Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Bachelor Recap - Women Tell All. And I Hate Them.

There’s no reason this recap should be late because this show was fucking stupid and I could recap it in five sentences. But I won’t because I rant a lot. So here goes.

Chris and Chris crashing parties is good stuff, especially the super wasted crew at the end. I bet the one tequila-bottle-chugger was in panic mode waiting for last night’s episode to air – she probably didn’t have a clue what she did on camera. I wonder if she blew Harrison? Also the people in the first party went a little overboard on the farm theme, no? I’m surprised there wasn’t a real fucking cow mooing in the corner (SOMEONE reading this blog, take note. I want a picture of a real cow in your living room next Monday night for the finale).

Not an attractive look

Britt in the Hot Seat 

I really wish I could sit and talk to these bitches. Everything is so scripted and edited. People were saying she was made out to look like the victim on the show, but it didn’t strike me that way. She looked like a crybaby and was a weeeeee bit over dramatic, but not a victim. Anyhoo, why am I even saying this shit? Let me break it down. She was apparently shocked Carly talked shit about her to Chris when Carly was her BFF in the house. Carly said she was not. Then these two assholes bickered back and forth for what felt like hours. They are both NOT eloquent with their words and the editing is choppy so it’s hard to tell who the shit said what. But I know this – Carly drove me fucking bonkers. BONKERS. She wouldn’t shut the shit up and kept interrupting. So that was my takeaway – you can say something else and I’d probably agree with you. I hate ‘em all. What a bunch of incredibly self-absorbed shitheads. With WAY too much makeup.

Also, Jillian has clearly NOT eased off the ‘roids. Holy shit.

Also, Britt needs to not touch her hair every three seconds. And WHY is there no Kleenex? I don’t get it. Also, I think her lipstick is permanent.

Kelsey in the Hot Seat 

She definitely got the asshole edit. But she’s also an actual asshole, so……..there’s my official take.

She said she felt betrayed, she snotted into Harrison’s hankie, she thinks she was misinterpreted, blaaaaaah. Harrison asks if she thinks she’s better than the rest of these women. She replies, “Yes, of course. NO WAIT, I mean NO, of COURSE NOT. I accidentally said what I’m thinking in my brain, but it slipped out.”

I’m begging for someone to ask her why she called her death story amazing. Finally Harrison comes through and this is why I love him. She blabs about how the death wasn’t amazing, but the fact she’s moving on and open to finding love, is amazing. Whatevs. Your hair is not amazing.

Here’s my two cents on this chick, since I know you’re all dying to hear (sarcasm): She is annoying. She’s one of those socially awkward people with a fucking crazy annoying laugh and the actual words she uses makes you want to scratch her. She’s annoying. So put that on TV with a bunch of other crazy bitches, some smarmy editing by douchey producers and prince farming and you get reality TV gold.

Ashley S. in the Hot Seat 

Speaking of reality TV gold…Ashley S. is in the hot seat. My two cents: She’s not crazy; she’s eccentric and loves attention. After watching the show back, she realized how she was portrayed and decided to run with it. So last night she was actually much less amusing than she was on the actual show, because she’s not that great of an actor. She just looked like she was trying too hard to be crazy. I do think she’d be good on Bachelor in Paradise though...but now she has to keep up the crazy thing, which would get old.

Jade in the Hot Seat 

Jesus, lay off the foundation. And the lipstick. She’s pretty but she’s not doing her reputation any good by prancing around with that shitty jewelry, cheesy dress and all that goddamn makeup on her face. Why not a tasteful pant suit? These chicks all need a lesson in moderation.

They recap her shit and she says how she was so hurt by Chris’ blog. He wrote that the girl he knew was different than who her family described. It disturbed him. This threw her into a tizzy. I don’t know.

Kaitlyn in the Hot Seat 

Can I just say, never…ever…in 100 million years would you ever catch my less-than-toned, 39-year old ass in that outfit? People…it’s a WHITE tight skirt and a half shirt. I can’t imagine anything less attractive on me. Holy shit.

So rumor has it she’s the next Bachelorette. Meh, I don’t know. Her teeth and tats bother me. But I guess she has personality, so we don’t have to watch another Emily Maynard. So anyway, I thought she’d be all, “I was hurt, but it just made me realize how excited I am to find love!” but she actually said crap like, “I think about that moment everyday.” So she sounds like she’s not over him and totally scripted. So that was nice.

