Tuesday, June 16, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Ian Sucks but Shawn does not. Mama Like.

Let’s first address Chris and Whitney. People have asked me what I think? Shit, I don’t know. I don’t know these two. My guess is that he turned into a bit of a douche bag when he thought he was famous on Dancing with the Stars. But there was no way he was humping his dance partner – she was too young and hot. Also, he never really liked Whitney anyway. She was his second choice so it wasn’t going to be long until that died.

People have also been asking me about the Kaitlyn snapchap drama. For the record, I don’t even know what the shit snapchat is. But apparently this weekend, Kaitlyn accidentally posted a picture of her and a dude from the show in bed. She quickly deleted it but people took screenshots and reposted it. Don’t Google it or you’ll see the possible winner. The question is…was that the winner and she really is that stupid or is it all a stunt? We will see.

Onto the show. Nick walks himself into the guys’ hotel suite and does this:

Gee, that’s not staged at all. It’s Awkward City. The guys grill him and most of them hate him. Actually, Shawn and Joshua hate him, and the rest of the guys probably don’t care but it’s edited so it looks like they all hate him. Dare I say it, but Nick is actually coming across as…sincere? Holy moly.

Cocktail Party 

“The Citi Field? Great idea! Oh wait, it’s 20 degrees out? Whatever. It’ll be funny to watch the guys freeze!”

JJ runs the bases with her and he certainly doesn’t need to worry about tripping on his pant legs, as his pants end about six inches above his ankle. Also, he still sort of nauseates me.

Shawn and Kaitlyn have a chit chat and he is NOT pleased. He claims this whole Nick thing is making him crawl back into his shell. Dudes don’t usually say things about crawling into shells. But because I friggin love him, I will forgive him. Kaitlyn says to trust her and he says her actions aren’t lining up with her words. That’s pretty spot on. I do kind of agree that if she really liked those dudes, she wouldn’t keep wanting to see more of what’s out there. Or maybe this is just called being 26 and nobody on the show is ACTUALLY ready to get married. Just a thought.

Rose Ceremony 

So last week, Clint was kicked out and Nick was brought in. So we haven’t gotten rid of anyone. Basically nobody since the show started five weeks ago.

Justin, Jared and Chris already have roses. The rest go to:

Ben H. – Peter Brady
Ben Z. – Hulk. But I like.
Shawn – My future second husband.
Tanner – Kind of cute, kind of nerdy, kind of annoying.
Joe – There’s something super sexy about him. I don’t know.
Ian – Asshole who thinks he’s much more amazing than he really is.
JJ - Short pants, gay, missing Clint and still yucky.
Joshua – cute welder who acts like he’s in high school
Nick – Reentry dude. Formally banged Andi.

Therefore the following three guys get sent home. There are still too many guys:

Corey – Nerdy Banker
Jonathan – Boy bander
Ryan – A realtor maybe? He wore gay scarves.

Good lord, is that 12 guys remaining? How are we going to wrap this up in five weeks? Maybe there will be a group revolt when she humps that mystery guy?

Ben H. Date 

They all head to San Antonio, and Kaitlyn’s first date is a one-on-one date with Ben H. Kaitlyn picks him up and they drive through town to an old dance hall. Kaitlyn is all, “I love Texas, y’all! It’s sort of Mexican but we’re in Texas! I like tacos!”

They take dance lessons from the world champion of the two-step, which apparently isn’t a title that forces you to be busy, since she teaches dorks how to dance on a reality show. Ben H. doesn’t even look at Kaitlyn when they dance and I’m BORED, people.

They dance, they get eliminated and there seems to be very little connection here. Kaitlyn says, “If we don’t have good chemistry on the dance floor, then…I don’t know.” They don’t exactly TRY to make her look smart, do they?

At dinner later on, he tries to bond with her about his ex and I don’t really follow the story…but I THINK he was a total whipped pussy. He actually seems like that guy – the guys who seems all normal and cute and then you date him and he goes a little cling-balls on you.

She makes out with him and gives him the rose. Shocker.

Group Date 

This week’s humiliating group date is for Justin, Jared, Ian, Chris, Tanner, Joe, JJ, Ben Z, Joshua and Nick. If I were one of these dudes, I would seriously consider telling the producers to fuck off. Enough with the embarrassing dates – I bet even the producers are bored with them.

It turns out the guys have to write and sing mariachi songs to Kaitlyn, while wearing the outfit, in front of an entire town of people. 12-year-old Sebastian is quite the little love machine. Despite his suave-ness, I definitely do not want him naked on top of me.

