Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Bachelorette Recap - Shawn needs to put his vagine away

I’m sucking fumes at this point, people. And Shawn’s complete pussy-ness is such a fucking turn-off. Bring on Bachelor in Paradise.

OK We’re down to five guys - Nick, Shawn, Jared, Joe and Ben. They’re still in Ireland and although the place looks beautiful the weather looks like fucking disaster.

Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is. God even my jokes are tired at this point. Sigh.


Ben Date 

Kaitlyn and Ben have THE most boring date in Bachelorette history. I know I have said this before but I’m serious this time. They keep outdoing themselves on the boredom scale. They played hide and seek - the real version, not the sexual kind (hiding a penis in your vagine). THAT’S how bored they were.

She asks him if she looks like wife material. He almost chokes out the answer, “Ahem, umm, NO. Not in the slightest, actually. You’re a child, for fucks’ sake.” He didn’t say that.

He decides he wants to share with Kaitlyn what his biggest fear in life is. I immediately get a sense of foreboding. This doesn’t sound good, dude. I fear this will not make him look good. He spits it out: “My biggest fear is being unlovable”. Ohhhh nooooooooo. BEN. BEN, my GOD. Why do you think that’s attractive at ALL? “I’m so scared of not being loved! Waaaaaa!” I get it – we sort of all fear that, but the low self-esteem and desperation aren’t attractive.

Kaitlyn also panics that he’s a virgin and won’t bang her in the fantasy suite. He assured her that he’s not a virgin. “PHEW!” She claims. “My vagine wouldn’t have known what to do!”


Group Date 

The group date is in a park, on a bench. For hours. They literally just go to a bench and then Kaitlyn takes turns pulling them away separately and talking to them. This show went from overly ridiculous humiliating group dates, to nothing. “I have a great idea for an Ireland date. Let’s just have them sit on a bench!”

She talks to Shawn. Here’s the convo:

Shawn: Hi
Kait: Hi
Shawn: It’s weird we didn’t kiss last time.
Kait: Yes it was. Let’s kiss now.

That’s it. For reals. He claims they’re so happy now and back on track! I really hope there is a LOT edited out because I don’t get it.

Nick pulls her aside. She asks if he regrets their sex night. Of course he doesn’t. Why would HE regret it? Then he mumbles a lot and I don’t know what they say.

She pulls Joe aside and he licks her lips for a bit and then tells her that he’s in love with her, and he’d be the happiest guy in the world if he could kiss her forever, blah blah blah. She tells him thanks, but I’m not on the same page…and Joe goes a little banana-pants. He gets totally pissy and quiet and swears at her but he’s mumbling too so I don’t catch it all. She’s not pleased and walks away. I get it – he just laid it out there and he’s feeling humiliated. For some reason, he’s still hotter to me than Shawn.

Kaitlyn tells Nick to go back to the hotel and tells Shawn she needs to talk to him, so they’ll go out to dinner. Shawn is STOKED and it’s now that I realize he refuses to call Nick by his name. He only refers to him as “the other guy.” It’s completely fucking ridiculous and makes me THAT much more annoyed with Shawn. Dude, come on. Stop being such a whiny bitch. You’re so hot and your shit-as-confidence is making you totally un-hot. Stop it. It’s a show where she bangs lots of guys – that’s the premise. She works her way down to one and they get engaged and break up within a year. That’s how it WORKS. Deal with it. If you can’t – which makes sense – most normal people couldn’t handle it, then just leave.

Kaitlyn decides to tell Shawn she banged Nick. I think it’s a good call. It’ll obviously come out sooner or later, and better now, from her. Also it shows that she’s serious about him. It’s clear the final two will be him and Nick, right? (I don’t read spoilers). So she’s not telling Ben about the Nick sexcapade. Shawn should be flattered, really. (?)

He’s not pleased. But you can see his wheels turning as she tells him the news. If he blows up at her and storms out, she’ll just dump him, so you can see he’s thinking how to play his cards here. He’s quiet and grossed out…then goes to the bathroom. Then he comes back and thanks her for her honesty and tells her that he’ll man up and deal with it because at the end of the day he wants her. He says, “What am I going to do, storm out of here?” Ummm YES DUDE. You storm out and say, “You fucking told me I was the one and you then banged Nick a day later. Fuck that. You have no idea what you’re doing. I’m too good for this shit. I’m out of here.” That is an option, you know.


Rose Ceremony 

So we’re down to four: Shawn, Jared, Nick and Ben. Kaitlyn first calls Shawn’s name and he asks to talk to her before he accepts the rose. She’s all, “Fuck, AGAIN??”

