Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - I'm just happy it's over

Harrison – stop it with your “most shocking season finale” bullshit. We’re onto you. You’re full of shit and we all know it. She chose a guy and they got engaged – absolutely nothing shocking about it. Grrrr.

Is that a half shirt?

Nick Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Kaitlyn is happy to be back in Los Angeles. Mostly because of that sweet house she gets to bunk in. Also, being in LA means she got a fresh manicure and some darker hair. She’s chatting with her family who also get to play in that sweet house, and they ask her if she’s in love with two guys. She says yes and they reply, “Oh Katie…” Funny how two words perfectly sum up this show.

For some unknown reason, she TELLS her family that she banged Nick. I get that she’s not a kid anymore but you never ever ever ever tell your dad you have sex. When I told my dad I was pregnant, I started it off by saying, “I’m not sure how it happened, but…”

They’re oddly not surprised or interested in this news at all. Par for the course, perhaps? Kaitlyn’s mom is SUPER snazzy with those 1984 earrings but I appreciate her effort. She is NOT pleased that Nick is one of the final two because she has prejudged him based on last season. How RUDE to judge people based on what they only see on TV. Oh wait.

Nick mumbles and cries through his talk with Mom Leslie and once again, he’s really helping out his reputation from his last season. He’s coming across as nice and normal, minus the mumbling. Sister Haley tells us that she can’t see Kaitlyn with Nick because it’s out of the norm for her. For some reason, it’s comforting to me that Kaitlyn has a “norm”.

Leslie asks Nick to explain Kaitlyn’s sexual attraction to him and I miss the rest because I’m under my couch. I can’t, people. I can’t. We do not talk to parents about sex. Repeat after me. Never ever ever. I think I’m still scarred from the time my mom told me that my dad “was really neat” at having sex. I just threw up.

Nick convinces her parents he’s a good guy and they give him their blessing to propose. Besides the fact he cries too much and sounds like he always has salad in his mouth, I don’t hate him.

Shawn Meets Kaitlyn’s Family 

Leslie is concerned that Shawn is the jealous type. Wow you THINK? Yes, valid concern. Yup.

Leslie pulls Shawn away because she wants to talk to Shawn about her daughter’s intimacy with Nick. This marks the first time in six weeks I am truly excited about this show. YES YES YES Leslie! Go! ASK HIM how he feels about the fact his girlfriend fucked Nick in a sexual frenzy because she is SO attracted to him. DO it!

She brings it up and expresses her concerns saying that Kaitlyn is a big personality and people are drawn to her, and to her vagine. How will he handle that in the future? He says once they’re committed he won’t be jealous. I WANT to believe him but his overall demeanor of freaking out points to some confidence issue, no? That probably won’t subside.

Haley tells Kaitlyn that she’s “on team Shawn” and I decide I’m on Team Haley. Chick is fun and normal. Meanwhile, Shawn is on a fucking bender! He is SELLING himself hardcore here with lots of buzzwords about being “an established man” and “loving your daughter” and “not psycho” and matching shirts with Kaitlyn’s Dad.

Last Date with Nick 

THIS Date! Now we’re talking! Finally a yacht and champagne! Count me in! Ummm until I get sick watching them because the waves are so insane. Puke.

Nick raves about their incredible connection that “never seems to fade away.” Umm, over the last three weeks? Well done, you guys. Definitely stands the test of time. They head to dinner at some weird hobbit house, where Nick tells her he has a present for her and it’s in his bedroom. There are sooooo many joke possibilities here, ranging from, is it a Dick in the Box or Shawn’s decapitated head to his penis inside her vagine to a full-blown scrapbook, of course. So I’m just not going to make any joke at all.

Gift turns out to be a framed picture (a cute one, actually) with a horrendous poem? Words of some kind, I don’t know. I like it because it’s not a fucking scrapbook. And I REALLY hope it’s on her nightstand when Shawn comes over later.

Last Date with Shawn 

Shawn’s extreme monotone voice now bothers me. Why is this so awkward? She claims, “I wish I could be honest with him about what’s going through my head but I can’t or he’ll kill himself.” She didn’t say that. But for some reason, this is annoying, awkward city. Oh I know why…because she picks him and the producers are trying to make it seem like she doesn’t. Snooze.

He claims things are weird, and if he goes to bed with doubts then “There’s a good chance I won’t be getting down on one knee tomorrow.” Liar. If a hurricane blew through Los Angeles and Kaitlyn was humping Nick in the eye of the storm, you’d still propose. Wow I have no idea what that means.

They break through the weirdness and start talking about their possible life together. He says, “It will never not be fun with you.” Ummm not true. It will definitely NOT be fun sometimes. Kids these days! Did I just say that? Fuck I’m old! He ends the date by giving her a jar of shit.

Proposal Day

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Neil Lane! Neil Lane Who? Neil Lane need a new gig. You guys, seriously, I need to quit this shit.

Neil is there for Shawnie who chooses a big ass ring for Katie. He goes to visit Nick next, who is thrilled it’s Neil Lane coming to the door because last time he was expecting him but Andi showed up to dump him. Neil is clearly confused at Nick’s joy to see him. Nick then tells him this whole story and Neil’s face is all, “Why the fuck are you talking to me so much? Nobody has ever talked to me so much!”

