Tuesday, February 3, 2015

GUEST POST 1: Bachelor Recap- From a REAL Northeast Iowa Farm wife.....Cindy R.

Hi readers! I'm having a blast in Cabo - thanks for understanding the lack of recap this week. However, I got some fun guest recaps. And I love all of you so much for doing it, that I'm posting them all. And I didn't take the time to edit these - I'm just posting away.  Here's numero uno.

What week are we on? Who fucking cares. And now it's all screwed up because we ended the show with Black Widow Kelsey having a faux panic attack instead of watching a rose ceremony where we were all hoping Chris would take his hog panel and sort out the runts......anywho....back to my recap....

We start out the show with Chris and the gals going to Santa Fe. Pre-date card interviews reveal that Kelsey believes she needs a one on one with Chris because her "relationship" with Chris is in jeopardy. What relationship? He hasn't even looked twice at your whiney ass face despite your heinous laugh.....and have you EVER spent any time with him? Not that that matters, anyway, her thinking that she has a relationship with Chris to save is only the beginning of her delusional downward spiral....

Guess what, Ashley I. ALSO thinks she needs the one on one date with him, why? Well, right out of the gate, her first opportunity talking to the camera this week, she explains to us (ONCE AGAIN) that she needs to talk to him because last week she told him she was A VIRGIN. Thanks for the recap, I had totally forgotten.....good thing you remind us all EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU ARE ON CAMERA! Get over it already. She says she needs to explain this to him......I mean, I know he isn't coming off as very bright, but I think he knows what it means, Ashley I. Oh, and she needs to do "it" one on one. I bet you do.

Carley ends up with the first one on one date card. Good for her. She's actually decent, so I'm okay with this. The card says "Let's come together". Thanks ABC for playing this out on the previews like this is soft porn, and then pulling it all together with the wording on the date card. Carley meets up with Chris at a house on the resort where she jumps in his arms and says hi like 3 fucking times. They meet with a "love guru" to bring more juiciness into the relationship. This is their first date. Whatev's. Between the smoke and the mantra's, this date got more awkward by the second. Carly, like Megan last week, explored with feeding Chris fruit. However, Carly dipped her strawberry in chocolate prior to feeding it to Chris, and Chris ended up looking like he just performed a dirty sanchez. Sorry, but I had to say it. Anyway, after a lot of heavy breathing and Carley's turn at dry humping, they decide to keep their pants on.

Back at the hotel, Kelsey is reflecting on how important she was to her late husband, and how great they were together. I'm sorry, but if it were that perfect, why would you be doing this show a little over a year later? Anyway, she goes on to explain about how her husband died on his way to work, and she couldn't even think of the correct name of the condition that caused him to do so, which, in and of itself is wierd, but just the entire way she told the story was eerie, and then she tops it off by telling one of the other girls "and darlin', that's just life". Okaaaayyy....yes, you are certified fucking nuts.

A card comes for the group date, and it's for Jade, Kelsey, Ashley I., Kaitlyn, Whitney, Becca, Samantha (who? does this girl even exist to Chris? I've never even seen him look at her), Megan and Quinoa's mom ;) Kelsey and Ashley I. are instantly pissed, and this leaves the last one on one for Brit.

Carley gets some alone time with Chris in front of the fireplace. They have a conversation in which, apparently, Carley is trying out for a part in Superbad, because she talks like she's 15 and says "like" every other word. Jimmy Kimmel would have made a killing with his jar and this word on this episode. Carley and Chris both reflect on past problems they have had in relationships, although, Chris seems very vague, almost like he hasn't had the experience to speak of at all. Carley ends up with a rose for the night.

Group Date: The girls go white water rafting with Chris. Well, half of them do, the other half just go with the rest of the girls in the "other" raft. This date is pretty uneventful with the exception that Jade falls out of the boat and when she gets pulled back in, the dreaded "black box" reappears to cover Jades bottom. I'm assuming it was an epic wedgie, but who knows.

That evening, Drunk Jordan (eliminated week 2) comes back begging for a second chance. She said she "didn't take Chris up on his offer" to open up and tell him about herself before she was eliminated, or did she? She can't remember, she was too inebriated.

Ashley I. is super insecure about Jordan coming back as it could be one more person taking Chris away from her. Oh, and she mentions that she thinks Jordan is not really a "lady" because of her prior behavior. OMG. Did YOU, of all people, really just say that? Girl, you are gonna cringe when you see these shows played back home when you are in front of your family, bragging about your virgin convictions, but dry humping and mouth fucking the shit out of farmer Chris. Oh, and Ashley, if your dress gets any shorter, you're the one that's going to be sporting the black box.

