relieved when her crazy comes out. I know it’s in there!

He gives the rose to Kaitlyn, the end.


Cocktail Party 

Highlights:

• Whitney’s voice is mind-bending. I mean…HOW do people listen to that? She seems super nice but oh my god.
• Ashley I. tells the girls she’s a virgin (liar) and Mackenzie is so jealous she can’t even see straight. I’m thinking that saying she’s 15 is now a stretch. 13?
• Ashley makes Chris wish on her belly button ring. Her belly is undoubtedly flat as a pancake and yet this view makes it look like mine – wrinkly with weird gaps and marks. He wishes on it, then RUBS IT, and she fucking attacks his mouth with hers. I am beyond nauseated.

 I mean...

• Jordan is now the resident alcoholic. Wow. She’s cute, too, but MAN does she have a problem.


Rose Ceremony 

Kaitlyn, Mackenzie and Megan already have roses. Other 15 go to:

Britt – hot waitress who got first impression rose.
Ashley I. – fake virgin Kardashian wannabe
Trina – 33. That’s all I know. She’s 33.
Kelsey – sweet and normal, but not as painted and crazy looking as the others.
Samantha – who? Oh a hot fashion designer, with lots of makeup, fake eyelashes, Botox, extensions, etc. In other words, perfect for farm life.
Juelia – The best part of the show, hands down. Jillian thought he said her name, so she goes to get the rose and almost falls on her ass, and then steroid-laughs like a man-gorilla. Wow. Anyway, it was Juelia who was called (Kazakhstan’s Mom)
Amber – Bartender. Not a chance in hell, lady.
Tracy – Seriously, seriously, no clue.
Jillian – penis hider.
Jade – Still too many girls apparently, because I still don’t know her.
Nikki – Nope, sorry, nothin’.
Becca – hot and squeaky. Those were notes from week one. I’ll assume they’re still valid. But I can’t be sure because I also don’t know who this is.
Carly – Karaoke girl from week one. Barely shown this week.
Whitney – voice that will make you jump off a bridge.
Ashley S – truly crazy. And it’s ridiculous that he gave her a rose. But he probably wanted to boot more of the other girls and explaining a dumping to one of them next week would be harder than dumping Ashley who won’t know what country she’s in.

Therefore, the following five chicks get sent home.

Kimberly – well, I’d say that nails that coffin shut.
Alissa – flight attendant? Whatevs.
Jordan – drunk, drunk and more drunk.
Tara – she fishes for love, people.
Tandra – she was hot but that’s all I remember.

Tara doesn’t take it well, saying, “I never seem to be anybody’s number one. I’ll get used to rejection one day. I get it a lot I’m not sure why I’m not used to it yet. It always ends in heartbreak for me.” My god, is there a suicide watch after this show? This is all very extreme. We need an intervention here. Someone get her a counselor and not a fishing pole, please. Poor girl.

See you next week, my peeps.

16 comments:

  1. "Who will forever be known as Kazakhstan in this blog." - HAHAHAHAHAHHA!

    Sorry about the Duck loss last night Jen!

    Husky Fan

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  2. Can I get someone to agree that Trina looks just like Tonya Harding please?
    Great and clever writing, I always enjoy your recaps.

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    1. yes, she totally does!

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  3. Love your blog, couldn't wait to read your recap of last night! Keep up the entertaining work!

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  4. I read a lot of Bachelor blogs. (Not ashamed.) Yours is the best. Thanks for the poop-sex imagery...dry heaves.

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  5. Britt is hot and totally normal - how dare you say she's cra cra!! She's obviously the libertarian supermodel all men seek.

    The producer pick lives on!! Good lord make it more obvious why don't you?!?

    They had to black box BOTH her frontside and backside....classy!!!

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  6. this made me snort

    Jillian – penis hider.

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  7. I noticed there aren't too many professional women this season and think that was actually a smart move. The waitresses, assistants, former cheerleaders, etc, are much more likely to move to his farm in the middle of nowhere.

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  8. Wow, take a bunch of classless, wannabe fame-hos, add an open bar, sit back and watch the fun...

    Thank god we have Jen to turn this pile of horse manure into a pile of gems!

    TMJ

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  9. Okay, now that I'm done LITERALLY laughing out loud (Parks n Rec, anyone?), I would just like to say that WHY, oh WHY, when they have these dates, do they just talk about things like, "isn't this just the most amazing experience?" Why can't they say things like, "so, what's your take on GMO food?" or, "What's one of your favorite / most embarrassing / worst childhood experiences?" You know, like actually GETTING TO KNOW each other, instead of just being like, oh my god, isn't this amazing? Yeah, this is like, unreal, right? I mean, would it kill them to pretend to talk about real things?
    And I know she has a sad story, but I still don't like Julia because she has a damn E in her name. Spelling it Juelia is completely utterly UNNECESSARY.

    I'm freakin' stoked for Jimmy Kimmel...he's just going to (hopefully) make fun of it the whole time and tell Chris how many crazy bitches there are!

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  10. I'm thinking they didn't necessarily need to black box her front and back. I bet computer imaging wise, it was just cheaper to keep it constant. The reason? Brazilian cut bikini my guess.

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  11. Haha! Reminds me of another funny blog: oneinthirty.com

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  12. Jillian is all over Britt on The Bachelor FB video of next weeks show.....
    I'm guessing penis.

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  13. I love your blog and it's super funny, but I do have to come to the farmer's wife's defense. It IS possible to be a farmer's wife and have a career of your own. In fact, most farmers' wives have careers because MOST farmers (except Chris Soules apparently) don't make that much money. My dad is a farmer, and my mother is a farmer's wife, but she's also the Information Systems Manager for a manufacturing plant...in rural Iowa.
    Jobs for people with brains do exist, but in Iowa we commute a little farther sometimes.

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  14. I am embarrassed to say that I keep coming back here to see if your new post is up. Reading your blog is a lot more fun than watching the episodes!

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  15. Jen - the best part about monday nights is post show. my friends and i read your recap and appropriately enough, laugh our vaginas off. thank you!

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