Tuesday, May 19, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - So who do I want naked on top of me?

I’m not gonna lie. A two-night premiere, followed by eleven weeks of Britt’s fucking face is almost too much for this blogger to handle. But I will do my best to hang.

Harrison says, “Let’s meet these two incredible women!” It’s not the first time something will be oversold this season. Incredible is a stretch, sir. Kaitlyn is “funny, sexy and inappropriate” and Britt is “sincere, emotional and loving.” Those are not the words I would use. Kaitlyn is cute, vulgar but likeable. Britt is hot and full of shit.

Kaitlyn tells us she’s concerned because the first night is based on initial attraction. That’s code for, Britt is clearly hotter than I am, so I’m fucked. Don’t get me wrong – I’d marry Kaitlyn over Britt in a heartbeat but I fear stupid boys with their stupid penises will fall for Britt’s general hotness.

Let’s Meet Some Boys 

Jonathan 33, Automotive Spokesman, Detroit 
He’s black-ish and has a clone son named Cloud. Maybe it’s Skye but to me, it’s Cloud.

Joe, 28, Insurance Agent, Kentucky 
He’s a southern gentleman who treats people how he wants to be treated. He seems sweet but a little…simple? He’ll get eaten alive. Let’s be honest.

Josh, 27, Law Student, Chicago 
Not a law student. He graduated already and now he’s a stripper. And a gross one at that. He says, “Even though I’m around women all the time, I haven’t found one I can see myself having a future with.” Really? That’s so odd. Strange this one isn’t wife material:

 Dollar bills are filthy. Get that out of your mouth. Good God.

Brady, 33, Singer-Songwriter, Nashville 
He’s here for the wrong reasons. Even if he’s genuine, that will be said at least 100 times this season. Also you guys? He’s always had melodies inside him.

The melodies are spewing out of him

Joshua, 31, Industrial Welder, Idaho 
 From this tiny intro, he seems super hot and normal. And anyone who admits they like Kaitlyn more than Britt wins points in my book because he’s clearly going for the less-hot but way better chick. Also, welding is like love. There’s heat and friction, two things becoming one and sparks fly. I gotta say – that’s FINALLY a decent analogy for love.

Ian, 28, Executive Recruiter, Venice 
He ran track and then was hit by a car. But he rebuilt his body, yo. Now he wants a wife. I don’t see the connection, but we learned a lot about him. Also – he’s cute and normal.

Jared, 26, Restaurant Manager, Rhode Island 
There is something really gross yet totally attractive about him. Like he might hit you or something during sex, but not in a totally abusive way, but in a hot way. Oh wait, he’s pretending to be a superhero. All sex appeal gone.

Tony, 35, Healer, St. Louis 
Nobody normal acts like this. He’s got some serious shit going on, mark my words. He also masturbates with plants.

Ben Z., 26, Fitness Coach, San Jose 
Mama Like, mama like.

Limo Arrivals 

They stand on the driveway about 20 feet apart, forcing the guys who leave the limo to make a choice as to who they are going to approach first. Of course, they edit it like Britt gets all the guys and poor asshole Kaitlyn just sits there.

Ben H., 26, Software Sales, Denver 
He’s cute but says to the camera that he lost his words when Britt talked. Bleeeeach.

Jonathan, Auto Guy we just met
He suddenly seems REALLY smarmy. Like every word out of his mouth sounds like he’s having phone sex.

Clint, 27, Architectural Engineer, Chicago 
I think I fell asleep – I don’t remember him.

Ryan B., 32, Realtor, Florida, 
“Hi, Disney princess” he says to Britt. Fuck off.

Jared – guy we met in previous section 
Still seems dirty. He liked Kaitlyn but now he likes Britt. Of course. Penis thinker.

Kupah, 32, Entrepreneur, Boston 
Entrepreneur is code for unemployed. He looks like Punjab from the original Annie movie. Which was released in 1982. Yes, I’m old.

Brady – Guy with melodies in him 
I’m too focused on the fact he has “melodies in him” to know much more.

Cory, 35, Residential Developer, Texas 
Seriously, there are too many guys. I don’t know him.

Ian – runner who almost died 
He goes to Kaitlyn first and tells her that he’s there for her. I DIG him. Also because he’s basically putting all his eggs in her basket. If Kaitlyn isn’t the Bachelorette, it’s hard to convince Britt he was “just kidding – I didn’t like Kaitlyn all that much anyway, hahahahahah!”

JJ, 32, Former Investment Banker, Denver 
Former Investment Banker? Former? I’m a former, lots of things. You can’t write that as a current occupation. Fine, I’m a “Former Infant”. He gives Kaitlyn a puck…cause she’s Canadian so she likes hockey and he wants to “puck” her. OK I can’t get behind that.

Ryan M., 28, Junkyard Specialist, Kansas City 
That’s code for homeless. Don’t bother learning too much about him. Dude doesn’t last long.

Bradley, 25, International Auto Shipper, Atlanta 
Code for Mafia

Daniel, 28, Fashion Designer, Nashville 
He’s dancing. So there aren’t many straight male fashion designers. You’re not helping your case, dude.

Josh, stripper 
He’s not exactly downplaying his stripper job.

Joe - already met him (see above)
Southern gentleman seems extra gentleman-ly as he tries to get Kaitlyn messed up on moonshine.

Justin, 28, Fitness Trainer, Illinois 
Seems like a stretch to impress girls with squeaky helium voice, no?

