Tuesday, June 30, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap – Off Camera Time = On Vagine Time

I don’t know if Kaitlyn’s vagine can handle much more “off-camera” time. Her brain can’t handle it either – she’s losing her mind, no?

OK we’re down to nine guys: Ben H, Shawn, Nick, Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben Z., and Tanner. A text from a friend tells me this: They all look like cartoons - they are oddly colored and have giant faces and huge weird hair. How accurate is that?

We left off last week with crybaby Shawn coming into her room to demand why she is kissing other guys when she’s part of a show that is ABOUT kissing a lot of guys. The best part is watching Kaitlyn squirm – she’s terrified that Nick has been waving his penis’ latest antics around the guys’ hotel suite. She’s freaked that Shawn knows about her Nick-banging. When she realizes he doesn’t know, she is so relieved. What is wrong with her? They’ll find out when they WATCH this show, dingbat. If she’s with Shawn, he is NOT going to be pleased.

Shawn tells her that he doesn’t know if he can do this. He is 100% bluffing. If she said, “You’re right. This is too hard for you. You should go.” He’d be all, “I was kidding! Hahaha! I love you don’t dump me I love you.”

She’s feeling bad about humping Nick but she thinks it wasn’t a mistake. She’s guilty about doing it but she’s not sad she did it. That’s the same thing, lady. You shouldn’t have banged Nick and you shouldn’t have TOLD Shawn he was the winner. She makes a lot of dumb moves. She can’t think past her lady boner.

Two on One Date 

JJ and Joe get the two-on-one date. This date is always for the two guys she could lose. She really wouldn’t care if either of them left. She describes JJ as attractive and edgy and I truly wonder if she’s lost her mind. Edgy? The only thing edgy on this show is Jared’s face. These guys are a bunch of pussies.

 My friend (on the left) sent me this halfway through the show. Ha.

No yachts in Ireland, yo. They take a shit ass fishing boat to…here? And park it, sort of.

We’ll just pull up here then? 

JJ hammers his own coffin shut when he admits he cheated on his wife three years ago…and he has a three-year-old daughter. That means he cheated on his wife when she was either pregnant or home with a newborn. I see why she divorced you. Not cool, JJ.

Joe, on the other hand, is adorable here, even with his big forehead. He tells her that she’s one-in-a-million (not sure if that’s meant in a good or bad way) and that he’s falling in love with her and then he chomps at her lips a little. I still dig him, even if one of my readers called him Butthead (from Beavis and Butthead). Just like I still think Shawn is hot even though someone called him Alf. Although Shawn was much hotter before he became a pussy. Take note men – confidence is sexy. Whining and demanding validation is not. That goes for chicks too.

He looks hot here, no?

Back to the date…she says goodbye to JJ who decides to plant the “I’d be a great Bachelor” seed in his exit. “I just want to find someone special. Sigh…” She gives Joe the rose.

Shawn is Sad...Again

Oh no, Shawn is sitting on a bench alone again.

He goes to Kaitlyn’s room AGAIN and I am almost physically assaulting my TV at this point. SHAWN – put your pussy away and suck it up.

So here’s the scoop…a few weeks ago she told Shawn that he was the one. Therefore, Shawn is annoyed because if that is the case, why are you kissing everyone else. So the mistake lies with Kaitlyn telling Shawn this. Also, WHY DID YOU BANG NICK IF YOU THOUGHT SHAWN WAS THE ONE? She is 18, I swear.

Shawn tells Kaitlyn he’s feeling insecure, and she’s thrilled he still doesn’t know about Nick. She gets a little pissy pants at his pussiness and tells him she shouldn’t have reassured him so much. She says that if they’re going to happen, she has to finish the show and meet other families, etc. She has a point. Too bad she didn’t think of that point before she humped Nick and told Shawn she would choose him.

Shawn sounds like Elvis when he talks.

Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony 

I’m so over this. She makes the rounds, doing one-on-one time with all of them and making out with ALL of them. Oddly Nick cries but I’m not sure about what. Ben H. also has complaints but neither Kaitlyn nor me or the entire viewing audience knows what exactly that is. There are some other conversations but it’s all the same shit. Let’s move on.

So JJ left earlier…Nick, Jared and Joe already have roses. The other three roses go to Ben H., Chris and Shawn.

Therefore, Ben Z. and Tanner head home. Tanner going home was a no-brainer, although I will miss his voice of reason. Maybe he could stay and be a commentator? I have no clue why she boots Ben Z before Dentist Chris. That’s just weird. Ben Z is hot. On the way out, he also turns on his Bachelor audition: “Having that forever love is everything to me. It’s the only thing I need. I just gotta find her…I’m trying. Sigh.”

Finally down to six guys, so I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

She meets the six remaining guys at a big green bus and tells them they’re making a road trip to Killarney. But Jared gets to ride in the Mini Cooper with Kaitlyn. Little does he know the bus is a LOT safer. She is a terror behind the wheel. Can she not judge the distance from the car to the curb? Is her vagina driving? We know her vagina lacks judgment, so it would make sense.

Jared feels like this is just a road trip with his girlfriend! Totally! I love those road trips when my boyfriend hops out at the end and bangs a few other guys.

They arrive at the Blarney Stone and kiss it for good luck. This is right up Kaitlyn’s alley! She even has to be on her back for it! (For the record, I don’t bash Kaitlyn for humping. I bash Kaitlyn for humping on a show when it fucks it all up when she humps one of them. And for telling one guy he was the chosen one and humping a different guy that same week. Basically, I don’t bash her vagine. I bash her decision-making skills)

Harrison is in Ireland! 

 Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she is going to narrow it down to three guys this week. He tells her it’s unfair she humped Nick without humping the others. So he’s going to give her fantasy suite dates with those three guys to level the playing field (her vagine). After she has “off-camera time” (aka on-vagine time) with the remaining three guys, she will meet two of their families. He basically wants to limit the number of families who have to be exposed to Kaitlyn. That was mean.

He tells the guys the news and then gives Chris the next date card (aka the execution card).

Chris Date 

This is such a formality – just a way to get rid of him. He says, “I feel so lucky she chose me for this date.” Um you shouldn’t.

He claims what’s happening with Kaitlyn is as close to magic as you can get. How can he be so delusional? The date is painfully awkward. She eases the awkwardness by kissing him before she boots him. Odd decision. Again.

Eventually, she tells him to go. She makes it ALL about her, saying he’s perfect but she just doesn’t feel it. She tells him that he’s everything she wants in someone but she doesn’t fully see it and she doesn’t know why. I know why: It’s because she can’t picture him naked on top of her.

Chris is SAD and almost decides to end it all by jumping off the Cliffs of Moher. A lady producer sort of steps in, but dentist pulls it together. Sort of.

Previews for next week: Guess what? She’s STILL FUCKING TALKING about her “mistake” with Nick. They edit it like she tells the guys she humped Nick. She doesn’t, I’m sure. Just editing to make us watch because this season sucks the big one. The good news is we’re down to five guys!

I am getting more excited for Bachelor in Paradise, though. August 2nd premiere!


  1. Yup, I agree with pretty much everything you wrote here. Kaitlyn is supposed to be 30?? Are there other 30 year olds out there who are acting like this? Pretty embarrassing. Also embarrassing was Shawn's neediness, although I kind of get it if someone told you you were "the one." However, someone also told you that you were the one after knowing you for only a few weeks, so...perspective.

  2. Thank you so much for taking the bullet for me each week. I dvr it and fast forward through the crying, most humiliating group dates, crying, kissing, her monologues and humping.....which makes the whole thing about 10 minutes. You catch me up in a much more humorous way.

  3. We know her vagina lacks judgment, so it would make sense. - LOL!!

  4. Just...sigh. I was totally Team Kaitlyn during her title bout with Britt, but now .. just ewww. Nick is so disgusting, I can barely look at him. I hate to agree with anything a-hole Ian said, but she really is coming across and dumb and shallow. I thought maybe I'd just had enough of this entire show to the point that I couldn't laugh at it anymore, but now I think maybe it's just her that I'm over.

  5. I'm noticing a QUITE annoying pattern here, which is that EVERY. SINGLE. WEEk, she is crying or there is drama or emotional-ness at the rose ceremony. If that shit happens for a week or two, fine, but when we are 8 weeks in and every single time there is something going on, that's a problem. and WHY, oh WHY do these guys feel the need to make it even MORe dramatic at each cocktail party? why not actually get to know each other, make each other laugh, have fun, etc etc, instead of making it all about their damn insecurities and drama? yeesh, I can't handle it. She sucks.

  6. What she did to Chris was really quite cruel. Why on Ireland's green earth would you break up with someone on a FREAKING CLIFF. Then get in the helicopter and LEAVE him there?? Seriously! I understand that she just wasn't feeling it. I have dated guys that meet my "list" of criteria but I just wasn't into them. But you ask the questions, so you know for sure. Have a nice picnic, friendly and kind and not flirtatious. Go back in the helicopter. Then pull him aside in the mansion and say how great he is but let's just be friends. Of course that's not as dramatic so maybe this is what the producers like to do, and say you have to break it off here, on this cliff, it's in your contract, see the tiny print?? Poor Chris. I hope he can meet someone who thinks he's the hottest dentist ever.

  7. Goodness what a terrible episode. It was basically the Shawn Show. Every time Kaitlyn moves, he's there sitting in her hotel room complaining and whining.
    I find it absolutely hilarious that Cupcake Chris said at the end that he doesn't think Kaitlyn is ready (for whatever). SHOTS. WERE. FIRED.

  8. I agree with Chris that Kaitlyn doesn't seem ready. I think she thought she was ready for marriage but she's keeping all these guys around and not getting so serious with them (the Nick thing was purely sex for her, she isn't sure about him in other ways) and that's why Harrison had to come in and be like...you can't keep them all Kaitlyn. He said you have to cut them to three, then you have to sleep with them all, then go meet families. I have a feeling that whomever Kaitlyn chooses, the engagement will not last, if she even says yes. That's why she had all those speeches to the guys about how she was looking for a husband and they needed to straighten up, etc....she was projecting, saying to them what someone needed to say to her, because she is NOT ready. As I watched the episode tonight I had that thought, then when Chris said it, I was like ok I'm not the only one who noticed. She's going to have real trouble letting any of the rest of them go because she wants to play the field...and have it plowed.

  9. Kaitlyn may be ready for marriage, but her vagine sure is not with the program...

    She is like a kid in a candy shop, but one who is stupid enough to cry about getting a free 'sample'.

    I am with Jen on this one, she should just keep her freakin mouth shut and this self-made drama should just fade away...except for being on nationwide TV. Oh well, I am sure there is someone in Borneo who may take her marriage talk seriously.

    Let's face it, Kaitlyn is just a moron.

    They must have spent all the budget bucks just to get to Ireland and for Chris' executive suite, so the shit ass fishing boat will have to do I guess.

    This show is seriously sucking fumes.

    BIP here we come!


    P.S. the shirt looks way better on your friend! Nicer smile too.