Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Warning - Angry Recap Ahead

I’m dying here, people. This is PAINFUL. And I want to punch Kaitlyn in the head. She just wants to make out and hump. She’s the tiniest bit trashy, no?

She confronts Clint and he talks his way into her good graces. However, the editors dub in the words, “I’m done” and she walks him out. Some seriously shitty editing – this show is such a fucking joke.

She walks Clint out and passes all the guys. JJ turns on Clint and asks him to apologize for wasting everyone’s time. Clint is pissed and I’ve never seen so much sexual tension between two men as they fight. Could they BE standing any closer to each other? My god. They are both super gay and super nauseating.

Where will my penis park itself tonight if Clint isn't here?


They bicker in the hallway and I’m convinced they’re about to make out. But Clint leaves and JJ cries like a little bitch. He’s definitely in love with Clint. He is definitely sexually confused. He also slaps himself, which is odd. Everyone then comes down on JJ for throwing his buddy Clint under the bus. Everyone hates JJ.

Kaitlyn decides not to have a rose ceremony, which is so stupid. Are we EVER getting rid of these guys? They head to New York.


Group Date #1 

The first group date is for Jonathan (boy band), Justin (overly muscular), Ben Z (mama like), Corey (nerdy financial guy), Ryan (I fear he’s a big dork), Tanner (smart and cute, but not naked-on-top-of-me cute), JJ (gross-o-rama), Shawn (Alf lookalike – I didn’t say it, but it’s not far off. I still want to hump him)

Were you born in a barn? Get your feet off the damn coffee table. Geesh. 


“Kaitlyn? Hi it’s producer Bob. Before today’s date, we need you to take a boat ride. We feel we’re missing some footage of you with your hair blowing in the wind. Mmmm kay?”

Kaitlyn says this date will show her if the guys can make fun of themselves. For the fucking love of God, haven’t they made enough fun of themselves? This shit is so ridiculous. You guys, I think we need to boycott this show.

Scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas – Doug E. Fresh hosts a rap battle and I host a throwing shit at my TV battle because I hate this show. The guys write one-sentence roasts against the other guy they’re battling. It’s not funny or entertaining at all. But Shawn flashed his abs so that was nice. And we learned JJ listens to “Broadway show tunes religiously.” I mean, come on. Let’s just hammer the gay nail into the coffin already.

Nick is in the audience. Kaitlyn is BEYOND giddy when she sees him. I hate her. Despite the fact they’ve never met in person or talked on an actual phone before, Nick claims they always had good conversations. Ummm, via text? I hate them both. But it turns out she can decide if he joins the show or not. Of course he will. Another dude to keep her vagine company.

The rap battle after-party is on a boat and she does a horrible job explaining to the guys that another dude might join the “cast”. She says she just wants to talk to the guys about it. What a fucking idiot. What does she THINK they’d say? Why would they want another dude on there? Well, JJ might. But this is clearly a decision she has to make and then she just has to tell the guys. Come on.

She goes outside to make out with Pube Head, Nick and I’m now running angry laps around my living room. GRRRRRRRR. Side note: If Nick ends up the winner of this show, I guaran-fucking-tee that never, in a million years, will they get married.

Justin tells her it’s OK with him if Nick comes back on the show. So he gets the rose. OMG.

The guys get back to the hotel suite and tell the other guys about Nick. Tanner says that it creates a raincloud. You know what creates a raincloud for me? Tanner saying that something creates a raincloud. Gross, dude.

Before her next date, she gets her hair done by crazy Ashley from last season who is wearing more makeup than I’ve actually ever seen placed on a human face before. Also, is this an attempt to normalize her? She’s acting stoned. She brings up the good point of lust being fleeting, so I’ll give her that but she looks like she’s strongly medicated.

 "I'm sorry, I have a hard time following. I'm drugged like a circus elephant."


After her hair thing, Kaitlyn meets Nick again in the street for some tongue play and tells him to stay on the show. Shocking.


Jared Date 

Cute, young Jared with his pointy teeth has to rub one out before his date with Kaitlyn or he’s likely to expunge his sperm all over the Met. He is THAT excited to be with her. She of course, is only thinking about Nick, but somehow finds the energy to pretend she likes Jared.

He writes her a poem. No no no no no no no no. This is SO not attractive. He reads it to her, but it sort of sounds like he’s reading assembly instructions for an IKEA bed. Very informational-like.

After dinner, they take a helicopter ride that apparently only circles the Statue of Liberty for a few hours. Jared claims this is the night he’ll look back and say he fell in love with Kaitlyn. Oh boy. She gives him the rose and he has an orgasm on it. Not really.


Group Date #2 

Before the next group date, she tells all the guys about Nick. She says to them, “Nick will be moving into my vagine tonight. Oops, I mean he’s moving into the hotel room tonight. My bad! Hahahah! I totes didn’t mean to say that. He’ll be moving into the hotel tonight. He’s not moving into my vagina until tomorrow.”

The second group date is for Ian (black-ish, ex-runner), Chris (overly smiley and nerdy dentist), Joe (Southern guy I like for some reason), Joshua (hot welder but totally immature) and Ben H. Peter Brady).

Apparently, theater is a big part of Kaitlyn’s life. Despite the fact this has never, ever been uttered by her and it’s not actually true, they needed a Broadway date. ONCE AGAIN, the show humiliates the guys by forcing them to sing and dance as an audition, despite the fact their parts in the play tonight include zero singing or dancing. Or talking at all. Or moving.

Kaitlyn is impressed, saying, “The guys show me time after time that they’ll do whatever it takes.” Umm, because you’re forcing them to do it?