She also thought she didn’t deserve to go through the rose ceremony. He should’ve dumped her in private. I guess she missed the memo on the fact the fucking TV show she was on likes to run things that way. She also said, “Why didn’t he just give me a small sign I wasn’t the one?” Umm, like what? Tugging his ear? A wink? I’m so sure. Fantasy suite: “Kaitlyn, I’m falling in love with you, and I’m about to put it in you. However, if tomorrow, you see me pull on my ear, spin in a circle and scratch my left testicle, it means I’m not picking you. So run. Mmmmkay?”

Chris in the…I can’t call it the hot seat anymore. That’s so stupid. 

For pretty much being the worst orator ever, he actually does a half (I stress, half) decent job holding his own against all these crying, whiny, self-absorbed chicks. Britt sees him, cries, and then holds onto him for waaaaaay too long. He tells her he dumped her - not because of what Carly told him, but just because of her in general. She says, “ummm…thanks?”

Kaitlyn then asks him not to sugar coat it and tell her what happened. He says, “OK no sugar coating. I didn’t like you as much as Whitney and Becca.” OK he didn’t say that but it’s what HE FELT. WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND, LADIES?

Good lord, now it’s Jade’s turn. I’m OVER these chicks, big time. OK…so they chat about how disturbed he was, then she says she was hurt when he said it was “awkward” looking at her naked photos. What the fuck? Of course it’s awkward. What an idiot. I’m glad he sticks to it and says, “Well, yeah, it was awkward.” I like how he later says, “It was much less awkward seeing the photos while I masturbated alone later that night.”

Bloopers always good, but slightly oversold. What the fuck Harrison wrote a book? What the fuck THREE hours next week? Oh yeah, that whole After the Final Rose deal…Almost there, people!


  1. At least Carly got her extensions fixed. That was bugging me more than anything.

    1. Yeah, thank god. She had a mullet-look during the regular season due to the extreme line between her hair & the extensions. I liked the new bleached color on her, too. Disappointed she didn't reshape her brows, though, but they did seem more filled-in with a darker shade, which helped a little.

  2. Smitty wants to put it in Britt

  3. I thought the Britt vs. Carly thing went on wa-a-a-a-y too long too. I had the impression that Britt interrupted Carly more than the other way around. I liked Carly and her sense of humor for most of the season, but she seemed to get the mean girl edit at the end there. I am sure she wasn't the only one to air her feelings; she just gave them the best sound bites.

    1. I totally agree. She had the best 1 liners, so of course they played her the most. And Britt was obviously a faker. I mean Jen called it on the blog with the whole hot air balloon and the whole first row of the WTA agreed. She is just an out of work pretty actress who needs her 15 mins to last longer. And Carly never got a decent chance to defend herself because permalips wouldn't shut up long enough. Even Smith asked her to be quiet, and he wants to do bad things to Britt.

  4. If he has any on the farm, Chris really should have brought some tranquilizer darts with him while crashing parties. That tequila chugger could have used one (or five).

  5. I just wish they would stop it with the Bachelor crashing the viewing parties, they make me want to vomit all over the place. JUST STOP!

  6. Love your blog. I would love to see Kelsey and Carly have a cat fight. Both loony tunes self absorbed bitches that would back stab their grandmother. Put those two on Bach in Paradise ... see how fast those guys will run to the Canadian Embassy and prefer 10 feet of snow instead of sand. This season the biggest bunch of stupid bitches I have ever seen. The final two ... omg boring. And the proposal is in a barn oh give me a break ... please tell me they are saving up money so they can have Arie as next bachelor. This season was totally dismal, I didn't get drunk once watching it. I didn't even have a glass of wine. Now that shows there is something seriously fucking wrong with it. Loser chicks, loser season. The tequila chugger was the only thing of interest lol lol

  7. Apparently the last viewing party with the girl chugging from the bottle is actually a producer on the Ellen show! Ellen showed the highlight reel on Monday & then panned to the girl & she just bowed her head in shame. It was hilarious!!!

  8. Do we have anyway to find out who the designer is for Britts gold dress?

  9. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS! Spot on! And why does no one ever wear pants????