Tuesday, February 3, 2015

GUEST POST 8: Karli S.

Anyways, off to Santa Fe!

Megan thought Santa Fe was out of the country and on the beach so that was a good start. I felt a twinge of embarrassment for my fellow female. Way to represent Megan!

Carly, my present favorite, and not at all because we share the same first name, gets the first 1-1 date. They meet with a love guru named Tziporah Kingsbury. Chris has "never been to a love guru before" (shocking since he lives in Iowa) and admits that if the love guru can't bring out their love then no one can. That's always a good relationship philosophy. It turns out that Tzipork-me is a sex guru. And Chris pretends that he has no idea. Classic. They both act like they hate the weird sexual date but secretly they love it. Seriously though, good for Carly for putting a stop to the awkward undressing scene. The entire segment was uncomfortable to watch and I was so thankful when they transitioned to Kelsey and Ashley I. (Said Nobody Ever).

Anyways, Ashley I., Kelsey and Mackenzie are talking about Kelsey's past. Ashley is judging Kelsey because it's been 5 weeks and she hasn't told everyone that she has a dead husband. Everyone in the world knows that Ashley I. is a virgin times 1,000 so naturally everyone needs to readily share their deepest, darkest secrets. That's the last thing anyone needs… comforting and then off-line judging from Ashley (now that she's the only Ashley left, can we drop the "I"?). Kelsey is starting to get on my nerves but at least she was guilty of under-sharing. Carly and Chris finish their date off with talking and kissing. And more talking. And more kissing. At least there was some talking.

On the group date is Ashley (yippee), Megan, Kelsey, Whitney, Jade, Becca, Mackenzie, Samantha and Kaitlyn. They go white-water rafting and Jade gets a cramp (because of course, she has some bizarre medical condition). So Chris rubs her down and all the girls get jealous. But especially Kelsey. How did she so quickly become so lame?

Surprise, Jordan is back. Yipppppeeeeeee, one of the drunks is back!!! Don't they just make the show better!!?? But she's cute, so why not, right? Oh yeah and she is Ashley's "least favorite person in the house" and they are "fundamentally different people." So for that reason alone, I think Jordan is probably cool as shit.

Jordan's presence causes a frenzy in the house. Things are FINALLY tense. CAT FIGHTS! I have been waiting all season for this lame female bickering. It's good TV. Especially because Ashley is the most pissed of everyone. It makes me happy to see her suffer. But Chris decides that his little penis can't take the anxiety or confrontation that Jordan is causing the rest of the girls. So, THAT was fun and totally worth the 15 minutes of air time.

Whitney gets the rose. Not sure why. Maybe she was the least lame on this lame date. But then I realized it's probably because Ashley hates her and thinks she's fake. Best line of the season thus far courtesy of Ashley: "I just see Chris with someone more genuine." BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Britt gets the next 1-1 date. When he wakes her up at 4 AM, she looks fantastic despite not showering "for weeks". Apparently she puts on make-up before she goes to bed. Which can only mean one thing… she gets A LOT of booty calls. And come on- HELLO morning breathe? Let's suck face right after I open my eyes? Eeewwwwwwwwwwwww. Then she puts on dirty socks. Stay classy Britt.

Anyways, Chris and Britt go for a hot air balloon ride and Britt overcomes her fear of heights within seconds, probably because she is so utterly in love. With the guy who couldn't form a complete sentence last week when she confronted him. I wish I could have such short-term memory in my relationships. But back to the date! And Britt. Who so sluttishly reminds us, “the date starts in bed and ends in bed."

Now shit people, where to begin with Kelsey? Is it possible that she is crazier than Ashely S.? After hearing about Britt's slutty 2-hour “nap” with the Farmer, she decides to sneak away to his room. IT'S FINALLY TIME TO TELL HER STORY. YAY!! So much for under-sharing. (Flash back to the beginning scene with Ashley I... Her first husband died suddenly of, what's it called? Um, I can't think of the name. The love of my life died a year and a half ago and I can't remember how. Oh yeah, it was..... congenital heart failure- the way she was grasping, I kept waiting for something more fancy). Shame on me- I'm going to hell. Back to the present- Kelsey refers to her story as "AMAZING". She "LOVES her story" and again, it's "AMAZING"!!!! Then she sucks face with Chris and his HUGE pit stains (no, not penis). Another brutal scene. But I'm seriously scared of Kelsey. I think that's why Chris was sweating so bad during their brief rendezvous.

On to the cocktail PARTY. WHOOP! Just kidding. Chris cancels the cocktail party because Kelsey's husband died. AND. Shit. Just. Got. REAL. People. Then Kelsey has a panic attack. I mean, the whole thing felt so fake... but if the girl is seriously and legitimately having a panic attack, is it necessary to make such a spectacle of it on national TV? Poor girl. Okay I'm starting to feel bad for her. Why do they have to pick such sad stories for this show and then turn them against these ladies in such dramatic fashion. Would it really be that boring to have 30 "normal" girls on the show?? Okay maybe 1-2 crazy bitches would be fun but seriously, I want ABC to try this! Next Bachelor season, let’s pick a non-man-whore as Bachelor, 28 normal chicks with boring histories and decent personalities. And because I’m greedy, they can’t wear wake-up and they have to be at least a size 6. And then of course, 2 crazy biatches. That’s not too much to ask is it? No wonder none of these relationships ever work out…

At least once per season, we get thrown the dramatic “TO BE CONTINUED”… so here it was in week 5. I’m. On. The. Edge. Of. My. Seat. How. Will. I. Function. For. The. Next. Week? More or less, you didn’t miss anything Jen. My boyfriend reluctantly watches The Bachelor with me every week, and he couldn’t have been less interested last night. So, basically, it was a shatty episode. And even worse is that I have to see Ashley’s crack-face for another week. Boooooooooooooooooooo.

Sorry for my lame attempt at being your guest blog. I thought it would be fun. But I’ll be glad when you are back next week!

1 comment:

  1. Great recap and not lame at all! I loved the "said nobody ever" part and the pit stains mention. Funny!