Whitney takes the high road and says although she doesn't want another girl there, she's not going to be mean to Jordan, even thought Ashley I. is campaigning that they all make Jordan feel unwelcome. Long story short, after all the drama, Chris decides it's not a good idea to keep Jordan there anyway, so she leaves, and he gives Whitney (the voice) the rose, which was a good choice. Whitney follows up on camera saying that she's seeing a side of Ashley I. that Chris doesn't see. 10-4 to that, but honey, if you want to stay, DON'T nark to Chris about ANY other girl.....that's the kiss of death, right there. Ashley confides that she didn't think she had to worry about competing with Whitney, because she is so fake. WTF? Hello pot, meet kettle.

Brit Date: We find out a bit earlier that Brit does not bathe or shower on a regular basis, at least not while on the show. Gross. How is it that she doesn't shower, but takes the time to put a full face of makeup on before bed? Seriously, where in the fuck do they find these girls? I just don't get it. She is going on a hot air balloon ride with Chris, and although she is "terrified" of heights, to the point of tears before the date, she is jumping up and down with excitement at the sight of the hot air balloon and anticipation of the ride with Chris, which makes me question if she just lies about shit for attention. So, they have a great time, and come back to his room and "nap" for 2 hours because they left at 4:30 in the morning that day. She tells the other girls that they "napped" and that it was really "cool". God, could this show get any stupider?

Ashley I. throws Brit under the buss to the other girls about how she previously told her that she did not want to settle down or have kids, at the same moment, or, thanks to ABC, it LOOKS like the same moment, Brit is with Chris in his room, telling him she wants "like, 100" kids, and she, of course, scores the rose.

Before the cocktail party that didn't happen, Black Widow Kelsey gets up the nerve to sneak to Chris' room and talk to Chris about her history. She hasn't done this yet. Why? Because he doesn't give a fuck and hasn't carved out any time to speak with her yet. Do ya get it, Kelsey? After Brit's date with Chris she feels compelled to do this because their date "diminished" her relationship with Chris. Ugh. She knows she's circling the drain, and uses this ploy as, in her words, a "game changer". She, in a very smug and conniving way, tells him her "tragic yet amazing" story, and tells him she knows she's not going anywhere......yeah, like in life, you're not going anywhere, honey, not after this. She also says that the build up to her and Chris kissing has been building and building for so long.....OMG, for who? For you, maybe, but, to him, honey, you barely exist! She tells everyone to stay tuned that she will be getting a rose....Monday nights at 8. God, she is so evil.

Chris comes down to the cocktail party that didn't happen and is very emotional. We can only speculate that it's because of the conversation he had with Black Widow. She started out super cocky, but now is nervous. Probably because her bull shit story and sneaking around may not have done her any good, and now she's made a complete ass out of herself on television and is still going to get dumped. Ashley I. is pissed again, wondering why Black Widows story is "so much more traumatizing than mine"? What's your story again, oh, yeah, you're a VIRGIN. WHAT'S the STORY?!?!? God! LET IT GO ALREADY!!

Black Widow leaves the room, and we can hear her crying and hyperventilating, although, I don't know how that is possible, since the cameraman had to walk through a 1000 mile maze to get to her. One last epic effort for the sympathy rose, I guess, since all else had failed.

So, Carley, Whitney and Brit already have roses. No rose ceremony tonight, it's to be continued. That's just bullshit. So now we'll have 2 the next show? I can't stomach this any longer.

The show ended on a ligh note, Megan in a huge ass sombrero, somewhat drunk, having fun and making fun of herself. Atta girl, Megan!


  1. Kelsey's story is real, but everything else about her is questionable. I realize it makes good tv, and the producers no doubt prod these women to tell their "stories." Otherwise, you know, all in due time. There's really no rush to unload your personal drama on someone you barely know. And who probably doesn't give shit, to be totally honest. Her whole performance just felt wrong from the gloating about her "AMAZING" story that she "LOVES" to her maybe panic attack. Time to go home girlfriend, and get some counseling.
    I have to think that Chris has no interest in most of these women. There has to be a show, though, so he can't send all of the non-contenders home at once, right?

  2. You had me at "take out his hog panel and sort out the runts." Bahahaha! Rural Wisconsin gal here. Thanks for posting!