I dig Joe’s “Will you mariachi me?” line, and Nick’s voice is so horrendous that it’s funny. JJ, Jared and everyone else sucks. This includes Ian, who oddly continues to sell himself as a singer. Is he fucking serious? For real, he is terrible. Terrible.

At the “everyone wear plaid” after-party, Joshua asks Kaitlyn to cut his hair. Apparently, she is not qualified to do this.

Joshua makes the age-old Bachelor mistake of taking his one-on-one time to bash on another dude. He tells Kaitlyn that everyone hates Nick. She runs to the group and tells them what Joshua said. He is mortified…and more so when everyone acts like they don’t know what he’s talking about. They totes just hung him out to dry. Also, Joshua is cute, but he acts like a 16-year-old high school boy who has never had a girlfriend.

Also, Joshua likes to refer to his “male intuition”. I’ve never heard of that before. Isn’t that just code for penis? So his penis is telling him Nick is a bad dude?

Shawn Date 

They kayak around San Antonio, which just looks tiring, honestly. And Kaitlyn hates it because her tongue needs to be in another dude’s mouth every three minutes or she starts to twitch and that’s hard to do on a kayak.

They make out in the grass. Then they get showered and make out on a porch swing. Shawn opens up to her by telling her about a big car accident he had. He even cries about it. He then tells her he’s falling in love with her. She says she is too. I am too. And I want him naked on top of me STAT.

Cocktail Party 

Kaitlyn toasts to honesty…we’ll see how you feel about that toast next week when you hump someone and lie about it. There’s no way she really tells the guys about that, right?

The whole cocktail party is about Ian. He says Kaitlyn isn’t as hot as his ex. He says he has a lot of sex in regular life and never has a problem getting girls. He’s a very eligible bachelor. He’s a gift you unwrap for life. He’s a Princeton grad and he defied death. He’s smart and he’s traveled the world.

Here’s my take on Ian. He’s a fucking asshole. His ego is a little bruised because Kaitlyn doesn’t like him, so he dumps her before she can do it. He needs to tear her down in the process to make himself feel better. I don’t give a shit about his education or his athletic ability, or his travel ability. I don’t care that he’s successful. And I tell my kids this - More than anything, I want them to be happy, kind and fun to be around. Ian is none of these things. And Kaitlyn bugs me, but I would rather live with her for the rest of my life than fucking Ian with his big Princeton brain, but an asshole attitude, fake confidence and zero-fun personality.

He pulls Kaitlyn aside and tells her he hates making fart jokes with dudes. This alone makes me hate him. Way to have FUN, dude. Fucking relax. He says she only wants to make out with guys and that he sees her as a surface level person. He says, “I wonder if you’re really that shallow.” I wonder if Ian is really that much of an asshole. If he was a catch - a nice, kind and fun guy, he would never need to tear her apart like that. He’d just leave with quiet confidence. Instead, he tries to lift himself by being a dick to her. I bet he only bangs lame girls in real life. If a girl is a real catch – fun to be with and nice, she would be bored by his fucking douche bag attitude and lack of personality.

Look, Kaitlyn isn’t curing cancer. But fuck, neither am I. You don’t have to be super smart or accomplished or traveled to be a nice, fun person. Kaitlyn’s got some annoyances, but she’s way better than Ian.

You guys seriously, I’m barely funny anymore – I’m just all soapbox-y and lecture-y. Is it because I’m 40 now? Fuck! No, I’ll blame this shitty show and this rough season. Until next week, people!


  1. "I’ll blame this shitty show and this rough season."

    Yep. It is worse than Juan Pablo.

  2. You're still funny at 40. Just saying.

  3. No, it's not because you're 40, Jen. It's because the show itself is old. The format. The humiliating dates. The "for the right reasons." And the producers know it, which is why they're upping the trash factor this season. Something had to change because the idea of actually finding real, lasting love on this show has become comical. But the idea of finding people to screw and then dump has become more realistic, apparently. If I were the Bachelorette, however, I'd be picking carefully who I choose to exchange mouth fluids with. People can call Kaitlyn liberated, modern, whatever. She comes off as "loose" to me.

  4. Still so funny, love reading your recaps, please don't joke about quitting writing them, they are way too entertaining!!

  5. You forgot about Ian saying "I'd be a great bachelor", I almost vomited up my smoothie. That guy was only there to try to be the Bachelor, reminded me of that weird Ryan guy in Emily's season, only he had a funny personality, but he definitely thought he was god's gift to women in the same way. I can't handle Shawn's stoner dumb guy mannerisms, so I'm not wanting him naked on top of me, nope. Ben Z maybe. The snapchat video definitely gives it away, and makes the season so boring now, but I will watch it to torture myself. I want a smarter bachelorette y'all- like Ashley H.