DUDE…ENOUGH with the talking. Look I’m a girl and an emotional one and I always want to TALK about things with my husband…but at this point, even I think Shawn needs to shut the fuck up.

I can tell Kaitlyn is annoyed with him at this point. I appreciate her here – she tells him that she IS here to explore other relationships and she never should have told him that he was the one. Basically, she’s telling him to shut up, stop being such a pussy and the fact is she WILL bang other guys. I’m not saying she isn’t a touch slutty, or that this whole thing is a ridiculous premise, but if you sign up for the damn show, the girl (or guy) WILL bang more than just you.

She says, “I don’t think you trust me.” So yeaaaaaah, I don’t think he does. I mean, you’re out banging other guys. What exactly do you want him to trust? That you won’t ALSO go bang producers and shit?

Of course, Shawn accepts the rose. He will no matter what she does. She gives the two others to Ben and Nick. Poor Jared, yo. He’s SUPER sweet, and a total gentleman and she screwed the pooch on this one. That guy is better than the other three combined. The only problem is that I don’t want him naked on top of me. But I still almost cried when he left. Almost.

I also love that in the limo he said he was going to miss her. Instead of “I just want to find love and I can’t find anyone who will love me. I don’t want to be alone”, he says that he really liked HER and will miss her. I love him now. Edges and all.


Nick Fantasy Suite Date 

We’re down to three – Ben, Shawn and Nick. We now start the overnight dates, which seem a little anti-climatic now that she’s had so much “off-camera, in-vagine” time already. But it’s a show formality so let’s get on with it.

Kaitlyn says, “My connection with Nick is a passionate and physical connection. I have concerns if I can see a life with him. I need to figure that out today.” And THAT, my friends, is why this show is fucking ridic. I mean, she needs to figure it out TODAY. In one day. Also, I love that JUST NOW she’s concerned with whether she actually LIKES him or not.

They drink all day in a bar, which is basically all they do on dates. That and hump. Kaitlyn said, “I feel like a real couple today!” Ummm, my husband and I are a real couple and I can’t remember the last time we made out in a restaurant. Or anywhere, actually.

OH NO, Shawn is doing more thinking, y’all. He says he’s annoyed because “that other guy keeps getting in the middle of it.” Ummmm, yeeeeeaaaaah, that’s the show. Maybe YOU keep getting in the middle of it.

Anyhoo, on Nick and Kaitlyn’s date in a prison, Nick tells Kaitlyn that Shawn brags about being “Eskimo brothers” with a famous country singer because they both humped the same girl in the same night. First of all, I didn’t know this term and had to Google it. Second of all, that’s fucking gross. Third of all, does Nick know he’s an Eskimo brother with half the house?

They go to the fantasy suite where I’m sure they hump all night long and they eat a lot of bacon the next morning. Nick looks better from the waist down, just sayin’.

Oh No, ya’ll – guess who’s thinking again? Shawn gets Nick’s room number and visits him after he comes home from his fuck date. Shawn walks in and just decides to tear into Nick and throws a bunch of insults at him. Why? You can hate him if you want, but this just makes you look like a total asshole. Holy moly I’m over this season. Bach in Paradise, please!

11 comments:

  1. When Kaitlyn asked him if she looks like wife material Ben was probably thinking....didn't I see you in a movie and wasn't your line was "Me so HORNY. Me love you long time. You party?" Yup, wife material all right.

    And to blow the budget on expensive dates like hide and seek or drinks for the house in the bars only to leave the boys riding a horse drawn carriage to the rose ceremony, sheesh.

    Without your write-ups, I would be so done with this show. Total barf...

    tmj

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  2. "Kaitlyn sent Chris home last week, which she says is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Besides Nick’s penis, that is."
    Oh my goodness I nearly spit out my drink! That wasn't t-ired it was insp-ired.

    I'm with you on Jared. He's a good guy. And of all of them, I think he was the one actually ready for marriage. I was not into him at all because he's very angular and has that sparse facial hair where you can't tell if he quite passed puberty yet. However, he is a REAL MAN and he will make someone a VERY good husband. Probably in the next 2 years.

    Shawn in hot but his jealous behavior is out of control. The expectation should be that she will date others, or bang others as you said. "It’s a show where she bangs lots of guys – that’s the premise. She works her way down to one and they get engaged and break up within a year. That’s how it WORKS. Deal with it." Another time I nearly spit out my drink. I should stop drinking things when I'm reading your blog!
    But if I went out with a guy and after two dates he's expecting exclusivity without a conversation first, or is surprised I'm dating others before an exclusivity talk, that's a red flag for me. Or if they ask if I'm texting someone else, any of that jealous bullshit. If it's bad then, how bad will it be when you actually ARE exclusive? STALKER BAD.