Now they get ready and voiceover themselves about love and fear. Blah. First one out of the limo is….NICK.

He walks up to Kaitlyn and looks nervous and awkward and says some pretty amazing things. I’m yelling at my TV – DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE DO NOT LET HIM PROPOSE. She BARELY stops him, only grabbing his hands after he pulls the ring out. That’s brutal – no doubt the producers made her do that.

She cries a lot and apologizes and he’s NOT pleased. He says some smart-ish things here…like “nothing you can say would make me feel less confused.” And “I don’t want to hear it.” She thinks that if her decision was rational then it would somehow hurt less for him. Not true, so I’m sort of with Nick here. Just stop talking, Katie pants.

He also says it’s not fair for her to tell him that she felt the same way. AGREED Nick. Oh my god, do I love Nick now? Also, I’m crying…(Although I’m wondering if part of this is tears of joy this shit is over?) She walks him out and that flooring is creaky. In the limo, he tosses his rings at the producer and says he’s the world’s biggest joke. First of all, don’t flatter the show – the WORLD does not watch it. Second of all, you look WAY better than last season, no?

Shawn’s out of the limo next and has a super nice speech for Kaitlyn too, but it feels less awesome now that I know he wrote notes. Dork. She tells him she’s completely his and will always be faithful, blah blah blah. They love each other, he proposes, she accepts – the end!

After the Final Rose 

Fuck this, you guys. That was two hours of TV watching already and I had to stop and take two naps while WRITING this recap. I can’t recap this bullshit, too? Here are some highlights:

• Kaitlyn and Shawn are happy this shit is over and are apparently still in love
• Shawn kept his arm around her like she was a rabid hamster about to escape
• Kaitlyn rubbed a hole in his leg
• Nick again came across as normal and sad, but Harrison kept interrupting him because he blabbed on for too long
• If I was Nick, I would’ve kept talking about how awesome the sex was with Kaitlyn and what a panther she was in the sack. Just to see if Shawn could blow his top.
• I LOVE when Harrison asked Shawn if he hated Nick so much because he was threatened and jealous because Nick knew her first. He might as well have just looked at Shawn and said, “You were jealous and threatened by Nick because he knew her first.” Boom.
• Nick is mad at Kaitlyn for not stopping him BEFORE he said his entire proposal speech, because that was meant for someone else. Well, I hope you plan on tailoring the speech for the next one, right? It’s sort of one of those things that changes depending on the wife, right?
• Again, we’re talking about the pre-existing relationship. This is so fucking repetitive.

That was a shitty recap of the After the Final Rose, but it was really dumb. Not shocking at all – Shawn and Kaitlyn are happy and Nick is pissed, but fine. I’m pissed because this season was repetitive and annoying. But I’m happy because Bach in Paradise looks friggin bananas. But again I’m pissed that it might be five goddamn hours a week. Anyhoo – see you next week. Bach in Paradise apparently starts Sunday night and is on again Monday night, and then there’s an “After Paradise” special Monday night, too. For the love…



  1. Yes.... I noticed the half shirt, too! And up to that very moment, I could picture Nick on top of me naked. Then... nope.
    Don't ever stop recapping this ridiculous bunch of shows. You are seriously witty.

  2. Thanks for the entertainment! How anyone can watch this franchise without a serious dose of snark is beyond me.

  3. Your dad was "really neat" at having sex? That's hilarious and oh so AWKWARD.

  4. Laugh out loud, good shit!

    * is it a Dick in the Box or Shawn’s decapitated head

    * If I was Nick, I would’ve kept talking about how awesome the sex was with Kaitlyn and what a panther she was in the sack. Just to see if Shawn could blow his top.

  5. How could you not comment on how the producers are assholes for having Nick's family sit front row at AFR?!!! His poor little sister :(

  6. These recaps are way better than the actual show. Hilarious every week.

  7. I agree, Nick was completely rational and fair to be like, no, I don't want to keep hearing you talk, you're not going to make me feel better, I just want to go. He sounded quite mature, actually.
    Great recap, as usual. And if you haven't watched them on Jimmy Kimmel, that's a must. He makes them swear on a pile of tabloids that they're still going to be together in a year, or this was a huge waste of time and they both owe him a thousand dollars. And he goes dress shopping with Kaitlyn, and I have to say, the girl definitely has personality, and is far more fun than a lot of other doozies in the past.

    Well done, as usual. Can't wait for Bachelor in Paradise recaps (yikes).

  8. http://www.buzzfeed.com/alannabennett/time-to-break-it-off

    Haha saw this quiz and thought of you! This shit is getting old, but I just can't stop!

  9. Sooooooo thankful this season is finally over!

    Although this was your best recap yet. The part about telling your dad you were pregnant - ridiculous.

    Excited for BIP and your awesome take on them.

  10. So wonderful recap and so humorous too! Nothing boring about the way you write. Let us see how long Kaitlyn and Shawn will last... without a marriage or even with one. Shawn's dad said Kaitlyn is flighty. Should we add she itches there too often too? But they surely will make beautiful babies.