Tuesday, February 3, 2015

GUEST POST 9: By Robbin: Coming soon...Austin DA to exhume husband's body.

Oh Jenn, you would have loved this episode…so much to work with.

We set back in with the mute kissing Bachelor and his harem of crazies as we head, according to Megan, to the country of New Mexico.  Really, I don’t think hitting her head against the walls of Chris’ bungalow was the cause.  Did he know that they cast mentally challenged women on the show?  Of course, this is a TV show. I almost forgot.   

We should have known that we were going to be squirming and, as you say, jumping under the couch for this date when they handed out the “Let’s Come Together” date card for Chris and Carly.   To sum it up, the look on her face tells it all…this date was essentially the bunging jumping off the bridge without  the bridge or the bungee….just having to stare at his lipless sphincter, I mean his mouth, with the chocolate sh*t all around it while a sx guru laughs in the background and pretend to have the hots for Farmer Bachelor was, I agree, Carly, TERRIFYING!!!!  NO, we do not want him on top of us either…GROSS!

Later we do gain some insight into why he does not talk.  I believe on his date with Carly, where they actually expect there to be a two way conversation and some semblance of a fully developed Bachelor, he sputters, and I could be making this up, that he comes from a farm and we don’t have to speak just plow so he hasn’t really been good at relationships.   Just keep plowing.   But in the end, you know what I’m thinking and the producers are thinking…Carly for Bachelorette!  She got all the lines down.  From Cinderella to hot dating Princess.  Watch for this make-over.

We then get the break away to start opening the can of worms that is Kelsey.  Even Ashley I is wondering…how does this woman not even remember what her husband died of?  Oh,yeah says Kelsey all nonchalant… what did they come up with, ha ha cackle, congestive heart failure that’s what those coroners, thought it was.  Right, after he drank the home made orange juice I squeeeeeeeezed just for him.  Chill.   More on that later. Much more.

We go off to the next usual group date as The Farmer says that he has chosen to take the girls white water rafting because rafting down the river along the corn fields of Iowa is a big part of this life.   Ok, this is boring date so let’s move on to more catty action.   The after party.  Jordan has threatened the Producers that if they don’t let her redeem herself on national tv, she will sue them for plying her with liquor and so she gets to come back and act all innocent.   Ashley and her caboose jump onto the sofa next to Chris all decked out in her Jersey Shore clubbing wear to announce with a straight face…that Jordan is a party girl and I’m NOT.  Once again Farmer Chris blinks and I can only assume he is thinking and perhaps saying in this head “ ‘Huh’  is this opposite day?...like my 6 year old daughter.   I didn’t see that coming “.  One more thing, no one mentioned last week, as Chris confirms his incestuous longings when he gives the rose to Whitney the spitting image of his sister who lives in Ireland.  Come on, I couldn’t keep it straight if the camera was panning to Whitney in the background or his sister.   Perhaps it’s the transference of his longing..she lives far away?  The sparse population of the cornfields?

Now, do I care about Britt and her 15 minute commercial of fame? No.   All I have to say is ewww, did his fingers smell after that nap.  And two, how is her hair so glossy if she never showers?  hmmm

Finally, “I Love my Story”.  Glenn Close has got nothing on her.   This is the scariest contestant EVER. Winner Winner.  I am predicting that the DA in Austin will be exhuming her husband’s body any day now.  If I were his parents, I’d be making some calls.  And her third person black widow speech.  Come on, how does he kiss her?  I’d be holding up a cross sign and pushing the producers in front of me for protection.   Call the Police…not the EMT.  This girl is crazy.   And not to mention, such a catty b+tch. 

1 comment:

  1. LIPLESS SPHINCTER?!?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'm dying over here! Seriously his mouth looked so weird during that whole Love Guru segment. And the third person interview with Kelsey - hilarious. Great recap!