They all suck. Ian actually says these words. They actually come out of his mouth: “I’m a man of many talents and singing is one of them.” WHY WHY WHY would you ever say anything remotely like this? Ever? Chris is oddly declared the winner.

Back at the hotel room, the guys are STILL talking about Nick. This is truly the longest episode ever. STOP talking about it. My god.

Chris and Kaitlyn make out backstage a little and they win for least sexual chemistry in a kiss EVER. Anywhere. Ever. They finally go on stage for their 10 second, non-speaking parts. Afterwards, Chris claims, “You were perfect!” Yeaaah, so a houseplant could have played that part. They finish the date with a sweaty hike up 50 stories to the New Years Eve ball, which is in storage and could use a polish, quite frankly.

Back at the hotel Nick comes in the door, but of course we have to wait until next week to find out how that goes. Also, I’m SO SAD there was no rose ceremony this week. When will it all end? Don’t we have to narrow it down at some point? Shit, we just keep adding guys. At this rate, Kaitlyn’s vagine won’t be able to handle this season.

The end. Britt and Brady still together, and I love it because it proves what a sham this show really is. Me need a drink. See you next week!

15 comments:

  1. I was so bored by this episode, but your take on it entertained me! Thanks!

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  2. "At this rate, Kaitlyn’s vagine won’t be able to handle this season." OMG, best line ever. And worst season ever. This may be the end of the Bachelor road for me.

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    1. I vehemently agree! Best and most accurate line ever!

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  3. I was so angered by this episode and really wanted to throw things! And I couldn't handle the dentist auditioning for the Broadway show!!

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  4. This season is not interesting, but your recaps are always worthwhile. I thought the same thing about Ashley's makeup. Even for television, I could believe how much was caked on her face. Yikes. And what happened to Kaitlyn's hairstyle? When she was out on the street later, it looked nothing like it did in the evening on the Met date.

    I'm liking Kaitlyn less each week, and I never saw anything attractive about Nick. Those two deserve each other.

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    1. Oops. That was "couldn't" as in "couldn't believe" how much makeup she was wearing.

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  5. LMAO! I look forward to the bachelorette every Monday so I can read the recap here!! JJ is a total twat! I want to punch him in his weird mouth.
    And Nick! "Pube Head" <---- hahahahahaha! Hated him on Andi's season...still hate him! His hair looks like the sponge I scrub the dishes with!
    Thank you for the weekly laughs! Keep 'em coming!!

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  6. The most tolerable person on this show is the elevator operator on Nicks dramatic ride to meet the hyenas....
    Also, Chris said "I'm ALADDIN"?!?? Are they all gay?

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  7. Kaitlyn is a fucking child - my God how can a 30-year old person be so damn annoyingly childish? Has she never had a job or serious relationship or any parenting what-so-freaking-ever?!

    "I'm Kaitlyn - I'll fuck anyone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to me"

    "I just wanted tonight to be fun - I didn't want any drama or stress"

    "I can't make up my mind on anything so let's just put off any difficult decisions so I can continue to live my childish existence without having to think about who I am or what I want to be when I grow up"

    hip-hop? really? you are a 30-year old honky from Canada for Christ sake - pretty sure you've never had to join a gang, hustle drugs to survive, or deal with any racial discrimination

    Aladdin was fucking perfect for this 12-year-old

    so.fucking.annoying.

    and that was before Pube-Head showed up! good Lord what do you have to do to get booted off this show? so far she's booted the totally abusive drunk, the amateur sex coach, a couple dudes who were there for Britt and the psycho from this week (JJ's boyfriend) - JJ and now Pube Head are still there for fuck sakes- pretty much tells you all you need to know about Kaitlyn

    there are actually a few good dudes there - for now - my guess is the good guys are going to bail very soon - and now we see why Kaitlyn is still single

    please for the love of God figure out who you are and what you want in life - good dudes aren't going to waste their time on your childish bullshit much longer

    ok - rant over - Jen, the producers are really challenging your abilities to overcome their lameness this season - but my money is on you!

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  8. As usual your recap is spot on and had my husband and I laughing hilariously. I can't believe Pube Head is back. GAG! I don't get Kaitlyn anymore and I'm Canadian. She's quite the little whore and can't seem to make up her mind about anything except when to boot someone off. The whole sequence of her telling the guys about Nick ... like where are their balls ... walk out on HER! But oh no ... there is the trip around the world. JJ and Clint omg lol lol and JJ decks himself ... LMAO ... is he into BDSM and a masochist???? They all need a good riding crop to their butts. Nick I want to slap silly. Kaitlyn I want to slap a good one too. And the bachelors ... don't put up with this shit! Worse season ever. I am pretty insulted the producers think we are going to swallow this stuff. I have a hard time not falling asleep during the show. Maybe I should just give up on it and read your blog. Way more funny and less painful.

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  9. sorry - rant not over

    there is a huge difference between being open, honest and mature about sex and acting like slutty teenager rebelling against your parents - I gave her the benefit of the doubt at first since she's 30...but not any more

    never thought I'd miss Britt but I think watching her mind fuck a bunch of horny dudes would have been much less annoying than this shit

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    1. Amen to that brother.

      All I can think is that we now have a female version of Juan Pablo,

      At least we now know one graduate of the Velvet Jones School of Technology!

      tmj

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  10. Does anyone else think Joe looks like Chris Kattan's monkey character, Mr. Peepers?

    And Corey has to be older than 30, right? There's no way he's that young.

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  12. I love Tuesdays to read you blog, don't go!

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