    Ben is adorable but in a I-want-to-pinch-his-cheeks kind of way. You called it on the low self esteem.

    Nick is just a self-absorbed jerk but she's kinda that way too so I think she will choose him in the end, especially after Shawn's shenanigans and Ben being unimpressive in the bedroom. I'm guessing. They will date ---meaning drink and sext and bone --- for 6-9 months then break up. I have read no spoilers but I'm pretty confident with that prediction.

    Thanks again for your blog. Maybe the next show will be better?? Here's hoping.

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  3. I love your updates. Check out "unreal" on lifetime. It's a fiction show based on bachelor and shows how the producers get into the heads of all the contestants. It's like the drama, the story lines, but you get all the backstage gossip. It's brilliant!!

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  4. If Jared shaved his mangy facial hair, I could maybe deal with him as the bachelor, because he seems like a genuinely nice dude. Then again, I would prefer he not be, because every fucking time we think we have a halfway decent bachelor candidate, they turn out to be kind of a dildo when they get their own season (except Sean). At this point, I'd be cool with either of the Bens, and I'm pretty sure they're the only possibilities. The other will probably be on Bachelor in Paradise, so I can ogle anyway. It's totally fine.

    Shawn needs to go, though. Byeeee. I may have some issues with how Nick acts ("waaah I got so much less time" yeah well don't show up a month late, bro) but at least he doesn't refuse to say Shawn's goddamn name like a 12 year old girl. Shuuuuut iiiiit, Shawn.

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    Replies
    1. The people on the show talk about "weeks" because they are told to, but in reality it is only "days", not weeks, 2 "weeks" worth of footage could be shot over 5 days for example and often is...So Nick showing up at week 4 or 5 in "show" time meant he missed 2 or 3 weeks of real time. I'm sure the producers knew he wanted on earlier than that, but they held it up to create more drama in the house. I also wonder if they decided on it late because they saw that Kaitlyn only had interest in one guy (Shawn) so they needed to bring Nick in or the show would have been over in week 5.

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  5. Love your headline - and totally agree! I'm all for men talking about their feelings but Shawn's insecurity is a huge turnoff. I don't get the attraction to Nick, so the likely final two seem very unappealing at this point. Speaking of points, lol, I couldn't picture Jared on top of me for fear he'd cut me with that sharp jawline of his, but he gets my vote for next bachelor. From day one he demonstrated surprising emotional maturity as well as a great sense of humor, and with a slight makeover he could channel his resemblance to Ian Somerhalder and be a real hottie. ABC probably won't see enough 'dramatic potential,' but I think it'd be fun to watch him stay sane while a couple dozen women lose their shit.

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  6. Love your headline - and totally agree! I'm all for men talking about their feelings but Shawn's insecurity is a huge turnoff. I don't get the attraction to Nick, so the likely final two seem very unappealing at this point. Speaking of points, lol, I couldn't picture Jared on top of me for fear he'd cut me with that sharp jawline of his, but he gets my vote for next bachelor. From day one he demonstrated surprising emotional maturity as well as a great sense of humor, and with a slight makeover he could channel his resemblance to Ian Somerhalder and be a real hottie. ABC probably won't see enough 'dramatic potential,' but I think it'd be fun to watch

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  7. Did no one else catch what Shawn's mic picked up on while he was in the bathroom?
    I was SURE it would be in your re-cap! Rewind...listen carefully.."I'm so tense I can't even piss"

    TMI.

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  8. Okay, I like to pick the winner and the loser of every episode, because....there just is one of each (sometimes it's a tough call who). But the winner here is clearly Jared. I think everyone watching wasn't real hot on him, but fell in love with him because he HANDLED that shizz! Even offered his jacket to her after getting dumped. He deserves good things to happen to him.
    The loser this week is Ben. It's pretty obvious he's not a real contender, unless we see Shawn murder Nick next week and by default he makes it thru. Plus his date was fucking hide and seek.
    Surprisingly, I didn't pick Shawn as the loser this week, he's just a loser. A sore one.

    Annnnd.....Kaitlin's hair can't get out of Ireland fast enough

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  9. Who knew there would be a season worse than Juan Pablo? Excellent recap of a horrible shit show. Yes, you must check out UnReal on the Lifetime channel! I would love to hear your opinion!!

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  10. Love your recap as always. Love this show, but I'm hating this season. My biggest complaint is I'm real tired of them recycling people into the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. Then they wonder why they get all of these people there for "the wrong reasons". They pick the best they can come up with from the previous season (which most of the time isn't much). Why can't they start fresh every season like they used to? Anyone else agree?

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