Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - And now, Kaitlyn presents you....her Vagine

Where we left off…
Ian is ripping into Kaitlyn. She holds it together…too much. I would’ve said, “You know what? Fuck off, you fucking sack of horse shit.” Ian goes on and on about how shallow she is and that she’s just there to make out with guys. He leaves and in the limo says, “I just want to have sex.” Really? Anyone else see a strange Hi-Pot-I’m-Kettle-You’re-Black thing going on?

It kills me that he thinks he’s so deep. He’s fucking boring and waaaaay too serious. I can’t even begin to think about how boring it would be to date him. He’d be all, “So the situation in Darfur is getting serious.” And I’d be all, “Yo, let’s do shots! Did you see the new Dumb and Dumber movie? Hilar!”

Kaitlyn wraps it up with, “I’m disappointed in how you approached this, you don’t appreciate who I am, and you actually feel good about this?” So THIS is when I start to get behind Kaitlyn – this is all rational. Then she goes and fucks Nick and creates a fake funeral and I want to punch her again.

Nick consoles her by sticking his tongue in her mouth, so I guess that works?

Jared is pointy. And Shawn is shiny. And pissed off. And about two episodes away from a DEFCON 5 meltdown.

Rose Ceremony 

Really? At the Alamo? Do we have to shit all over the history of the Alamo? Harrison is proud this is taking place in his home state. Way to try and make this show about you for one second. Ain’t gonna happen.

Ben H, Shawn and Nick already have roses. The rest go to:

Jared – Not Subway Jared. Pointy. Scruffy.
Chris – Despite being cute, he has zero sex appeal. Zero.
JJ – Still just so gross. Come on Kaitlyn.
Joe – He was quiet this week, which means he’s on the way out. But I like him.
Ben Z – Really big and cute. I could get behind him.
Tanner – Nope. Cute and normal but again...soooo not naked-on-top-of-me material.

Ben: Me so happy I get rose!

Therefore, the following dudes are going home.

Ian – In case that wasn’t clear.
Justin – Yup, not a real shocker here.
Joshua – The hot welder who acted like a 10-year-old.

Joshua is MORE upset about Nick being there than about actually leaving himself. If Nick left with him, I can totally see him saying, “Oh Nick’s leaving too? Phew, ok then. No biggie. Back to welding I go!”


They head to Ireland and we find out visiting Dublin has always been on her bucket list because it has pubs and churches. Lord help us. They get to Dublin and they get to shack up in the very fancy, very Irish Radisson. The first one-on-one date is with Nick, and Shawnie pants is NOT pleased. I’m watching him like a ticking time bomb.

Nick is excited about his date. He says, “Looks like I just got lucky in Dublin.” So right here, I could make a joke about “Yeah Nick will be saying that again in a few minutes”, BUT ITS SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE and I’m SO OVER this show.

Nick and Kaitlyn walk all over the place just friggin mauling each other’s mouths. It’s truly almost uncomfortable to watch. I get it – I’ve been there before. You can’t keep your hands off each other. And it’s normal to bang someone you’re dating. I don’t bash her for making out or having sex…but I just think if it was me and I was on TV, knowing that not only my parents were watching but all the other dudes, I might just censor a bit more. I don’t know. I think she’s horny and doesn’t think things through and a tad dumb, but I truly don’t hate on her too much. I do hate on this show though – it’s just always the same and it never really works out in the end and the lame group dates are enough to push me over the edge.

WE GET IT SHE HATES BIRDS. Nick says, “So we’re probably never going to a park again.” Seriously, I like him. How is that possible? I don’t love him and I don’t want him naked on top of me, but he’s coming across as much less smarmy than he did last season. Isn’t that weird? I can’t explain it. He’s kind of funny and normal-ish.

Nick claims, “We’re drawn to each other, so I’m excited to see where this goes. Or maybe I should say, I’m excited to see where my penis goes in about an hour. Zing!”

They walk around Dublin getting wasted and fondling each other and it sounds like an awesome day, actually. They do some Irish dancing and the street people are not happy with them. Nick then pins her against a wall and jams his penis into her hip. Good lord.

This does not look safe.

I think Kaitlyn’s oval shaped teeth bother me.

Their dinner conversation:

Nick: Slurp slurp slurp I’m DYING to get my penis in you
Kaitlyn: I knooooow. Slurp, slurp, slurrrrrrp.

That’s it, seriously. She gives him the rose and then…her vagine.

She blatantly makes the first move, asking him to come to her hotel room. Once in the room, she walks him into the private bedroom, where she oddly doesn’t turn off her microphone? That seems like an odd oversight. She is heavily breathing and they play that sound, at the same time as Jared and Shawn talking by the fire about how sad they are.

Nick leaves the next morning and she’s all smiley and talking to herself on the balcony. She’s pretty forthcoming about the fact they had sex. At least she’s not being all dumb and trying to hide it. However, I do not comprehend how she’s not the slightest bit worried about how the guys will react when they see this episode. She begins to freak about the possibility of Nick telling the other guys THAT DAY, but hello? What about once you’re engaged, most likely to someone else, and then he watches this? She can’t think two feet in front of her vagine.