Tanner, 28, Auto Finance Manager, Kansas City 
I think I can get behind him. I’m not sure of his “naked on top of me status”, but he seems decent. (Let’s recap that for those new readers…I’ve discovered the most effective way to judge the quality of a dude is whether I can picture him on top of me naked. It sounds shallow but it’s an amazingly accurate gauge)

Shawn B., 28, Personal Trainer, Connecticut 
There is something super attractive about him. I think it’s because he’s there for Kaitlyn, which clearly I find more endearing (to not pick the obviously hotter one). It’s also because he’s so vocal about it to her – he tells Kaitlyn she’s the reason he’s there…and Britt can hear him. That takes balls. Because if Britt is the Bachelorette, he’s outta there. I dig him.

David, 26, Realtor, Orlando 
No idea.

Corey, 30, Investment Banker, New York 
He asks Kaitlyn if her offer of “letting him plow the fuck out of her field” is still valid. I dig him. But I forget if I’d want him naked on top of me. I’ll get back to you.

Tony, wacko healer 
He says something odd about the universe providing love. Not only is it weird but he also repeats himself word-for-word when talking to Kaitlyn. Dude... Also, everyone stop and close your eyes. Picture him lying on top of you naked. What would he be doing? Moaning, moving much too slow, crying perhaps and then talking about the universe climaxing or some shit. See what I mean? It’s an accurate gauge.

Shawn E, 31, Amateur Sex Coach, Ontario, Canada 
So he’s an Amateur Sex Coach… or in other words: a guy. He wins for the friggin’ hot tub car – that’s phenomenal. But you just don’t date him.

Chris, 28, Dentist, Nashville 
Why is everyone from Nashville? Whose idea was the fucking cupcake car? He doesn’t own that.

So Chris would you be interested in driving a cupcake car into the mansion? Promise me it won't make me look ridiculous? Absolutely. Then OK!

Joshua and Ben Z. come in next and I don’t remember, except to say that I think I liked both of them.

Harrison tells the girls that the guys will choose tonight, who will be the Bachelorette. Will they really kick one off tonight? That’s a bummer. I kind of hope there’s some twist where they let them both stay, or they kick one off, but then she comes back or something?

Cocktail Party 

So much nothing. Fuck this show. It’s killing me. The entire cocktail party was just a lot of Britt being fake as shit, interrupting everyone and Kaitlyn being normal, and a tad masculine. Other highlights:

• Justin tells Britt he has a son named Areola. That might not be correct, actually, but it is now.

•Britt pretends she likes men who already have kids.

 • Wacko Healer tells Britt, when she hugged him, he just needed a hug at that moment. So not only is he a wacko and overly girly and sensitive, but he’s also needy. Attractive!

• The guys start voting by putting roses in the girls’ boxes (snicker snicker)

• Healer says that he went into the voting room, put his hands on the boxes and felt Britt’s box “pulsating”. Not the only thing pulsating for Britt, Healer. IT’S YOUR PENIS.

• Homeless guy gets so drunk he gets kicked out. There is absolutely nothing unique or interesting or funny or entertaining. It’s the SAME SHIT every season.

OK I did enjoy this...

• Kaitlyn’s bird tattoo is to symbolize she values where she comes from. So why not have a Canadian flag or a hockey stick? The bird is a far stretch.

• JJ claims Britt is the prettiest girl he’s ever spoken to. No comment. Well, I will say picturing JJ naked on top of me, wiggling around with the occasional moan is enough to make me lose my lunch.

• JJ claims he fell in love with Britt tonight. Poor guy. This guy’s odds of marrying Britt are about the same odds of Harry Connick Jr. having a torrid affair with me.

• On a scale of one to ten, Melodies-inside-himself guy said that Britt is a billion. You asshole.

• The guys comment how this has got to be agonizing for the girls. Agonizing? That’s a big word. Agonizing should be saved for really agonizing things, like losing a loved one or taking out your contacts after cutting jalapeño peppers for dinner.

• A chubby guy in a beret helps guard the girls’ rose boxes while Harrison counts roses…and the verdict is in. Oh wait, no, that happens tonight in a totally unnecessary additional night of this show. Grrr.

• As credits roll, we hear sex coach telling Britt how she needs to be careful when playing with anal sex toys. It needs to have some kind of barrier so it doesn’t get stuck in your bowels. Oddly, this is the most intelligent thing I’ve heard on this show.

See you again tomorrow!


  1. Jen is back people - rejoice!!!

    Amateur Sex Coach?!? Just go fuck yourself dude - could you be a bigger joke of a human?

    Pretty sure Jen owes all men a huge apology - there is hope for humanity after all!!!

  2. I just absolutely love you and your blog. I'm constantly checking to see when your recaps are posted and I may only watch the show so that I can read your hilariousness weekly. Don't judge me.

  3. She's ba-ack!! I read this before watching the premiere on Hulu. I like your take before submitting my brain cells to sudden death.

  4. Great recap - as always! Naked on top of me status: 1) Ian, 2) Joshua!

    Favorite line: "Justin tells Britt he has a son named Areola. That might not be correct, actually, but it is now." I seriously could not stop laughing!

  5. You are back and oh yeah baby you are kickin' it! The comment on the over the top zen dude that he "masturbates to plants" omfg you killed me. Ian is one hottie ... no problem imagining him on top of me. So glad it is Kaitlyn because I couldn't stand another season of Britt's insipidness. Kaitlyn ya never know what just might come out of her mouth and is naturally funny and I don't find her fake. Noticed the show told Britt no more false eyelashes ... okay so she is minus one less false thing - I'm sure something else will take it's place. You Go Kaitlyn!

  6. the drunk dude was a total douche...

    but he didn't spill his drink!

  7. Where did the healer get the black eye???!