  6. +10 for "clingballs"! Love your recaps, Jen! My husband and I both watch the show excited to see what you're going to mention! You're so right about Ian. If he was a kind and fun guy, he wouldn't have shredded into her like that. He knew he was about to get cut from the Kaitlyn team so he decided to eviscerate her. I guess they didn't teach common sense when he was at Princeton (he probably dropped the class because it seemed surface level). Does he think women across the country are going to be cheering him on when they run into him out on the town? Good luck, brah!

  7. Jen - your recaps are still great, it's the show that sucks royally! I have trouble keeping my girlfriend in front of the TV this season, even with adequate adult beverages on hand, yuck.

    It also dawned on me that the definition for "all the right reasons" was changed by the producers, so that you can be on the show for all the "right" reasons now, but they now consist of obsessive making out, sex, unmanly whining, sophomoric dates and building your "brand" to extend your fifteen minutes of reality fame.

    When the boys start bitching, we need Don Corleone to enter stage right and say "What's the matter with you? Is this what you've become, a Hollywood finocchio who cries like a woman? "Oh, what do I do? What do I do?" What is that nonsense? Ridiculous! "


    exit stage right...


  8. Was anyone else annoyed as hell at Kaitlyn's reaction to Shawn's car accident? She just drove me insane with her "what?" "are you serious" bullcrap as he was telling her such a serious story. Ugh. I just cringe when she speaks.

  9. My daughter noticed that halfway through the rose ceremony, Nick V is wearing a rose. Yet another phony ploy this horrendous season.

  10. I really want your take on the snapchat snafu!

  11. What do you mean you're not funny anymore? I read your last recap to my husband and he was laughing like the first time he saw my tortured face catching a whiff of his fart under the covers. Babe, you are always funny. Keep on keeping on!

  12. My manager and I read these recaps at work every Tuesday/Wednesday. Thanks for making our days brighter, Jen! I was dying with "clingballs". Spot on.

  13. Ian sucks balls. Talking about how hot your ex is (cool but she's not with you anymore, wonder why) and about how much sex you have is basically the exact opposite way to appeal to women. He reminds me of when a teenage boy asks for your number and then calls you a whore when you say no.

    Also, I've fast forwarded past the last few group dates (mariachi, rap battle and comedy club) because I can't take the second hand embarrassment. I bet I'm not the only one who is tired of watching these guys be humiliated. Reaaally wish the producers would rethink this nonsense.

  14. Yeah Jen you've definitely softened in your aged condition - could you tell us how you really feel about Ian? You should be pissed off at this season - it's shittier than ever! I told you it would be a challenge for you to overcome this season - just keep ripping people and we'll keep reading - that is when you're at your best/funniest!

  15. You are too funny! Do you recap other shows! Big brother or bachelor in paradise perhaps?

  16. Was anyone else bothered by the fact that Shawn somehow feels like that by telling her about his car accident, he was "opening up" to her? Shit, I've been in 2 car accidents, and got hit by a car when I was 11, and I don't feel closer to any of you. That being said, he's still adorable, and if he doesn't win, I would LIKE him to be the next bachelor because he's so cute and sweet, but at the same time, I'd love to preserve his sweet, cuteness and not be corrupted by evil hollywood and desperate bitches

  17. Love your recaps Jen, keep them coming! I really think it was highly immature of Kaitlyn to take what Joshua told her in private to the group of guys. Of COURSE they aren't going to say anything in front of the group! It reminded me of when Chris told the psycho "Isn't My Story Amazing" widow what the pretend virigin annoying blogger with fake eyelashes had said to him. Like do these people not have basic social skills? You don't tell person B what person A says to you, in confidence, about person B. (Unless of course you hate person A and love person B.) You take that information and either store it away and test its validity out on your own, or you individually ask other people about it. She's saying she wants "everything out in the open" but seriously, if she wants honesty, you don't throw it to a group like that. No one wants to be the asshole that speaks up and admits that he was complaining, too. Maybe she did that because she likes Nick WAAAAY too much. I don't get it, Nick seems like a whiney little bitch to me, but all these women like him so he must be different in person. Maybe he uses Axe spray that like, Axually works.

    1. Bingo!! So stupid and childish!

  18. I'm watching this week's episode and drinking vodka cranberry's to get through it, the bad news is I'm out of cranberry juice, the good news, I not out of vodka!!!! Is there enough vodka for this show?????