Nick tells the guys about their date, leaving out all the details about his tongue play, his dry humping against pillars and the actual vagine penetration. However, I suspect all the guys know the truth. I mean, they HAVE met her before…

Group Date 

Group date is for Tanner, Ben Z, Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris. Is there a shortage of things to do in Dublin? So they have to pretend Kaitlyn is dead? And make toasts to her in a casket? This might be the dumbest fucking idea of them all.

I didn’t hear the requirement that the toasts had to rhyme, but whatever. The guys do a somewhat funny job, but I’m just annoyed in general now. Ben Z asks the guys to leave and does a nice, somber-ish toast to Kaitlyn. He admits it was hard for him because his mom died a tragic death when he was young. Kaitlyn says, “I wanted this date about death to be light-hearted and FUN. I had no idea it would be sad for someone whose mom died. Geesh, he’s such a buzz kill.”

The after party is boring. Ben Z bonds with her, Jared kisses her awkwardly, but somehow earns the rose. She takes him to a special concert in a church by the Cranberries, and I realize I hate this song every bit as much as I did 25 years ago.

After that, Shawnie gets dangerously close to a full-fledged breakdown. He leaves the group and bonds with a producer of some sort. He says, “You’re the guy I talk to most around here.” Wait, what? They go get beers with the crew? What the fuck? That seems like a violation of some sort. So Shawn tells him that Kaitlyn sat on his bed for seven hours and told him that he was The One. Soooo…I have questions. Why didn’t they show ANY of that? Why would she say that to him? Why are they just SITTING on the bed? Have you ever SAT on a bed before for an extended period of time? It seriously hurts your back. They should’ve just laid down and humped too.

Anyhoo, Shawn tells the guy he’s super pissed and doesn’t think he could handle it anymore. He can’t handle this and he doesn’t even know Kaitlyn and Nick banged? How will he handle the fantasy suite? By the way, the more he gets all sad and weepy about this, the less I want him naked on top of me.

He gets secret producer permission to visit her in her sex den. He walks in and they greet each other all nice-like (very unlike the previews where he storms in and says, “Don’t you know what we have?!” Fucking producers, seriously.)

So they are sitting on the couch and he’s about to tell her how hard this is for her…but it’s the end of the show. I’ll just tell you what happens next week. He’ll get all weepy, and she’ll convince him to hang in there and it’ll be worth it in the end. Then they’ll make out and he’ll walk out and say, “She really comforted me and made me feel confident in what we have.” Bleeeeeah.

The end. See you next week, friends!


  1. hi jen- i love your recaps, as always! although, i can really identify with turning 40, and wondering what is important enough to keep and to concentrate on, and what to let go of so that i can start new things.

    on another note- i've always though nick was really attractive, albeit young (and seedy). he is just my type, i guess. if i were 25-30 and i met him, he probably would have charmed the pants off of me too! and he IS coming off normal-ish this season, isn't he? despite being a fame whore..

  2. I was looking forward to your recap, knowing it would be great. You never disappoint. I would not be surprised if Kaitlyn and Shawn did a lot more than talk in the 6-7 hours they spent in her room, and she probably did tell him he's "the one." That could explain why he's as invested as he seems to be.

    Shawn probably thought all he had to do was wait it out as Kaitlyn sent home all the filler guys. Then Nick shows up, and Kaitlyn really seems be into him. Oops.

  3. I agree with both posts above... and also, I saw a shot of her "talking to herself" on the balcony, there was one second right about 30 minutes till the end of the show where you see the arm of the producer she was talking too, they probably didn't mike her, but I bet they did have one of those boom mic thingees pointing at her face. I held one of those mics in a golf tournament for ESPN once, I had to hold it toward Tiger Woods face to catch anything he might say to his caddie... so I'm totally an expert, wink. keep up the recaps, I know it is painful!! I now watch while I'm doing my household chores so I miss a lot of it. The Jared thing was so awful, you can see her pulling her lower body away the whole time she's kissing him... poor guy, or do you really thing he knows, and he's just gunning for the bachelor? so hard to tell...

  4. Was I the only one that was grossed out by Nick's stack, beaded bracelet??

    1. yes!! like a 10 year old at summer camp??

  5. Was I the only one that was grossed out by Nick's ridiculously tight green pants?! Leprechan much?

    1. It always looks like he paints his pants on.... soooo not a good look.

  6. It was crazy how much of a jerk Ian was! He talks about how intellectual he is and Stanford yadda yadda but it was obvious to me he is a narcissist who wanted on this show so he could be the next bachelor. He's dropping all these "hints" in the cab about what a great bachelor he'd be, so much better than the bachelorette Kaitlyn was being, and how the girls would be lining up for him. Wow really? You think they will line up after your speech? It's like, he thought he'd do what Allie did to Juan Pablo, calling him out. First of all he should wait until he's one of the final three. Secondly, she needed to be doing more than dating lots of people on the show and kissing them etc. Third, he's an idiot, because he's all like "I need to have sex!" while he's still on camera! Hello, how shallow do YOU sound now? I think he is a deep thinker in his own mind.

  7. Ugh, another week, not enough guys leaving...

    Thank god for you recaps Jen, they have been better than the show for some time now.

    Another week of Kaitlyn gleefully sticking her tongue in everyone's mouth, oh well.